Change

I wonder why some people try to change, while others don't!! I mean, I see all of these people here in these forums with all sorts of issues, and they are trying to get better by trying different things. I don't have this urge to change or try things out, not any more. What does this mean? Why do some people want to get better while others don't? Does this mean I am a lazy person who wishes for things only while not doing the work? Am I arrogant? Am I stubborn? I know I am missing on life and I weep over that fact, yet I don't seem to do anything about it. Why? I should be motivated to change because of the current pain and the possible pleasures, but I am not.

please bare with my scattered thoughts on this subject. have you heard of personal responsibility? It's basically the idea that we are 100% responsible for our lives. I learned about it at age 30, and never looked back. Jack Canfield dedicates the entire first chapter to it in his book The Success Principles. You know mr. Stranger, one thing I'm learning about is momentum and motivation. It's kind of like physics. The more in motion you are, the easier it is to do something, or continue doing something. What is it that you want? I see you wanting a whole bunch of things, and I see you having no idea how to obtain them. I also see you comparing yourself to others a lot. And not really taking the advice of others, which, I think you know, hence, you starting this thread? I mention motivation, because if you can think of something you want, know the motivation comes AFTER you start working on it. Not before. I think that's why it's so hard for people, me included, to work on their goals, because of the assumption that in order to do something, you must feel like doing it. No. That's not how it works. "I don't feel like it / I don't have the desire to," is not a reason to not do anything. Start small if you must. What do you want? How can you obtain it? What is some advice that people have given you here that you might be able to implement, even if you don't feel like it. There's a book called Feeling Good by David Burns. I recommend it because he talks about the distortion of feeling like "well even if I do it, it might suck and then it won't be worth it.". Start small. There are a lot of resources available. I think you see yourself as hopeless, and this is a distortion. You have probably been thinking this way for a long time, so of course, it's hard to change. Start small. Be patient. Be kind with yourself. That's all I have for now. Also, you ask "why?". I think this is the wrong question to ask. I think it sounds like you are maybe looking for something to be wrong with you, when perhaps, there are other questions to ask instead of why am I like this. Like, how can I be like so and so. How can I change for the better?

Since no two of us are identical, I first encourage all of us to avoid much use of generalizations and categories for human beings...

Some people try to change because they believe they can or even must, but "getting better" does not always have to be the specific goal. Not all of my grandchildren always find it fun to play with me, for example, but I cannot change to playing like they do and the idea of slowing to my kind of pace would likely not offer much enjoyment for them.

Not having the urge to change or try new things is something you and I have in common, and part of my own deal there has to do with the pain I experience from something as simple as just rising up from my chair. At the same time, however, there are times I weep alongside you -- I can only briefly glance at pictures of my grandchildren -- because we are missing some things other people are doing...and at least partly because our presence might require their having to change a bit to help make it possible for us to come along.

I used to have an uncle who said he and a neighbor were two living members of their neighborhood "Good Ol' Boys and Cripples Club", and now today I wish I had joined way back then! I have not tried to answers your questions about yourself here, but I do believe the answers we seek might best be found right here amongst ourselves.

Yeah I feel this way most of the time. To me & what I see...it comes with age.

Mr. Stranger, this is for you
We are all in different places.

Hi,

Do you think that it could be the case that one of the reasons why you don't have the urge to change is that you basically haven't decided what it is that you want to accomplish? I can say for myself that the reason why I've tried different approaches to improving my mental health is because I certainly in the past have seen a huge difference between where my mental health was and where I wanted it to be (and thought that it realistically could be). And I'm not saying that all (or even most) of what I've done to try to improve my mental health has actually helped me to achieve my goal (though some of the things that I've tried have been somewhat helpful, in my opinion), but the reason why I tried different mental health treatments to begin with is because I had made it my goal to try to alleviate certain symptoms that were causing me a great deal of impairment and distress. Might it be the case for you that you don't seem to have much of an urge to try different things to bring about improvement in yourself because you haven't specifically decided what it is about yourself that you want to change? Maybe the answer to my question isn't necessarily a "yes," but I thought that I'd ask it in case not having decided exactly what it is about yourself that you'd like to improve upon might be one reason why you're not trying different things that might lead to improvement.

I can relate a lot to what you say in your threads.. I'm really sorry

Hello, Mr. Stranger. You have made what seems to be a conscious choice you can live with. If you wish, you may make a different choice.

Change is difficult. I wish you well.

