[lenjan]

I wanted to post this as an example of why PC's "supportive posts only" rule works.

I am newly dx'd diabetic. I am MAD AS HELL about it. Mostly I am mad at myself, which I am already very good at, because it was entirely preventable. Partly I am mad because I am already sick to death of doctors, and of spending a huge portion of my not-all-that-large income on meds, and now I have even more to contend with -- not to mention that I now have to plan every little thing I do or eat in excruciating detail, which is totally not in sync with my lifestyle.

I went looking for support groups, and found one that looked reasonably welcoming. I read several pages of posts, determined what would make for a good intro, and posted one. Here is a portion of the first response I got:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Hi Candy,

I must say, that's quite a name to have when you have foodie
problems. Sigh. Are you Candace? A beautiful name, anyway, either or both! And fairly unusual.

Anyway, welcome to the group.

'Course you're angry, why wouldn't you be? Your bad food habits and sedentery lifestyle (and do you also have family history?) have finally caught up with you. Now you have decisions to make-- what will you use that anger-energy for? You can wallow and do the pity party thing, you can rail and cry and throw things, you can simmer and stew and plot revenge on your poor abused self, but maybe you'll
decide this might just be the wake-up call you needed, and through this you'll (slowly but steadily) be able to straighten up your poor sick self and reach for some health. I hope you'll decide for the latter.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Folks -- when someone bares themselves to you and asks for support and help -- this is not the way to respond.

Kudos to all, mods/admin and members, who help keep PC a warm and welcoming place.

Candy

[Doh2007]

Wow. That's cold. I'm really sorry you're sick. Thanks for the reminder to be supportive.

[sabby]

((((((((((((((((( candybear ))))))))))))))))

Good grief......if that's the individual's way of motivating/greeting someone they have a lot to learn. Has it made you think twice about being a member of that group? Maybe you could stick around and show them what real positive support is all about

I'm sending you good thoughts and hopes that you find your way through this new dx. I struggle with it myself.....I know what you are going through. Hang in there hon....


sabby

[pachyderm]

Check my latest post!

[SweetSunshine]

(((((((((((((( Candy)))))))))))))) I'm sorry that this person wasnt nicer to you. Little do they know the problems you've had in your life that lead to emotional eating . Some people just dont care how they word things or to really read and have insight to what the persons gone thru.We know your a wonderful person and this diabetes is not your fault. You didnt ask for it. I understand the fear you have . I've seen loved ones go thru it and its not easy. You did nothing wrong in seeking help and support. I hate it that it wasnt given to you with caring and consideration.

Big hugs and kudo's to you for reaching out. I Hope in spite of this negative response.. you'll continue to do that for yourself.

Luv ya
Bethy

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((candybear)))))))))))))

[Irine]

What was so bad about that respond ?

I thingk it`s smart

We are not always aware of the fact that we DO HAVE A CHOICE of the way we react, and that we also have a choice of what to do and where to turn our reactions...

I think that the post you copied adn pasted was quite wise and in this way supportive.

It wasn`t harsh

Help me guys to figure out what`s worng with it!
It just had some humor in it about your usename....
Strange,,i ma considered to be SEISITEVE

I guess there are people even mor sensitive than me...

[lenjan]

Well, when someone comes to you and says "wow, I'm new to this, and I have a lot of questions, and I'm angry and scared and I'd like some support and help," you don't tell them how badly they've effed up their life -- you offer them the support and help they asked for. Or you should, anyway.

I revealed a lot in my intro that I normally wouldn't, and I got slammed. I thought the remark correlating my food issues with my name was especially rude and heartless, given that it's a great source of shame and pain for me and I said as much. I also mentioned my mental health issues in my intro, and this same person went on to tell me how her sister died of bipolar after spiraling into self-pity. Do you consider *that* wise and helpful? I don't. It just added to my sense that this person is clueless.

Basically, there is no need to jump people who take a risk by reaching out.

Hope that helps.

CB

[Conquistador]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ladymacabethadmunsen said:
What was so bad about that respond ?

I thingk it`s smart


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

My girlfriend works with two autistic brothers. She has told me about how the older one tends to have a habit of telling gruesome stories and talk about killing other children at school. She has given him feedback in order to help him gain some ability to censor himself. The other day he told her about how some other kid (supposedly 'normal') at school said to him, "your stories ruin everything!"

She thought that was very insensitive of the child. My response to her was, "well, it is true, though," because I remembered her telling me about how inappropriate he had been with her. She still got a bit mad at me for saying that. I could have phrased it better.

