Daily Contract with Self

I have started a practice of writing out a daily contract with myself to try to not have negative thoughts for a 24 hour period. I write out the day, date, time, and my intention to have more positive and productive thoughts and refrain from "feeding" negative thoughts for a 24 hour period.

You wouldn't think this would be difficult, right? Well, it is. This last period of depression I am coming out of has contained a lot of self-loathing and self-castigation. I think this is because when I shared how I have been feeling with family and friends I received a lot of negative feedback such as the old "just snap out of it," and "you are on your own, go to the hospital ER if you feel in crisis" type of stuff.

I have been thinking in a negative way for so long that it is actually difficult to wake up and make a promise to go easy on myself, and try to have a comfortable day while completing my tasks.

Has anyone else ever tried writing out a daily contract to try to be more positive?

PS I am also now incorporating a spiritual time daily but I don't think this is the appropriate thread to discuss it.

i can't imagine myself doing that- a whole 24 hours without thinking about suicide, or how i was / am treated as a person, and how i have nothing going for me what so ever?

um.....

no.

i don't see it working

Doing this practice has raised my awareness. I don't treat myself very well. This morning I noticed I "wanted" to start up negative thoughts. I also realized I was hungry but I didn't have any food in the house...not even for breakfast. So I immediately wrote up a grocery list and went and shopped and with great care bought healthy foods, and came home and prepared a healthy brunch.

I also have another observation. Although I have never engaged in physical self-harming, I think that negative self talk is kind of like mental self harm. When tension starts to build up I think I have been using negative self-talk as a way of letting off steam, or releasing tension. I don't think I need to say here what kind of negative self-talk I am talking about. It can be very brutal.

Now I am trying to interrupt that circuitry. I guess I am applying some DBT skills.

I still felt bad when I was I was at the grocery store but at least I was moving around, and doing something productive and not self-destructive.

I am not saying this is easy. But so far it is working. When I want to engage in mental negativity I remember my 24 hour contract. I have also been filing "reports" at the end of each 24 hour period.

Personally I feel like I am at a fork in the road. There are two signs. One says, "Negative Self Talk, Suicidal Ideation, Poor Self Image" and this sign points down a road that is dark and filled with bad stuff like the forest in the Harry Potter movies. The other sign says, "24 Hour Contract of Loving-Kindness" and it points down a road that is misty with glowing light and sparkling stars all around it.

Which road do I want to take when I wake up in the morning? I have a choice. I can choose and let my feet carry me forward.

I think that a daily contract of no negative thoughts would be difficult. Maybe keep a journal to write out any feelings or thoughts, good or bad?

I think a safety contract is good - an agreement where one won't harm one's self.

I have tried journals. I still journal but I have a tendency to focus on negative thoughts in journals. I am not sure why.

I think negative thoughts are a safety problem. I think they are a form of self-harm. It is a habitual way of thinking about oneself that becomes one's "reality." So my 24 hour contract is really an agreement where one is contracting to not harm one's self.

I am not saying this is easy but I think it gets to the root of a lot of a lot of mental pain.

I am not saying we disregard that life presents problems. In fact, I have so many problems my life often is quite overwhelming.

But this is a way to cope.

I don't have good coping skills. I am weak in this area. Part of coping well is being positive.

I hope more people offer feedback.

Thank you to everyone who has been helping me with my DBT skill building.

Here's a plan...

I place 3 coffee beans in my right hand pocket. If I have a negative thought I move a bean over to the left hand pocket. But, when I think of something positive - or how to change/solve the original problem - I move a bean back to the righthand pocket. The idea is that you end the day positively with the righthand pocket of beans. This encourages looking for positivity and challenging that which isn't.

I learned this at leadership school. It is far too easy - and we tend - to note the negative. The idea is to challenge that. To come up with plans, problem solve and generally look for the positive. I used to use this as a tool for management of people - ensuring that I also note and reward that which is done well.

