Building a Whole New Life

I know my boss probably hates me even more now that I have gone to HR about her management of me, but she is being sweet as pie to me lately. It's a weird feeling to feel that she is putting on a big act, acting as though she likes and respects me when she doesn't. But it IS making my life far easier to know that I have HR to go to if anything else happens. And, I feel that having gone to HR is keeping my boss's poor treatment of me in check. She now knows that I will document what she says and does and will bring it to HR if necessary. That alone should keep her in check. I am sure she doesn't want to be interviewed by HR again. And I am just as certain she hates me and is pretending on the surface to like me. It's all just so weird.

I do browse job listings and check out companies from time to time. And periodically, I will find a job of interest. Then, I read the anonymous employee reviews and discover that the company is far worse than where I am! I don't think there are any good companies out there, or very very few!!! My company has a high Glassdoor rating. I am not moving from one dysfunctional company to a far worse one, that's for sure. I am staying put until there is actually a good company where I can apply.

I had the absolute WORST day at work yesterday.

First off, I woke up angry about everything that is wrong at work. So I arrived at the office already frustrated.

Then I bumped into my boss's boss on the way up the elevator first thing in the morning.

He and I got into a thick or deep back and forth conversation about work we are doing with a new external agency partner. He pushed back on a statement I made, and I felt he was challenging me. It has dawned on me in the past that he seems to like to challenge me. So I felt I had to stand up for what I believe, which made me angrier.

Then on a global call with multiple teams and team members, he openly disagreed with me, which made me very uncomfortable. So it appeared as though we don't align to the other teams on the call.

I proceeded to have a challenging day at work.

Then when I got home, I accidentally dropped a six pack of beer and broke two bottles of beer which spilled all over the front hallway. It was one of those days.

Now today I've woken up feeling exhausted, depleted, and defeated. 😔 I don't even want to start today. I want to lie in bed and watch tv all day.

I am low energy and am recoiling from life and the world. Still deflated.

So, on the heels of my HR issue with my boss, I'm realizing there are also issues between myself and her boss who is a male who seems to be full of ego.

He likes to give me a hard time and make me feel uncomfortable. He rarely congratulates my successes and sometimes hasn't even acknowledged a major success of mine. Something is going on there, and the end result is it made me depressed for the last two days.

Today I woke up still discouraged, but determined to move forward. I am not going to let them get the best of me, whatever is going on there with my boss and him.

I am nothing but a hard worker trying to do my best in a highly matrixed, complex organization that does things upside down and backwards.

I get told "not feasible" by our development team on one project and repeat that info on a call, only to have my boss's boss disagree with me on that conclusion openly on the call. I was simply just communicating what I had been told. He has his own way of doing things, and whatever... that's fine, but don't disagree with me while we're on a call in front of other people when we're on the same team - that's really unprofessional.

I am really getting sick and tired of this.

Yesterday I applied for a job that looked appealing to me.

There's an issue gnawing at me about new guy.

It's been a month of seeing each other every weekend. We've been having a lot of fun, going on lots of different kinds of adventures.

This weekend, we have a getaway out of town. We have a hotel overnight, we're going to the beaches out of state, and a double band show tonight out of state.

The one caveat is he has adult kids living at home and he hasn't told them about me yet, nor have I met them yet, and nor have I to visit him in his home. He has always come to my home.

He is concerned about their reaction or possible over-reaction to news about me. I am the first woman he has dated since their mother passed away - his ex - over a year and a half ago. They had broken up before she passed away, a year beforehand, but still, he is very sensitive to her kids' feelings. And because 3 of her adult kids currently live with him, he is very concerned and very careful.

I told him last weekend how I feel. I said I want to be able to visit him at his home at some stage soon to make things more equal between us. But it's a touchy situation given the situation I just described.

He calls it a "failure to launch" - he wants the 3 adult kids out and told them he is selling his home in a year. They now know they must get jobs and move out. Only 1 of the 3 adult kids is working. The other two do nothing, he tells me. They don't work and they don't contribute to the household chores.

I get it that it would feel awkward for me to be hanging around the house on a weekend when these 3 adult kids are all home. I think it would be awkward for everyone.

But I don't know what to do. Keep having him come to my home every weekend? That feels unfair to me - this means I am always hosting, which involves making sure my home is always clean, that the sheets are washed, and that I have enough food and drinks in my home for both of us.

