Why do I long for a mother figure instead of partner?

I´ve been in therapy for half a year now and we talk about relationships and partners (among other things). I´m 30+ and I have never dated and naturally I haven´t been in a relationship. I don´t suspect any medical reasons for that.

When I feel lonely as I often do I never picture me with a man (or a women as in a partner) and I neither picture a man to be the comfort or support I need. My mother is alive but we don´t have that close contact although we speak on the phone almost every day.

By that I´m kind of "stuck" in some childish needs and longing for a mother, I want the warmth of a mother, the caring, the presence. I don´t mean I want a mother to clean, to cook for me and such but it´s something deeply emotional I lack.

My mother was there for me when I was a child, she was a stay at home mom for many years. She says she gave me hugs but I don´t remember it that much. I was never abused or anything like that.

But still, I have this deep longing for a mother figure. Has anyone else experienced this? Did you talk about in in therapy, any theories that surfaced around this complex issue?

The way you have described it, yes. My own mother never fit the bill. I realise now I was perhaps seeking those things missing in my relationship with her. My past relationships failed badly - for a number of reasons but I think a very big reason was that they lacked the motherly qualities I had been looking for.

i've had therapy on this however and now firmly am of the belief that I did not deserve the treatment of my own mother (I wasn't bad persay). Gone is my need for a 'mother' in my life and I found a relationship I haven't had that requirement for.

I'm interested not only in other people's experiences needing a motherly relationship; but, in those that find themselves being 'the mother'. I now find a tendancy for this to happen.

I agree, it sounds like you didn't get the mothering you needed as a child. Having some caring friends is important to women who are married or not married. They can be nurturing like mothers.

People don't realize this, but love does not only needs a transmitter but also a receiver. Some people simply have a hard time to make connections and feel the love that is there.

Of course I'm not saying it is your problem, but with some people it IS the problem.

I seek semi father figures in friends sometimes. Why? Because my dad is a bad dad and I look for another one? NO. Because he is a pretty good dad and I look for his positives in other people, and it is sometimes nice to have people give another perspective based on age.

What ages are your friends? I only have ONE single friend my own age, the others are older or younger.

You show a pretty powerful self-awareness, SS. What does your T say?

Do you know if you're straight, gay, bi, asexual?

It isn't childish to long for ANYone.

I think I'm longing for the same thing.

i realise now that i'm older, i do and did need my mother and didn't know how much. The day i felt so bad was when she was bedridden after a fall and broken ankle. I gave her a big hug while she was in bed and told her i loved her. Time has passed and i will never forget the feeling of hopelessness on that day. She is healing but it's been 1 year and she is a bit better. thank God and pray for her please. Oh i forgot to mention my dad had knee operations done and is healiing well too.

Thanks. I don´t have that many friends and the ones I have are around my age. I wish I had a female older friend who could be a bit like a mother figure to me but that isn´t so easy to find as it isn´t that normal to "advertise" for mother figures online.

My own mom shows interest in me, we call each other almost daily but we live far from each other and when I sometimes visit her I don´t feel that deep connection to her. My dad has been more or less out of the picture since many years ago, almost no emotional connection there.

Thanks. That´s interesting, how do you see that I show powerful self-awareness? I just ask because I felt positive about that comment.

My T and I have several issues to talk about, I´ve mentioned this about looking for a mother figure and we talked about it a bit but we haven´t reached more deeply than that.

I´m more or less sure I´m straight but one of my issues is that I haven´t been in a relationship at all and around that issue this with the longing for a mother figure comes up.

I meant that a lot of people are looking for a mother figure but are not aware of that.

I read similarities to how I was when I was your age in your post, SarahSweden. I did not marry until I was 39 (met my husband at 34) and was in therapy for mother issues from when I was 29 to when I was 38 (and then 47-56).

What I learned over the years (I'm now going to be 66 next month) is that you cannot want/long for what you have never known. I was a virgin for a long time and would have sex dreams but would always wake up just when it was getting good :-) It wasn't until after I was married that I realized that was because I only had head knowledge of that part of sex? Even having masturbated/had orgasms I had not been with a man so dreaming the situation, I could not fill in those blanks because I had not had that actual experience.

It sounds like you had a "good enough" mother and want the things that felt good about that relationship and, since we're talking conscious imagination, what you can imagine you know feels good. I would look with your therapist at when you have those feelings the strongest; what you are thinking/doing, what is going on around you. My mother died when I was 3 and my stepmother and I were "not a good fit" to put it as my therapist did But I could still long for the comfort of a mother, especially when I was feeling lonely or anxious? It's probably a form of self-soothing (like a thumb in the mouth of a toddler instead of a breast)? Look at when you experience the feelings the strongest? Identify and tackle the actual issue/feeling head on. When you are lonely, make a plan for how to make friends or do something with others or identify an interest to pursue, etc. Maybe volunteer and meet an older woman to mentor you in some way and get out and meet some men and talk to them; one cannot get experience without putting in the time/practice?

Thanks for support. Very interesting to hear your story and experiences as they seem to be similar.

It´s also interesting that you mention this about sex dreams as my T is beginning to ask me about such things. She knows I´m a virgin and we have talked a little around why and how I think about it and the next step (I think) is that she wants to know if there is any sex drive at all. It´s embarrassing to talk about but I understand why and I at the same time think it´s important.

What you describe is very similar to what I experience around sex dreams and even if I´m not a "virgin" when it comes to having sex with myself I don´t have any explicit dreams about real intercourse and I don´t think I ever fantasied more in detail having sex with a man (nor woman) but I don´t want to stay that way all my life.

It´s interesting how and if this can be traced back to those longings for a mother figure and perhaps part of that is about with a mother it´s more innocent and safe when no sex is involved?

I´ve tried in several ways to make new friends and I have a couple of female friends but they aren´t especially close friends. I also tried to find a bit of a mother figure in older female priests, I mean to talk to and so on but they aren´t that kind of contacts you keep for a long time.

As I´m a bit scared and insecure I haven´t taken the step to meet men for dates and it also depends on where I am in life, in therapy, taking care of other problems besides this longing for a mother figure issue.

Do you feel your longing for a mother figure had the connection back to insecurity around men?

I think that everyone is supposed to be given unconditional love by their mother at birth and throughout life. If you have this one person who loves you no matter what, then you can move on to other relationships like the adult kind because you've had that security. Without it, you are stuck that way because it is a need.

I'm the same way. I don't care about an adult relationship. I feel like the only thing I want or need is a mother and I put all the energy most people put into a partner into finding a mother. I've come close a few times, but it never works out. People assume that because time has gone by that means I'm just automatically supposed to grow with it. But if I don't get it, I stay a child who needs it as much as a child does. It's like expecting a flower to grow with no water.

I've tried to be in relationships before because everyone else does and society said it's what I'm supposed to do. The issue is that I never actually WANT to be around the person. I avoid them at all costs. Sex grosses me out-the times I've had it make me sick and I don't want to remember them. I hate how adults make everything about sex this or that or I can't innocently say something without someone making a sex reference. Not only does it trigger me but it upsets me that I can't have anything be innocent like I want it to be because of my age.

I can't stand when men like me. I dress in plain clothes and no makeup so that helps.