Recently I've noticed that I spend too much time on PC. I basically don't feel well, and have no social life, and don't feel like doing anything, including working. All this brought me here in the first place. So, I spend a fair amount of time (actually a lot of time) on PC reading and writing about what others say. For me personally, I don't get very much help from PC as to get out of my shell (and many times others' posts make me feel worse), but it gives the sense of belonging to something. I thought about leaving several times, but then I was afraid to be left of doing nothing again; no social life, no working, and no virtual life. Before I joined I felt depressed most of the time, but when I participate actively in the forums, I don't feel depressed per se, but I feel consumed in the sense that I spend too much time on it and doing nothing in my real life, which makes me depressed. In both ways I seem to be doomed to my own inadequacies!! I know I have to go out ... etc, but I just don't know how to socialize. It hurts me as I am very fragile and sensitive emotionally.

[sabby]

Hey Nickname, I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like you are stuck going round and round in this circle and not being able to make your way out of it.

Is there a way you can find a happy medium between PC and living life? Maybe curtail your time on PC to X amount of time while working on plans in real life to get out and socialize?

Unfortunately, no one place can be your "everything", in other words, it can't be the answers to all of your life's problems. There is good and bad in everything and it's up to us to work to find the sweet spot of being helpful and beneficial but not overtaking other parts of our lives.

I hope you are able to work on that. In the mean time, keep reaching out.

[LittleEarthquakes]

I relate with this.

Originally Posted by sabby

Hey Nickname, I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like you are stuck going round and round in this circle and not being able to make your way out of it.

Is there a way you can find a happy medium between PC and living life? Maybe curtail your time on PC to X amount of time while working on plans in real life to get out and socialize?

Unfortunately, no one place can be your "everything", in other words, it can't be the answers to all of your life's problems. There is good and bad in everything and it's up to us to work to find the sweet spot of being helpful and beneficial but not overtaking other parts of our lives.

I hope you are able to work on that. In the mean time, keep reaching out.

I don't have a real life. I know you think I am exaggerating, and it cannot be that bad, but I wish you can see my life. I spend days not talking to or seeing anyone, literally. I just work, eat, and sleep. This is my life. I know there are programs and meetups, but the idea of going there is terrifying. Ironically, I want to go out. This push and pull is tearing me apart, and making me feel depressed.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Nickname

. . . I know there are programs and meetups, but the idea of going there is terrifying. Ironically, I want to go out. . .

I started pushing myself out to some meetups about 2 years ago. And it was very terrifying to start with. I just made myself start trying. I went to groups that had programs and presentations where I could be with people without having to say much or interact a lot. It's gotten easier and I've gotten to know some of the people in some of the groups. No real close friendship -- that's a ways away for me -- but at least I don't feel so alone all the time. And it's progress, that's better than it was.

Originally Posted by here today

I started pushing myself out to some meetups about 2 years ago. And it was very terrifying to start with. I just made myself start trying. I went to groups that had programs and presentations where I could be with people without having to say much or interact a lot. It's gotten easier and I've gotten to know some of the people in some of the groups. No real close friendship -- that's a ways away for me -- but at least I don't feel so alone all the time. And it's progress, that's better than it was.

I reserved to go to a movie tomorrow, and another one for practicing the language the day after tomorrow, but I am always on the verge of canceling them. It makes me feel sick just the thought of going there, because people probably will assume that you are a normal person and outgoing, and expect you to initiate (and maintain) a conversation or interaction. Not me. I imaging myself leaving the groups for no reason if I go, and I will do if I feel anxious!!

Like in what groups there are little interactions?

Originally Posted by Nickname

I don't have a real life. I know you think I am exaggerating, and it cannot be that bad, but I wish you can see my life. I spend days not talking to or seeing anyone, literally. I just work, eat, and sleep. This is my life. I know there are programs and meetups, but the idea of going there is terrifying. Ironically, I want to go out. This push and pull is tearing me apart, and making me feel depressed.

