[angel04]

ok, I have NO friends. No 'real life' ones anyway. When I feel bad, I am alone. When I feel good, I am alone. When something great happens, I have no one to call and share it with. When something bad happens, there's no shoulder to cry on, not even an ear to bend. I am told that it must be because i have chosen to live this way but that's bull*h*t. I am a giver. I try and try to be friends with people and I give a lot of myself and they still seem to abandon me. I call them often and get no calls in return. I send emails to them and get no replies. I finally give up since I'm just wasting who I am and the good I can do on people who don't care about me. So, I move on and try to make other friends but the same thing inevitably happens, they are friendly for a short time and then abandon me too.
What can I do? I'm so tired of feeling so alone.

"Sometimes it takes other people to point reality out to those who don't live there"
me

[SeptemberMorn]

I'm so sorry! I know it really hurts to want to give and no one wants what you're offering. Have you thought that maybe you're trying too hard? Maybe you're giving more than they can handle...

I have a friend like that. She's saved me on more than one occasion by her giving nature. I haven't talked to her in a while because the last time she was here, she drove me nuts! She thought she was helping me but instead, I felt like she was telling me everything I was doing wrong. There are just times when I can't handle too much "getting." Maybe it's my independent nature or maybe it's my anxiety. I'm not sure which, but...

I'm not saying that you're that way, of course... but it might be something to consider.

Oh, something else. A "giver" very often finds it difficult to "get" in return. Many people, for some reason, think that a "giver" never "needs!"





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

I understand Angel, just don't do what I've done - retreat into yourself and shut down.

Keep trying, just be cautious. Don't overwhelm them or yourself - friendships take time to grow/develop.

For me, it's a little late.

Mary Alice

[angel04]

feels too late to me too PTE.
I feel like I should hunker down and get used to a life alone and in exile or just end it now. These feel like my only two options right now since no one seems to give a damn whether I'm on the planet or not. That's just the way it feels.

"Sometimes it takes other people to point reality out to those who don't live there"
me

[Fuzzybear]

[mj14]

angel, I'm sorry it took so long for me to reply to this. It was one of those posts where there was so much I wanted to say, I couldn't figure out how to reply without writing a novel.

I am also one of those "overlooked" people, that never seems to be on the receiving end, and my T and I have been working on this issue. One of the things she is always suggesting is that the reason people don't consider me, or give back to me, is because I don't convey that I need anything. So, she says that if I want something, I should ask for it. And you know, it works. I ask people specifically to let me know if they are going out or something, I'll ask people to call...I even asked for a birthday party. I'll admit, it would be nice if I wouldn't have to ask, but it sure beats not asking and getting nothing.

I have found that finding friends can be a matter of luck as much as anything. I spent much of my life in the same situation you describe...being friendly with someone for a short time, but always drifting apart. But then I was fortunate to meet someone who has really stuck around through a lot...she and I have been friends for over 20 years now. I hope you don't give up on meeting new friends, because the next one you meet might be that wonderful person who will stick with you through everything.

*hugs*
mj

[angel04]

good advice and insights mj, thank you for replying. I do give off the impression that I'm independent and need very little but why do I have to appear needy in order to keep friends? It's confusing. Lots of people don't want to be around "needy" people so actually telling people I need something....well, it would just feel weak. I want to be able to exist on my own and be independent so it really drives me crazy that I seem to need other people in my life. Why can't I just be strong and alone and be ok with that? (sigh)
It's a conundrum. Thanks for the reply though. I appreciate that you took the time to read and answer.
take care
tina

"Sometimes it takes other people to point reality out to those who don't live there"
me

[angel04]

a big thank you to septembermorn and fuzzy and ozzie for reading and offering support. I appreciate it very much. It seems that the thread that runs through the replies is that I must give off the impression that I don't need anything. I think I was brought up that way. Independence and self-reliance were paramount because I didn't have good parents. They always made me feel like I was an intrusion or burden so I got very used to being alone and entertaining myself. I didn't rely on them for anything and relying on others now takes a lot of trust and I don't have much of that. I guess I still need to do some work on me but it all seems a bit of a contradiction at times. I'm so confused........
thanks all
tina

"Sometimes it takes other people to point reality out to those who don't live there"
me

