[SarahSweden]

I have tried for several years to get a better life, a job, more friends and so on but I keep being stuck. I do things though, I´m not just at home doing nothing but the things I do never lead anywhere.

At the moment I study at the university for a year to do something else than just being unemployed. But as I´m mentally not well, I have anxiety, I can´t cope with stress that well, I don´t have the strength to join class that often, I mostly study at home.

The studies won´t lead anywhere as the don´t give me an exam, it´s just two terms to be away from the unemployment for a while.

I have spent 9 months in therapy and even if the therapeutic relationship is quite good I don´t feel any improvements although I really engage in therapy, I come up with new themes to talk about and such.

I just feel lost, I don´t have any personal contacts that can help me find a job and I just feel it´s hopeless.

Anyone else who can relate?

I've felt this way in the past - even when surrounded by a support network.

I wonder about your therapy. While it isn't for everyone, you seem goal oriented which might be the therapeutic route to take. A really good example is CBT; which really helped me with my anxiety and depression linked to my poor self-worth.

You don't necessarily need to be in a program. There are some great books out there. Concentrate on looking for those that have worksheets and are structured to take a few months to complete. Actually do the work and try not to work ahead. I tried a few before landing on "Cognative Behavior Therapy for Dummies" (I'm absolutely not joking about this).

Just an idea.

[stewartmays1]

i get were you are coming from im in the same boat nothing leeds me anyware but i guess it all comes down to will power and keep on trying to get improvements were possable

[Deejay14]

How about working towards something you like and have an interest in. What work would help you to feel good. What are you good at. What are your strengths? Everyone has stress and anxiety about school. ..that's just part of the gig.

[DechanDawa]

It sounds like you are trying things and moving forward but very slowly, and it is frustrating. I also am experiencing this. I think the positive is that you sound very motivated to improve your life and heal from the inside out. This is a great foundation, so congratulations on establishing this for yourself. I like your attitude. You are seeking answers. I have no doubt you will get what you want in time, and you have also inspired me, too, to keep working at it.

[-jimi-]

Maybe you have an inner ideal self that you try to become. Thing is, we are who we are, we can be our best selves but we cannot be someone else.

The truth is, everyone cannot be anything they want to be. One of my friends is struggling a lot with this. I try to convince her of her limits AND of her strengths. But it always ends in that she wants a life that someone like her cannot live. Or it is simply not good enough.

Therapy is to find a way to handle issues, to grow, and become your best self. It is not to become your ideal self. No one can be their ideal self.

If the surroundings don't fit, sometimes one must change the surroundings, not yourself. Everyone does not have to go to college then find a job, then find a BF, then marry, then have kids. There are other ways of living life. But then you have to answer deep inside what you ARE and what you LIKE and what you are GOOD at. Hard questions, I know.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. My therapy is psychodynamic and I´ve choosen that myself, I don´t want a CBT, I´ve tried that. I also read a lot about self help tips, for example around how to "overcome" perfectionism and such but the big parts never seem to come to place. I find myself just ducking at problems, trying to escape and never find my own way out of them.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I've felt this way in the past - even when surrounded by a support network.

I wonder about your therapy. While it isn't for everyone, you seem goal oriented which might be the therapeutic route to take. A really good example is CBT; which really helped me with my anxiety and depression linked to my poor self-worth.

You don't necessarily need to be in a program. There are some great books out there. Concentrate on looking for those that have worksheets and are structured to take a few months to complete. Actually do the work and try not to work ahead. I tried a few before landing on "Cognative Behavior Therapy for Dummies" (I'm absolutely not joking about this).

Just an idea.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. I feel I have such large problems in life and so much is lacking that I don´t have the strength to solve what´s need to be solved. I take small steps all the time, like going to the university instead of being at home unemployed. But that´s just for a year, then the social services and the unemployment agencies will start chasing after me again, putting me in situations I can´t do anything about as long as I need their montly allowance.

I don´t feel I have enough of strengths that could lead me in a positive direction, I just keep getting stuck.

