[bigbear68]

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Hi everyone. I was looking at all the different forums and I really didn't know which one to post in. I have so many issues that I dont just fit in one. I am a severly depressed person, who also has anxiety, mood disorder, boarderline personality disorder, eating disorder,ect....ect... the thing is I have been waiting for so long for something to just change everything. I dont feel very productive. I have a son whho is 20 and living at home. He is very violent. He's hurt me before. I called the abuse hotline, there are things they can do, but I just can't bring myself to agree. Sometimes he can have an absolute heart of gold. I have a 17 year old daughter. She ran away for almost 3 weeks. That was so hard on me. I am glad she came home, but its like walking on eggshells. I really don't understand anyone anymore. I have a 16 year old son, who is pretty close to me. He has a anger problem too though. when he gets mad, oh my does he get mad. And the bad thing is its almost always over something stupid.
I just feel this tremendous amount of pressure on my shoulders. My husband doesn't understand me. He loves me and comforts me, but he will never know me completely. He is a bit learning disabled so I think that may be part of it. finally I had to turn all my finances over to a case manager. I couldnt make ends meet. So I'm no longer in charge of my own money. I take a lot of medications. I know I screw up on the dosages sometimes. I refuse thought to turn that over to anyone else. Its too many medicines.
I feel such a sense of worthlessness. My dad was such an alcoholic. He beat my mother and broke things everyday. She did too, she was no angel. The memories from then are so bad. I never tell anyone. I remember though, wanting to help my mom... I think I was around 5 years old maybe? but he had her up against the wall and was beating her...she was crying and looked so helpless. There was a phone mounted on the wall above her. He took it and smashed her on the head...I tried to jump on his back, but he easily threw me off. I ran next door for help, but My aunt just made me sit down and she gave me cookies. I was so mad at her. Then when mom came over afterwards...I saw her legs and they were all black and blue. I can never forget that, never. I have worse ones. I remember dad throwing our christmas tree once, and all the cookies mom worked so hard on...smashed furniture, plates, doors even. They all got replace as soon as they got broken...so it looked normal. I knew it was a bad day when I came home by the shape of the house...Me and my sister always had to clean up. I hate correll dishes, they splinter in tiny pieces. Oh God once dad was so sick..He had to throw up, he was too drunk. He threw up all the way down the hall and in the bathroom...we had all rugs. Then he laid in the bathroom floor sleeping. I cleaned it all up, it was disgusting and hard to get out of the rug...I know I was little. about maybe 8 or so? Mom worked night shift all the time. She never even knew. Dad would wake me and my sister up to clean the dishes or do work...even on a school night. He liked to cook when he was drunk late at night. And if he was mad at mom for something, thats the time he would start blameing us...it hurt so much....Once he was so distraught he put a rifle in his mouth to kill himself. When he came out of his room with it, I thought he was going to kill mom and us girls...but he wanted to kill himself...my big brother was there and pushed him just in time. The bullet went in the ceiling. I still see it over and over. It scared the %#@&#! out of me. so many memories..and I have such discontent now too. both of them are dead now. I am so sad and miss them? is that crazy or what? I do miss hugging my mom, even thought toward the end we had problems.\
Oh shoot, I'm done fo now, I ramble on and on if given the chance. Probaby no one will even have the patience to read such a long post...oh well...take care..Marie

[(JD)]

(((Marie))) I'm glad you found PC!

Please do listen to what those caring ppl have suggested regarding your abusive son. Maybe the sooner you can stop/correct him, the easier it will be for him to improve his lifestyle and you can repair the family??? It won't get better on it's own, and I think you know this.

You have so much on your plate, and I'm glad you have others helping now. Come back and ramble again!

dont have any good advice but wanted to shoot you a (((hug))) and tell you i did read your whole post

[I_WMD]

B B 68 >>> First off (((((((((( Hugs ))))))))) OH ((((((((((( BIGGER HUG )))))))))))).... Now Is your time to Fix you first and let that ,,, in time ,,, rub off on Your children .

B B 68 >>>>>>>>. You have dealt with a major bunches ,, But you have kept it together and have children to get to know as they are and LOve for all you are worth ,,,,, And Your Value to them is that you be there for them at times of troubles as they see and / or Feel .You have experience beyond the norm of most >>> But Not out of the norm as to this Place P / C ....

