Blind leading blind

I can barely take care of myself, and my sister wants me to rescue her.

I think she's jealous of the things she thinks I have that she wants. I need solitude. She wants to see me a lot. I want to be a good person, yet what's good for her is bad for me. I have insight and am a good listener, but I don't have the emotional energy to see her very much.

If I were her, I'd go to support groups and maybe take a class or something to be around people. Her illness makes her think she's better than everyone around her, so why try to meet them.

I need to keep reminding myself that maybe she's growing and things won't always be like this. But sometimes I just want to vent and say this isn't fair and I wish people would leave me alone. Thanks for listening.

Boundaries are a good thing and it may be that you need to set some with your sister that are good for both of you. Too much of a good thing can become a bad thing. You shouldn't feel bad that you can't fullfill ALL of your sisters social needs. You will both enjoy your times together a lot more if its within limits. It's like finding the balance... compromising to the middle.

I have trouble setting boundaries with people and I tend to avoid interacting so that I don't have to push back when they crowd me. I feel guilty for having limits. I don't want to hurt other's feelings.

Truth is most people are okay with boundaries. They'd rather stay within limits so that they can feel more welcomed and valued. And most peoples feelings aren't hurt if we choose alone time over socializing.

Truth is we should all accept boundaries and we all should be accepting of each other limits.

When someone needy pushes on those boundaries it shows just how much more the boundaries need to be held strong for them. No boundary will be acceptable to some people until they know that the boundaries will not change.

Above all else we need the boundaries for ourselves so that we won't recluse. So that we don't give up finding and maintaining the balance between alone time and social time. If pressured to engage in more social time than we are comfortable with then it will cost us in unhealthy ways. If we avoid socializing it will also cost us in unhealthy ways.

I think you were very wise to suggest other social outlets for your sister. It's now her choice what she does with those ideas. Her rejecting them should not alter the boundaries you need for your own wellness. Those are your boundaries for your relationship with her. She doesn't get to set them.... only you can set them. And they need to first feel right for you.

Balance... it always come back to balance. The universal principle for anything one can contemplate.

Excuse me.... I'm in kind of daze tonight. First therapy meeting with a new therapist today. Has me feeling and thinking rather sensibly bordering on some kind of niaive wish that balance was easy to achieve. Just a little light headed and fanciful perhaps.

Hoping for your success with your sister. You need to trust your instincts that are protecting you from crossing into overwhelming situation. You owe yourself that.

I think half the road to recovery is coming to terms with believing you are worthy. You owe yourself a good life. Our illnesses knock that belief out of us sometimes. Our illnesses are magnified by disbelief some times too. We are worthy of treating ourselves well. Boundaries are a sign of wellness if you think about it. They are not a sign of weakness. So says the heart to the head. The spirit to the brain. Have faith, conviction and determination to believe yourself worthy. It's the beginning of real peace and a joy to sshare with others.

Take care....

Doh,

You sound like you are on the right track....listen to what your gut feeling it telling you....it is definitely right.....& if you don't listen to what you are saying here....I can almost bet that you would be real sorry letting your sister ever into your life.

Here is why I feel that way....only it is based on my marriage experience of 32 years (oh why didn't I listen to my gut feeling before I ever got married????) Before I got married, I saw some things I didn't like & thought was a terrible value system. It was all about having things & what could be bought. If he could afford the monthly payments, he didn't care how much more he spent on something by putting it on credit. His grades in college were just getting by....except he claimed to have a very very high IQ & top of his class in high school (well what about college????). He expected to have everything handed to him without putting in any effort......this was all I saw before the marriage!!! Here was the logic for going ahead & getting married: He is growing up....He is only 23 & is still young, so he will definitely grow up & become more responsible (32 years later & it has never happened).

