Saying NO and feeling Guilt

I seem to have a hard time saying no. For example, two days ago a man on the first floor sent up his wife to ask for a ride. I do not know them well and I didn't want to do it only did it anyway, and it seemed to throw off my daily schedule.

Today the wife came to my door and asked me for a ride to somewhere, I had to say no. Only now I have feelings of anxiety, guilt, and fear.

I really don't feel well and know if I had done it, that it would have caused me to feel bad.

Now I feel guilty for having to say no, does anyone else have a similar problem saying no?

Thank you

Take Care,
Kris

I wish you the best, and the hope for a better day for us all, in out struggles no matter how large or small I wish hope for us all

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

welcome to the club

I am a classic "people pleaser". This ties in with my answer about "getting angry" in another thread here.

In group therapy we discussed this as being part of a "boundry" issue for people who don't have confidence in setting their personal boundries, who give off signals contrary to what their personal boundries are (thereby having people respond to us in ways that we don't like or confuse us... for example why do people feel perfectly ok asking us for rides?) and many times both issues.

I've known this is a problem with me for many many years. In the beginning I felt not so much guilt but frustration with myself that it was so important for people to like me.

When I was establishing my values in life I realized also that it is very important to me to help others, give my time and effort to helping them even if it means some sacrifice on my own part.

Over the years I've been able to reconcile these two aspects of my personality so that when I say "yes" to things I usually generally enjoy doing them, and end up feeling good about myself afterward for helping.

I still don't say no very often but it is less of a problem, and when I do say no I don't feel guilt. Actually I do feel guilt, but I am able to get past that quickly. The biggest effect is that the guilt makes the decision to say no much harder, but when i do make that decision i am comfortable with it.

This is a GREAT topic that I think many people can relate to, especially people in our position.
------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

I really like Dexter's response to you. The inability to say no is very often rooted in fear. Such as the fear that the person won't like you or worse that they may be angry with you. Much of this is ingrained in childhood. Parents that punish a child for saying no or not agreeing with them. I believe that it is more pronounced in people who are inherently empathic. You can feel that the other person is frustrated, upset, in need etc. and so feel guilty that you don't take care of them, help them to be better, remove the frustration etc. For some reason, we are also often taught that it is wrong to think about ourselves at all. That the only thing that matters is that everyone else is happy. Then, they'll like us, be nice to us not be unhappy. We have to learn that it is not our responsibility to make everyone else happy and content. In fact that is something that only they can do for themselves. It follows that we must learn to do if for ourselves too. Difficult at best sometimes.
Mark

Though inland far we be,
Our souls have sight of that immortal sea
Which brought us hither.
William Wordsworth (1770–1850)

In addition, then by saying "yes" all the time, I find that causes resentment to build up inside myself, at myself, because I'm not doing what I need to do.

When it builds up enough, that's when I usually take it out on myself, instead of others - which all could be prevented by simply saying "I can't" or "no".

Makes you wonder sometimes if the real you actually exists or if you're around just to help others.

Mary Alice

>> In addition, then by saying "yes" all the time, I find that causes resentment to build up inside myself,

For me many times that resentment ends up exploding out to the person asking the favor. In my mind it should be "obvious" to them that they are putting me out of my way over and over when in fact I am signalling them that I am perfectly fine with them asking over and over. Then I end up exploding at them, so not only the the anger that I was trying to hide come out, it comes out all at once, seemingly out of nowhere, leading them to think I am a crazy person. And then I feel worse because they won't ask anymore even for the things that I ENJOY doing and being asked to do. Why risk another uncomfortable explosion?

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

Just sending you a hug ... {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Take care,
Fuzzy

I can relate. I too am a people pleaser. I always say yes and regret it later. I cant say No. Saying yes is easier. I dont like people being dissapointed in me.

"you only have one chance to make a first impression"

Hey krzykris,

I can relate to this.

But there comes a time-if you want to survive-when you have to say NO.

Don't feel guily about it, it's useless.

Sincerely,

Starbuck



Born in 1963 of French mom and Canadian dad. Majors in History and Theology. Master in Sociology.

Thank you Dexter and all who replied

I admit I have been working on the People Pleasing for along time myself. And am still working on it.

I also have been working on Boundrys at one time I had absolutly no bounderys in my personal life and made many mistakes and poor judgemet which resulted in a direct negative result on my life. So I have been to the point of having sometimes too many boundrys for myself. Which as a result has caused me at the moment to be alone with very few friends, these are things I had to look at and if these people were negative for me mentally, finacually, and emotionally.

So for instance after hopping around from place to place and in and out of group homes, I finally have a home. I have lived here for one and a half years and since I left home at 17 and now 31 I have never had a home till now. This home is the longest place I have stayed in my adult life. So the boundrys I set up for my home were : If they call and want to come over, Is this someone who I would have to go around my house and hide things from this person such as medications, loose change, cd's......If in my mind I said 'yes' then I never had them over. So that has worked so far, and visitors have been few. I need that though for me.

Although I am finding nice people here in the building who are good sincere people, and when I did say no It wasn't cause I wouldn't do it it was because of the timing, I had been awake less than an hour and my morning meds had not all the way in my system, and I wasn't dressed and she was ready to go now. However around 1pm I did go down to see if she still needed a ride, only she had gotten somewone else. So I guess I said no mostly due to the timeing. And felt better after I was 'composed' for the day and able to do it.

Thanks everyone

Take Care,
Kris

I wish you the best, and the hope for a better day for us all, in out struggles no matter how large or small I wish hope for us all

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

I use to feel guilty saying no, it was all to do with come ons from unwanted attention , part of ptsd, getting myself into situations where I felt I couldn't do or say nothing..

Way better now... wont freeze up ever again!

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>