[sandyb]

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I am a 41year old female who has been questioning my life and how I was raised. During my entire childhood (up until I was around 18), my mom was in a major depression (on the couch, crying, attempted suicide-unknown the me until I was an adult, etc.) My mother also never left the house unless my dad or her mom was with her... she says that she was agoraphobic. (sorry if I am misspelling the terms). My mom lost my sister when she was 18 months old on January 28, 1963 (the baby was sick and died in the hospital)... I was born on February 28, 1963 to grieving parents. My mom was never taken to a professional. My dad's way of dealing was to tell me not to bother mom with any of my problems and not to be a problem. My dad would buy car parts etc., let me know about it and tell me not to tell mom because "we" don't want to upset her. I feel now that my relationship with dad was like an emotional incest because he treated me like the wife and parent and my mom like the child. FYI-I am an only child too.

I felt bad all through childhood. My mom has not been in depression for years now (she never did get help) and she can go a few places that she feels comfortable. I was feeling pretty on top of things as an adult living my own life (I knew my childhood was messed-up, but for the longest time, I thought that it wasn't that bad). However, my dad died April 2003 and my 62 year old mom moved in with my husband, my 16 year old son, and me. I have had to show her how to write a check, put gas in a car, etc., because my dad, up until the day he died did all of those things and my mom wasn't really interested in these type of things. I know that my mom will live with us for the rest of her life because she has no money, has never worked, and is very dependent.

That was a long prelude to ask this, would I be considered an adult child of a mentally ill parent(s)? Now that my mom has moved in, I feel like I've gone into red alert...I might need to seek professional help to control feelings of being unworthy of good things in my life (I realized I was raised to feel bad or selfish in expressing my needs or having them met). I talk to my mom all the time about childhood and she appears to agree that I was "neglected" a bit, but I can tell that she cannot take much responsibility for it because she was depressed/phobic, etc.

Thanks for reading this and offering any words of advise.

[dexter]

Hi sandyb and welcome to the forums here.

It does sound like your mom could use professional help... I don't think it is ever too late to start, but although you can encourage it, whether she does or does not get help will be up to her and is not your responsibility.

You don't need any justification to believe this all sits rather heavily on your shoulders. On the plus side I think it is great that you recognize your mother's problem, recognize how it has effected you, and recognize the problems that may arise now that she is alone and living with you.

Don't wait to get professional help for yourself! It definitely sounds as if you will benefit from it and you certainly deserve it. As I said concerning your mom, it is never too late to get help and I think it is great that you are considering this when you are worried about the additional stress rather than waiting until things overload.

Check back if you need advice on finding someone or getting the help you need. You will also find these forums a great place for understanding and support. There is a "Caregiver's Support" forum here that may be of help regarding caring for your mother and the "Depression" forum may help understand your mom's depression in addition to the things you are dealing with. Read and post anywhere you feel comfortable doing so, and I hope you find the members here as helpful and friendly as I have.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[sandyb]

Thanks dexter. I need help with all of this and I want to keep it on the down low since my mom lives with me and knows where I am and what I'm doing 24/7. I mentioned wanting to see a therapist and my mom said, is it because of me?....I don't want to go through anymore stuff than I need to, so seeking advise here seems the best option for me right now. I've mentioned to my mom that maybe she should talk to someone about her grief, life, etc. but she gets mad, defensive, and basically claims that she doesn't want the stigma of seeking professional help. So I have to focus on me in this arena.

[(JD)]

Welcome.

Don't mind me, I'm quite depressed myself...

However, your mom should have some money, especially at her age, since your dad worked... she should be getting at least half of what he would be getting in social security income. (Someone will correct me if I'm wrong...)

Try not to let your mom in on everything going on in your life... that includes therapy! But she is also entitled to medicare/aid or probably even better is a private HMO like Humana or whatever (still no charge and better coverage) that way she gets her medical care dirt cheap and can also receive therapy...

I don't know what to call who can advise you in CA about these matters... we have numbers in the phone book listed her for State help information...

