Change

Hi. No, please continue to post. That is what the forum is for. But remember that support isn't only about providing agreement and consolation. Support also includes constructive criticism.

I have read your posts. Yes, it is very apparent that you seek change in your life. What isn't apparent is that you are doing anything about it. People have offered you plenty of advice but there is no acknowledgement of that nor is there indication you are undertaking any of it. It frustrates me then that you ignore doing anything with this advice yet still complain.

I encourage you to be open about your feelings, but please consider advice and direction that people had previously kindly taken the time to provide you.

This is exactly why I posted this thread. People think I lack the knowledge of what to do, while my issue is how to do them. It seems that you think it is direct and simple: you know something, you do it. For me it is not that simple. I know almost everything has been suggested and said, but this thread isn't about asking for suggestions, but it is about how to be motivated for change and how to overcome the crippling fear. I know I want to get better because I am not living my life and my current situation is painful and miserable, but this doesn't seem enough for me, while it seems enough for others (most of them) to at least try to change by trying different things. I can create many excuses why I am not trying, but the fact is that I am so afraid and scared. That is why I think I will never change, because I am not seriously trying because I am so afraid to start. I don't ignore suggestions because I want to offend anyone, but because I cannot do them. Also, I don't remember asking for suggestions. I wanted to understand why I am not trying to change and why I am stuck. If you feel frustrated, I encourage you to use the ignore list option to hide my posts from you. I use it a lot and I have many names on it.

I can sympathize with the crippling feelings of change & the fear of doing it. The negativity of how it's effected my life & the mindset of being lazy & stubborn. I feel very much the same way.
People told me I needed therapy. I did that & every med out there for 24 yrs. That I needed several hospitalizations bec I was a danger to myself. I did that. They said I needed emdr, cbt, ECT. I did all that. I needed marriage counseling. I did that. I needed to read books & to follow new philosophies. I did that. I did everything I was supposed to that others told me to do to help myself get better. Spent half my life trying to get better!

To me, they all ended in failure. Ok, not all failure bec I'm still alive & still looking for some hope, some relief. I'm still having the same issues that I did 10-15 yrs ago. So I'm called treatment resistant & have anger issues. I quit going to everything bec I didn't see progress.
So I turned to alcohol, that's short lived. Opiates, ran out of scripts & then sex as an escape. That was awesome, but I'm still left with myself in the end....& the same issues.
So I look at myself & think of all the change I need to do. And it's overwhelming & not pretty. And by now I'm lazy about it, like why try bec it's going to hurt people I love.
When I try to change things I'm good for about 2-3 days & then I get tripped up & fail. It gets harder & harder to get back up again.
With change comes fear. Fear of failure & fear of the unknown. It can lock us into a set space & can be terrifying. We make this space tighter for ourselves with our own negativity.
This is how I see it. I don't have any answers for it & ive become very cynical about the answers that are out there. Sorry.
But I do understand the power of these concepts in our lives & I know we're supposed to give it less power, to shrink it down to manageable size so we can deal with it. I do understand what you're dealing with.

Mr. Stranger, I don't really have anything else. Sorry. I need to take care of myself today. StarrySky.

People resist change for so many reasons. Fear, rejection, failure, and etc. I think you have to want it for yourself. You want change but how bad do you want it? I know you are not seeing a therapist but you should really try to. You mentioned you are unable to follow through on the self-help books. So what now?

I understand what Justafriend was saying and I don't think he/she meant any harm. Please continue to post if it helps you feel any better.

MAybe you need someone to talk to explain to you what you miss in life. to look things positively.

Hi Mr. Stranger, I just want to acknowledge your fear. Yes, there are many reasons why people don't change. Fear is another one. You asked me how I started the process to change myself, I think. I don't know. One night, when I was 23, I was so down and hopeless that I started writing. It was a still small but strong and kind voice that said that they were here for me and it was going to be ok. I thought I'd lost it and I probably had. But it made me feel better. I think that night, I found my inner light for just a moment. It didn't end well for me or anything. I had many difficult times. But I now know that voice, is the truth, it is loving, it could be god him or herself. . I just know that I rely on it now most days. I notice you are supportive of others here and say kind things to them. Pretend you are one of us, and write down a problem u r having. Answer it as if you are talking to one of us.

Mr. Stranger I hope you don't think I am being out of line but.....have you ever looked up Asperger Syndrome Burnout? Perhaps it may shed some light. Best to You.

(((((((Mr. Stranger))))))))

I am sorry you got triggered in this thread. I would have gotten triggered too.

After reading this thread I understand that what you have been wanting to know. You know what to do, but you can't seem to find your way towards doing it. I can see you got triggered in that you got a response that was "I am going to get tough with you", and that is never going to work with your challenge.

I have a room in my home that I was redoing. I did a lot of the room, and the only thing I have left to do is to paint the trim. I know how to do it, but I can't seem to do it and it confused me. And, to be honest, that room is still empty with the trim needing to be painted and it's been sitting like now for a few years. I am avoiding it, and that is on a deep subconscious level and I could not figure out why. Having anyone get "tough" with me about it will only make that challenge WORSE. And it will not help to motivate me AT ALL.

What I finally realized after "avoiding" it for so long is that my route challenge is more about not wanting to do something that will just be invaded somehow. That is why experiencing someone getting "tough" with me about it will not help and trigger me to want to "distance". The way you responded with feeling that your effort here at PC has turned negative for you and you pulled away is exactly what happens to me too.

