Building a Whole New Life

Yeah, I can understand this is a difficult one.

From the sounds of things, he's capable of deciding whether he does or doesn't want to be with you, and it's not like you're coercing him into a relationship.

It sounds like he knows how you feel about him, and so just go with the flow. If he keeps coming in and out of contact with you, then maybe he's not that serious. I guess it depends what you both want.

Maybe have an open conversation with him and then you'll have a better chance of knowing where you stand and what you both do and don't want. Too much of life is spent second guessing, because we are afraid to ask or take action - I'm 100% guilty of this, by the way :-)

Well, I told him that I am not looking for anything more than just fun, so I think I've made it clear what I want and don't want. Between the lines, that says I don't want a relationship or anything serious. If I bring it up, I'm afraid he will think the opposite, which has been my experience in the past with some men.

Why does everything always have to happen at once? I am still spinning from this week and am still recovering. It really was too much to handle - far too much. Why do my burdens always have to be so great?

Also, it's uncomfortable for me to accept that my boss doesn't like me and neither does another superior to me at work. It doesn't make me feel comfortable around them in knowing this. It makes it harder and I constantly feel ill at ease. I try to just focus on the work and pour myself into that, but it's distracting when my boss makes it so obvious that she dislikes me. She chit chats with all other colleagues but me. She spent all of last week away from her desk, when it was just the two of us in our row of cubes for the week. It's just so darned obvious. I have to learn how to accept what I cannot control - and we cannot control what others think of us. It's bugging me though.

And I last night I exercised few boundaries when hanging out with a new-ish female friend. I feel I confessed too many of my dark secrets, making myself vulnerable to judgment. I feel exposed and therefore, anxious about being judged.

This has been a simply awful week. Progress feels slow. Two steps backwards today. On the positive side, thoughts of my ex husband are fading. He’s more in the distant background like far away white noise. But it’s more vague. I don’t feel good about myself today though.. and I’m not sure if I have on many days lately. I am down on myself for all my failings and shortcomings. I hold myself to a high standard. One of perfection, I’m perfectionistic. Anyways, I’m very downspirited and am in a funk. I can’t seem to get out of it. I don’t feel stable. I feel very ungrounded and by knowing this, it makes me feel worse. I’ve dug myself into a dark hole. Help.

I wish I could give you some sensible advice, but it’s not that easy. I understand about sinking into a pit of despair. I live life by the hour, in terms of my mental health. It’s a constant roller coaster, and it is exhausting.

It may not be much consolation, but you are not alone in your feelings. Hopefully this forum is a useful outlet for your frustrations and worries.

All I can say is keep going. Tomorrow is another day.

Best wishes, Jeff.

@NovaBlaze, thank you my friend. It helps to not feel so alone with this.

The mental gymnastics my mind does on me is exhausting. I am tired of feeling negative emotions and of being in emotional turmoil.

A lot of it has to do with what's going on at work, which is depressing me.

It does help to. vent on here and to receive support. I wish I had a therapist, too, but I just cannot bring myself to try and find one. It's been exhausting trying to find one without any luck, and I don't feel like continuing to try.

I'm supposed to ski today and we had a snowstorm last night. It's 4 am and it is still snowing. The roads are barely cleared and are icy, according to the news. I hope and pray I will be able to drive out of town to head to the mountains today. I pray the roads get cleared in the next 5 hours. I am kind of upset. I had to cancel several plans last summer and lost $600 because of it. I've spent $115 on my ski lift ticket online. I don't want to have to skip skiing and lose $115 because the roads are not good and I can't get out. UGH.

F*UKKKKKKKK. I have to forfeit skiing today and am losing $100. The ski report says 6 degrees at the top of the mountain, only 11 degrees at the base, extremely high winds of 40-60 mph at the top and snow showers this morning! It would be MISERABLE skiing today, so I am forfeiting! I will have to go another time.

Time to regroup and find a way to enjoy my day off regardless! I am pissed though and am severely disappointed!

So, my long weekend was mainly a bust. I went out only Fri night and saw a friend. The rest of the weekend I mainly spent by myself, except for brunch with my sister Sunday. After having to cancel my skiing plans yesterday, I ended up shopping for new ski gloves and took myself out for lunch. I had 3 glasses of wine at lunch. On my day off, I did very little housework.

Now it's Tue and back to the office, which I'm dreading. Sitting next to a boss whom I know doesn't like me is very difficult. It makes me dread going to work. I think her annual review was due by the 20th, so I think she's finished writing mine. I wonder if I get to read it any time soon. This is something I am completely dreading - I am convinced it will be very negative and unfair. I am expecting this from her, given how petty and immature she is. UGH UGH UGH.

Life sucks right now. Maybe I should think about a new job. It's just SO hard to motivate in that direction. It took me 7 months of interviewing to land THIS job. I just don't know If I am ready to put myself through the process.

