[Rapunzel]

It's almost 1 p.m. here, and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet. Every week I think I'm going to get up early on Saturday and get things done. I have loaded pear trees and was going to do some canning. I feel bad about missing most of the apricots, and only getting 3 batches of plum jam done, and most of the apples aren't that great, but I want to try to make some applesauce anyway.

But I always get off on the wrong foot on Saturdays lately (or don't get started at all). I won't even have any free Saturdays next month as I go to therapy every other week, and the other 2 Saturdays I have to work.

Today it's raining hard, mixed with snow. T is away at a conference, not that I'm allowed to contact her anyway, or that it would do any good. Even if I had an appointment today I'd be too useless to accomplish anything.

I'm taking a family, couple, and child counseling class, and it makes it more clear what was wrong with my family. I asked my husband to read one of the books I had finished, and he finished reading it and started talking about it this morning. The book emphasizes individuation, and letting each member of a family be a whole person. DH said it goes against everything that he ever believed or was taught. He thinks we are supposed to lean on each other and be the world to each other. My lifelong struggle has been to be allowed to be an individual, because it was never acceptable. I wasn't allowed in my family to develop or express my own personality, opinions, etc., and I learned that I was not good at anything because someone else is always better, so I shouldn't try. DH has encouraged me to have hobbies and to learn, but then he seems to resent all that he gives up to give me opportunities, and I never asked him to give anything up. His measure of being cared about (he has told me before) is how much someone is willing to sacrifice or inconvenience themselves to help someone else. So he resents that I can't give up my identity to support him, like he has tried to do for me. I never even had an identity to sacrifice, and I guess I'm too selfish to make that sacrifice.

I don't know how to be good enough.

Rap

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Rap )))))))))))))))

From another person who isn't "good enough"

But I think you're good enough!....

You aren't intrinsically "useless", "selfish" or any of the devaluing names you call yourself.

What would you say to me if I posted this?......

[Rapunzel]

Thanks, Fuzzy. You have always been "good enough" as far as I am concerned.

[(JD)]

Well, if it's any consolation, I didn't get out of bed officially til 1 pm either! Saturdays are for sleeping in (of course, the only thing I have to sleep in from is PT and T.)

In the scope of world events, you are doing wonderfully!

I'm sorry your spouse didn't get it. It's good that he understands where you are coming from, whether he will validate it or not, at least he read the book and isn't ignorant now.

Self-actualization, independance, and self-reliance are key items for a well-balanced person. It's also key for good marriages. When we marry because we are already complete people wanting accentuation, it works. It's when we marry for the other person to complete us, or allow us to utilize more of what we need and want through them, that it's dicey, imo.

As you probably know, people who NEED to be married to feel complete (even though they are rarely happy that way) often feel threatened by their spouses who are finding themselves. Your realization of what you need as an individual may spur a divorce, imo. It won't be the cause of a divorce, mind you, that issue if there at all, probably was in the making before the marriage.



Just my POV folks

PS Sleeping in is NOT a waste of a good Saturday, imo.

[nowheretorun]

hey rapunzel

taking this opportunity to say hi!, it's been awhile, glad to see you are still coming here though maybe you'd rather not be, i dunno...

but about your post just wanted to say this:

born alone, die alone... sacrifice for others, but don't sacrifice the self...

you are smart, smarter than me, and wise as well.. i think if you can be true to yourself then all else falls in line...

situations change and sometimes changing situations affect others around us and sometimes it is more than they can bear... then we find ourselves in new situations... i hope your situation doesn't change so much that you find yourself without anything at all familiar around you... but even if it did, i believe you have what it takes to pick up the pieces...

hard to pick fruit in the snow isn't it?

not rubbing it in, but pleasant here today in Colorado. Fall is definatelty in the air though...

best to you dear...

[Rapunzel]

Ah, but looking at my to do list, left over from the last day I was off work (Wednesday - didn't get very far then either) is depressing.

I have this habit of saying what I need or want, and then once it's said I try to make myself go along with what somebody else wants regardless. Sometimes I don't do too well at that either.

