Building a Whole New Life

But yes, the toxicity in my music scene seems to be rampant. I’m fumbling around trying to find my family and a place I can call home.

Wow! These people sound really toxic. You're smart to keep your distance.They'd only bring you down and make you doubt yourself. WTH is wrong with them that they feel the need to start drama around you?
I'm sure you will find reliable friends, without issues, that you can hang with. Do these people try to play mind games and gaslight you into believing that you did something wrong? Keep away from them. You sound like a good, reliable friend and don't need their nonsense. "Not your circus, Not your monkeys"!

Thank you @Calla lily12! Yes, these people are severely toxic, and I want nothing more to do with them. It's this abuser's circle of flying monkeys defending him. I want nothing to do with him or his flying monkeys.

And thank you for saying this... I am a very reliable and loyal friend, to those who treat me with kindness and respect. I will move on without this crew.

So, last night I had dinner with the very sweet and kind man I've been hanging out with as friends and getting to know. He is soo kind, and such a gentleman! He's a breath of fresh air, given all the toxic types I've dealt with over the years. This is the first true gentleman I've met in a very very long time. In light of my past history of abuse, I am grateful that this man has crossed my path! So we had dinner together, it was very nice, and then we saw a band with several mutual friends. We had such a fun night!

Then as he walked me to my car at the end of the show and as he was saying goodbye, he yelled out "I love you!" I couldn't believe he said that!! And what did he mean? Now it's in my head, wondering what he meant! He loves me as a friend, or as something more and romantic? What kind of love? I was so taken by surprise that I just smiled and waved goodbye as I got in my car.

So... that's definitely interesting. He told me a couple of people asked him last night if we are dating - he told them that we are just hanging out getting to know each other. A woman friend asked me the same question, and I said we're just hanging out as friends. So, everyone is curious about us! Ha. He said let the mystery remain! HA. I laughed.

Yesterday I went to Porchfest near the city and saw some of my older city friends who were playing. Porchfest is an outdoor event where bands play in certain neighborhoods, on people's porches and in their backyards for free.

I saw four of my older friend crowd. It was wonderful to see them again! One woman, who has been rude to me in the past, actually took me aside to confide in me over something that had happened in her family over the last year. I think in her own way, she was letting me know that this is what was happening the time I felt she had been rude and snubbed me. I had called her out on the behavior a year ago, and we didn't talk for a while. Anyways, she confided in me, which felt good as a friend, I must admit.

And thankfully, my ex husband did not show up! I thought he might, given that it's our mutual friends.

So, overall, I had a great weekend despite the drama that had occurred at the end of the week. I feel good and happy and am ready for a new week to begin!

So, my boss asked three of us employees she manages for feedback and radical candor on her management style with us. This is my opportunity to directly address the issues with her! I am thrilled!!!! I asked her boss if this is the appropriate means - and he said yes. So I have the green light to do so.

I will share my feedback with her today in writing on our MS Teams, as she requested. It goes only to her individually, and no one else, but it is shared and documented in writing to her.

I cried because I had no shoes, till I saw the man that had no feet.

You can't control how people behave. You can only control how you behave.

I have had all of your troubles and more. I want to hug you and tell you it will all be OK.

This is not about me. It's about you. If you want different things out of life than what you've gotten (which has never been fair) then YOU must change. The world will always have people in it that suck.

But not all people suck.

Cut your hair, buy a new outfit and a different shade of lipstick. Then go to an event that you have never been to before. Focus your mind on having fun. Make new friends even if it's only for the duration of the event you are at.
Like attracts like. You be the kind of person you would want to meet and someone with the traits you are displaying will come forth when you least expect it. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF. Forget all the S---T and lousy people you have met. That is the past. It is up to you and your attitude too make the future what YOU want it to be. GO GET 'EM GIRL. SHINE THEM PEARLY WHITES with a great big smile. You gotta make it easy for the right people to find you. Smile be happy-Change your mind and change your life. It is up to you. I'll be praying for you! Peace Out

Thank you and I agree with you. This is what I've been trying to do this whole time ever since I started this thread. I have been doing and trying out a lot of NEW things on my own - I traveled to Mexico by myself on vacation. I have gone to new places I had not gone to before to meet new people. I have talked on this thread about wanting to branch out from my music scene, and I am slowly but surely working towards it. I talked about quitting smoking, and I did it. I AM already changing me and I don't need to be told this. That has been my entire purpose - my first post on this thread was that I need a life overhaul - well, that entails changing ME, my habits, and my behaviors. But this is lifelong conditioning and habits that I am trying to UNDO - and that takes TIME.... BABY STEPS.

