Can We Talk About This? (It's the Season)

Thanks RDGrad. You definitely understand.

My husband's work just announced a Christmas get-together at a restaurant at a mall on December 22nd. He tried to suggest they move it into January because going to a mall a few days before Christmas is chaos. Just finding a parking space is a challenge. No one else wants to change it, so he is considering not going. It just sounds too stressful. We try to avoid most malls/stores that time of year.

Yeah I hate going to to stores during the holidays, that's why I do most shopping online and I already finished buying stuff so I don't have to worry about the crowds. January would be the perfect time to have a holiday get together, some people are very stuck in their ways and don't want to move it no matter what. Even though it may be sort of late, I know one place that actually had a holiday related get together in February once things really died down. January and February are known for being very boring and dull so that time frame is perfect for any kind of get togethers and shopping, in fact January is actually considered the best time to buy stuff since there happens to be lots of sales right after the holidays but naturally most people don't want to be bothered because by that point people have moved on and are probably either looking forward to Valentine's Day or Spring.

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Thankfully Led Zeppelin never cut a Christmas album.

Oh Beth just imagining this cracks me up!

On my mum’s side of the family the family get to gather was the weekend after Christmas. Everyone bought their gifts at the half off after Christmas bargains. But that was back in the 60’s and 70’s it didn’t seem like the mad house it is today. Black Friday wasn’t such a huge mess either. After the 80’s things tapered off. Now there no big family get to get hers as everyone is stretched out across the states. I look at photos of those times amazed. The smoking! The dangers!

My pain is that I used to love this season. I won't go into it before I was an adult with my own family because that gets long. So, I'm referring to the time before older family members hadn't died and my husband and children were together. My mother, daughter, and son would visit the crowded mall, or only my daughter and I would shop together. It was so exciting! We'd go many times during the season and it was a great, big party. Even the challenge of parking was fun. We'd listen to music on the car radio while cruising around the lot searching for a parking space - I had a no-fail method. When my mom was with us she'd take us to lunch at a nice restaurant in an upscale store in the mall. The kids behaved so nicely, everybody felt fancy for the holiday season.

My family and I celebrated Hanukkah, which was absolutely delightful. I kept Hanukkah toward spirituality, not nearly as materialistic as Christmas. But I also made sure it was fun. Lighting the menorahs together, reading stories, singing, and small gifts. 7 nights of little "necessaries," a few pairs of socks, some gelt (token amount of money; in those days a $5 or $10 bill), a pack of batteries needed for toys. On the 8th and last night of Hanukkah there would be a somewhat larger, special gift...a small coveted toy or fashion accessory, but nothing major.

Christmas was meh for me; I looked upon it as a holiday for the children to spend with David's family, so that was good.

Anyway, all in all, I loved the hustle and bustle and joy, music, and lights of the holidays. I took great pleasure in decorating our porch every year.

My problem came when the children grew up, David and I haven't lived together for many years, and I spend the holidays alone. Most of my family, and David's have died. I don't dare enter a store (except a grocery) because to do so would bring up memories that remind me again of how isolated I am...the grief, how things have changed. So all I can think of doing is withdrawing and waiting until the agony of the season is over. I do light my menorah because it brings me a sense of spirituality and beauty. I hang a strand of Christmas lights in my apartment because they are cheery; I'll probably leave them up for months. I do my best to have gratitude for what I had. The saddest and, it seems to me, most unfair part of it all, is that it looks like I won't be having a grandchild to share a holiday with, a child to stand by my side, eyes wide, as we light the menorah together. I spend the season crying about that, it feels like a curse.

I haven't read all this thread (in fact I've hardly read any of it yet, have not been around much... so please forgive the reply ''only'' sending hugs. Those who know me know I often have plenty to say

I do not fit into the box the Foul Family of Origin (and probably some foul others) tried to put me into

'very quiet person and a bad person''

NOPE NO NO NO

Much love to Beth and to all

I don't like the Eagles Christmas stuff. I love most of their music though

Led Zeppelin Christmas album? (rofl)

I loved the season when Papa bear and I were first married.