This goes hand in hand with goal setting. It ensure that we don't take too much on; that our goals are reallistic. In this case they are very measurable and easily rewarded (which is a must)

As a believer in one-day-at-a-time approaches to change, I think this contract idea is a good one though I've never done something like this before. I mostly just try to monitor my thinking and catch myself.

I didn't see in any of your posts whether your contracts also include trying to use constructive/positive talk to replace the destructive/negative talk. Just silencing those destructive thoughts isn't enough, you need to replace them with something that will be helpful to you.

--Ceara1010

Good point. I try to do a gratitude practice. For instance, I am having to spend a lot of money on truck repairs in the coming week. It can be very stressful thinking about this. However, my gratitude practice is to remind myself that I have a mechanic I really trust and like. The truth is...I have a lot of "silver linings" in my life but I tend not to focus on them.

I have to do a daily written contract because this habit of negative thoughts is so deeply worn I need to monitor myself. It seems extreme but my negative thinking really gets in the way of my coping.

I also think more positive opportunities would present themselves if I have a positive attitude.

DD,

I'm with shattered sanity on this, at least right now.

I don't think that there's any coming out of this one. I don't care any longer. Last year, when this started again, I had hope that things could get better once again. Therapy, drugs, even ECT again.

Nothing has improved. I've tried the CBT power of positive thinking stuff and it doesn't make a difference. It feels like lies. I can lie enough to get by - to my case manager, my therapist - but I can't lie to myself. The pretending is tiresome but the worst thing is that it is false, it is a lie, it's not me.

I don't know how to be true and face reality at the same time.

No, I couldn't do it. But it sounds as if it might work for you.

Good luck.

I think I might be spending a lot of time moving beans! I have heard of this and have even done it in a slightly different form. Thanks for this.

I am sorry things have not worked for you. When I am really down I find it difficult to do CBT or DBT or any of the cognitive therapies.

I understand what you mean about truth and lies. If I am thinking a positive thought sometimes there is a little voice in my head that chuckles and says, "Oh, doing that "faking it until you make it" thing again?"

However, I am alone, I need to get back to full-time work. I am alone, with no one to depend on emotionally or financially, so until such a time comes that I am like a clock that has just wound down, I must create a life.

Believe me, I do understand where you are coming from.

But I really have no choice in the matter. I must survive and create a life, and no one (and I do mean no one) cares if I spend every day in deep mental despair, or if I strive for a more light-hearted approach.

I reached out this year and was met with some hard truths. Even the closest friends and relatives were a little more than patronizing and skimpy in their support. I find the whole mental health care system a joke.

In the end we are alone and whether or not our suffering has meaning, or our happiness brings pleasure is of very little consequence.

We are, I believe, a part of a whole....a bigger picture than we can see, and we must do our part, until our little part is finished.

I don't think what I am suggesting here is impossible, although it is difficult. And that is what cognitive behavior therapy is based on. It isn't rocket science. It is turning the mind one thought at a time.

Cider guy, you being a very good writer, understand this.

i do like the coffee bean idea

i bet by the end of the day though- most of mine would be strewn across the floor.. i'd get bored really quickly of it

I tried wearing a rubber band and snapping my wrist when I had a negative thought. That ended up with a lot of snapping!

I do wear a prayer bracelet and that is more positive.

Frankly, I am doing this one thought at a time. I have as many negative thoughts as everyone else. It seems to me almost every thought I have is negative.

I am trying to turn that around because frankly, living like this has become unbearable. It is just not worth it.

I just watched the movie "A Beautiful Mind" last night (again) and it was pretty amazing that John Nash managed his schizophrenia for a time simply by ignoring his hallucinations. In the end medication was helpful, but he did a lot of the work himself. His story amazes me because one person proved you can turn your mind...

Yes, me too. I've started to try to do the "gratitude" thread over in the general social chat forum, and I'm bothered by how difficult it is each day for me to come up with something to be grateful for as I know there's a lot for me to appreciate no matter how messed up my life is. But I do try.

You can definitely see more options if you think positively about situations, particularly positive options. And this can reduce stress and depression and other things. This is also still very hard for me to do, but I'm trying everyday to get better at this, too.