Although I don't have any particular board that I visit, I'm in bed with my iPad 99% of my waking hours. I have a caregiver who is supposed to be here 3-4 days a week but I generally only have her come once a week. The only time that I leave my apartment is when I go to therapy or another doctor's appointment.

So I can go weeks seeing a single person a week.

Yesterday, when I was either having the oddest and most frightening panic attack ever or having genuine physical reactions (and I still don't know which), I wondered if I might be dying of loneliness. I don't think that's really possible but, at the time, with my mind rushing, it seemed plausible.

I'm unable to find transportation that is both affordable and reliable so I'm unable to work. Our metro transportation is affordable but it's a +/- 2 hour so I could, for example, go to one of the urban parks but what's the point?

I feel very much as you feel and I use the same word to describe what I feel when I consider either going out or (God forbid) having people come into my apartment: terrified. I would love to have some sort of contact with others but I'm terrified at actually taking a step towards that.

Don't become like me. I also realized yesterday that I'm beyond the point of reversing this downward spiral. Beyond help from others or helping myself. Yesterday was a milestone for me. The day that I realized that I have no hope left at all. I had just a bit previously. Or I lied to myself and others and said that I had no hope but had a smidgeon and realized yesterday that I had none whatsoever after all.

Because of my transportation issues, I've never looked into anything like book clubs or other social organizations ... or even the somewhat informal group therapies that are free an open to anyone that my therapist has recommended.

I can't really give anyone advice because I didn't find a solution to the sleep/eat/sleep/eat cycle. I failed. I gave up. All I can do is try to encourage others to make some effort to avoid ending up like me.

Of course you're depressed. I did the same that you're doing – replaced direct human societal contact with the artificial yet very real contact of segments of societal 'pockets' made up by various interests on the web.

That you would be attracted to this particular pocket isn't unusual – I was kind of shocked to see how many posts you've made since being here less than two entire months! – because this format has so much to offer. A place where you can come and anonymously share your feelings and emotions in conversations that offer more support and optimism than judgement. Of course this is a better place to be! Folks here empathize almost immediately – the welcomes are sincere, emotions are raw and open, there are feelings of belonging and acceptance and if there are 'judgements' they will gentle and well-meaning. I don't spend a lot of time here but I know that I've never read any cruel words directed any member.

I don't know a thing about you but the fact that you've been obsessed with PC for a couple of months seems a better use of technology than playing video games or becoming addicted to online pornography. I'll read some of your other messages but from what I've read here I'm assuming that you've isolated out of fear (of others? Of leaving your safe spot?), that you've recognized that you're really not comfortable in your isolation but that you feel terrorified when you think of how to socialize?

Do you know exactly what you feel and why? You may have already discussed that but if you could point me to particular threads it would keep me from going through your mountain of threads.

Call back...

Thanks ciderguy.

Just from this your post, I sensed that you have a keen understanding of what is going on in and out of you, and you have a sharp eye by noticing how many posts (I have much less number of threads) I've generated in less than two months.

I do exactly what you are trying to do for me; to help others even if I cannot help myself. I stumbled on different threads of yours, but you tend to write long threads, which is problematic for me because I have concentration issues. But I am always trying to help others.

I used to play video games, but they triggered in me the same depressing feelings; spending too much time on them.

As for others are gentle and caring, I am sure they are. It is more my perception. I think the original poster will have a kind of expectation that makes him/her sensitive to what others say. Ironically, today, someone told me that I am somehow made her feeling worse, even though my intention was to help her, or at least give her an insight. So, I understand what you are saying. It is also of my nature to start heated and cool down afterward.

