[MuddyBoots]

I'm addicted to abusing myself. I've been psych inpatient over 30 times (a few involuntarily admitted) and I'm not even 30 years old. Dx'd with BPD, bipolar, ADHD, an eating disorder (has fluctuated throughout the years back and forth between bulimia and anorexia, right now mostly AN-R stuff), (C)-PTSD, and substance use disorder (clean from everything 2 months).

I've been in therapy (regular talk therapy, DBT, some kind of cult group thing, SMART recovery), on meds, out of therapy, off meds, I've moved around, I've tried being independent, I've tried relying on people, I've tried being in a band, I've tried chopping ice until I can't move. I drink water, sleep, shower daily, get outside every day, talk to people.

Possible trigger:

Yet I still feel today I need to make sure I require as many stitches as many pounds heavy I am. I still feel like I have to save all my klonopins until before I talk to anyone from my treatment team just to not be cruel, threatening (towards myself or them), to not concern them to the point I go straight back to the ER after five minutes of speaking. I don't think I've gone more than two days in a row my whole life without having at least fleeting active suicidal ideations. I really can't recall such a time. I feel like I need to get back in touch with an ex that "wasn't good" for me because otherwise I'll be alone forever and that's worse. I feel like I should just get really fking high ASAP and forget I exist just to get through the morning. I feel like I'm permanently damaged. No matter how well the broken jar is reassembled the cracks will always show and it's never going to be as "secure" as one that's never shattered.

Song I have on repeat's lyrics that explain the thoughts:

Possible trigger:

Enslaved by the demons, hung from the noose
I'm in no hurry, how 'bout you?
As I search for the meaning,
hunt for the truth
You aren't worried if I'm any good

When the worst is relieving
when there's no use
Know where I'm heading,
nothing to lose

(CKY-Head For a Breakdown)

[FloatThruThis]

Apologies in advance: nothing I write is going to make living feel worthwhile.

But, I see you on the boards giving others excellent support and advice, and I’m curious what excellent support and advice would you give someone in your situation?

I am sorry for your troubles and I’m glad you’re here!

[unaluna]

I dont like the "im addicted to" trope, like im addicted to bread. It may be a shorthand way of expressing something, but defining a problem correctly is halfway (or more) to solving it.

My last t used to talk about "emotional muscle" (not his coinage) and of course it always made me giggle. :eggplant: My t before that insisted i was an emotional eater. Now i realize they were both right, but jhc it feels impossible to change. Damn lightbulb. You know one time we DID actually change the lightbulb in my last t's hallway? Blew my mind. Talk about a glitch in the matrix

[unaluna]

More thoughts - today i cleared time to take a shower and take out some garbage. I have eaten and exercised and its only one oclock. Its like i have to make sure its not going to hurt.

Thats kinda what the liverdisease guy who talks about addiction says. Dont quit drinking on your own, get help, or else it can hurt you. But we are not accustomed to it not hurting. We do not trust feeling good. Its back to the two wolves, which onne do you feed?

I know my parents anesthetized me with food (and fear, but mostly food) to control me, to shut me up, to immobilize me. To make it easy on them. Why is good so scary?

[MuddyBoots]

I can’t say I’ve been sober anymore.

I don’t think I could give real advice because there’s really no way to make a person want to live. I’d probably just say I understand, you’ve done a good job at staying alive so far so you’re doing something right (it’s at least using the music to cope and providing basics of self care clearly), and the future isn’t set in stone so there’s no telling what good or bad or interesting or boring will happen tomorrow, maybe stick around to find out because we might be surprised.

Good is scary because it’s foreign. It historically usually has a catch, so I expect any positive to be accompanied by at least double the amount if we could quantify in negative. I go for bad because it is straightforward and I get what I ask for, no surprises or letdowns.

What did your t mean by “emotional muscle”?

As for wolves

[unaluna]

Emotional muscle - has to be exercised to be strengthened like any other muscle. I told him it was NOT a valid psychological thought.

Wolf thing is great. Im the first square and done.

Fiddler on the Roof usually restores my will to live. Also Joe Orton and Oscar Wilde. These are not things i share with anybody IRL. Its kinda sad that my appreciation of literature and used to be science fiction was a completely solitary pursuit. Sad and weird. How is it that these things were written just for me and nobody else knows about them?