Is it too late, after 17 years, to change the rules and say that all this time what I have really needed was independence? And then probably complain about not getting help with things that I can't do independently, as I have alwo been known to do. That was the other thing he said about the book (The Family Crucible). He thought it was saying families shouldn't help each other or need each other. It did say that family members can't be each others' therapists, or try to fix each other, but that's different. I think there is a balance somewhere that allows for individuation and autonomy, but also allows for caring and helping in a non-smothering way. I think that healthy people can stand on their own and still be in relationships.

[Rapunzel]

Hi Nowhere! Long time no see. Where have you been? I have thought about you, and wondered what you were up to. How are things going in your world? Should we blow this storm over your direction a bit?

Actually, I sent DH out to buy a ladder this morning, but he says I can't climb an aluminum ladder outside in a storm. I shall have to content myself with changing the light bulbs in the entry way (if I get out of bed, that is). Or maybe I could send DH on another errand...

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

[biiv]

((((((((((((((((((rapunzel)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((((((((( biiv ))))))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

Okay, I need somebody to give me a kick and tell me to go do something. I did just find a home for my behavior-disordered guanaco though. Staying in bed doesn't have to be entirely non-productive with portable computers and phones.

[nowheretorun]

"Hi Nowhere! Long time no see. Where have you been?"

Mostly i've just been here in colorado but took some travelling time to find out if it was true that a person could find himself out on the road... appears it worked out well...

"...wondered what you were up to."

oh God, I've forgotten more than i remember... but it had a good outcome so far... i do propane right now...

"How are things going in your world? "

well rapunzel, really well... thank you

"Should we blow this storm over your direction a bit?"

no, no, nooooooooooooo!!!!!

Good to see you again

[lenjan]

(((((((((Rap))))))) I got you beat -- it's about 4:45 pm and I just got out of bed....I didn't go to bed till after 1 a.m., but I had such big plans for today. Then I woke up, saw it was pouring rain and cold, and said the heck with it. I've been up briefly a few times, but always end up back in bed.

You are not a bad person for wanting to be independent. As someone who tends to go too far the other way, though, it's not any fun over here either. There must be a middle ground for us both. Let me know if you find it.

Love, Candy

[Doh2007]

I envy you your cold weather and full fruit trees.

Best wishes - doh

[(JD)]

I would fire whomever makes your "to do" lists. What's up with them if they make you feel bad?

Wish lists are ok, if you keep them that way... good if you get something, neutral if not.

Hey, I was on PC (with only 3 others) till maybe 5 or 6 am! What does it matter WHY we stayed in bed? It's being an adult and knowing we can change our minds, review the payoffs and results for decisions, live with our decisions.

I sure hope for cooler weather sooner (keep storms away too.) We've had no hurricanes this year so far.

[AnimalLover]

I read the Family Crucible (still have it) in school in the 80s. It was the catalyst for me to change how I related to my family of origin. It remains an extremely meaningful book to me.

I don't believe it's ever too late to make changes. I like the concept of inter-dependence. To me it means we can survive without each other, but things go more easily if we can work together.

The most significant thing I recall from the book is the family dance. If one person changes her steps, it affects the entire dance - which can be a very good thing sometimes, but can be unsettling or anxiety provoking, too.

I remember reading it the first time and it made me very uncomfortable; scared of changes that someone else (or even I) might make. So I can understand your husband's focus. It took me awhile to really see the whole picture and not view someone else's changes as a threat to myself or my relationship - or even my world.

I thought the family in the book ended up with the parents facing their own issues and working on them, which ended up making their relationship better since they were there more by choice than by obligation. Plus it freed the kids from the unproductive cycle. I thought the message was that the more whole each individual person is, the healthier, better, more fun, whatever, the entire relationship will be. Or maybe that's the way I wanted it to turn out...like I said, it's been awhile.

As for having a wasted day, I have had plenty myself and it's really aggravating. But I'd say even if you didn't get anything on your list done, you posted here, and I got to remember the book again! So thank you for posting.

Mary

[seeker1950]

Well, Rapunzel...I'm right there with you. I kept telling myself I'd get a lot done today, but did absolutely nothing until around 5 this evening. I dragged myself outside and worked on grouting my tile porch...but most of the day was spent on the sofa watching mindless tv. Sometimes we just need down time.
Your fruit trees sound lovely, but picking and canning is damn hard work...and if it was rain/snow there, you were wise to take the time for yourself!
Love
Patty

[AnimalLover]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:
I would fire whomever makes your "to do" lists. What's up with them if they make you feel bad?