Perhaps diabetes is genetic, perhaps you did not have control over acquiring it. It is unfortunate. If someone was paralyzed from playing a sport that he really liked, would you go up to him as he sat in his wheel chair and say, "f*** you for paralyzing yourself. What a stupid choice you made. Now you can see the error of your ways." Of course you wouldn't. Well, I hope you wouldn't.

So to make a bashing response to someone who is seeking support is not insensitive, it just serves to reinforce negativity towards those we perceive (usually incorrectly) as 'weak'.

ladymacbeth is fortunate, though, because her poorly written response, rife with spelling and syntax errors, causes me to not take her very seriously in the first place.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Candy ))))))))))))))

[Lenny]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Conquistador said:
ladymacbeth is fortunate, though, because her poorly written response, rife with spelling and syntax errors, causes me to not take her very seriously in the first place.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I am confused Conquistador???

How is Ladymaceth fortunate?

Your conclusion about her writing skills may be a bit unfair..English is not her first language,,I know I would have a difiicult time with Hebrew...

IMHO.

Lenny

[mssumom]

Candy

I was so sorry to read this when I logged on here this morning. I wish I had some great advice or some wisdom but I don't.........just a willing ear to vent to when you want. I'm glad to be back at PC and hope we can pick up where we left off when I had to leave. Remember I'm here for you email me anytime and again I'm sorry for your diagnosis, let me know if there is anything I can do.

(((((((((((Candy))))))))))))

Love ya,
Lori

[Liberada]

what an *******. *sigh* ((((((candybear))))))

[RozG]

((((Candybear))))

i'm sorry that person was so insensitive in their reply...

please know diabetes runs in my family so i do understand all the ins and outs...and please know you're free to pm me any time you need or want an extra friend.

peace, love, hugs,
roz

[KathyM]

Candybear

I'm sorry you were treated that way, but OMG that was hilarious! Looks like you stumbled into an S&M support site.

I have plenty of friends whose lives have been turned upside down by diabetes. My mother had diabetes, and I used to give her insulin shots. Hers was very much under control with insulin and diet, but I know it's not that easy. Her life had to revolve around food, with everything calculated, yet she was not able to eat the foods she wanted. Seemed like a cruel trick of nature to me.

I benefited from her pain. I learned to appreciate and respect food. She used to tell me "you should HAVE a diet, not be ON a diet - and moderation is the key." She taught me that food is fuel, and to focus on it's performance rather than taste. As a result, I learned to love broccoli - though I still can't stand lima beans.

I hope you'll be able to savor the foods you are allowed to eat in the amounts allowed, to the point where it's no longer in the forefront of your mind. I hope you'll be able to fall into a rhythm of maintaining your blood sugar without as much interruption to your life. Most of all, I hope you'll be able to maintain your health for as long as possible.

[gardenergirl]

Lenny, thanks for offering support and information in your post here.

Candybear, what an awful introduction to a support group. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I'm sorry about your diagnosis. My husband deals with diabetes every day, and I know it's an extra burden. On the other hand, that's a great example to post about support. I'm glad you did.

gg

[Irine]

Hey guys don`t take it wrong

I undertand how you may feel about it candyear and i am sorry you are going through this crap i know that it sucks,

Yeah i have some mistakes but most of them i think are more typing than spelling. Because when i write i have them less mistakes both in HEBREW AND English

You see i am sorry you got hurt because of those words. that poster said..i donno maybe if that was directed at me it was different. Maybe i woudl feel the way you did. Of course as you may figure out you may aviod posting personal things

But just don`t see A LOT of real offence in ths post.

I agree that if you are feeling junded and such you don`t want to do that again. I went to a forum where i posted something like:

how do you attract replys to your post? because no 1 ever responded

i worte i lones i felt and "who gives a %#@&amp;#! about me?! and this is what i wrote. some wrote hugs and some wrote
and one of the unseweres was:
"so what? i too have topics which never get unswered. Don`t give it much of a meaning" something like that. and people told that poster she was harsh, However i even got some friendly PMs with that person and she turned out to be a warm nice woman...

There are people who are blunt. You never know if they are really that bad and careless, but i agree that if you are feeling that way and i am again sorry for you and wish you all the best for your health...that it`s not a good idea to scare you with deathstories..i don`t know...whatever that poster told you

See guys the facts that i didn`t see that offence and JUST ASKED what was it doesn`t mean i am judgmental about candybear - your feelings in response or your eating habbits.

It just shows how people are DIFFERENT and that`s o.k.

