[MotownJohnny]

Hi, all, I haven't posted here on this forum before. In a nutshell, I was in a day hospital program a year ago, very unhappy, depressed with anxiety after a client threatened to shoot me, which triggered a major bout of PTSD due to my abusive childhood with domestic violence involving firearms. Anyway, the entire experience scared me to death, and I vowed to change all around, re-invent myself in a much better way.

One big thing, I was 60 lbs overweight, eating just junk, drinking a ton of pop. I have gone up and down all of my life, but never went up that much. It was awful, I felt terrible.

So, the day after I got discharged, literally, I joined a gym, hired trainers and a RD, started going to various doctors to get my physical health problems under control. And I did amazingly well, I shed all of the weight, and am getting really fit, working out a lot, doing strength and resistance training as well as a ton of cardio. I looked great, felt great. I was so proud of myself.

I have thrown it all away in the past 3-4 weeks. Eating wrong, skipping workouts or doing a halfhearted measure. My favorite activity of all, cycling, which was my salvation last year, now is really filled with anxiety, I remember all of the bad things from a year ago that were happening.

And I'm not sure why exactly the self-sabotage? I know I hate myself most of the time, feel like the scum of the earth. I have been immersed in terrible memories the past month, worse than "normal" which is bad enough. My anxiety and depression is back, not as bad as last year, although I have had some pretty dark thoughts in the past week or so.

Emotional eating, there is some of that for sure, it does comfort. Slow-motion suicide, I kind of think so.

[worthit]

Good for you for changing your whole lifestyle. But that might be the problem. You changed everything all at once. I've been a certified personal trainer since 1987 and know you probably went in full throttle. Its hard to keep that going, the body gets bored, you want to "cheat" on your eating. That's all Normal. Now it's time to change up the workout, try the Elliptical instead, or run on the treadmill.
After slacking off on your workouts you start to feel bad about yourself. This is also Normal. But you're ok, you know you can do it because you've done it before. Say no to negative thoughts and realize you're human and not a bad person. You Can do it. Think of it as a lifelong way of life rather than what's going on now. Talk to your pdoc regarding your thoughts and maybe your meds need to be upped. That's ok too.

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[MotownJohnny]

Yes, I did. And it was a joy of my life, until a few weeks ago. I have been working with 2 trainers 5 hours a week total, plus swimming lessons. The guys are awesome. The cardio is a small group setting, the strength guy is one in one and he is really awesome. I see the dietician regularly. And I have done so well. I was pretty weak when I started, really out of shape compared to my peak in my 20's. could barely lift, couldn't even run, now I can do a 5k and bench 110. I have been doing long rides on weekends, getting really close to doing a century, longest to date 85 miles.

I was looking forward to doing things in the future that would be amazing for me, taking triathlon training, doing a bootcamp program, ultimately taking the Alpha training course. Was. Now I doubt I can get there, and this is all so sudden.

And I now hate myself and am throwing it all away, disappointing everyone. Because I hate myself 1,000 times over. And frankly, I would rather be dead than this miserable.

I saw my pdoc this week, we added Prozac, hope it helps.

[unaluna]

Since your "anniversary" is coming up, have you thought about seeing a therapist or someone to help you through it? I had a weird stroke like thing last year about this time, so I'm a little nervous about it. I'm already seeing a t, but I'm gonna make sure to talk about it. I don't know if this is what's happening to you, but I will like disappear from myself for a while, maybe not see friends, hard to explain what happens, then all of a sudden my weight is up, etc. Right now I'm trying to keep on top of things with a 10 month plan. Maybe you just need somebody to help see you thru the next 6 weeks, a short term therapy, just to get back on track. I'm glad you keep posting here on pc. We're all in this together.

[MotownJohnny]

I see a therapist weekly, have been for the past year. I had previously seen her for almost 10 years on and off, so she knew my history in great detail.

I am going to try for one of my really long rides tomorrow, it gets me away from the local area and the bad memories. I will still find myself thinking about things, but at least not to that level, a change of scenery will help. I want to do the Metro Parkwsy trail to Mt Clemens, I may tackle that or cut down Woodward to the Ferndale area.

[worthit]

Sounds like a good start. That's a plan!

[growlycat]

Your story is pretty inspiring actually. Three or 4 weeks may be a slippery slope, but look at the bigger picture and all you have accomplished!!

I'm at an earlier point in my fitness journey--I've only been at this 6 months and it is slow going for me. I try to do 1.5 hours a day--1 hr treadmill, 20 min elliptical and 10 min bike.

I've missed 3 days this week and I feel awful about it. I have to remind myself that 1.5 hours 4 days a week is way more than the big *nothing* I used to do for my health.

I have a long way to go. Keep posting!! Someone on another post talked about getting a tattoo that means "fall down seven times, get up 8"

[MotownJohnny]

I am mentally better today, don't know if it 's the Prozac or what, but I'm glad. I had a great session with my strength guy this morning, including a jog while holding the 15 K Vipr on my back. I nailed the workout despite having a bad cold and feeling awful.

I'm starting with a new small group tomorrow, different PT, advancing one level. And, today was a very strict food day, roasted chicken, some quinoa, a lot of vegetables, a little fruit.

I'm TRYING. It's all I can do. I came too far to throw it away.

[unaluna]

I made a broccoli salad this weekend with grapes, gucamole, dijon mustard, tofu, onion, and sunflower seeds. It's pretty awful but it gets the job done! I spent a day or so doing housework. I got winded, so I would rest then get back to work. By nighttime I was pretty tired but I accomplished quite a bit. I haven't been physically fit enough to do this much since my little stroke last year. So yay for me. Six weeks of tracking my swimming and walking paid off. I lost a little weight and am more functional. Now to make the transition when my outdoor pool closes. I'm a little nervous.

[MotownJohnny]

Is there an indoor pool you can use? I know how you feel, winter is hard, even with winter sports. Last year, I feared serious cycling withdrawal, so I bought a sand and snow bike with very wide deep-treaded tires, and a new pair of XC skis. It helped, but I still had trouble psyching myself to go out in the cold.

[unaluna]

Yes, there is an indoor pool on the bus line. And I even have a small magic towel! This talking about it is helping.

[MotownJohnny]

What is a magic towel?

[unaluna]

It's a tiny towel that's supposed to absorb a lot of water, then you can squeeze it out. This gym doesnt provide towels. So I dont have to lug around tons of wet laundry on the bus. Ann arbor has great public transportation, but still...

[waggiedog]

Hi everyone, especially Mowtownejohnny (sorry if spelt wrong, I'll visit your page!). Your messages are inspiring me. I've been on a huge downer and given up on everything, the gym which I've attended for nearly a year, the healthy food (Ihave a life long ED) and have also gained a lot of weight in trying to recover from Atypical anorexia. I'm also on psych meds that are known to make you gain weight. This could effect you too. When I was on Prozac I was fine, it helped me a great deal, wish I had it now but Psych Dr says antidepressents don't work??!!! (strange?!). Good luck for today, for it could be the start of the new you again! HUGS. XXX

[growlycat]

I blew it this week with my exercise routine--2 days out of 7, ouch not good.

Will get back on track this week!

[waggiedog]

Hi M.J. It's me and I was meant to get up and go to that gym today. To try and walk through the door after not going for some time ~ kinda like you hun. Well, I haven't gotten there so feel worse. We'll have to make a pact and get to our respective gym's one day. How about it? Hope you are feeling a bit better. HUGS. x

[MotownJohnny]

Absolutely, every day is a new day. Shoot for tomorrow, ok?