I'm reading about your experiences to see how you're doing. I read about you and felt some relief—at least someone out there is able to make something of their life, have a job, and enjoy skiing. I must admit I'm a little envious, but I'm genuinely happy for you.
I wish I could support you through your challenges, which reminded me of my own experience with cigarette withdrawal.
I had enormous pressure when quit nicotine and made decisions that I shouldn't make ever. Different crazy thoughts were coming, and I couldn't control them.
Starting a new job can also be stressful. Honestly, I don't know of any job that isn't stressful; it's always about balancing stress with effectiveness. Transitioning to a new position is difficult, especially when you've worked so hard to get where you are.
I would advise against making any serious decisions during the withdrawal period. And when we think about something, we trigger it to grow. I believe it's better to focus our energy on other, more urgent matters. If I could go back in time, I would definitely tell myself this.))

Thank you very much for your comments and advice. That's good advice. I do feel like I am going a bit nuts in the head right now. I don't feel in control of myself really. I agree it's wisest not to make an immediate decision or leap into the unknown. I do need time. The withdrawal is horrible.

I hate when I have to disagree with my boss - she comes up with ideas, and I often think of a better way, so I present that to her or in a meeting as an option. Today, I need to pursue my own idea vs her idea in a meeting with a colleague. This takes some skill - to pretend like I am considering her idea, then opting for my own method of approaching the task. I mean, honestly, it should be up to me since it's my work that is involved. But I hate it and this gives me anxiety. Being assertive gives me anxiety at work. I always worry about my tone and wonder whether my tone is harsh when I am really only trying to be assertive. This comes from being bullied and abused at work. I don;'t know how to improve this issue.

I feel like all I do on here is complain. Do I ever not complain? I know I come here to vent and get support.. I do a lot of venting and need a lot of support I realized. I have many frustrations. Too many.

Well, if I DO complain a lot, it's due to a lot of frustration coming at me from different directions.

It's Thurs, and I haven't heard from mr fun guy about the weekend. I was hoping to stay over at his place one night after the concert and said as much in our last texts last week. The concert is happening Fri and Sat nights, and I told him I am going to one show or both. No word from him, and I really want to hear from him. I don't want to be the woman who says yes to a guy she likes every time he tries to see me only as long as its convenient for him.

Then of course there is the constant issue of my boss at my heels. Every day I go to the office I have to face her buddying up with my colleagues but not with me. It's an isolating feeling that I have to deal with all day long, 3 days a week. It's demoralizing. I try to ignore it and not let it bother me, but it's there and I know it's happening. She even threw out the plant I gave her for Christmas. She claims the cleaning crew did it, but I know that's not true. They do not throw out personal belongings that we leave at our desks.

And quitting smoking is not getting easier yet. I've made it 2 weeks so far and am still wanting to munch on food, but I can't because of the diet. I am going a bit nuts with it and continue to chew sugarless gum like there's no tomorrow.

All in all, I am Ok though and I am doing well, considering different stressors.

Oh, keeping diet and dropping smoking at once is hard. And when you are stressed, more problems are likely to occur, you have a bad condition and troubles seem worse. Great to hear that you are ok and keeping!
I would like to say I also come here to vent. I don't want to write a lot about good things that are still happening to me, because when I am happy, I don't need support and my internal life doesn't need venting.
When I quit the first time, I gained 66 pounds, returned to smoking again and losing this weight for several years. Well, I'm still on the nicotine vaping, but I started again with the war and hope to drop when I move away (or the war ends).

Thanks! It is really really hard, but I am doing it!!! I've lost 3 pounds so far and have another 3 pounds to lose.

That's a good point about feeling good and not feeling the need to come on here to talk about it. That's so true and I feel the same most of the time.

I thought about vaping again,.but I keep recalling the horrible cough I developed after a year of vaping that I can't bring myself to do it. It would help, but I just can't go there. I got rid of a smoker's cough I had in the last two weeks, thank goodness.

Speaking of venting, this is a new vent about work.

So I had a meeting with the higher up who wrote a poor review of me. I've determined she has horrible communication skills. I am attempting to prevent certain problems that caused fires to put be put during the holiday and back to school retail seasons last year. Well, I walked away from that meeting unclear. In addition, my boss also seemed unclear of things after that meeting. So, here we were trying to piece together what she was saying after the meeting ended, and I had to reach out to the higher up to gain clarity on one item she asked me for. She didn't reply yet.

I am really frustrated. It appears as though I was blamed for issues going wrong during those commercial retail seasons, I am trying to fix those problems, yet attempting to uncover the process involved, along with connecting with those who are making decisions, is proving to be a challenge.

And this superior who wrote a poor review of me was not so clear and seemed to have confused me even more. Yet, I am blamed for her inability to communicate clearly.

OH! But I DID hear from mr fun guy yesterday. He wants me to stay over Sat night after the show, so we did solidify plans - I'm excited to see him. Something to look forward to while I deal with these annoying work issues today.

I have anxiety. Quitting smoking is making it that much more apparent to me just how much I suffer from anxiety. It is almost debilitating. Not quite, but almost. I am not doing that much work at work. I am doing the bare minimum.