Originally Posted by Deejay14

How about working towards something you like and have an interest in. What work would help you to feel good. What are you good at. What are your strengths? Everyone has stress and anxiety about school. ..that's just part of the gig.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, that´s very true. In what way are you experiencing the same, if you´d like to tell a little about it?

Yes, I have always had the will and the ambition but with a lot of failure and never reaching what I want I have instead become mentally ill, having anxiety and depression.

I´m glad I could inspire you, feel free to write of you like, here or in a PM.

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

It sounds like you are trying things and moving forward but very slowly, and it is frustrating. I also am experiencing this. I think the positive is that you sound very motivated to improve your life and heal from the inside out. This is a great foundation, so congratulations on establishing this for yourself. I like your attitude. You are seeking answers. I have no doubt you will get what you want in time, and you have also inspired me, too, to keep working at it.

[DechanDawa]

Sometimes it helps just to be heard. I know that when I have a lot of problems and try to explain them to others they often will say invalidating things. This is mostly because they can't solve my problems for me, and it frustrates them, I guess. So they will say things like, "It's not that bad," or "That won't happen," etc. What I hear from you is a lot of worry about the future. Maybe things have not worked out for you in the past and you don't expect anything different from the future. I think you are stuck in rumination. It might help to do some side thing to distract you and give your mind a rest. I am going to start increasing my exercise as I would like to start running, and also, I want to start swimming more.

It is really difficult to feel you aren't strong enough to lead things in a positive direction.

But I will say that you are very articulate in stating your problem. You sound more frustrated than confused. I hope you keep going. There are friends in your future waiting to meet you. (An old professor of mine said that to me...and it was the truth.)

Best of luck to you, SarahSweden.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. This was very interesting. I don´t know my inner self, I have always lived to achieve and to perform well, to become something. I like to study but that hasn´t got me where I want to be.

I´m not thinking of achieving a life like another person have but I know I have potential but not the belief I can succeed.

You´re questions are very good and I work on those in my therapy, especially who I am. But the hard bit is that I don´t know what´s underneath achieving, studying and so on, I never built my identity around something else. Neither have I found out more about who I am by being in a relationship as I´ve always stayed single.

By this, the small steps I take are steps I should have taken years ago, now I just get sad and disappointed of my life.

Originally Posted by -jimi-

Maybe you have an inner ideal self that you try to become. Thing is, we are who we are, we can be our best selves but we cannot be someone else.

The truth is, everyone cannot be anything they want to be. One of my friends is struggling a lot with this. I try to convince her of her limits AND of her strengths. But it always ends in that she wants a life that someone like her cannot live. Or it is simply not good enough.

Therapy is to find a way to handle issues, to grow, and become your best self. It is not to become your ideal self. No one can be their ideal self.

If the surroundings don't fit, sometimes one must change the surroundings, not yourself. Everyone does not have to go to college then find a job, then find a BF, then marry, then have kids. There are other ways of living life. But then you have to answer deep inside what you ARE and what you LIKE and what you are GOOD at. Hard questions, I know.

[DechanDawa]

I think you were writing to me the same time I was writing to you!!!

I will say that in life, everything seems harder for me to accomplish than for others. However, I did accomplish goals. I finished college, and later, completed a three-year graduate school program.

Presently I am trying to restart my career because it fell through. I am working on some freelance writing projects, and hope to have some of them published.

Because of depression and anxiety, it has taken longer to reach goals.

The point is, life is not a race. I would like to repeat this so you hear me, life is not a race.

If you do have these added problems, well then, you need added love and care. So please always treat yourself well. With hygge!

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, that´s very true, I have a lot of worries about the future and I don´t know anything about how to solve all issues. I have managed to get my exams, I have gotten a few friends but it´s not a "real" life as I miss many other things.

It´s also true I´m a bit stuck in rumination, it´s even easier to get there when you´re in therapy and are supposed to find out more about yourself.

I was glad hearing I´m articulate about my problems, that´s a start at least. Sometimes I have the strength to keep going, sometimes I just ignore things and feel it´s pointless to even try.

