over and over......................

Same old post over and over it feels. I handle a lot IRL. At times my postum notes are way to full. "postum notes being worries" Most of mine belong to the kids. My sister. A few belong to me. Those i put last "not at the center". I just feel the need to post like everyone else right now. Even now feeling guilty I am. That I can not be super strong and keep it to myself.
Phone rings last night. Its my sister. "of course" her voice the worst I have heard it. So we start the questions. Whats wrong? Whats going on?
The answer is "her answer is" its the 16 mth anniversary. I am thinking real fast threw my head. Crap what ann. Who died on this day? She finally says 16 mths of being sober. I think phew. Ok ...why are you sad then? I knew from that point this is not going well. Her voice reminded of the day she was going to harm herself. which was 16mths ago. I suck in air and think please not now "in my head"
I remained calm on the phone. I was in chat at one point of her conversation. I said gotta go sister on phone.
It ended being she was out of money. Most of her food. She had over bought or spent. Always the same thing. The whole time shes saying she does not want help. But along with the talking shes going on about no food. How depressed she is. How much she had screwed up. Her voice still being like my dads. Low key. And i know that voice. She went to AA last night which is a good thing. She came back home called me still the same voice on the phone. Telling me they had given her cookies."shes 45 minutes away from me" By this time of my own choice the guilt sets in. What guilt I do not know. Guilt I have food?
Guilt , just plain guilt?
She knows I will fix it cause the guilt eats at me. I can not leave her with out food. She was here on easter. Got her stuff then. Why did she not tell me then. I got her a hard line phone this week. So bill would be cheaper.
I am starting to ramble as always. sorry.........Ended up I assured her things would be ok. "for her" that left me with aniexty. i thought I had under control. Untill at 2;30 am i woke up in pain. If i get to far stressed I get pain in my stomach. Which is silly. i know what it is. i know its a panic attack of sorts. So i get up. Sit at the dinning room table thinking please make it leave, Please oh please make it go.
I could have got on comp or called someone. I just thought good greefff. Finally it left. Or i fell asleep. Not sure which came first.
I of course made arrangements to get money to her today. Cause I have to have that stress gone. She of course was happy. By the way on her way out to go with her friends. They were buying her lunch.
Yes I know it was the wrong thing to do. But i can not leave her with out food. Nor can I handle the guilt. Why guilt cause i have food. IDk ........................
All as I know is she has to take control of her life . cause i can not handle the stress. It makes my stomach in knots. For pete sakes shes older.
I do not want to have to deal with this anymore.....................................
So i wrote this around 12 today. my daughter has since taken the money to her. She was not home. Daughter left it on her table. My daughter being the tough cookie she is . Looked in my sisters cupboards. Guess what full of food. Freezer full. Frig full.
This leaves me with being up part of the night and feeling like a fool............How naive can I be.................Plus I had to work today.......good greeff

Muffy, you're a caring and trusting soul. You should be proud of yourself for that. Your sister is an alocholic, but just being sober does not mean that she is by any stretch emotionally healthy or honest. I'm an alocoholic myself, and no the difference between being not drunk and really sober and I can be manipulative with the best of them if I want to.

Have you ever thought of going to an Alanon meeting? They're for friends and family's of alcoholics. I was at a joing AA Alanon conference and heard a husband and wife speak about their respective experiences in AA and alanon. I have a lot of respect for alanon and know it helps thousands of people. It might help you learn to set some boundaries with your sister so that you're not taken advantage of.

Take care of yourself.

---splitimage

((((((((((((muffy))))))))))))

i can understand how the worry over your sister having no food can set in guilt and make you do what your think is right

hope your daughter took the money as she left

(((((((((((((muffy))))))))))))))

Survivor guilt. Watch "Ordinary People" again.

Thanks to your daughter you have a little guilt protection; you can do things on your terms, check first before you give, say "I'll see what I can do" and know you'll follow through with seeing what you can do because you are that kind of person; you may not be able to count on your sister but you can count on muffy, she'll do what needs doing. Logically, your sister is not going to starve in one evening? So, the next day is okay for checking things out, in the daylight, cabinets open, etc.

But start helping her when she's there. No helping on your turf; she needs help with her money/bills, she can make an appointment when you come to her place and work on her problems; no going out with friends while muffy is up, anxious all night! Offer to bring her food next time instead of money, see how she "reacts". Even offer to bring her some of your food, see if she can't develop either a little guilt of her own or have the decency to be embarrassed to pull stuff on you like that.

Her choices are hers. Treat her like a child if she insists on acting like one, give her children's choices, but on your terms, not hers.

(((((((((((((( muffy ))))))))))))))

Wish there was something I could say that would help you...((((((((((Muffy)))))))))))
You are a loving caring person and I hope your sister stops taking advantage of you!!

(((((((((((((( muffy )))))))))))))))))

I know the guilt so well....it is hard to get rid of. But there is a way to do it hon.

We do not have to step in and hand out money to solve other's problems. I think one of the best things we can do is help the person to think about other avenues to find the supports they need instead of reaching out to the ones who jump straight into their problems to fix them.

We can ask them what do they think they can do to help themselves? Like in your sisters situation....Are there some food banks she could go to for some food? How about some local churches that normally help folks out? How about going to the city/town welfare department? Maybe speaking to her case manager (if she has one) for assitance?

