[SweetCrusader]

And I don't know WHY. I just sent the following in an email to my T, but she won't be able to respond soon and I could really use some help right now if possible. So I'm posting it here:

I can't stop feeling like everything is wrong and I've done something horrible and irreversible. It's eating at me all day and keeping me awake at night. I feel afraid of everything and everyone right now, like I can't do anything and should never even leave my bedroom or attempt to interact at all with the world. Because I'll just screw things up worse. I really want someone to just talk to me and maybe hold me so I can feel like something is ok, but there is nobody to talk to. Besides, I probably sound so crazy and I will make "it" worse if I talk to someone. I don't know what it is, but I feel so screwed up inside the last couple of days. Like I did something just horribly wrong. I keep wanting to do something to fix it, but there is nothing to do that can fix it, because I don't even know what "it" is. I keep apologizing because I keep hoping I can fix whatever it is if I just apologize enough to everyone, everywhere- ya know, like a general apology to the universe for being me. Me- a horrible thing with nothing but badness. I don't know what's wrong, or what to do about it. I feel like NOTHING is ok, and nothing EVER will be ok because something is fundamentally wrong and it's not fixable. And because it's so permanently a part of me, it's just going to get worse and worse the more I try to fix it. But what IS IT, already? It just won't let me be. I feel like I should just give up on everything because I am eternally flawed and cannot cope with that feeling. It is so overwhelming.

What do I do?

If you can, please give me some advice

[wisewoman]

Angela, you are frightened. We are all holding you here. Can you feel the comfort? You are not bad, you are human, you are having feelings and I am holding you so tight right now. In fact, I am giving you a smother hug like Jane always gave to me. You are okay, please just know that and feel the feelings you are having and reach out to us. Feelings are so weird when they catch us off guard huh?

[jbug]

I don't know what to say but I want you to know I am thinking of you and give you big bug hugs.

Janniebug

[SweetCrusader]

Thank you

[misty]

(((((((((((((Angela)))))))))))))))) I have had the exact same thing happen to me. I don't know why it happens but it is one of the most awful feelings. You are not bad and more than likely you have not done anything wrong and even if you did we are all human everyone makes mistakes. You are ok really! Breathe in slowly breathe out slowly. You don't sound crazy to me I know the feeling so well and it keeps me away from people if I let it. So glad that you are talking about it. Don't try to figure it out. You are a wonderful lady!!!!!!! So kind, gentel understanding, good listener and have helped us out so much!!!! Hang in there! Praying for you now.
mlyn

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((angela))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i feel an urgency to get this to you. i know so much what you're going through. it's such a miserable (lack of a better word, because there's really not one to explain the agony and sorrow) feeling and experience. i'm holding so close and so safe right now. you are so special to me and just an awesome, wonderful person. say that outloud please if you can, it will help more.

angela, when i've done this...for years i never knew why nor could i see any correlation to anything in my current life. however, now when it happens i can see that something (even very small) has sparked it and it snowballs quickly. usually it's something as simple as someone acting condescending towards me, critisizing me, or accusing me. when that happens, it brings out all of the internal blaming and beratement. did something similar happen with you? an accusation, beratement, critical comment? if you can think of anything, pull it out and let's talk about it ok? you need support right now and we can help you with whatever it was that got you here sweetie. you are a good, good, good person. you are smart, sweet, nice, caring...all of the good things in this world wrapped up into our angela.

message me if you need to. i'm sending loving, safe, appreciative, meaningful wishes straight to your being...catch them quick!

love,

kimmydawn

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Angela}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Honey, Sweetheart, I very seriously doubt that you did anything to merit those feelings! You suppose it's just past programing? Maybe it's a combination of anxiety and depression? You know how they can lie to us!

Tell yourself if you can: "I am a good person. I am loved. I am safe in that knowledge. I am going to be okay." Do the deep breathing that someone suggested. Picture yourself in the middle of all of us and we're sending possitive vibes and love your way.

You are wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, loving, caring, understanding and may other things. YOU ARE OK!

[Leslie]

((((((((((((((((((sweet crusader))))))))))))))))))))

I remember feeling the same way you are feeling from time to time. Hopefully a hug can help Thinking of you

Leslie

[SweetCrusader]

Thank you so much everyone. I'm sorry I took so long to reply to the last few messages. I had to go to class (abuse & neglect class ironically).

It was a little thing that triggerred past feelings. I feel ok now, and I know that all of your love has helped me through.

I hope you all know that I love you, and I appreciate your caring for me tonight.

*big hugs* to each and everyone of you, individually.

Much love,
Angela

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Angela}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

So glad you're feeling better, Sweety!

Love ya!

[SweetCrusader]

Thanks. Yeah, I"m much more sane today (And just a tad bit embarassed for freaking out so much lol)

[SeptemberMorn]

No need to be embarrased, Hun. We all do it and we understand.

[Malady156]

yesterday musta been a bad day i was freaking out too and it seemed many i ran into online here & elsewhere were, too.

[SweetCrusader]

must've been. are you doing better today? i hope so

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sorry I wasn't here yesterday but I'm glad you're feeling better today
((((((((((((((((((((Angela))))))))))))))))))))

[SweetCrusader]

(((((Fuzzy)))))

[wisewoman]

Never be embarrassed for being honest and open. Please.

[Malady156]

yes, thank you for asking, i'm doing a lot better. it started breaking up in the afternoon (4-ish? 5-ish?) and dissipated by about 6 pm today. i had about an hour or two where i felt really, really "clear" minded, could think rationally and felt things were good, i even remember looking forward to seeing my son tomorrow and to my daughter coming to visit later this month. now i'm back to my usual semi-displaced fog of half-in/half-out between this world and my world with mismatched affect (? not sure the right term) but NOT a bad place at all, not like yesterday. i remember during that brief "clear" period my emotions were totally connecting with things and felt "right" -- e.g. feeling joy and anticipation, matching the contemplated event, etc. it was probably hypomania but it felt so good! and it was so unexpected too, coming like it did right after that horrible blackness/stiffness/crushingness/locked-up-inside-ness dissolved.

[SweetCrusader]

I'm glad you're doing better. And hopefully you can connect again emotionally to the good feelings related to seeing your son tommorrow and your daughter later on.

Good luck to you!

[Malady156]

i liked that "clear" feeling, it felt so happy and true, i wish i could describe it better. it was literally like clouds parting after a tremendous horrorific storm, calm and clear and bright but not hurting the eyes. will medications give me that? just 4 more days!! till i get to see a pdoc. i want to tell them now about that clear feeling and ask them give me the medication that will let me have more of that. i'm still feeling scared about going though because they will be Unknowns to me, and a long travel there, with so much to navigate ... subway ... buildings ... people ... sounds ... i have to take a cd player with me so i can play music that will help me remember who i am, so i don't accidentally absorb other unnatural components during the travel and chameleon them.

[Mahali]

I am so glad you both are feeling better. I am sorry I did not see your posts sooner to offer my support but I too do not think you should be embarrassed for asking for help, SweetCrusader. I know for sure of one person you have helped in just the last few days...me, and I am sure there have been countless more.

Glad you are feeling better.

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