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Sometimes it helps just to be heard. I know that when I have a lot of problems and try to explain them to others they often will say invalidating things. This is mostly because they can't solve my problems for me, and it frustrates them, I guess. So they will say things like, "It's not that bad," or "That won't happen," etc. What I hear from you is a lot of worry about the future. Maybe things have not worked out for you in the past and you don't expect anything different from the future. I think you are stuck in rumination. It might help to do some side thing to distract you and give your mind a rest. I am going to start increasing my exercise as I would like to start running, and also, I want to start swimming.

It is really difficult to feel you aren't strong enough to lead things in a positive direction.

But I will say that you are very articulate in stating your problem. You sound more frustrated than confused. I hope you keep going. There are friends in your future waiting to meet you. (An old professor of mine said that to me...and it was the truth.)

Best of luck to you, SarahSweden.

[DechanDawa]

I feel like I have only lived half of my life because of getting stuck, and becoming discouraged, and not trying very hard. I hope that you will find a way to live more than half a life. Even so, I am grateful for the half of life I did live. Appreciate all the good moments.

I am writing this to you while trying to come out of a very dark 13 month depression. I have had enough of being depressed! It is time to live. Sometimes you just have to force yourself, and pretend, and also push to do a little more than you ordinarily do.

I am going off Psych Central for awhile because I want to put my depression and anxiety to one side.

I don't know if you have ever heard of this but I recently read that a combination of meditation and aerobic exercise is known to really decrease depression. So I am trying this...with 20 minutes meditation in the morning followed by 30 minutes vigorous aerobic exercise. I never give up.

Eat well, sleep well, don't drink alcohol, meditate, exercise...and be light. Be a light to yourself, Sarah. You can do it. Hygge up!

[bugbear83]

I definitely can relate. I have a seasonal job and I can't seem to get myself to find another one. (Between dealing with depressive episodes and cleaning up after them, most attempts fall flat.) Really the one thing that gives me a sense of purpose between tax seasons are doing chores and roleplaying. (The forum kind, not the bedroom kind lol!) It doesn't necessarily lead anywhere but it makes me feel like I'm doing something important to other people.

[SarahSweden]

Yes, I think we were!

I think it´s hard to feel love for myself, actually that´s one of my issues. I don´t know how to like myself when I don´t accomplish what I want. To that, I feel bad about my situation every day, I´m not happy with how I live and so on.

I agree with you life it´s not a race but it´s hard to embrace what you do have when you feel bad about it every day.

Thanks for your encouragement, sending some "hygge" back.

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I think you were writing to me the same time I was writing to you!!!

I will say that in life, everything seems harder for me to accomplish than for others. However, I did accomplish goals. I finished college, and later, completed a three-year graduate school program.

Presently I am trying to restart my career because it fell through. I am working on some freelance writing projects, and hope to have some of them published.

Because of depression and anxiety, it has taken longer to reach goals.

The point is, life is not a race. I would like to repeat this so you hear me, life is not a race.

If you do have these added problems, well then, you need added love and care. So please always treat yourself well. With hygge!

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Sorry that you feel that you have only lived half a life, I can relate to what you say about getting stuck and becoming discouraged. I also feel I very easily become discouraged, I don´t dare trying long enough because of my fear of failing.

I´m happy for you that you´re about to come out of your depression. I do several of those things that you mention, I exercise, I don´t drink, I eat somewhat healthy and by that I´ve kept myself from just lying in bed. I assume that´s one step in the right direction but I though feel disappointed in life and I´m also very scared I won´t ever succeed.

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I feel like I have only lived half of my life because of getting stuck, and becoming discouraged, and not trying very hard. I hope that you will find a way to live more than half a life. Even so, I am grateful for the half of life I did live. Appreciate all the good moments.

I am writing this to you while trying to come out of a very dark 13 month depression. I have had enough of being depressed! It is time to live. Sometimes you just have to force yourself, and pretend, and also push to do a little more than you ordinarily do.

I am going off Psych Central for awhile because I want to put my depression and anxiety to one side.