I'm struggling with change too. I want to change, I want to get "better", but I am almost afraid to. Something that crosses my mind all the time is, "What if I don't like the 'new' me?". What if the best I can be is the loner, anxiety prone, shell that I currently am? I was molded into the person I am today by a legacy of abuse. In general, I'm a pretty good person. Does it really matter that I cannot walk into a building that I've never been in before without scoping it out first? Does it matter that I can't stand someone being behind me? Does it matter that a person getting within my 3 foot zone causes me to go into a defensive mode? Does it matter that when I go to a movie that I have to site on the right side, towards the back in the outside seat, just in case I have to leave? Does it matter that I can't follow a conversation that includes more than one other person? Does it really matter that when I walk into a room of people I feel like all eyes are on me and I can imagine them saying "who is this loser that just walked in the room"? Does it matter that I turned down a golden opportunity at work, the opportunity to develop and deliver training in my area of expertise because the thought of standing in front of a group of people, many who I've worked with on projects and have known for 12 years causes me to panic? Does it matter that I really have no friends, that I don't trust most people, that I have no social group? I have work, and home. That's it. My husband suffers from depression, my daughter has MDD, Bipolar 2 and anxiety. I have CPTSD, probably PTSD, Depression and Anxiety. Yeah it all matters, I just can't seem to do what I need to do to move forward. Yes I'm concentrating on my daughter right now, but let's face it, her PDoc and therapist and her friends are the ones that are really helping her.

So anyway, I don't think you're alone.

Thanks all for your inputs and for sharing your experiences. I agree with you starrysky. I feel this principle at work when I start washing dishes, for example. I detest doing it before I do it, but once I start doing it, it gets easier. I think the reason for that is because I see the positive results of my doing. However, I haven't felt the same with personal change. The more I try, the more difficult and painful it gets for me (may be for others it is different, I don't know). I understand why you are saying what you said, and you are right, I posted this because I am scared and afraid of change, and that's why I don't implement most suggestions and my own knowledge. I know what I have to do, but I cannot do it. Last night when I posted this thread I felt some pain and weakness in my knees, now I have the same feeling. The idea of change and trying scares me and makes anxiety to kick off in me.

Do I know what I want? I know for sure that the life I am living is painful and that I am a failure in life in all of its aspects. I know that I want to get out from this. I have no physical or intellectual constraints to explore my opportunities, but the fear inside me is the main reason why I am avoiding change and trying and keep trying. I give up very quickly. Any setback makes me isolate myself. I know I need to keep trying, but my emotional reactions to failure is so powerful to overcome and process very quickly, and my experiences with change weren't nice.

So, what would happen is that I feel deeply desperate, then I try to change out of desperation, but then I face inevitable setbacks, which throw me back to isolation, until I feel deep desperation again. It is a loop.

I understand that I keep talking the same things over and over, but the fear of trying is crippling. I know this fear is not realistic in the most part, but I don't know how to overcome it. I mean I know I need to test it (I read books on social anxiety and how to overcome it), but I couldn't force myself to try them. I have always feared trying things as far as I can remember. That's why I haven't progressed in my life or tried things. Sometimes I did force myself despite my fear to do certain things, like talking to people, but my anxiety would be too high and obvious to feel comfortable and to hold a conversation, which makes me feel worse than before trying.

One last thing, which is why I keep comparing myself with others. Comparing myself with others gives me an idea where I stand relative to others. When I compare myself with my peers from school, I know I am behind in life (they have stable jobs, families, investments, cars, houses, do trips, .. etc, while I have nothing but my education certificates). When I compare myself with people here, I know my fear of change and trying things isn't common and that I am lacking/missing something. They make me feel bad about myself, but this is because I know I am not where I am supposed to be, and what I have to be doing.

I don't know if these things make sense. Sometimes they don't to me.

hi mr. stranger.
starrysky had it bang on... when we are so used to our old ways... we resist change or find it hard to do all the things that have been suggested to us through books or therapists. i know i have struggled with this all my life and now i am in my mid 40's.. you also say your afraid of change or to try new things.... 2 books i recommend you read if you get a chance.

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyways- Susan Jeffers and Louise Hays " you can heal your life" both of them i have read.

like Star said it takes action before the motivation comes... there are things i don't feel like doing in and once i take the action part than i am glad i did.

please don't compare yourself to other's no 2 humans are alike and you will never be happy that way, you will stay miserable.

start of with small goals that you can accompolish on a daily basis.

good luck you can do this.

Sometimes when we are depressed, we compare ourselves to others to much (I have been there too). This is why I don't post much on FB. However, success is a finicky thing. There are people who have it all and then tragedy strikes. We can change our actions but some circumstances are out of our control. Hopefully, the fact that you are examining the reason for your failures will pay off and you will learn from it. And if it makes you feel any better--sometimes there is a lot of dysfunction going on in families that seem perfect. I don't wish that on anyone but I know a few successful people who are driven because of their insecurities or because of extreme hardship they endured when they were younger. They say that success is not a destination but it is a journey--that is a pretty corny thing to say isn't it? But I do think we are happiest when we are trying to accomplish things everyday and especially when it eventually pays off in some way. So just keep trying?