[dexter]

angel i have the same problem... even when i do need something and think that i am "showing" that, apparently i don't present that image forward. in therapy we talked about boundry issues and i do feel like i present a pretty solid boundry that keeps people away. i had been talking in the context of sometimes when i shop, i will go there knowing what i want to buy, i'll even "dress" like a customer sometimes and still often i have a huge trouble finding a salesman to help, even though i think i look like a salavating customer with money burning a hole in my pocket i obviously just don't come off that way.

it's tough though with regards to friends and the sort of "catch 22" you mentioned. Since dealing with my illness i have recognized the need to be VERY CLEAR and specific when I need something. If i just ask someone to come over because i feel desparate they don't realize that and often blow me off, so i have to specifically state that i really need something seriously (even so i often am disappointed but that's another story).

you are right, it is a conundrum, tough to navigate, especially when depression clouds our judgement. HOWEVER shame on your social worker for being the same way. It is understandable maybe that friends misunderstand, maybe they really don't see it or maybe it is difficult for them to approach, but a social worker should know better and should make the effort to help and to be supportive.

At least you know that we understand and I hope that at least some of the people around you do too. It's a big issue and you are not alone.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[Dorian]

I'M HERE 4 U, YOUR TURN, DORIAN : )
(((((((( 4 angel 104 )))))))))

[mj14]

angel, I totally understand the confusion trying to figure out where expressing a need ends and "neediness" begins. Part of the reason I put forward this image that everything is ok, and I need nothing is precisely because I was frequently told I was too needy as a child. And any time you are trying to learn a new way of behaving can be uncomfortable and confusing.

The first thing that helped me was watching other people...some people out there really don't have the problem of being overlooked. I will admit, some get the attention because they project this aura of vulnerability, pretty much the same way we project this aura of complete autonomy. And I'm not sure that's something we can really learn how to do. But I see other people who just have a way of asking for what they want without pleading, or seeming needy. You know, like a casual, "hey, call me if you're doing anything this weekend"...stuff like that. One thing I have seen that definitely doesn't work, though, is complaining about being neglected. One person here at work does that all the time ("no asked me to go along!!!"), and the only effect is that people avoid her even more.

Anyway, it has helped me to watch and try to copy what others have done. And, something that has been a huge help for me, is that my therapist offers suggestions about how to ask for what I want or need. She'll say, why don't you try saying this? But there's no pressure that I have to do what she suggests...she just throws out ideas. But it helps a lot with figuring out what might be the best way to communicate what I want.

I don't know if you are lucky enough to have a T that could help you with this. But you could certainly bring up any specific things here, and see what kinds of suggestions you might get.

*hugs*
mj

[angel04]

I wish I did have a T. I am currently awaiting a new one but it's been a couple of months since my last one found herself a better job. She referred me to another person but he hasn't got the room for another patient so I'm in limbo. I am currently waiting for a lot of things. I'm in a holding pattern with most areas of my life. It's frustrating.
Thanks to all for the support and excellent advice. I only wish that reading your advice could translate into real progress in my daily life but all the good intentions seem to seep right out of my ears when I'm out in the real world. I read your replies and they make complete sense but then I slide into my dysfunctional ways when out "there"
I need someone over my shoulder at all times to remind me when I'm doing something unproductive or to notice when I'm falling back into bad behaviours. I wish I had a friend here, in my real world.
Thanks again everyone. I only wish I could help you all like you help me. Sadly, I suck at advice and must seem pretty selfish not jumping into other threads to give my 2 cents but I would probably just get it wrong and cause more harm than good.
take care
tina

"hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking......maybe six feet ain't so far down"

[Starbuck]

Hi angel,

I sympathise with you.

There's no way to tell how hard it can be to feel alone, in either good or bad times.

I lost most of my friends in the 90's because of my depression and anxiety problems which were not diagnosed at the time. I started retreating from them, and with time, my relations with them faded away.

The positive note is that there's always nice people, today and out there, that can become great friends with time. I beleive it strongly.

Take care angel04

Starbuck



Maybe you'll find here some comfort. I did.


Born in 1963 of French mom and Canadian dad. Majors in History and Theology. Master in Sociology.

[Fuzzybear]

Tina, I often feel that I suck at advice, but as you see I have made a lot of posts I find it hard to trust people in 3D and I was "dumped" by my former T so I sympathise ...

I just wrote out some advice but deleted it so I will send some ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) instead.

Take care,
Fuzzy