[subtle lights]

I didn't know where to post this. Maybe someone can relate, though I'm not sure this will make any sense to anyone because even I don't understand it.

I always end up feeling guilty and horrible after talking to my mother or when I'm there to visit.

She is going out of her way to do everything for me, she is obsessed with doing stuff for me, giving me stuff, making food etc. She "only wants me to be happy". She has never had a hobby or any of her own dreams or plans, she is living her life for me. She is trying to hide it, because I've told her that this is too much for me, then she started almost crying that "I don't understand." But never says more. We never really talk about emotions, she is very fearful, always needs to conform to others' expectations. There is a lot of shame feeling. She calls herself stupid a lot even though I told her it's not healthy. It's like my mother doesn't have a personality, she is merged together with my father.

I feel constantly guilty with her, I can't understand exactly why. Like I am a disappointment, I am mean to her. It's exhausting. I need to live her life or to live a happy life for her. I can't do it anymore. I wish she would have had her own life. I feel suffocated and I don't see any solutions. I have to pretend I'm okay.

I really feel suicidal because of this a lot, but that would devastate her even more so I am just existing because I can't live.
This is hard to explain and I don't uderstand it at all anymore.
I feel that the essence of all this is impossible to express.

I know a lot of people would want to have a mother who is obsessed with you but believe me this is not healthy in this way. I feel guilty now for posting this, I might delete it later. Sorry. Maybe it's my fault, maybe it's just me who is messed up.

[MickeyCheeky]

It's not your fault. Too much of everything is bad. I'm sure you're not alone in this.. Do you see a therapist?

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

It's not your fault. Too much of everything is bad. I'm sure you're not alone in this.. Do you see a therapist?

Thanks.Yes, but I'm not sure it's helping...or it's enough..

[Sunflower123]

You need to live your life and your mother needs to live hers. Maybe a therapist could help you with the wording so you can gently and slowly start untangling from your mother. If your mother is so enmeshed with you that all she does is obsess about you, she needs therapy too. You really need to gently and slowly break free to live your own life. Can you slowly start spacing your calls and visits apart? Best wishes.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

You need to live your life and your mother needs to live hers. Maybe a therapist could help you with the wording so you can gently and slowly start untangling from your mother. If your mother is so enmeshed with you that all she does is obsess about you, she needs therapy too. You really need to gently and slowly break free to live your own life. Best wishes.

Thanks but I don't know if this is possible...I don't see this ever happening, my mother getting therapy...
I feel like I still don't understand this at all, what's happening, it just drives me crazy.
My T said that my mother sounds like playing the role of the victim...it was about another situation, but related...I don't know if this will ever get solved.

Also I don't speak to her very often, she is the one who always contacts me almost. Then of course I feel guilty.

I could have written this...

Do you still live at home?

I live half the country away, but see my mom a lot. It's expected of me

She loves this martyrdom complex she has.....(heavy sigh).

You're not messed up. If you still live with her, you will have your own life, soon. And yes, it will be difficult to (literally) stand up and go home when she bugs you. She may "get it" or she may be oblivious and just feel more self-pity.

The thing is, there comes a time when you have to shift your priorities and put YOURSELF above her. It's a tough thing to do and you might not feel good about doing it. But that's what you have to do for your own mental well-being.

AND.....on the bright side, when (if) you have your own children, you will have learned a valuable lesson from her and will not repeat history.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

I could have written this...

Do you still live at home?

I live half the country away, but see my mom a lot. It's expected of me

She loves this martyrdom complex she has.....(heavy sigh).

You're not messed up. If you still live with her, you will have your own life, soon. And yes, it will be difficult to (literally) stand up and go home when she bugs you. She may "get it" or she may be oblivious and just feel more self-pity.

The thing is, there comes a time when you have to shift your priorities and put YOURSELF above her. It's a tough thing to do and you might not feel good about doing it. But that's what you have to do for your own mental well-being.

AND.....on the bright side, when (if) you have your own children, you will have learned a valuable lesson from her and will not repeat history.

Excellent advice.

[Unrigged64072835]

My mother tried to wrap herself in my world, but after spending time on my own in the military I moved away from her physically or emotionally. It wasn't until she was dying from cancer that I saw her. She wanted to get away from my dad and was using me as a crutch.

She's gone now and so is my father. I seem to have more peace now.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

I could have written this...

Do you still live at home?

I live half the country away, but see my mom a lot. It's expected of me

She loves this martyrdom complex she has.....(heavy sigh).

You're not messed up. If you still live with her, you will have your own life, soon. And yes, it will be difficult to (literally) stand up and go home when she bugs you. She may "get it" or she may be oblivious and just feel more self-pity.

The thing is, there comes a time when you have to shift your priorities and put YOURSELF above her. It's a tough thing to do and you might not feel good about doing it. But that's what you have to do for your own mental well-being.

AND.....on the bright side, when (if) you have your own children, you will have learned a valuable lesson from her and will not repeat history.

Thanks. I live in another country, far from her. Thing is that I cannot wrap my head around this because she's never told me what to do, who to be. It's like, I can do whatever I want and she says she supports me. She just wants me to be happy and to not make the mistakes she made (whichever those would be, she only said this once )..But I feel like I'm tied to her with an invisible rope, I cannot have my own life. She's always been full of secrets, both my parents, as I said, we don't talk about emotions, emotions are shameful...So it feels impossible for me to talk to her honestly. But all this pretending is more than I can take anymore...
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense...

[MatBell]

I have had it with my grandmom playing the victim and being overly dramatic. If I don't call her back immediately after she's called I will hear for it forever. She's so high strung. Now I don't really have contact with my grandmom and that's okay. Just wanted to share it with you.