For me I think I have social anxiety (I haven't been diagnosed of anything officially because I hate going to therapists). Being around people put me on fight or flight mode. I am also very sensitive to others' gestures. Anything will trigger in me a series of thoughts that will put me in depressing mood. I have very low threshold to frustration. When trying to talk to people, especially girls, I become socially awkward, and say stupid things, and my mind goes blank. So, basically I've isolated myself for about 6 years now. I don't have friends or relationships, and this makes my life means nothing. That is why I am losing interests in everything, and my job is jeopardized.

[DechanDawa]

Nickname: You are reaching a point of crisis. Maybe PC helped you get there, so thank you PC! You have wonderful insights. You are moving bit by bit towards a new way of life. The best I have to offer you is support. Depression and anxiety have kept me isolated, too, and I am also in a crisis...of not wanting depression and anxiety to dictate how I live, anymore. That is what I mean about crisis. You want something new but are afraid. That is natural and normal. You would be surprised by how many people feel nervous in groups. You are not alone with those feelings. Just be yourself when you go out. If you feel a little nervous, just say that you feel nervous to the person sitting or standing next to you. Don't be too surprised when they say they know exactly how you feel. You can do it! You will navigate this crisis of new challenges and grow through it. I am certain. PS It is easy to rely on community forums when you feel isolated and depressed. But once you feel less fear about going out, then you won't be as dependent on PC as you are now. Don't worry about it too much, Nick. PC was created to help you. Thank you so much for sharing.

[DechanDawa]

I have enjoyed all your comments and contributions.

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Nickname: You are reaching a point of crisis. Maybe PC helped you get there, so thank you PC! You have wonderful insights. You are moving bit by bit towards a new way of life. The best I have to offer you is support. Depression and anxiety have kept me isolated, too, and I am also in a crisis...of not wanting depression and anxiety to dictate how I live, anymore. That is what I mean about crisis. You want something new but are afraid. That is natural and normal. You would be surprised by how many people feel nervous in groups. You are not alone with those feelings. Just be yourself when you go out. If you feel a little nervous, just say that you feel nervous to the person sitting or standing next to you. Don't be too surprised when they say they know exactly how you feel. You can do it! You will navigate this crisis of new challenges and grow through it. I am certain. PS It is easy to rely on community forums when you feel isolated and depressed. But once you feel less fear about going out, then you won't be as dependent on PC as you are now. Don't worry about it too much, Nick. PC was created to help you. Thank you so much for sharing.

Thanks. I feel that I am in crisis because my life hasn't changed for years. I discovered recently that I have been deluding myself all these years; that I've been doing something to have better life in the future, but it turns out to be all false hope. People with less capacities and accomplishments in life are doing better than me (I am also perfectly healthy, tall, and in shape as a person, which makes it even worse). How painful is that? Just because I cannot open my mouth and socialize, makes me marginalized in life. The fact is that there is no place for shy and socially anxious people in this world. I have never encountered someone trying to socialize with me casually. Is this a coincidence? Why me I have to initiate everything, if others feel the same way. I am not talking about girls/women, I know they don't do this usually, even though I wish they do.

May be I am catastrophizing, but for me someone saying to the next person "I feel nervous", makes him normally nervous, at least to me. About the little information I hear about "socially anxious" or "shy" people, and how they managed to do something despite of it, I automatically form an image that this person cannot possibly be socially anxious or shy for that matter, or it makes me feel like I am a failure if I believed it. I cannot help but think this way. When people say to me they are isolated, I am not sure what they mean. Without exact details (as Ciderguy did) it is hard for me to believe. I am sorry. Some people say they are isolated but have few friends!!

If you see me in person (not meeting me, just observing me), probably the first thing you will say about me is that I am arrogant and have a bad temper. But the fact is that these are outer shields to protect my fragile inner. I go out to restaurants alone, to movies alone, ... etc. I've pushed myself to do those stuff, even though my thoughts and feelings will be conflicting each time I think of them. Most of of the time the negative feelings win, and I stay home, because the last time I went out, and nothing has changed. But if I went out (which usually occurs when I am at the bottom again and I am about to go crazy), I would never look at someone in the eyes, let alone talking to them. People would sit next to me for hours, and I wouldn't know how they look like!!