Before that.... long story.

I don't think I'll be having a grandchild to share the holiday with (in fact I'm pretty sure I won't...) It does hurt (and few get it).

I could write much more but my words stink right now.

I do my best to have gratitude for what I have

Sorry Beth my post is so carp I feel like deleting it (I'll leave it though)

I just got my hair cut and was waiting for her to ask about my family and holiday plans. Thankfully she didn’t but I was ready for her and was planning to be honest. I wanted to see what kind of reaction I got. Christmas music was playing though and Jingle Bell Rock came on. I hate that song. It butchered a classic.

The US has got to be the most insensitive or clueless culture in the world. We’ve had a lot of loss, as gun violence, hate crimes, and Covid continues to kill. The media barely mentions it now as if it’s over. Yesterday was the anniversary of Sandy Hook. 10 years and we still have these shootings. There’s a malaise in this country yet when October hits, we are supposed to flip a switch, like a light switch, and be cheerful. It’s the holidays! And there’s still war in Ukraine, high prices, people being let go like objects and not human beings, parents don’t get paid parental leave like in other wealthy countries but let’s forget all that and get in the holiday spirit folks!

A lot of our holiday greetings start with “Happy” except Labor Day and Memorial Day, which is supposed to be a somber day honoring veterans. But it’s turned into another commercialized day. Anyway it’s Happy New Year, Happy Easter, happy happy happy.

I’d like to hear from people outside the US and if the hype is there as well.

Bottom line I think we live in a sick culture. Suicides are highest at this time and it’s the busiest time for therapy all thanks to the holidays.

On a related note I plan to read Bright Sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America by Barbara Ehrenreich soon. It’s related in my opinion, since we are supposed to be happy during the holidays and positive just because we are starting a new year. For me it’s the same crap year after year.



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A few neighbors have decorations up and one couple puts them up in October. I can’t help wondering if any of them are doing it because it’s what you do or they truly enjoy the holidays…

Regarding the media, more balanced reporting would help me and others alone. I mean if they interviewed dysfunctional or estranged families or showed people celebrating in a non traditional way or something. Or show people struggling just to make ends meet, there’s no money for trips and stuff like that.

Geez if not for this site I’d lose my mind, thinking it’s just me. That’s my rants for the day and I feel better as a result.

March and November are the two months I always dread, they seem to be the months that loved ones get to be dead

Dearest @Fuzzybear, thanks for stopping by! I've missed you so much lately

Dear @nonightowl, ohhh, I understand your feelings of irritation and annoyance. I know how each of the things you've mentioned can be frustrating. When they all pile one upon another, however, a chain of grrrrrs, and seem to accumulate with no respite, a true depression may be the culprit.

One guaranteed way to develop a different perspective on the Holidays: Spend them with people who are really very much in need, or services that are trying to do some good in the world.

Volunteer at a food bank or a soup kitchen, or even an animal shelter.

Look up ways to help in your own Community. There are always volunteer positions that need filling.

I wish I had the physical strength, the energy, the drive, and the time to do some of these things. I feel the need in my deepest heart.

Sent with all respect, no matter how one feels about the Holidays.

I agree @MuseumGhost. Volunteering was something that was a given in my life from that time I was 14 and "had" to choose a volunteer position as a class project (my partner and I chose to volunteer in a convalescent hospital, as they were called back then, and wow, did we learn a lot about life from those old folks! To this day, I miss one lady, in particular). From then on I volunteered.

A few of my favorite vol positions were working Stand Down, a grass-roots event (sponsored by the Veteran's Administration) for Vietnam veterans, held on a huge parcel of land by the river. Every (legal) service imaginable was provided, from hair cuts to legal advice, housing help, counseling, employment, and so on. I loved just listening to the guy's stories, and they needed to be heard.