Good idea! Let's get rid of my 'to do' list maker, too!
Mary

[(JD)]

I had to learn the hard way that, yes, there will always be things that need to be done, and some other things that I just want to do, and that is all part of life. It's the process of life, this "dance" that was alluded to... including whether we get those things done, or if other things enter and interfere with our plans.

Plans don't make it neccessary nor do they make things necessarily so.

With my chronic pain, I can easily have two weeks worth of "life" go into managing the pain. This, too, is part of life.

Sleeping in on a Saturday when (of course!) there are other things to do, is a natural part of life. There isn't "life" things and then "sleeping in bed" things. It's all life. ALL of it.

Don't do away with the list maker... redefine it's role.
Just my pov.

TC

I have the opposite problem. I can't stay in bed past 7 or 8.... I mean, I'm sure it's partly because I'm so used to getting up early during the week, but I have such restless nights of sleep that I absolutely can't wait to get out of the bed in the morning. However, I am often not motivated to do anything. I have found that what helps is that when I step out of bed I go directly into the shower. It really helps to get me going. This morning I actually woke up crying because I knew it was my 1st day to start Lithium and I was depressed and scared. I took the med and went straight into the shower.... before I knew it, I had cleaned the downstairs of the house. I pooped out after that and have yet to touch the upstairs. I have had my share of "wasted Saturdays" and Sundays, too.... still do. But I have found the immediate shower thing to be really helpful.

[WinterRose]

I got school work done today - a little grueling. Then I lost all speed. I'm feeling low and maybe drained or resentful.

You sound like your emotions are in a better place than mine. Sometimes we need a lie in.

I've gotten bad about the list maker. I only allow things I want to do on the list most of the time and ignore the ones I should do. So I still need to vacuum my house.

I think in order for there to be synergy each person in a relationship or system needs to be whole. Then 1+1=10 instead of the times when we aren't and 1+1= -3.

[DocClyde]

(((RAP)))

I for one, always think you are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay above good enough

I got up semi-early myself (9), but still feel like I didnt do anything...

[ECHOES]

As my T says, "You're right where you need to be at the moment." So, let it happen. Your Saturday's aren't being wasted, they're happneing and you're learning from them. You're learning that you wish to be up earlier and have more energy and accomplish more. There are plenty more Saturdays to do those things.

You posted today, put your thoughts and feelings to words. That's accomplishment!

hugs

[Sabrina]

I am usually running around like mad, preparing things for my husbands weekly Saturday sporting event that I support him at and help out with but when I don't go, I reserve my Saturdays to lie in bed and read the paper and my book. Just took me a long long time not to feel guilty about doing that.

I agree that you are not wasting your Saturdays at all.

[Rapunzel]

Thanks everyone. I just read through all your replies, and I feel better now. I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower barely in time to meet my ride at 4:15 to a meeting (you can watch the meeting if you want - the General Relief Society Meeting at http://www.lds.org/broadcast/grsm/0,6220,285-1-41-1281,00.html ) I was up in the highest balcony so the speakers looked like ants, but they have big projection screens so we could see that way. It did feel better to get out and do something. It always does, even in icky weather.

I ought to pay attention to a saying from my Norwegian heritage: "Det finnes ikke dårlig vær, bare dårlige klær." There is no bad weather, only bad clothes. But I still struggle with weather, even though I knit and have weather-appropriate clothes.

As for the to-do list maker, well, every time I went to cross off something I think I added about three more things.

I wish that I had time to reply to each of you individually, but I don't have the option of staying in bed today, and I have to get moving. I do want to thank each of you for your support and encouragement, and for helping me not too feel so bad. It also helped that the ladies I rode with also talked about the canning they had not gotten done this summer, so maybe I'm not doing as bad as I thought. I just wanted to do better, and come February, I'll wish that I had that fruit. Maybe next year?

Rap

[(JD)]

(BTW Link didn't work.)

Well, Rap, you do your best and it's all in God's hands anyway. Perhaps someone you don't even know yet is having an abundance of canning, and will share with you in Feb?