Often, the way one gets a sense of control is by not engaging. When it comes to that room, I finally realized that the reason I don't want to do it is because as soon as it is finished my husband will pack it with his stuff and he does that to a point where I can't even get in to dust or clean. So, on a very deep subconscious level I have avoided finishing that room because that keeps it frozen in time and "empty" verses stuffed, I mean jam packed with my husband's stuff. He has a bit of hoarder in him and he collects too much stuff. As a matter of fact, the other night I was sitting here at the computer posting to someone and began to hear noises above me where it sounded like a squirrel got into the bedroom above me and was running around. So, I went upstairs where the door was shut to that room and I don't really go into that room. When I opened that door that room is so full of stuff my husband has been hoarding I could not even walk around let alone look for a squirrel. I was triggered and closed the door and am avoiding that room. Avoiding is a form of "having some kind of control".

Now, I suffer from PTSD, which is a crippling anxiety disorder and one of the symptoms of PTSD is "avoidance" and "isolating". Unfortunately, the average person doesn't understand how disabling PTSD can get, and when someone suffers from it that person gets very confused about "why" their symptoms are happening.

Social Anxiety, is an anxiety disorder too. And you are experiencing avoidance in your challenge too. You say you know what to do but can't find any motivation to try. I know what that feels like, and I have slowly come to recognize how I avoid so I have a sense of control.

You have shared that you have been able to prepare a speech and even do well when it comes to addressing a group with that prepared speech and demonstration. I can see that because when you do that you are prepared and in that you have "control". Yes, I can see that when it comes to just socializing you are a lot more vulnerable. That means you can get stuck and another person can take over or do something that "hurts" you and makes you feel SO uncomfortable. So, your inner subconscious mind has developed "avoidance".

When someone struggles with social anxiety, they may practice interacting in unhealthy ways. I recently read that a lot of the negative posts and trolling on the net is done by individuals who have social anxiety challenges, even so severe that they suffer from agoraphobia and depression. This doesn't mean all individuals who struggle do negative things.

There are other ways human beings struggle with anxiety and inner shame that presents with unhealthy interactions. If you investigate the NPD forum for example and study that challenge, you may read about individuals who experienced a childhood that included emotional neglect and abandonment. What these individuals do to "protect" and have a sense of control is they find ways to be prepared so that they disable others, or even charm others where they gain their sense of control. However, many of these individuals have talked about struggling with "anxiety" and they often suffer from stomach issues. People who struggle with NPD are not stupid either, often they are actually very intelligent and capable and some can achieve and prosper. Often they are seen as being "thin" skinned, however all this means is they can feel threatened. After all, they are only human and they developed this challenge as a coping method, and as is said, narcissists don't know they are narcissists. And if they get to a point where they struggle and reach out for help, they are totally devastated if a therapist says they have NPD. And while that challenge is considered "bad person" it's actually sad when one learns how that challenge developed in someone.

A lot of our anxiety disorders develop in childhood, and what is sad about that is that a child is so dependent on the caregivers that that child can develop challenges through no fault of their own.

So, the individual that triggered you may have a challenge of their own, and may not have the kind of patience and problem solving skills that "you" would be able to respond to better instead of getting triggered. You mentioned that you have used the ignore feature. So, in that you have at least figured out the personality types that trigger you where you have a way to block them out. It is these type of individuals that you could benefit from getting help with identifying better so that when you see the negative things they do that bother you, instead of getting triggered, you can say this is X kind of person and here is a way to deal with them instead of allowing them to trigger me.

One of the therapies that has proven to work well is DBT. The reason that works is because by practicing it in group situations, it helps different people learn how to respond better but to also understand what is happening when they get triggered and instead of having a melt down or being triggered, they learn how to gradually catch themselves "before" that trigger takes over and incapacitates them. DBT doesn't work overnight, and it does take time to slowly see how it works too. Some people have to take it a few times before it begins to make sense to them. It could be helpful to you in that you do better when you are prepared as you have stated about having time to prepare a speech or talk/demonstration.

Remember how I mentioned to you how some individuals that may struggle learn to use prepared speeches and teleprompters? This is what they are trying to do so that they don't get thrown off and instead have something to keep them on topic as well as have a way of maintaining their composure.

Human beings experience all kinds of challenges, especially when it comes to communicating effectively. It is not unusual for so many human beings to experience "anxiety" when it comes to interacting with other human beings. Even when someone is so good at their grasp of language, that person can still experience anxiety when they interact with others. In fact, some of these individuals experience anxiety if they come across someone who lacks the kind of skills they have developed. They can get upset and insulted when they come across another individual who doesn't use words as well as they do. Sometimes they make a judgement of "that person is so stupid", when in reality the individual they are talking about may actually be VERY intelligent and capable in an area the one who masters good language skills may not be capable of at all.

When it comes to interacting and language? One cannot judge a book by it's cover which unfortunately is something that is practiced by many and in turn is the root of so many "anxiety" challenges taking place in humanity.

Mr Stranger I hope that you are doing okay today.

I just wanted to add that I personally find change very challenging, in fact so much so that I aim to minimise it as much as I can in my life. I am happiest when my life is stable and predictable, it sounds dull but I am also a very loyal and dependable person so it's not all bad.

What Open Eyes wrote about avoiding change is certainly true for me, or at least I keep it at a bare minimum. Thinking about it I am in 'control' in this way and I feel safer.

There have been times in my life when change has been thrust upon me, motherhood for example - and I struggled there too in the beginning. Yet in time I did find my feet.

I still struggle with change now - socially I do so much better than 5 years ago when I had a very limited life, but yes I can still struggle in social situations at times.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone - this is a very human experience.