By giving her some things to think about and decide what to do, it gives the issue back to her to solve and takes it out of your lap. You have assisted her by helping her verbally and supportively....saying things such as, "wow, I know how difficult it is for you...I sure hope you can find some help in the ideas I've helped you to think of." and leave it at that. You DON'T have to offer monetary help.....

I'm sorry you felt bad enough that you are in pain and lost sleep over this. (((((((( muffy ))))))))))

Just some thoughts....I could be all wet here...LOL



sabby

I do not think that you need to feel guilty sabby.

I have lived a life that has caused me to need help from the government and family and friends. I do envy them sometimes, I mean why did I have to be this way, why is it me and not someone else or no one else. I can say absolutely that I appreciate kind hearts such as what you describe with your sister and all that you help her with. I hope your sister can see her lifestyle is hurting the ones that she loves; she needs to hit her own low of existence a painful and lonely place where people either perish or come back. I believe all addicts in recovery know that place; many even refer to it as Hell.

Your stability might inspire her to be stable too.

God bless and you will be in my prayers..

Maybe what you're feeling is not guilt. It may be despair. Part of you may be feeling like a sucker. You love your sister, but you didn't sign on to be her mother. Maybe you've heard of tough love. But that could backfire. What if you didn't help and she hurt herself? Could you live with that guilt?

These are the questions that I ask myself every time someone asks me to rescue them.

When I wasn't there for my dad, he finally started taking care of himself. When I wasn't there for my mother, she started calling my husband at work. When I wasn't there for my sister, she made herself crazy and ended up in the psych ward.

I have an answering machine on my phone to protect myself. I love these people, but they are energy vampires.

I hope you find peace and comfort. You deserve it.

((((((muffy))))))

Just wanted to say you are in my thoughts. You are stronger than you think. You have a big heart and hope you take care of you. Sabby had some good ideas. People have to be willing to help themselves to receive help. Sometimes it is hard but it is a lesson we sometimes have to learn. Know that I love you and send you good thoughts.

cami

((((splitimage))))))
Thank you for being so open. I never thought of this just being the way she is. I always blamed it on her just being helpless. Assuming is never good.
"manipulative" very good word
Our closest Alon is a pretty far away. But your right
the good news is this will not happen again. ty
I really respect you being honest ty
muffy

((KJ)))))))))))))) as always ty

(((kathy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are always here for me thank you
thank you for talking to me yesterday
(((((((kathy and dec)))))))))))))))))))))00

((((perna)))))))))))))))))))))))
I did not go to the next day. Well sent daughter as I was working. My only thought was how can I have so much and her so little. At the time I should have remembered she choose this not me.
Then not let my mind go from that voice to the day 16 mths ago when she was going to hurt herself.
Her voice sounded the same.
Trust me this will not happen again. Had her cupboards been empty it would have been a different story.
I will no longer be a codepent "spelled wrong maybe"
This has been a on going cylce with her for over 7 years, It ends now...........shes sober . SHe has food stamps, a money card. Free ins. Free meds. Free Ts. And they want to send her to college. I hope she goes. I pray she makes it.
They pay her rent now. I just do phone and cable.
This all ends now.
I will now be just a sister
No longer the mom
muffy

((((((((((((fuzzy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((beth))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((SAbby))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Everything you said so true
I put this on a postum note
"We can ask them what do they think they can do to help themselves"

She choose this. & years back with the choice of doing coke.
No more money. Unless its something really bad.
no more me jumping. The other night did it. Sounds mean. But you guys are right.
Theres more to the whole.story. To hard to type.
But i can no longer do this with her. ITS not my fault.
Nor should my daughter have to run everytime.
hummmmmmmmmmmmm
smiles the sheep
muffy

(((stig))))) thank you for your prayers

(((Doh2007 )))) your right it is despair
"energy vampires."
so true ty
muffy

((((((((((((camilionwords1truth ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
thank you. You made me smile when i saw your post
love you too
your very wise and a good person
muffy

((((((((((((( muffy ))))))))))))))

This is a huge process you are going through....learning how to do the self care that you need and learning how to set the boundaries that your sister so desperately needs. The fact that you are reaching out....questioning....learning.....it's all good! You will find what works for you

Remember, in this thing we call life....we always get what we need. It may not be what we think we want, but is always what we need. This applies to your sister as well as you

Much love & respect to the sheep!
sabby

(((((((((muffy))))))))))))))) im sorry

((((((sabby)))))))))))))))) I agree
I was taken for a ride i must say imo
this time
ty for caring

((((((((court))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
ty but never be sorry not your fault
gave you a long hug

((((muffy)))))

I know so well what you are going thru. I know the guilt, the frustration, the anxiety....and ugh, the exhaustion. I am the fixer, the rescuer or whatever you want to call it in my family as well. I too, have had to learn to set boundaries, not just for others, but for myself.

You are right in your title, it is over and over. It's a cycle, a pattern of behavior. I know it is hard. It is painful to see ones we love suffer (even when we know it's their own fault). It took me years to see what was happening to me and the effects on my family (marriage, my son) because I was allowing others to dump their lives in my lap when things went wrong.

Sabby's advice here is wonderful! It is exactly what my T had to teach me to do. And it's not easy always to follow thru with. But it will get easier. In the end, you and your sister will both be better off because of it.

PM me anytime you like. I know what it's like. I've been there. And somedays, I'm still there.

recluse1