You Will Find a lot of support here ,, and Hopefully ,,, Your healing will find a place for your children to see and get involved as a Family ,,,, Take Good Care of YOURSELF and maybe the rest ,, with patience on alls parts will fall into place .

[mrsmoggles]

((((Marie))))) I know about depression as I have had it I believe since pre teens...It was not my childhood that was bad, but who I chose to love...he would have killed me and I was oh so ready for it...but it didnt happen adn i was left with so many questions...the things that got me thru were my 2 boys(who have broke what was left of my heart), that i couldnt help someone who didnt want to be helped (though i tried for yearsssss), the thought that i was the one who turned my back on god and the whole time i was alone, He was waiting to take my hand and I felt so worthless for sooo long, and the last but not least was that if what i endured didnt kill me, then there must be something i am missing that i need to learn...i am here for a reason, whether it is for me or someone else, it is in God;s hands...

I am sorry, not getting all religous on you...but you are a SURVIVOR...and it may be hard, but the best you can do for your sons is to not let them get violent...you can take that stand cause you are worth it!!! i am here if you want to talk...i am all ears and bear hugs and warm fuzzy well wishes for you...and by taking that stand you may break the cycle for a chance your daughter may end up with a violent person...

oh n i read whole post...just a little late in replying...so hugs n i am glad you found this site!!! PC is great!!! ~ melanie

[eskielover]

((((((Marie))))))),

Welcome to PC & wanted to let you know I have read your whole post....without a ramble thought in my head. You have so many issues going on in your life from your past & your present, it has to be hard to sort out a plan for working on getting help.

To start with, I hope you have a therapist....psychologist, but that sounds like the place where I would start. One needs professional outside help when you have so many issues going on in your life. Starting with your present issues would be my suggestion, making sure that you are safe & trying to get in control of what is currently going on in your life with your family seems as though it would be the priority to work on immediately.

After that point, then a psychologist will be able to work on the past traumas you have gone through & how they are also effecting your current life. Those things that you lived through as a child leave huge scars that we have to deal with as adults.

I am so glad that you have found PC.....it is a wonderful supportive site that can provide a great support system while working with the professionals on the deep issues inside of us. This is a wonderful place to talk through the thoughts that therapy brings up. It is also a great place to get input on those thoughts....ideas that we alone might not think about.

The support that everyone here is able to provide is amazing & hope that your stay will be a wonderful experience for you & that you can start to get professional help along with this support to start getting in control of your own life.

Welcome to PC,
Debbie

[bigbear68]

Thank you so much, I know what your saying is true. It's so hard fo me. Sometimes things seem to be just fine. Thats what makes it hard, knowing it could be so great.
I love my son, and I would gladly lay my life down for him, but I can't take the abuse anymore. I told my therapist (finally) about it all. I am sure she will try to help out the best she can. ty for your very caring words. (((((((((mrsmoggles)))))))))....take care....Marie

[bigbear68]

Hello sky: Thanks so much for being here for me. I do know it won't get better on its own. It's so hard for me to get support from other family members. Like me, they are guilty of the forgive and forget idea. Its not always healty to think that way. (((((((sky)))))).....ty, Marie

[bigbear68]

The (((hug))) was very nice and appreciated. Ty ((((((rainbowzz))))))...Marie

[bigbear68]

Wow wmdwright....those are great ((((((hugs!)))))))))) I appreciate the kindness. Yeah, I suppose it has been a heck of a lot of stuff. I have so much more in this brain of mine, it seems like flashbacks of hell. But, I told my therapist most of it, and working on the rest. I hope she can help me sort it out too. Ty so much (((((((((wmdwright))))))))))...oh wait....((((((((((((((((WMDWRIGHT!))))))))))) you gave me two, so two for two. lol.........Marie

[bigbear68]

TY so much Debbie.....I am glad to have people that are caring respond to this post of mine. Yes I do have a therapist. I am now starting to tell her about it all. I started therapy in 1999 after a failed suicide attempt...Finally, I am opening up. I hope it gets better.
Thanks a lot! (((((((((Debbie))))))))))....Marie

[AAAAA]

(((((Marie))))) all I can do is give you a hug!

[splitimage]

((((Marie)))))

Welcome to PC, I'm glad that you found us. I'm glad that you have a therapist, it's hard to work out all our stuff on our own. It sounds like you have more than your share of issues to deal with, but personally I put a big premium on personal safety. If you're son is abusing you physically then you have to take steps to protect yourself even if they're hard.

Take care of yourself.

--splitimage