People have no excuse to complain if they won't make their own effort to change themselves or their place in an unhappy or difficult situation.

They have a responsibility to do so.

And I want to add that some of the successes I have had were only because of the help given to me by others. And when it comes to some of my shortcomings, I don't talk about all of them here--there are some that I am deeply ashamed of. So the fact that you are searching within yourself and trying to change is something that I really like about you. Sometimes we have to sort of give ourselves a "pep talk" prior to taking action. Eventually you will land another job, meet a friend, etc., I just know it. When we have one success, it can build us up and "cure" our depression. From my POV, you are still very young....

Personally, I've been conflicted about this very subject for awhile now and the reason why I am so resistant to change is simple:

I want an easy way out. I don't feel like I should have to struggle and spend years seeking treatment or working through my problems and I would rather take the easy way out. I have a strong aversion towards work unless the reward is good enough to justify the amount of work I put it, in which, I don't see getting better as being worth the amount of work I would have to put in especially since I realize that no matter how hard I try I will never be 100% cured of my "issues".

In short, I am chronically lazy. I would rather hide from my problems than face them. I would rather bury my head in books or play online video games then even try to seek out professional help in the real world or work on my social issues. Why should I have to suffer through years of treatment when I will most likely never be fully rid of my issues? I didn't choose to have a screwed up childhood. I'm the victim here; most other people have it easier than me. I don't need to change; society does. At least, this has been my attitude up to this point.

In fact, it's easier to lie, cheat, and steal to get my basic needs met and I've done them all. I've hurt people, scammed people, and pushed people away who wanted to help me. I've even threatened people and put fear in people as a desperate attempt to hide my insecurities.

So why am I even here or why do I even bother you might ask?

I don't really know. If I would have to guess though, it's because I cling to that tiny sliver of light that remains in my being. I think there is something holding me back from becoming a true monster. Maybe I crave love? Maybe I'm scared of the consequences of my actions? Maybe I think if I delve too far into darkness, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the light?

I honesty don't know anymore.

It sounds like you have not given up and are still trying. As long as we are alive and trying to improve our shortcomings, there is hope that our lives can be better......

Are you suggesting to stop writing about my feelings? Where did I complain or blame anyone other than myself?

I would ignore the prior comment. Post what you want, when you want. I'm always here to "listen".

Thanks all for the replies. You made valid points. Just to be clear I wasn't complaining as some of you thought, I was simply wondering why I am doing this, because it doesn't seem what everyone else is doing. I stated it very clearly that I know what to do, but I cannot do it. I take the complete responsibility for being alone and miserable, and I am not asking anyone to change for me. I asked if it is because I am lazy, stubborn, ... etc, and these are questions and shortcomings about me not others.

I do think because I cannot imagine a better future and outcome and that's why I cannot do it. I see only failures in my attempts, and this sets the fear that either prevents me from trying or sabotages my trying.

Hi Mr. Stranger, I am going to respond in detail later. I just wanted to let you know I'm going to, but am unable to right now. I think that you are motivated to become motivated! I think you are asking good questions too, even though I don't like your 'why' because it's leading to answers that make you feel badly about yourself and which I see untrue. I think...maybe 'why' then, can be a good question actually. Because you ARE trying to understand. I just think, coming to negative conclusions, is not helpful. I'd like to see you ask the question "how can I cultivate hope?" "How can I feel better about myself?" Because those are questions with answers too.

I would say about the same. I can sit here and think of things or see other people doing things I would like to do, but then all the reasons I believe the outcomes would be failures or at least some degree of dismal keep me in my chair. An example would be related to my sidecar rig. Spring has sprung and I can hear other riders on the streets outside, but I already know my only shot at riding along with anyone is to do funeral rides as a Patriot Guard Rider...and I actually do enjoy doing that, but now I can no longer handle most of the distances required for doing so. And so, about the best I can get out of riding today are the looks and waves I get from people in passing cars when they see the novelty of an old man out on a strange-looking sidecar rig.

The way I see it, you DO want change, and you are trying. Yes, maybe you want it to be painless--who wouldn't? You probably have already changed for the positive in some ways? Either in thoughts, feelings, or actions.

Many people go to denial, addictions, or become abusive, etc. when faced with their issues; and, they might choose to stay in those mind frames forever. Now, here YOU are: researching, digging, confronting truths, admitting your feelings, working to determine what is right, trying new tactics of relating to others on these forums. Give yourself credit for being that kind of composed human being. You tried counseling and didn't like it. Now you've found another way by coming here and working through it with a variety of minds. That is resilience. You are resourceful. You moved abroad, and earned degrees. Therefore, you are brave, adventurous, and withstood academic pressure. You are good at public speaking, even. So many people admire that quality. Your traits and accomplishments are enviable, even if you can't see that right now.