I'll try to be more helpful in the future... come back and post often.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[sandyb]

Thanks Skybark, my mom does receive widow social security benefits which is a super small amount..dad was self employed and probably didn't pay in much over the years, but she will not qualify for other benefits until she reaches 65. Assisting my mom monetarily doesn't bother me too much, I do wish she would have enough to have her own place, but she's not ready for that yet. I am trying to keep better boundaries with mom and our personal business, but it is a daily struggle. My husband and I have started walking for an hour four nights a week so we can talk in private then and that has helped much (at first there was guilt with not taking mom, because she and I used to walk together when she lived at my grandma's).

[(JD)]

Ok that sounds good. There still might be some help in how to train her in those basic skills... I just can't think right now WHO knows that stuff... (brain/head injury myself...)

yeah the long walks are kewl. You gotta keep some things private.(You might even take wine, cheese and a blanket?)

THe guilt trips might become worse but don't let them. If she really does act some like a child, that may be the only way she knows to get what she thinks she wants, and you might have to teach her a better (adult)way of that too.

It might be to plan for her to move out when she reaches 65. Unfortunately your child will also be old enough to leave... and you willhave missed some rich years... maybe...

I am the youngest of 6 siblings yet no one else lives nearby so, even though I cannot take care of myself very well (well, good enough) they "let " me keep watch over my 84 yr old mother. She lives by herself (because it would be impossible for her to live with anyone!)

There is also a caregiver's forum on this board... I'm sure there will be better answers for you there too...



<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[dexter]

This won't be a very helpful observation... but she is worried that her depression is effecting you, and yet doesn't want the stigma of seeking help? Better that she and you suffer from an illness that is treatable?

OK That's just me blowing off a little steam. Likely her "because of me" comment was more to make you feel guilty than sincere concern.

She won't get any help until she herself is ready to (if ever) but if she "softens" to the idea you can let her know that it would be private and you would like to see her feeling better and wouldn't think bad of her for getting treatment. And the truth is it does effect you too.

But don't let anything she says or does... guilt trip, labeling it a bad idea, whatever, keep you from getting help for yourself.

It does sound like you know you want and need some help.

I hope you can establish some boundries of privacy... that's important not even counting having a means to talk about this subject... just in general you and your husband will need to be able to have privacy. Does she use the computer? You can always password protect if she does, and thankfully the internet gives an option for some connection to people without overheard voices or things.

You may also try to find a support group in your area... a group for depression or a group for caregivers or whatever. It helps to have real contact with real people who understand. Your mom doesn't have to know, tell her you're taking a weekly pottery class or something (and then stop at Pottery Barn every few weeks and pick up the "pot you have been working on" )

How does your husband feel about all this? Is he supportive of you and of the idea of therapy? It will be great to have his support and help, for having someone nearby who understands and also someone who could help run "interference" for you.

Good luck.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[sandyb]

Hi Dexter, my mom is no longer suffering from depression. She was grieved when my dad died, but it was "normal." Most of her issues have been resolved over the years and really what I am dealing with now is that I realize the older I get how messed up things were when I was growing up and that I need to pay careful attention to what I do now so that I get my needs met and to fight against guilt feelings when I'm doing what is right for me (guilt is the way I am controlled in general and that is going to stop because it is up to me to stop allowing it to control me). My husband is very supportive and actually because he was not raised in my dynamics, he brings a fresh look at the way things are. He is loving to my mom and he has been the one to say that we need to keep appropriate relationship boundaries, especially since mom lives with us.

[dexter]

sandy it sounds like you are in a good position... not that there aren't problems but that you shouldn't have any reluctance to getting help for your problems. With a supportive and understanding husband I think you and he together will be able to find solutions. And like I said earlier the best part of all is that you recognize that there are problems and want to improve the quality of your life rather than just accepting the status quo.

Good luck and I hope you will keep posting here with questions and about problems and progress.

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--http://www.idexter.com