I know people try to help and relate, and I cannot possibly imaging what else people can do for me. Not just here, but also in real life. So, I am thankful to the tries to say something, in the hope that it might be a catalyst for change. This is what I think of when I write on others' challenges, even though it works negatively (not in purpose, though) sometimes.

[DechanDawa]

Once again, thank you for sharing. I think if the desire to connect is stronger than the desire to isolate, then something can happen. Over the years I have used volunteering as a way to connect. Presently I don't have a volunteer position, which is strange, because it is something I have always had. So for me I need to find a new place to live, a new job, and after that I will look into volunteering again. The last volunteer position I had was working with therapy horses. It was the best volunteer position ever. As my horse teacher taught me, "The horse is going to wait for you to take the first step. You are the leader." At the time I was feeling a bit withdrawn and it was difficult. But then I saw it was true. The more outgoing I became the more the horses related to me. This is just an example of finding a way, when you have the will. Just talking about the horses gets me excited and I hope I can work with therapy horses again in the future. Good luck to you, however you decide to deal with your social anxiety. I overcame my fear of groups by volunteering, joining a meditation center, and also going to graduate school.

Which comes first, depression or social anxiety? For me, I think, depression is first, then I start to isolate, then the whole cycle gets going of sitting at home, feeling inadequate, negative self talk, more depression etc. So, for me, working on the depression is my logical step. I feel my isolation is caused by depression, low mood, and lack of motivation. So my reasons for being alone are a little different than yours.

I would like to add that no matter how nice someone is, if they display a bad temper, I won't have anything to do with them. Maybe in the past I was more tolerant, but now I just can't stand to be around that negativity. If an owner of a business displays a bad temper I will boycott that business. I am just saying this...just throwing it out there...because even though you say your bad temper is an outer shield to protect your fragile inner self, you should understand that right away this may cause people to not want to be around you. Another thing must people don't like is a complainer. I have found this to be absolutely true, so when I am coming out of a depression I have to be very careful who I talk to about it. A lot of people see depression as just a bad attitude, laziness, or character weakness. The more upbeat I am, the more responsive people are. It seems to just be a fact of life. Best of luck to you. I really think you are heading for a wonderful breakthrough.

If you see me in person (not meeting me, just observing me), probably the first thing you will say about me is that I am arrogant and have a bad temper. But the fact is that these are outer shields [whatever gave you that impression that I am arrogant and have a bad temper] to protect my fragile inner.

I wanted to write in the last post as I explained here. I just look serious when I am out as others told me. If you mingle with me, I will be smiling all the time, if I am relaxed and not anxious. I get angry at times, though, but not at random people and without any reason.

I also suffer from lack of interest. So depression is involved most likely. I am not sure which comes first, though. My guess is my social anxiety.

I hope one day I will be in your place and tell my story.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Nickname

Bad temper was meant to mean serious and not interested. I am not angry at random people without talking to them!!! But many people told me that I look serious. the expression betrayed me.

I also suffer from lack of interest. So depression is involved most likely. I am not sure which comes first, though. My guess is my social anxiety.

I hope one day I will be in your place and tell my story.

Oh, thank goodness you didn't mean bad temper as in, you know, yelling or whatever. I had a mechanic who had a bad temper and taking my car in to get fixed made me full of anxiety, so now I have a sweet, soft-spoken mechanic. About a serious expression. People told me this all the time when I was young. If I was not smiling I looked angry. I think years of meditation must have softened my non-smiling expression because people don't say that anymore. But maybe I will practice smiling at people a little more these days.

I am not trying to simplify your situation. It is complicated, as is all of this. So many people on Psych Central want more of a life, and for various reasons, find it difficult.