It is even more painful to face down fear and grief when we don't believe in ourselves, or think we don't have "what it takes" to go on, to grow. It's imperative to talk kindly about yourself in this process. When you say you fail at everything, that's a myth. That becomes a shortcut to self-punishment. You already feel badly, you need comfort and encouragement, not insults and hate. Just because what you know and how you feel don't line up right now, doesn't mean they never will. Later, you will look back and say, "I was saying all this before, but now I know what it feels like."

If you are mr stranger, who can't engage, because you know you are you're trying to protect yourself from rejection and more self-loathing...you tackle self-loathing. Its internal. Find out which belief is at the root. My mother always said about herself every single time I saw her, "I'm bad." She would describe her behavior as bad, and yet continue to engage in it. Did she like it or not? What was her point in telling me? I don't know the answer because she was never introspective with me. Yet, I adopted her surface expressions. I was judging myself as "good" or "bad" all the time. Now I see that is naive, and it kept me childlike. That self-discipline method never meshed with my intellectual thoughts; I was living in contrary mindsets and feeling frustrated.

Confidence may be elusive, but the concept is there if you remember it. You MUST develop faith in yourself.

I really see working on the self, as a balance between actively working on oneself, and rest. We need to rest. We need to relax and have fun. It is not all work. So don't worry about running out of steam, because you will, and then you can rest. Once I heard this saying: "depression lies.". Its so true i think. When i read it on someone's blog, who was dealing with depression, it resonated so much for me, and empowered me so much. It meant that im not a failure, im not a **** up. It means basically, that having depression makes one prone to thinking thoughts and feeling things that, while real, and painful, are also twisted toward the negative. It happens to me everyday. Anywho, I think it might help you to keep the possibility that your depression lies, in the back of your mind. Even if you might not be able to fully believe it. Mr. Stranger, I do think you could really benefit from 1. Therapy; I think you have said you are afraid to go? If that was you or still is you, I hope you will still consider going. Remember, if you don't like your therapist, you are in control and can find another one. 2. Patience; it can take years to get to a place where things are stellar. I'm not there yet lol. But I have moments, and glimpses of stellar things. I was in the hospital in 2006. I consider that ground 0 because it's when I had a breakdown. I was 23. It took me SO long to grow into the person I am today, and while I'm pretty pleased with myself actually, I'm still working on myself. I'm almost 34 now. I've made so many mistakes and flubs and have learned some hard things in hard ways. I am just trying to say, don't lose hope, and be kind to yourself because I know you want things different and can't see them being different. I believe someday, you are going to be able to say, things aren't so bad, and things are good sometimes too! 3. Visualization; you said you have trouble seeing yourself achieving what you want, and seeing things and yourself different than you are now. I'm learning about visualization, and I'm not very good at it, either. But it's basically like daydreaming.

Do you think you have severe social anxiety? I wonder if that's why it doesn't feel better being in social situations? You have said your mind goes blank, and that's a definite sign of anxiety, like when in conversation. Do you beat yourself up after? Like "I didn't do this right, or that right, I did everything wrong socially and. Conversationally". This is also a sign of social anxiety.

I really think starting SMALL, could be a really good tactic for you. There's an overcoming social anxiety program, there's like 20 CDs, and a whole workbook, and the psychologist who created it, says, for people with serious social anxiety, don't even start with trying to be social. Instead, he gives some exercises to work on thought wise. He says it takes persistence and commitment too. If you think you might be interested, or if you think social anxiety is what you could be dealing with partly, I can give you the name of the workbook and CD program.

I agree with ItsGrowTime, too! Good posting!

Hey starrysky. I have a question: you know my thread wasn't about what do be done, but how to start the process of change. You said motivation comes after work, which I think has a grain of truth in it, but what made you start the process of change? I was thinking about it, and I think the main reason I am not doing things is because I am not hopeful to succeed or I am fearful to fail. I want to change that way of thinking but I need some hope. I mean when I did things, I didn't see the glimpses of hope you talked about to keep me going. Who doesn't want to get better? We all do. I want to. But why is this not an enough reason for some people to change while it is enough for others? I think for me the fear of failure is more powerful than the desire to succeed, but how to make the desire to succeed more powerful? If I was motivated and had a strong desire to succeed, I wouldn't want any help, and probably I won't be here.

This may sound defensive, but the fear of trying is really crippling. I read at least two books on social anxiety (and some videos) and how to overcome it, but I couldn't implement the techniques systematically. I was too scared and not motivated. The problem isn't about motivation only, but also about fear, and the lack of positive feedback. Intellectually, I know I need to try and keep testing my fears, but I just cannot. In the past I was just a small talk away to make something happens, but I didn't do it because I was too afraid, and I regret that, but whole my life I have withheld making initiatives and talks out of fear, which are followed by regrets and more pain.

I hope I didn't bore any of you with my repetitive posts. Thanks all for reading.