That's what this whole entire thread has been about - changing... that doesn't just happen overnight. I know you mean well, but I don't think you get that this is what I am trying to accomplish.

Also, I am 54 years old and have been around the block for decades, so yes, I can say with certainty that most people DO suck. I've traveled across the globe to various different countries, and I have lived in many different states across the United States. I have met loads of people, and I have been interacting online for YEARS. Most people are oblivious about themselves and their behavior, and most are simply followers of the masses without thinking for themselves. Most people lack critical thinking skills and are not evolved to self individuation. Most people don't even like themselves and act out their self hatred or disdain.

Again, I know you mean well and I am not jumping down your throat - I am simply responding to what you wrote.

I have a 2-day work conference starting today. My colleague and I have to take notes because we need to give a team presentation about highlights from the conference in one week. It's going to be a very long day. And my boss insists on joining the freebie sessions, so she will be there too, which I don't really want. I did give my radical candor feedback to my boss, and am waiting to see if there is any fallout. I was brutally honest and upfront about all the issues I have faced with her. She seemed to take it well in writing at least, but I can only imagine that she must be seething in anger. She is a narcissist, I do believe - and they don't like being held accountable and being called out for their bad behaviors. I called out everything too - even down to her removing me from her Instagram. If she retaliates, then I have cause for a Human Resources complaint. So I am waiting to see what happens now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope I had a very off night, feeling the way I was feeling. I felt really weird, like I didn't belong in my body anymore. I left the band early. I was at the show for only one hour before I got overwhelmed by the large crowd and all the people mushed in together up front near the band. So, I just took off.... I was there on my own but met up with friends. The drive home was SO LONG, even though it was only a half hour. It felt like forever. I passed out HARD. This morning I feel more like myself. I think I became overwhelmed by my last post about trauma and about carrying around the trauma wherever I go. I couldn't shake the bad feelings last night. Even on my drive to see the band, I felt strange and thought about turning around and staying home. I feel a bit lighter today. How the heck do you get past so much trauma in your life though????? I am scratching my head. I feel ruined. I feel like I am a destroyed person. Damaged goods. No good for anyone. What am I even doing here? Why am I even here? Why did I have to go through SO much abuse all my life? Last night i felt practically re-traumatized. Maybe that's why I couldn't stand being in my body. Healing is certainly not a linear process - it's jagged and all over the place. I know I am on a healing journey right now, and some days I feel truly knocked off my feet because of it. A lifetime of being bullied and abused, by multiple people - at work and in my romantic life. Then there's my marriage. An abusive marriage for 4 years. How am I ever to RECOVER?????????

Like you said, baby steps. You're progressing. Healing is like rolling a boulder up hill. It can really suck. Believe you're doing what you need to do. You'll get there.

Indeed! Thank you!

This morning I blocked the woman I went camping with.. I knew deep down this was coming. She turned out not to be a decent or good friend, so I unfriended and blocked her. They can all go stew in their own drama juices -- all 4 people I've blocked recently.

She had turned on me and blamed me for causing drama around my ex bf lying about me, and about me reaching out to his gf to defend myself. WTH? I was defending myself against a big fat LIE! I was being gaslighted by her! She turned on me for it, so I blocked her and told her she is not a good friend. Then in my last message, I told her she's not an honest person because she cheats on her bf, lies to him and to me about it, and I said we don't have the same values. Then I blocked her. She hasn't read that message, and I wish she would.

I told her she can have that whole group of people. So I exited from all their toxic drama and blocked all 4 people in that group.

And clearly my new-ish gf chose loyalty to them vs to me, showing me she is not a good or real friend to me.