--Ceara1010

It sounds like it's working well for you & that's all that really matters! For me, I can't see it working unless there was leniency built into it. As other people had mentioned, too, replacing the negative self-talk with something more positive; or even allowing some type of lapse. For me at least, I can see myself writing a contract, doing something in contradiction of the contract, then feeling doubly-bad about it because 1) I am being negative in the first place &, 2) now I've broken a promise to myself. That happens whenever I try to make some sort of promise to myself and don't follow through (e.g. I'm going to run 5 times this week, I'm going to accomplish something after work besides going to bed, etc). If I don't end up keeping that promise to myself, I'm guilty in addition to succumbing to that 'bad behavior'. My very black-&-white personality shining through in all its glory

Yes…I have had a lot of success with compartmentalisation.

I wake up before sunrise, and have reserved that time of the day for feeling good and planning my day…the mornings belong only to positivity. Then I spend my day getting my planned projects done…not always successful…but for the most part I'm fairly productive.

Come 3pm I wind down and do a check on my depression and motivation levels…I allow myself an hour or so to reflect on my progress.

These strategies do over time become habit forming…but it takes tenacity and will. Worth a try.

Well, my contract is not about being perfect, it is about trying. It is not easy. That is a point I'd like to make. I still have negative thoughts. I made the contract with myself to practice being more positive. Progress...not perfection...is my goal. Also, I feel it is a matter of life or death. If I don't think more positively my life will not improve. I think it is a matter of survival to think positively....even when it seems forced. I am trying to break a mental habit...and who knows how long it will take? Maybe a year...maybe forever. What have I got to lose? Everything. So it is important.

This was great feedback. I did not think of it as compartmentalization...but maybe it is. Like putting the negative thoughts away in a far corner. I think you understand that they don't go away entirely...yes...this was great. I have not read a comment from you for awhile. Thank you so much for your input! Thank you for visiting!

The gratitude thing is very hard. I might even say I don't like to do it!!! I would rather complain to myself.

But you have to try, and once you start it gets easier.

I was in the supermarket shopping and kind of complaining to myself. A gentlemen wanted to get by me and said "Excuse me," in a very cheerful, kind way. As he walked away I saw that he was walking on an artificial leg. He was wearing shorts. Who knows what his story was? He could have been a veteran, or maybe he had cancer, or was in an accident. However, he walked so beautifully, and to do that took a lot of hard work, and not feeling sorry for himself.

Once you start gratitude practice you will notice new things. Keep going with it even if it feels awkward at first!

Absolutely--practice and progress.

I think some people have difficulty thinking about it in this way as they view trying to be positive as an all encompassing thing--meaning, you can only think happy, optimistic thoughts. But that's not what this is about.

It's just as unhealthy to only "look on the bright side" as it is to only see "the dark side" of things. They say looking at the world and people with rose colored glasses leads to denial about problems and conflicts, and things in life that are viewed as negative or super serious. But I would argue that always being negative leads to it's own kind of denial--denial that there is value to life, that there's a lot of good in people, and it's possible to get well, that there are solutions to problems, etc.

It's important to be positive when there are things to genuinely be positive about, but it's also important to be honest and realistic with yourself and others and not be afraid to confront and acknowledge problems in your life and in the world. I think the big challenge is learning to balance all these perspectives and is probably something you work on for the rest of your life.

--Ceara1010

Thanks for all the great comments.

I can't deny having problems. I am in a period of my life where I have overwhelming problems. In fact, it sometimes seems to me that all I have are problems.

I have been in this place a few times in my life. Usually it is when I am in transition, and when things are changing, and it requires a shift in thinking and behavior.

I did not want to give the impression that I have "found the way."

In fact, it has been a year this August since I have been trying to figure out how to manage my mental health.

I cleaned up my diet, and lifestyle. I take vitamins. Etc.

I have not been on any Psych medicines for a year, however, in the last month I was given a very low dosage benzodiazapine to get me through a rough period of intense anxiety. I have taken diazepam in the past, but I find that now I don't like it. It does reduce the anxiety a bit but leaves me feeling tired and a bit foggy, which I don't like. And this is on a very low dosage.