[MuddyBoots]

If there’s an emotional muscle, that one spasms for me too often, too. I’m not gonna call it “emotional lability,””mood swings,” “splitting,” “panic attacks,” “rage outbursts,” etc anymore, they’re from now on everything will be an “emotional Charlie horse.”

But where is he coming from with that? If you don’t make yourself feel stuff frequently, you don’t feel as strongly when you do? How do I weaken that muscle? because I be strangling myself with it over here.

I’m thinking maybe treating emotions like horses is a better metaphor—learn how to handle them, care for them (it can be expensive! And more expensive if you screw up!), break them, ride them, etc. because unlike muscles, my emotions don’t deteriorate/break down/disappear when I don’t “use” them. If anything, lack of emotion (eventually) leads to too much emotion later. Like someone who hasn’t had protein or moved in a month just managed to beat the shyt out of Chuck Norris.

[unaluna]

Google it. Theres a book by jack and kelly novick (tt's friends). A long excerpt is available.

I was raised to be pretty stoic, betw the italian parents and catholic church and being a girl. Stoic in the sense of "go away dont bother us." So it was dont feel, dont cry, dont DO - literally just go sit on the couch (and read). So no interaction, no connection, no talking. Just butt muscle, no emotional muscle.

I think you and i are jack spratt and his wife here.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

My latest "worth living" and suicide prevention thing is this music:

[MuddyBoots]

I’m not sure if what you pisted was just underlined but it’s acting as broken links, so not sure if you were trying to link Piano Concerto no. 2, but since you said he had the biggest span, I figured it was probably Rachminoff’s concerto you mentioned. Dude’s hands were wild. I can get from a 1 to a sharp 9, maybe a couple times I could get a 10 cleanly(probably in like the key of D, A , or something further along the circle of fifths (or one of those enharmonic minor keys) so it’s a sharp and easier anyway) when I do all my hand exercises first on a good day, on a bad day I’m barely safe to get an octave.

Anyway, I have learned of the concept and purpose of the v-codes and my therapist stressed I had a lot—less now (and they may not have even added the one about stresses of living alone because of how this is practically supportive housing, I think it’s technically transitional, but some people stay like 20 years), but still more v-codes than I’m assuming most of my relatively economically healthy region of many property owners living with families or partners that don’t stress them to the limits with careers would if they got into treatment.

I do hate how lonely I feel. I get out and talk to people daily, almost always more than just my treatment team even, but I’m at a point I’m so afraid to get attached and hurt again that I don’t feel present in the relationships. I know tons of people do care, they show that, I see it, but I don’t feel safe emotionally acknowledging that. I hate that I intellectually know not everyone hates me, it’s feels so much safer and more comfortable to convince myself people either are indifferent or are going to hurt me.

Damn I gotta take these 3am posts to therapy with me (probably only the sober ones will make good discussions. Last night’s might get me an IEA—I know damn well they will refuse to let me go voluntarily if I did that tomorrow night and showed those Tuesday.)

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Yes, you figured out it was RACHMANINOFF.

I always knew about the span but only recently learned about the depressions in his life.

[MuddyBoots]

I get the feeling most musically inclined people have some kind of mental health disorder or fall under the "neurodivergent" category at the least.

I mean to know music, to make great music, and to play great music it helps to understand a lot on the wide breadth human emotions, have some obsessive, compulsive, or perfectionistic tendencies, and something you want to run from so you can run towards mastering your instrument.

[unaluna]

But what is the magic that transforms fingers playing notes to FEEEEELINGS emanating from an instrument?

[MuddyBoots]

That is gratefulness for the ability to make the melody (or harmony, or both depending on the instrument and position within a band/orchestra) coming out as passion, energy, and sentiment.

There’s this whole field of music psychology going into why minor keys make us cry and why the use of pentatonic major scales make us dance and just why humans just get so much out of these certain waves vibrating our cochlear hairs.

[unaluna]

Oh! Like those youtube videos where they play classical tunes of a minor key to infants and those babies just start crying. You see the feelings pass over their poor little faces.

[MuddyBoots]

Yup! Exactly. It’s weird because every natural minor key has the same notes as a major key a step and a half above it. So something in A minor can look at first glance on sheet music like it’s in C major which is one of if not the most popular music key for example.