I also have been planning every weekend we've been together. Hosting also has involved me being the one in charge of our weekend plans - where we go, where we eat, what we do. So I have made ALL our plans each weekend, including this weekend getaway.

I need to talk to him about this over the weekend and likely tomorrow after our fun night. I don't want to always be in charge of plans. I don't always want to host him at my home.

This is going to grow old soon.. but it's also only been one month of dating, and we don't know yet if this will turn into something longer-term and more serious... what do I say about this? I know I need to talk to him, but what do I say?

No one is forcing you to have him over?
You both move faster than I ever would?
I would understand his situation completely, I am glade you see how uncomfortable it would be for all.
I think its great he is giving his kids a year to get their **** together!
Enjoy what you can, I dont see anything bad. You dont feel like cleaning the house, dont!
Dont make a relationship such hard work, go with the flow. You sure have on some things, just not all.

We want to see each other that often. Yes, I suppose it is moving rather quickly, but it's not like we've declared that we're soulmates or declared love to each other. It's been one month. We're both 54 years old. We've been around the block a few times. When you're older, you know yourself better, what you like and dislike, need and don't want or need. We like spending weekends together. It's not the whole weekend. I reserve a day and a night to myself as well.

Regarding the situation with his kids - you have a good point, and I won't push it. But I don't know how long this will last. I don't want to only host him every single time. Like I wrote, it will eventually grow old.

Yea, Im 62 things are far different! lol
Think its great your still living life.
I gave up a long time ago. I just keep things simple.

A month isn’t a very long time.

Still, if he is interested enough to see you every weekend, maybe one of these weekends he could invite you over for dinner, just for dinner, to meet people.

Why can’t he plan the activities half of the time? What does that have to do with who is hosting?

@Bill3, you're right, a month isn't very long. He could invite me over for dinner, though that's a 2.5 hour round trip drive for me just for dinner.

He could plan activities, and that's my point. Just because I'm hosting doesn't mean I have to plan every weekend, but that's how it's been. I mention a band I'm seeing, and he's like, oh, I'll join you, or I invite him along to see a band. Or, I tell him I want to go to the beach next weekend, and he's like, ok, great, let's go!

Maybe he's not a planner. I noticed this weekend that he left all decisions up to me. Where we ate, when we ate, if we left the beach, if we left the band early, when we headed home. Everything was my decision. Maybe he's just very easy going and goes with the flow, or maybe he doesn't like to. make decisions or plan very well. I don't know yet.

I dealt with my boss and her boss on a call yesterday and felt very uncomfortable. My boss's boss rattles me, and I think he knows it. I tried to answer his questions clearly, but I don't think I made any sense. I was not articulating clearly. When I got off the call and said out loud to myself what I was trying to articulate on the call, I was able to articulate my thoughts very clearly, so it became obvious to me that I do get rattled by him, which is unnerving. I have to learn how to not be rattled. I worry that they think I cannot articulate. In my annual review, my communication skills were called out as being something to work on and develop. UGH.

I admitted to my closest colleague that I want to leave the company - I told her the writing is on the wall. Based on her responses to me while I vented today, it's clear she thinks it's a mismatch. But it's a good match for her, which is kind of annoying to me. I wish it were a good fit and I wish I didn't want to leave.

My boss's boss, who often rattles me, made it clear to me for the second time that to get anything done in the company, you have to know someone. Which is a ridiculous way to do business, in my opinion. No, there should be clearly defined systems and processes in place to get things done - not a who you know sort of thing.

This company is run so backwards, it's pissing me off. I came home today in a bad mood as a result.

I've applied for a couple jobs, without a response.

My boss's boss clearly doesn't care for me, and my colleague is encouraging me to leave the company. And I know my boss can't stand me either - I went to HR about her.

How do I continue to show up at work and smile, working under these conditions?!?!?!?

Its not a work requirement to smile. You know, nose to the grind stone?
Keep your head down, do your work and when you get out, got out and socialize.

Happy to hear your looking. Thats good because that is optimistic!

If all of a sudden you quit, then what? You will have to scramble to get a job. Right now you are in the driver seat. Something comes up grab it.

A paycheck makes life easier and less stressful. Try not to add undo presser on yourself. Keep up the good work!

Thanks.... at this company, you have to smile, or else people will talk.

I just got connected to someone on LinkedIn at our top competitor company. I had reached out to this person to ask about employment with his company. Fingers crossed he writes back to me with good news!!! Maybe there is an opening on their team there. I would be THRILLED!