I have figured out I have a depressive episode about once every decade. It lasts for about a year to 18 months. I have decided about myself this happens because the other 8 years out of 10 I am hard driving, and push myself. I then seem to get exhausted, and my life has never been easy, and so my coping skills get weak.

So this is my story, and I have figured it out. I just figured this all out this week!

It made me feel better because I could see that the majority of the time I spend growing and giving. I get lots of good feedback from people when I am out in the world and engaged. But when I go into a depressive episode I feel like I don't get very much help and support, and I tend to get bitter.

Life is precious. I hate that I have to "give" so much of my life to depression, but when I saw it on paper (which is how I figured it out) I saw that my depression has been balanced out by many happy things such as going back to school in mid-life, starting a new career, volunteering, helping others, etc.

I responded to your post because I too, feel I spend too much time on community forums. I have decided it is okay if the community forums help you re-engage with life. But cyberspace is not the same as real life. I can't smell the roses in cyberspace, but I can smell the roses outside my front door. (Well, not at the moment because they are covered with snow, but roses, in general!) I am wanting to get out and smell real roses and that is where I will be this spring. It is a good time (now) to start spending less time on PC.

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

... If I was not smiling I looked angry. ...

This is it. I changed the post while you were writing your last one, but it remained the same in essence.

I know that without giving there is no taking. But it is so hard to just (people keep saying this word, and I think it is true) do it, or keep doing it. For example, people can tell you to go to meetup to meet people, but then what? Just do it. There is no other way around it. It is the hardest part, though, for me at least.

I recognize that all it is because of me, and me alone, and I asked if change can come from the outside first in another thread. But it seems delusional to wait change, or for someone to initiate. Probably it won't happen. It is the way life it is.

Of course life is precious, and everyone wants more in life. I am sure everyone suffers in their own way. We all have different struggles, but we all experience the same pain.

Anyway, I reserved to meet a group tomorrow to practice my English and possibly my weak French. Hopefully, this will be a start for change. I am making a move to change, but hopefully I'll do it right and persist, as I withdraw easily from social situations.

Thank you

[DechanDawa]

Congratulations! I am so jealous. I would love to speak French but in the past found it so hard. You must be pretty smart. I think I will pull out my Spanish books/CD's. Easier. And being bilingual is such an excellent way to connect.

I don't think I would like a meet-up where the primary focus is socializing. I know I would leave in about 5 minutes! Haha. But something like a language class, with a focus, that would be something I would like.

Yes, I agree that JUST DOING IT is the hardest part of all. Even in the best of times I might find any excuse to not go to a party, or, at least, I did in the past. I think I didn't take advantage of social events when I had them. Now I have none, and I would probably go to anything.

Being single is especially hard. Believe me, I know. I was married, and when you are married you can just slouch around the house doing much of nothing...but because you are doing nothing with someone else it is social!!! Crazy, huh?

Now that I am divorced I hate always being forced to go out. I wonder how other people who have been single their whole lives do it!!! Personally, I am looking to get more social, and then perhaps consider another relationship, because it is just easier, and hanging out with one person is enough for me.

In the meantime, yes, push it. Enjoy your language classes.

I really, really, really like your attitude, Nick!!! If there is any support I can give you it is to say I think you are halfway there, and please, keep going forward.

Thanks. I am not sure if bilingual is applied to me as English is not my native language, either.

I guess French is not hard if you already know Spanish. That is what I heard at least. There is a big difference between English and French, though.

I took many courses in French, but have never practiced it. So, I think this is a good opportunity. But yes, I will go to hit two birds in one stone: socializing and practicing

[DechanDawa]

Go for it!!!

I took Spanish and French in school, and I think Spanish is easier.

I guess if you do all these languages you are a polyglot, or something like that.

You really sound okay, Nick. You have been talking out your problem, and I have joined you, and it has helped me, so thank you so much.