It's 32 years later & I have been unhappy for the 32 years....the only thing that kept us together was pooling our money to get the things we wanted (pooling the money was a huge thing because we were both aerospace engineers) . I had values & ways I knew of acting....when something needed done, it had to be done....when living with him...things would get done when there was money to hire it done....everything came down to the $$$$ & I let myself be taken into that life style. There was fighting all the time. Looking back, I realize that the fighting was because I was angry that I wasn't holding on to my values which I knew inside were right.

The thing is that you know what your sister needs to do to become well & to take care of herslef....but you know she won't do it...You let her into your life & there will be fighing....unless you just keep quiet & accept who & what she is (& that isn't a good thing to do). You know what is good for you, & that isn't the same as what she thinks is good for her. The problem is that when something bad is around you, it is hard to avoid getting into the trap with the bad....for some reason (& I just don't know why) but the bad seems to rule over the good we know to be right inside of ourselves.....if just happens & I hate it. However even if you really are strong enough to stand up against her, there will be fights because it is hard to sit back & watch these things happen without saying something & that usually ends up in a fight. The anoying personality trates like thinking they are better than others will continue to build up & annoy even more as time goes buy.

Listen to your gut feeling....given the choice of living with a person like her or being alone....being alone would always win in my book....because the unhappiness that would come from living with a person like that wouldn't be worth it at all.

Please take care of yourself & do what you know is right,
Debbie

Thanks for both of your insight. I'm also in a difficult marriage. My sister flirts with my husband and flatters him and tells him how wonderful his parents are and how much she likes them. In fact, everything I've shared with her that we struggle with, she's made a point to mention to him, taking his side.

She's not very nice to me. I don't mind seeing her at the holidays, but it exhausts me trying to keep up with her games. She was the hero in our family growing up and I got to be the scapegoat. She's content to keep that going, even though I've spent most of my life in therapy, learning that I'm an ok person.

The fact is, that before her husband left her, she didn't have much time for me.

I guess I need a therapist to validate me. It's hard to commit to spending all that money...again.

It does take time to realize that what & who you are is a wonderful valuable person & that you are right no matter what anyone else tells you. It seems that some people just like to tear other people down & it sounds like if you were in the scapegoat position all your life...that was what was happening to you. That place is hard to get rid of in your life & stick up for who & what you are & believe is right for you.

It is hard to turn off the outside chatter because they don't want to shut up....they have gotten away with it for years & that is the way they are. Sometimes the only way we can get rid of the bad is to completely stay away from it. Sometimes we need to stay away from it for a little while....while we are gaining the strength to know who we are & how important we are in our lives. Sometimes we can go back & let them in bit & piece at a time to see if we are strong enough to handle the situation.....but if we find we cant.....there is nothing wrong with cutting off relationships that hurt us. There isn't anything in this world that is worth putting ourselves through & hurting ourselves....family or friends. The most important thing in life is protecting ourselves first....& our personal relationships second. We need to know that it is ok to do whatever it takes to protect those things around us...& stand strong against those that are tearing us down.

I know this is easier said than done.....but it can be done & the relief we feel once we are there is amazing.

I hope you can separate yourself from your sister.....she sounds like a bad person to have around.....& the thought I have always held it that if the person is someone you would love to have as a good friend & want to have around you....great...otherwise, it doesn't matter how they are related.....if the relationship is bad...get rid of it.....sometimes we just have to protect ourselves.

Prayers for your strength,
Debbie

Great post Debbie!! Very sound and wise advise. It is important that we surround ourselves with people who lift us up and aviod those folks who tear us down.

Like Debbie says.... you need to be your priority. You have to do what is best for you and your sister and others will have to accept you limits and boundaries. You deserve all the love you can give yourself.

You sound like a very special lady who has been short changed alot. When enough is enough its time to give yourself the extra love and support that you've been robbed of up till now.

You are so brave and so strong to be able to look at what is going on and wanting more from your life and your relationships. You will win the prize. You, honouring yourself is the prize.

All the very best to you..... take good care.