And yesterday, I had a very difficult client call. I had to confront the fact that our communications have sucked and that there's been a lot of communication problems resulting in a lot of unnecessary work being done on their end. I was very direct, matter of fact and straight to the point without any softness in tone about it over email. When my client first got on the call after reading that email, he opened with "WOW".... I had to interject at that point to save the relationship and conversation from going south and from him interpreting my tone negatively and defensively. I interjected by saying that there is no finger pointing here at either party, and I have a couple solutions we can hopefully agree on. And, I saved the conversation from going south, he did not become defensive, and at the end of the call, we were in alignment with the solutions.

So I got anxious about how my tone at work generally is. And my tone could definitely be taken as harsh and perhaps even condemning, particularly in writing but I think even when I speak out loud.

And, I think this comes from a lifetime of abuse and bullying. I often have to stand up for myself and what I am proposing as being a good idea and change for the company, and I have to self advocate at work. I often propose thoughts and ideas that get shot down - and when they are first shot down, I try to lobby for the idea to get implemented. Once it's final and clear that they aren't budging, I back down. I am going against the grain of the whole company, and this places me naturally at a disadvantage in my job from the start. My ideas have to be approved by many stakeholders; and I have to sometimes push to get my ideas heard, accepted, and then implemented, when I firmly believe that it's the right thing to do. I do work, and then it is undone. I am not brought in or consulted when there are changes made on the website and I get slighted by that. I take it personally, when I think it. more so has to do with the company not educated enough or conditioned to take what I do into consideration when it comes to website design.

So, back to anxiety - I have a LOT of anxiety due to my job. I have to fight to be heard and respected, my boss does not like me nor does another superior, I work against the norm at the company, and I am alone in what I do, except for the external agency partners who do partner with me on my workload.

And it's staring me stark in the face just how anxious I am. The outcome of my annual review and bonus amount is pending and won't be finalized until after March 1. This process is making me anxious. My boss makes me anxious.

And quitting smoking and dieting is just incredibly freaking hard right now, when I face so much anxiety about work.

I have an anxiety medication I take as needed. Maybe I should take it daily for a while. That's one solution. I also listen to meditative relaxing music every morning and watch meditation videos. I need to exercise - that's missing. But I also work on deep breathing sometimes too when I feel anxious. I cannot get a therapist - that's not possible.

I don't know what else I can try to help lesson all this anxiety I feel over my job, my boss, my review, my bonus, my future at the company, etc?

The person I've become is brittle, sharp tongued, heartbroken, sad, and hardened - all as a result of being abused and bullied.

I am not soft anymore... I don't know what I've become, but I don't like who I see, and it breaks my heart. My heart hurts from all the pain and suffering I've had to endure. It's far too much for one person to bear - for the average person to bear - most would have crumbled long ago, and I have fallen down many times. I've had to get up and fight my way forward, each and every time.

It's just too much, and I feel incredibly burdened by these feelings. Not only burdened, but incredibly alone with it.

No wonder at work the response or feedback initially was that I am "sharp", and I think it meant sharp tongued. I can come across as condemning and blaming or accusatory, especially when I feel I am being treated unfairly. And at work, I've been placed at such a HUGE disadvantage. My boss not knowing a single thing about my field of expertise, yet having to manage me and advocate my strategies on my behalf? Working as the solo person in the whole company in charge of what I do, when it's a constant battle to be heard, appreciated, understood, and also respected, not only to have my strategies implemented, but also incorporated regularly. No one there is conditioned yet to include me in their planning or own strategies. It's an afterthought, and often people just don't even pay attention to it or heed it any value. So I have to fight for it.

This has been a constant in my whole life - having to fight for what I believe in and need. And I've had to fight and stand up for myself ALL MY LIFE.

I cannot battle anymore. I am done. I give up and I throw up my hands. The only one who can help is God, because only God can work miracles, and I need a miracle.

I need relief from all this burden and these burdensome emotions. I am an emotional wreck right now.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

Thanks so much @Bill3!!

I saw Mr fun guy last night… finally! After waiting three weeks since New Year’s Eve, when we last were together. He was bartending at the show I went to. Thankfully, I was with a girlfriend so I wasn’t alone. I waited around for him after the show and we went to his home. It was super fun. Short lived, but fun. I left this morning.

I also ran into a more distant ex of mine who is remarried. He followed me around all night talking to me. He got incredibly drunk and was telling me he loves me. Then another ex was there too, a guy I dated for only a month. He told me he loves me too, even though I had blocked him on Facebook. He hugged me and wanted to make it all ok when it isn’t ok. He harassed me on Facebook over the election. He was rude and obnoxious and it was bullying behavior. Then he has the nerve to tell me he loves me? Ugh. So there were a couple of twists to the night that made it interesting.

Anyways, I was overdue for a night of fun, and I had a lot of fun! I danced. And the band was amazing. Good times that help me with the bad times.