Today is the 3-year anniversary of my father's death. I sat in the hospital room with him and my mother, holding his hand, just before he died.

I cried a little bit this morning, and yes, of course there were aspects of him that were endearing, but overall, I feel more at peace since he's been gone. He is the root of many of my troubles - he was a narcissist and emotionally abused me. He neglected me, rarely supported me, and was overly critical and controlling of me. All of my issues that I still struggle with today are a result of how he and my mother treated me.

So I feel very little today about the loss. It is not a loss for me in fact, it's a gain. I regained myself again. Even though I am stumbling around, a bit off kilter, I feel liberated.

So that's how I feel about my father dying.

I'm having a hard time replying but I wanted to support you. My father passed away years ago but I can't let it go. I'm sorry you lost your father but I understand the issues you faced re: your parents.
I'm glad you were able to regain yourself.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time and for losing your father. Everyone deals with grief and loss in their own way. There's also no timetable for mourning a loss. Loss and grief are a very personal thing.

And thanks for your comments. I do feel very liberated.

So, my boss pulled yet another stunt yesterday, which was an undermining and sabotage of my work and professional reputation. I am now collecting the documentation needed in order to go to Human Resources, which was my Director's recommendation. I am FUMING. This is just AFTER I had given her candid feedback on her management style, with honesty and very diplomatically. But it has escalated even further. She called my recommendations "boring", citing two examples of my own recommendations, within a global call yesterday.

This is now WAR. A colleague, who must be very fearful in life, said to me, "be prepared to leave your job if you go to HR".

UGH.

I did it! I reached out to HR and to my Dept Director to inform him of reaching out to HR. I am anxiously awaiting both of their replies. I asked HR about having a confidential convo about process and options, and expressed concerns over retaliation. We shall see what comes of this. Fingers crossed.

I did it. I submitted a formal complaint on Friday to HR of bullying by my boss at work.

Here it is, in this thread:
Controversial Topic: Going to HR About Your Bully Boss

I am a wreck. HR is investigating my claims, while I sit back and endure the anguish of not knowing what the outcome will be for my boss. They're supposed to wrap it up this week, HR told me last Friday. In the meantime, I have to face my boss in meetings and what, pretend like everything is business as usual and normal?

This monster stabbed me in the back last week in a global call by labeling my recommendations as "boring" to stakeholders, and directly referenced two examples of my own work. That was the last straw that pushed me to go to HR.

So I've submitted a formal complaint of bullying, and provided a lengthy incident log, with screenshots of the proof attached to each example of her bullying behavior.

I hope and pray that this turns out well for me. I cannot live like this one second longer. And I refuse to leave my job because of this biatch. I finally landed a good job and a secure job. My career finally settled after 7 years of upheaval occurring through multiple layoffs. I am not letting her win. She will not win. I am staying. If anything, she must go!

How on earth am I supposed to get through my 1:1 meeting with my boss Thursday morning? Do I address the elephant in the room, ie, that I went to HR. Or do I pretend it doesn't exist, smile, and stick to business? And, what if she brings it up? I don't want to engage in any conversation about it with her while it's all under investigation.

I have no clue how to handle it. Any advice?

I am anxiety ridden every morning when I wake up. I have to take my anti anxiety meds each day now, whereas previously I took them once in a while as needed. I am practically trembling.

So that's how I feel about my father dying.[/QUOTE]


When my dad passed, I was relieved that I would never be guilty of patricide. I regret that I am not a big enough man to forgive him his shortcomings. I concede that he did put food on our table, and he let his children know he was owed for that. He never wanted children, and my mother made him give her four sons before she gave up on her attempt to have a daughter.

That's horrific. I'm so sorry. I have no words, but I do have many virtual hugs.

So, I had my meeting with the global copywriter yesterday. I had planned to do damage control regarding my boss's comment about my own website recommendations being "boring". I completely missed the mark and didn't even try.

The copywriter offered more wording for my header recommendation, and all I said was, yes, that is fine as long as the target keywords remain in tact and in the front.

I didn't even attempt to fix it and the damage is done. The global copywriter is likely now in agreement that my page header recommendations are "boring".