I feel like I am in a good place to expand out, and talking to you has made me excited about it. Remember the part about it being fun, Nick. Haha. It will get easier and then instead of a chore, it will be...your fun life!!!

You helped me, too. Thanks.

[Mr.Arch-Vile]

Originally Posted by Nickname

Recently I've noticed that I spend too much time on PC. I basically don't feel well, and have no social life, and don't feel like doing anything, including working. All this brought me here in the first place. So, I spend a fair amount of time (actually a lot of time) on PC reading and writing about what others say. For me personally, I don't get very much help from PC as to get out of my shell (and many times others' posts make me feel worse), but it gives the sense of belonging to something. I thought about leaving several times, but then I was afraid to be left of doing nothing again; no social life, no working, and no virtual life. Before I joined I felt depressed most of the time, but when I participate actively in the forums, I don't feel depressed per se, but I feel consumed in the sense that I spend too much time on it and doing nothing in my real life, which makes me depressed. In both ways I seem to be doomed to my own inadequacies!! I know I have to go out ... etc, but I just don't know how to socialize. It hurts me as I am very fragile and sensitive emotionally.

I'll give you something to do, take out your cellphone and reconnect with an old friend.

Trust me I believe your more than capable to socialize, you can do it.

Originally Posted by Mr.Arch-Vile

I'll give you something to do, take out your cellphone and reconnect with an old friend.

Trust me I believe your more than capable to socialize, you can do it.

My only old friend lives in another country, and we talk rarely. I need face-to-face interactions. I am capable if I am relaxed, which isn't the case most of the time. May be I need to accept this fact, instead of trying to change, because it drains my energy, and ruining my life. Thanks for your input.

[Mr.Arch-Vile]

Originally Posted by Nickname

My only old friend lives in another country, and we talk rarely. I need face-to-face interactions. I am capable if I am relaxed, which isn't the case most of the time. May be I need to accept this fact, instead of trying to change, because it drains my energy, and ruining my life. Thanks for your input.

I feel that your cutting yourself short by assuming that you can't be relaxed all the time.

Have you tried the meetup app?

I know it sounds cliche, but you need to get out of your comfort zone.

Judging by how you interact with people on the forums I'd think you would have no problem with socializing with others.

Originally Posted by Mr.Arch-Vile

I feel that your cutting yourself short by assuming that you can't be relaxed all the time.

Have you tried the meetup app?

I know it sounds cliche, but you need to get out of your comfort zone.

Judging by how you interact with people on the forums I'd think you would have no problem with socializing with others.

I am cutting myself short, but I cannot help these thoughts and feelings. They are automatic.

I was supposed to have my first meeting today, but I succeeded in finding many reasons not to go. May be some are justified. I am sick (have cold), and couldn't sleep yesterday night. But yes, I am using it, and will try to sign up with groups that require little interactions. Do you have suggestions for good groups?

I am not sure if my interactions here are indicative to my interactions in real life. May be they indicate my capacity, but not my real interactions.

Thanks

[Mr.Arch-Vile]

Join a group that is reflective to your hobbies and interests. ( I hate stating broad general suggestions just as what was stated)

I recommend that at least try to practice meditation, in fact see if you could join a meditation group. This is just a suggestion, but since you say your thoughts and feelings are automatic I think a constant meditation practice would help get some things under control.

As a tip you can start meditating now, just get into a nice comfortable chair and focus on your breathing. Try for 5 minutes to just focus on your breathing. If you can do that then extend the time to 7 minutes, the goal is to extend to idealistically a whole hour, but realistically 20 minutes. If you can pull this off, you will begin to see that the whole thing isn't so automatic. Trust me you can do it, it just a matter of practice.

I might guess you might be a little reluctant to try, but I feel that just suggesting the idea would enough to get you thinking about the subject.

[DechanDawa]

Get proper, individualized instruction for meditation from a certified teacher. Group meditation may be an excellent way to gently break through social anxiety barriers.