I don't know if you have ever heard of this but I recently read that a combination of meditation and aerobic exercise is known to really decrease depression. So I am trying this...with 20 minutes meditation in the morning followed by 30 minutes vigorous aerobic exercise. I never give up.

Eat well, sleep well, don't drink alcohol, meditate, exercise...and be light. Be a light to yourself, Sarah. You can do it. Hygge up!

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for sharing. I think a seasonal job is way better than no job even if I understand how you might feel not getting the job you actually want. I agree your mood gets a bit brighter by doing something even if it´s not the ideal job but more on a voluntary basis.

Originally Posted by bugbear83

I definitely can relate. I have a seasonal job and I can't seem to get myself to find another one. (Between dealing with depressive episodes and cleaning up after them, most attempts fall flat.) Really the one thing that gives me a sense of purpose between tax seasons are doing chores and roleplaying. (The forum kind, not the bedroom kind lol!) It doesn't necessarily lead anywhere but it makes me feel like I'm doing something important to other people.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks. Sorry that you feel that you have only lived half a life, I can relate to what you say about getting stuck and becoming discouraged. I also feel I very easily become discouraged, I don´t dare trying long enough because of my fear of failing.

I´m happy for you that you´re about to come out of your depression. I do several of those things that you mention, I exercise, I don´t drink, I eat somewhat healthy and by that I´ve kept myself from just lying in bed. I assume that´s one step in the right direction but I though feel disappointed in life and I´m also very scared I won´t ever succeed.

It is very good you follow good health practices. I realize that you have ambitions, and that is good, too. It seems like you have more than average anxiety. All I can say is that many sensitive people are more prone to anxiety.

For me, I feel that anxiety about my career, and some other things, led me into depression. I had the anxiety first. I recently had an assessment done by a psychiatrist and he refused to give me a diagnosis, or medication. He said I could figure it out on my own, and maybe try a bit of counseling.

So there it is! Perhaps we need to save ourselves. Today I am going to start training for a half marathon. I will follow a 12 week program, along with meditation. I am hoping the vigorous aerobic exercise will reduce both my anxiety and depression.

I believe for those of us facing these problems we have to work harder. That includes being kind to ourselves, too.

I know you are suffering. I can feel it in your words. That is why I am sending you hugs and hygge! I am sorry I am not in your neighborhood. We could go to a cafe and talk. However, I send you best wishes from across the miles...

[magicalprince]

I can relate. I keep trying to move forward and anxiety, avoidance and perfectionism keep dragging me back down.

Do you have trouble setting boundaries? Maybe you are afraid of conflict and criticism and you are trying too hard to be agreeable.

Can you think of something that makes you angry? or if not, then just something that makes you sad? Something you don't want to lose, or something you regret having lost? Sadness and anger tend to tell us what is important to us. Maybe focusing on whatever that is in your case could help.

[-jimi-]

Perfectionism is a b. I wonder why it's not a disorder when it ruins so many things...

It also blows to have potential in one area and not in another that you actually need to make the first one come true. It's horrid and confusing.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Do you work on anxiety, avoidance and perfectionism in a therapy? If so, how do you and your T talk about those things?

I don´t see I have a hard time setting boundaries, perhaps I´m more like not wanting to try things if I don´t know I´ll succeed. I want the "safe way" so to speak.

I can think of several things that makes me both angry and sad. For example that I have an exam and large study loans but no job. It makes me sad that I have never been in a relationship and that I have just very few friends. I think I have lost a lot of years when I could have been happier, I could have choosen a different part in life, perhaps study abroad or something like that. I feel there´s overall a lot of sadness in my life, a lot of loneliness.

Originally Posted by magicalprince

I can relate. I keep trying to move forward and anxiety, avoidance and perfectionism keep dragging me back down.

Do you have trouble setting boundaries? Maybe you are afraid of conflict and criticism and you are trying too hard to be agreeable.

Can you think of something that makes you angry? or if not, then just something that makes you sad? Something you don't want to lose, or something you regret having lost? Sadness and anger tend to tell us what is important to us. Maybe focusing on whatever that is in your case could help.