However, the temporary reduction in anxiety has given me a chance to really embrace cognitive and behavioral changes.

Some posters have commented that doing a daily contract might be a stress inducing responsibility.

But if doing this contract allows me even 5 minutes of relief daily it is worth it.

I have a lot of respect for the people who have completed a year, or even more, studying and practicing CBT and DBT skills. As one poster commented on another thread...it's a lifelong practice.

DD,

If there is anything at all that you can do to get that 5 minutes of feeling better, my God, I would do it in a moment. So whatever you can do, I would encourage you to do.

I don't know why I can't "do" CBT, etc. Out of a "I won't say no to anything" moment early this morning, I visited David Lynch's Transcendental Meditation website. I don't know anything about TransMed and don't care to but one little scenario that was mentioned by a guy in the video introduction made me pause the video and and take a couple of minutes to think of myself (I changed the scenario around a bit) sitting in a small yellow boat on a calm blue ocean the perfect surrounding atmosphere and my eyes closed and I felt a little peace for a few minutes. Unlike CBT, where I can't stop thinking, I didn't think anything at all during that few minutes.

I've never been able to do something like that. I haven't tried again for fear that it was a fluke, that I was just lying to myself in feeling that peace.

I like that phrase, though (or rather, what it means): "manage my mental health." I think that I'm alone in doing that just now. I'm approaching a year of being on the same ineffectual psych meds and a year of therapy in which I've not progressed at all. I'm always willing to try one more thing before giving up, I think.

I'm going to read this thread again. I'm going to look for the shortest and most basic book on meditation that I can find. I can't reject the reality that things don't really look so great and that I'm not operating with any optimism but those few minutes were peaceful, even if just in my head (joke).

This is a good thread, something positive. Thanks.

I want to think about this a bit. I've been shocked by how much the mental health care system has changed in the past 14-15 years. It was so different back then. Not too long ago I thought that the system was dismissive of me because of my age: that at 40 I was worth saving but at 56 I was beyond redemption. But that's not it, is it? Personally I believe that CBT and other fast track solutions are very much to blame. Fast track solutions may work for some and may work for a lifetime who are able to adapt it from the clinical scenario to day-to-day life but there are really very few alternatives for those whom these solutions don't work.

You're right. It's a joke. The next time that I see my T, I am going to ask him, "What's our goal here? What's you're goal?" I want him to answer before me. It's his job, not mine, to have a goal for every patient. It's my job to know what the contract is and work towards it if I'm in agreement with it.

Contract. Yes, I use the word with my other doctors - why not with my T or myself? I don't think that my daily contract would be the same as yours but it would have a 'positive' goal.

This is one of the most thoughtful and doable things that I've read here. I would like to hear from others.

If you could reduce your goal to one sentence what would you write?

It sounds like you are on a good path of your own...why do you need meditation instruction? To me this is kind of funny because I am a certified meditation instructor. I am moving in 10 days and today donated about 50 books on meditation and Buddhism to the library. I was thinking today about how I have been meditating off and on for about 30 years and here I am, still trying to get out of crisis!

Well, who knows where I would be had I not spent so many years practicing and studying Buddhist meditation?

I often create imaginary "safe places" where I can go to, and, as well, I create imaginary "mentors" who I talk to about my problems. Obviously, because they are created by my imagination, I can change them to suit my needs.

Good luck with your pursuits. Insofar as finding out information about meditation, just go with what feels right for you.

PS I started out doing Transcendental Meditation. I was in college, and visiting my brother in Chicago, and as a birthday present he paid for a course I took at the University on TM. Later in life I was in a different city, and looking for a TM Center. Instead I stumbled on a Tibetan Buddhism Center, and the rest is history. I now have a masters degree in Buddhist studies. It needs to start making money for me.

Be well, my friend. Do whatever you can do to get that 5 minutes of relief, and then expand on it. It does my heart good to know that maybe my own efforts at escaping pain and mental misery has inspired another to do the same.

Wondering how today went...