I adored the children I worked with when I volunteered to read to first-graders. We'd read a story, then do a craft project related to the story. They were so delighted with the opportunity, and behaved beautifully. My take-away adorable experience was, after reading a story, one little girl raised her hand and out of the blue, absolutely no relation to the story, inquired, "Mrs. _____, What kind of car does you husband drive?" Something was peculating in that child's beautiful little mind, to ask that question, and boy, did I have to bite my lip to keep from giggling when I answered that cutie's very serious inquiry.

The third incredibly rewarding vol position I held was working outreach with at-risk teens. A partner and I would go out on the street in the evening to places where it was known that homeless teens were living, prostituting, hanging out. We'd give them supplies (hygiene kits & condoms), a pack of syringes + little bleach containers/instructions on how to clean everything. We'd also offer them time at a shelter if they wanted a ride over. What a job that was! Talk about rewarding. I vol'd for a year and was completely surprised when my supervisor offered me a paid position. I accepted it and worked there for another year until my own kids needed me in their lives more.

So yes, volunteering can open up brand new and spectacular worlds for everyone involved.

Thanks, *Beth*. I'm not surprised you have done the volunteer option, and done it multiple times. It's especially important around the holidays, I find, to reach out and do what we can for others, if we feel we have the strength to do so.

My contributions in this way have been somewhat small over the last few years. I was not well enough to indulge in full-blown commitment of large chunks of time, even to causes I felt were very worthwhile. But I did do a bit of baking for friends I knew were crushed for time around now. And I looked in on neighbours who were suddenly alone, or who might be kind of left out around Christmas.

It's a time of great want and great need, and of course these can be felt more keenly, now, as Dickens so memorably said. People are so busy with so many other concerns, that staffing can be challenged---and what is needed are feet on the ground, and things getting done.

It was always enriching for me to simply help other people, without the expectation of pay. It's an excellent remedy for feeling alone and cut off from other humans, or feeling our purpose has been lost in this world. And, it has the most profound way of keeping things in perspective.

Because of my back I haven’t volunteered the last 5 years. But I’ve done volunteering since college. Various places, the city social services, NAMI, libraries and animal shelters. If I was more financially stable and had the money I’d volunteer to visit shut-ins. Just visit for an hour to listen.

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Originally Posted by MuseumGhost Thanks, *Beth*. I'm not surprised you have done the volunteer option, and done it multiple times. It's especially important around the holidays, I find, to reach out and do what we can for others, if we feel we have the strength to do so. My contributions in this way have been somewhat small over the last few years. I was not well enough to indulge in full-blown commitment of large chunks of time, even to causes I felt were very worthwhile. But I did do a bit of baking for friends I knew were crushed for time around now. And I looked in on neighbours who were suddenly alone, or who might be kind of left out around Christmas. It's a time of great want and great need, and of course these can be felt more keenly, now, as Dickens so memorably said. People are so busy with so many other concerns, that staffing can be challenged---and what is needed are feet on the ground, and things getting done. It was always enriching for me to simply help other people, without the expectation of pay. It's an excellent remedy for feeling alone and cut off from other humans, or feeling our purpose has been lost in this world. And, it has the most profound way of keeping things in perspective.

How kind, how thoughtful, of you, MG. There are no small volunteer contributions, dear one. Oh, the thought of a baked good showing up at my door, held in the hands of someone willing to sit down and chat for 1/2 an hour in this town "new" to me, and so much smaller and much, much lonelier than my home town was!

I've researched vol positions here, but cannot find anything except jobs connected with judicial stuff (just not an interest of mine) or, because the town has a high population of migrant workers, there is a need for people who speak Spanish to fill vol positions. I could do better with my very, very limited French than I could with my very, very, extremely limited Spanish. I'm no longer connected with the school system of course, so that's a no-go as far as grade-school children.

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Originally Posted by Nammu ...If I was more financially stable and had the money...