I am in no way meaning to hurt and despise you. My granfather is diabetic and i see what it is. I know that it`s all hard and it`s all pianful to have such issues in your health that are limmiting you

So don`t see me as some moster you who said (Lady macabeth is fortunaate that i don`t take her that serious)
If it annoys you the of course don`t I am not offended for that

But i didn`t mean to say anything bad, Now candybear i see why you ar feeling that way after you explained. that was a simple naive question

I just say that the "smart" part of the post was that we DO have responsibility in WHATEVER we are doing in life. Blame and shame and judgment are NOT part of the issue. But responsibily is the only way to UNDERSTAND that you CAN CHANGE THINGS

I suges to you candybear that you love yourself and BE jentle to yourslef and take care as much as you can to get out of it if it`s possible.

What is optimistic and we never see when we feel victims (scared terrified sad in pain and STUCK in it etc.) we don`t see. that everytihng is IN OUR HANDS adn we are able to chage it.

I agree that genetics and such are not. But you CAN keep your health better and it may get better and maye then when your sugar level is fine you can even eat some candy

I wish you all the best

There are people who DON`T POST ANYTHING personal inline and sometimes i consider it a good idea

anyways you just wanted to say that YOU KNOW ME and i am a particulary naive person and ANYBODY can have different undersding of things. it`s fine people don`t HAVE to see thing the same way

hugs

[SerenitysWave]

(((((candybear))))))) I too felt the reply to your intro was cold and not very supportive... There is a way to make a point that may not be considered the popular vote of responding in a way that is a least senstive... IDK... not sure I explained that well... but I know I would probably not return to that forum had it been me receiving such a welcome...

[(JD)]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Looks like you stumbled into an S&M support site

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I'm wondering how this would have happened and how you might know about it but I won't go there...and just chuckle along with you.

Well, more of my 2 cents... IF you had been there a long time they still wouldn't have sent this type of email to you, because they would know you...so why send it to someone they don't even know yet???

[KathyM]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SerenitysWave said:
I know I would probably not return to that forum had it been me receiving such a welcome...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Unless you put on some asbestos underwear first - a Viking Helmet and shield might be in order too.

[lenjan]

Hey hey now, I'm a Packer fan -- no Vikings attire of ANY kind here!

Seriously, thank you everyone, and thank you ladymacbeth for your explanation. I do agree we all have choices, and I have made some bad ones over a very lengthy period to get myself here. I might have accepted it better if the person had phrased it a bit more gently, but as it stands I still don't think it was an appropriate reply to someone who had asked for support. And I did indeed leave the group.

The problem I have with it, is that it blames the person with the illness. Now, some of the facts are true, but almost every illness we know has behavioral factors associated with it. Cancer, diabetes, mental illness, heart disease, sexually transmitted diseases, etc etc etc. All have a behavior component to them.

Blaming someone for their illness or not taking their meds or engaging in the behavior that may have caused the illness does nothing but hurt and from all the scientific evidence DOES NOT MOTIVATE CHANGE.

What motivates health behavior changes is support and education about the illness and ways to improve it. For example, many times cardiac patients have dietary support, physical activity support and walking clubs in the hospital, support from physical therapist, and education about cardiac problems. We don't blame them for having had bypass surgery....we try to motivate them through positive support.

You have alot to deal with and learn. I suggest looking into support groups that can help as you make the necessary changes you need to.

[PasDeDeux]

I am sorry you were hurt by her reply on that site but maybe she was just trying to be light by joking on the name? As to the rest of what she had to say, yes she could have been easier but we all do not speak or post the same. I read in her post someone who was TRYING to encourage you to take the anger and channel it towards losing weight ans some bad habits you may have posted you had. I do know stress can kick your blood sugar up. Can you try WebMDs medical boards? They seem to be very supportive.

I think we all have had non-supportive posts posted to us. I know I have even on here...I guess that is just life.
Anyhow I wish you luck, I bet getting the blood sugars in control will help your moods. My daughter is diabetic so I kind of know.....

[Timgt5]

((Candybear))) I am so sorry you had such a rough experiance there. I understand the sentiment behind the post you sighted, but it was worded very badly and was indeed insensative to you as a person. We should never attempt to judge others until we get to know them. Not everyone fits a mold or sterotype, in order to really help someone we have to get to know them a bit. That person without knowing your circumstances in life was really out of line.

I hope none ever acts that way toward you here in PC

Take care

TJ

[Irine]

Hey how interesting that i have found something online that may ..well this is REALLY something to think about!

(Of course that doesn not say it`s good to be ill..lol)

"On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...

...that illness is not a sign of spiritual weakness, but of

spiritual strength.

When we fall ill there are some who will say, "Why

did you create that for yourself?" They might convince

you to see it as a sign of spiritual weakness or failure.

It is not. It is a sign of spiritual strength.

All challenges are a sign a spiritual strength, and of

the readiness of the Soul to move on; to evolve even

further.

Love, Your Friend....
Neale Donald Wlasch

(Outhor of "Conversations With God")