[biiv]

you know what? excuse the language in this post and thank god for filters but parents %#@&#! suck. my mother is in the city for the night and said she didnt want to meet me because shes too tired. i ring her at 9.15pm to see if shes arrived and she tells me shes just checking in and sounds awful. i ask if shes ok and she says she ll ring back in 20 minutes. i tell her im walking past her hotel on my way home now and she says she ll ring in 20 minutes. i walk in the door at home (which is directly behind the hotel) and my father rings from my home town. wants to know where my mother is. wants to know if we ve met. if we re meeting. where am i. where was i. i tell him we re not. has he heard from mum? yes. she was in a pub. when she picked up the phone she told someone across from her 'not a word' and then refused to tell my father who she was with.
i refuse to think shes having another affair because she promised she wouldnt. i gather maybe shes meeting with one of her friends to talk about how to leave my father. which is great. except that it sucks. but what really hurts isnt her leaving him (maybe) or him putting me in the middle like that but she lied to me. why wouldnt she just say she was meeting someone? to me i mean. she had me so worried and upset i walked the whole way round the hotel to see if i could see her in the lobby or bar or see her car. i found the car in the second car park so i knew at least she hadnt had an accident driving up. she had me thinking someone was sick or hurt.
parents %#@&#! suck. i do not need this.
im anxious
jumpy
on the verge of tears
so depressed
exhausted
spacey
in pain
crushed
scared
ALONE

[biiv]

im sorry but i have to add %#@&#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mum just rang. she was getting tiddly eyed in a pub by herself. now shes just been crying down the phone about how sick of all this she is. like im %#@&#! not!! and then she asks me if she should ring dad and yell at him.

i sound just like her but i cant cope with this. why the hell do i have to be the bloody adult when im falling apart myself???
oh and i should add she yelled at me for suggesting to dad that maybe the person he thought she was with was this gay male friend of hers because hes completely jealous of this friend. he doesnt believe in gayness as far as i can tell. and i should know having paid a certain amount of attention to his attitudes on this given that im gay myself. but it was either suggest she was with him or with a straight male friend she has or with a %#@&#! lawyer talking about divorce so i went for the lesser of the evils.
im sorry. please. i wish someone could help me. i know im not thinking straight. im sorry im such a freak.

[nowheretorun]

(((((((biiv)))))))

you're right, it's not on you to be the adult in this situation for them... how about for yourself? Can you get to a place, take some deep breathes, let some time pass, collect yourself and next meeting with them act completely detached to their mess? i mean i know obviously you're involved, but, your own point was it's their problem to deal with isn't it? if anything they should be protecting you from all this, shouldn't they? if they don't have concern for you, and hey, i bet their are max stressed, it seems like a good idea to give yourself some kinder attention...

praying for you...

[Perna]

It is so hard to be in the middle! One of my brothers is an alcoholic and when he was having problems decided my parents were angry at him so both he and my parents used me to find out about the other, like I knew! As you point out, we have enough trouble with ourselves and don't need other people's, especially our parents (and older siblings :-) problems!

I would tell your parents to talk to each other, not you. If she arrived at the hotel/was checking in and didn't want to see you I would have said, "bye" and not let her call me later and not have told my father anything other than "call her the %#@&#! yourself!" :-)

I wouldn't speculate who she is in the bar with (or where she is) and why; if your father wants to do that, fine, but if you can't be there and see/know for sure, you can drive yourself crazier with your imagination making stuff up.

[biiv]

thanks nowheretorun. i am as detached from their mess as i can be i think. my mum relies on me a bit and usually i can tell her when i cant take it but she just sounded so bad and scared me tonight. i guess the above was just a bit of a vent because im so frazzled and upset myself its just hitting me harder. and i really thought something was really wrong. i got quite a fright. i have to try to get some sleep now i think. not thinking straight.
thanks for the hugs.

[biiv]

thanks perna. im sick trying to tell either of them anything at this stage. usually i have patience with mum but tonight i just dont have it in me. i really really wanted to see her this evening since ive been feeling so bad myself and seeing her usually helps so im really hurt and upset that she didnt want to see me. maybe when i feel better myself i ll understand why.
you re right though. i shouldnt have said anything to dad. hes just such a manipulative prick. i have to be so careful what i say to him all the time. i screwed up tonight and probably made things worse between them.
i choose to believe her when she says she was on her own in the bar. if she wasnt then she ll tell me when she can. but i choose to believe there was no one else there. its just that that worries me no end too. i love my mum so much it hurts terribly to see her in pain. it scares me too when shes not in control. i need her to be in control for me (i know i know im supposed to be an adult and be done needing my mother). i find myself a lot recently trying to be the one in control for her.
i need to try to sleep. if i can get a decent sleep tonight maybe i can lessen this extreme anxiety ive been having since last night. i really need to get a grip. i need a break. i need a hug from my mum.