An unfortunate reality. It does require money to volunteer. Starting with transportation, possibly parking fees, onto anything one can imagine.

Yeah, I was thinking of gas money. One of my daughter’s first jobs was visiting the elderly and mentally I’ll shut ins. But the gas to drive from place to place was so high it was hardly covered by her wage. So she had to look for a different job that paid better. Because we live in a rural area people are very spread out. One older man she especially hated to leave was stuck on his farm. There was a service that delivered meals to him but what he desperately wanted was someone to talk to, he loved my daughters visits. I just think there aught to be more money for things like that than $99 digital card.

Regarding the push to volunteer, I volunteered my ***** off many times over the years. And not only was it gas money, before it got this high even, it was my time and energy. In hindsight I’m not sure how much I was appreciated. It ought to be a two way street with both sides getting something from it.

I’m not ashamed to say I’m in a place where I need to RECEIVE whether it’s a hug, a listening ear, or a kind gesture of some kind. I used to be a client of a nonprofit during lockdowns where they had volunteers to call or visit seniors. I can’t afford it now as they started charging money last year, considering Covid to be over. It was free before, then they said they can’t do it for free anymore.

Ah.. Tis the season to be JOLLY, fa la la la la, La la la…oh f***!

It should just be about being with people you have real connections with, not superficial ones.

I personally think the gifts, decorations, food are the icing on the cake or cherry on top of a sundae. It’s a nice extra touch but ONLY if one truly enjoys those things. Otherwise it’s an obligation and causes nothing but stress and resentment.

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And another thing about the holidays is many places are short staffed since people take a lot of days off. I have business to take care of but have to wait till the holidays are over.

I’m talking about places like law offices or customer service numbers, not retailers or restaurants. It’s kind of like things come to a standstill cause of the holidays. Mail is delayed too.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Originally Posted by Nammu Yeah, I was thinking of gas money. One of my daughter’s first jobs was visiting the elderly and mentally I’ll shut ins. But the gas to drive from place to place was so high it was hardly covered by her wage. So she had to look for a different job that paid better. Because we live in a rural area people are very spread out. One older man she especially hated to leave was stuck on his farm. There was a service that delivered meals to him but what he desperately wanted was someone to talk to, he loved my daughters visits. I just think there aught to be more money for things like that than $99 digital card.

Exactly. If I owned a reliable car, had the money for gas, and a bit extra for a sandwich, piece of fruit, and a drink, I could easily find at least 25 volunteer jobs I would gladly sign up for in my home city and drive the 70 mile r/t a couple of times/week. But those resources are not available at this time in my life.

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Originally Posted by nonightowl I’m not ashamed to say I’m in a place where I need to RECEIVE whether it’s a hug, a listening ear, or a kind gesture of some kind....

No, there's nothing there to be ashamed of. I'm feeling much the same way this season.

I joyfully poured an immense, constant amount of unconditional love into raising my family and the result I'm seeing is yes, two successful children. But my daughter is terribly selfish and lacks empathy while she climbs the professional academic ladder. My son, while a truly admirable, lovely young man, is extremely focused on his professional pursuits, then on de-stressing from the hard work he's done. So he and my DIL take off to exotic locations all over the globe and yes, I am delighted for them! But it hurts. How's about they spend a couple of hours at my boring little apartment some time?

I spend time, every day, crying. Feeling like I've thrown my life away. And my husband is disrespectful to me, sometimes truly abusive. He's cruel.

Bitter, hurt, horribly isolated. Wounded. I desperately want to see things a different way, but I don't know how. For the first season in my life I really do not know how, and that is scaring me terribly; I don't want to live like this. Do you, owl? I mean it sincerely, no judgment: do you want to remain hurt and bitter, or do you want to find a different way?

Can you divorce him (husband)?

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Originally Posted by nonightowl ...Mail is delayed too.

Are you sure about that? My husband and I have run an online business selling books, 14 years, and we've never seen the USPS move parcels so fast.