[subtle lights]

The thing is, I've never had a close relationship (emotionally speaking) with my mother and could never feel love through her constant anxiety. But guess who also has got constant anxiety now...Anyway, I don't want to play the blame-game, it just hurts...
Sometimes I have these fantasies of a mother who is supportive, who I can rely on and who is there as her own distinct personality...Then I feel guilty

Sorry...I missed the part about going to visit her.

Maybe she's overcompensating when she does see you? I know that my mom does. And she wants to know all my business, not because of concern, but because she's a busybody.

I keep my own business to myself. Including my health issues. She tells everybody everything.

I have adult children, so I understand the pain when they fly out of the nest, but it has to happen.

I guess I see both sides, but (from the mom's side) it's only right to NOT let your kids know how much you miss them....you shouldn't give them that guilt. And from the daughter's side, don't let her stuff become your stuff. You're doing well and (logically) have nothing to feel guilty about. Easier said than done, I know.

How to get your mom to stop mothering you? Wish I had a good answer for you. Being firm with her is the only suggestion I have, but (honestly) it's a daily battle for me, too.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

It sounds as if your mom has her own mental health problems. One in which one of the symptoms is a lack of self-identity and therefore she will look to others to define it for her. There are a few like this, one that I deal with is BPD but she may deal with something else. No matter what it is though, it is not your responsibility to take care of her and that is what you end up doing by allowing her to use you to identify her self image. If your mom is not already seeing a therapist, I would suggest you lovingly recommend it to her. You, should focus on you and your life. It's only by doing that both of you will perhaps be able to lead happy and healthy lives. No matter how happy your mom may claim she is, it is hard to live through someone else, and never truly satisfying, therefore she can never be truly happy. You, will never be truly happy trying to do things you believe will cause her to feel happiness. Both of you will only have a chance at true happiness when you both have your own lives. Love each other, spend time with each other, but be your own person.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I resented it when people I was close to started doing this at first, but I have come to understand we all needed it and how much we all needed it. So, your relationship with your mom may get strained at first, be prepared. May even be strained for a few years, but in the end - you will find you are happier and that's what matters.

Good luck!

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

It sounds as if your mom has her own mental health problems. One in which one of the symptoms is a lack of self-identity and therefore she will look to others to define it for her. There are a few like this, one that I deal with is BPD but she may deal with something else. No matter what it is though, it is not your responsibility to take care of her and that is what you end up doing by allowing her to use you to identify her self image. If your mom is not already seeing a therapist, I would suggest you lovingly recommend it to her. You, should focus on you and your life. It's only by doing that both of you will perhaps be able to lead happy and healthy lives. No matter how happy your mom may claim she is, it is hard to live through someone else, and never truly satisfying, therefore she can never be truly happy. You, will never be truly happy trying to do things you believe will cause her to feel happiness. Both of you will only have a chance at true happiness when you both have your own lives. Love each other, spend time with each other, but be your own person.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I resented it when people I was close to started doing this at first, but I have come to understand we all needed it and how much we all needed it. So, your relationship with your mom may get strained at first, be prepared. May even be strained for a few years, but in the end - you will find you are happier and that's what matters.

Good luck!

My mother is more on the dependent side, but I think she would never admit she's got mental health issues...I am supposed to be the "identified patient" in the family. But that also only partially, superficially, she doesn't know about most of my issues, only depression, which is visible and obvious...

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I was seen as dependent too ... but either way it comes down to the same thing - she is depending on you for her happiness and yet that is impossible to obtain bc you can never be truly happy "through" another person...and it is draining to you.

[Sunflower123]

Did I read somewhere in this post that you live a distance from your mother? If so, how far are we talking?

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Did I read somewhere in this post that you live a distance from your mother? If so, how far are we talking?

About 600 km. Quite far. It helps but lately I feel the pretending and suppressing my thoughts more and more disturbing. I know it sounds easy, "just do it". But in reality it's not easy at all when you lived your whole life censoring parts of you. It's like there is a wall of shame I can't cross.

In the same time it's very painful for me to hurt her (even if I'm doing it already with my impulsive remarks when I can't take it anyore and I snap). If she was mean to me or something it would be easy to not feel guilty but like this, it's only me who is mean.

I know it's hard to understand. I'm sorry, I think I'll stop writing about this.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

You aren't being mean. Everyone has a right to express themselves, and keeping it in can cause pain especially if you allow it to pile up. Please only stop posting when you feel comfortable not anything else. This post is to help you, not others- if you stop posting before you feel comfortable, you push away any possible help. I don't know if I am helping you in the correct way - but if I am not perhaps by continuing to talk someone else will see this or maybe I will understand the way(s) I am misjudging how to help you and try to correct it. Please allow yourself to receive help. ❤

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

You aren't being mean. Everyone has a right to express themselves, and keeping it in can cause pain especially if you allow it to pile up. Please only stop posting when you feel comfortable not anything else. This post is to help you, not others- if you stop posting before you feel comfortable, you push away any possible help. I don't know if I am helping you in the correct way - but if I am not perhaps by continuing to talk someone else will see this or maybe I will understand the way(s) I am misjudging how to help you and try to correct it. Please allow yourself to receive help. ❤

Thank you so much for this

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

Thank you so much for this

You're welcome ❤*hugs*

Sometimes I misunderstand things and really can have a hard time even understanding that I have truly misunderstood you. When that happens, generally either me or the person I am trying to help becomes frustrated and leaves. That never helps .. and generally just makes things worse for both sides.

I hope you won't give up ❤