this new year's eve has been better than last year

last year, i ate a whole bag of spicy potato chips, a chinese takeaway, and candy

this year i'm only having chicken wings.

the chinese food was tempting, but i decided not too after seeing what i'd eaten in the last few days... sort of puts you off

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I've been eating out way too much and it's killing me financially.

Yes, I just got back from a lunch buffet (local Chinese restaurant) after stuffing myself ans the guilt and sadness set in maybe half an hour ago. I must have spent $150 in the last three months alone on fast food, takeout, and other kinds of eating out. But I can't control myself: in some ways it feels better than snacking all the time.

But I eat too much anyway and still tend to feel out of control. That and overeating just makes me chemically depressed.

continuning from yesterday, i've been pretty good.. only having 1 meal today. (roast chicken)

good start to 2016..

do people still check in here?

so quiet..

suppose that today, things have gone okay in terms of food.

had a small breakfast (about 3 or 4 sausages), and then later had a KFC (but not a big portion)

but that's it

discovered the other day i gained 4 lbs. it wasn't period weight after all, but the pigging out i did over xmas and new years. so that sets me back a bit. i'm really discouraged. i do not want to see the number 272 ever ever again!

then today i ate 3 slices of pizza for breakfast. bad bad bad

however, my mom said she's not making dinner today, so everyone can fend for themselves.
this is the perfect opportunity for me to skip dinner and be good for the rest of the day.

Originally Posted by ennui.

discovered the other day i gained 4 lbs. it wasn't period weight after all, but the pigging out i did over xmas and new years. so that sets me back a bit. i'm really discouraged. i do not want to see the number 272 ever ever again!

then today i ate 3 slices of pizza for breakfast. bad bad bad

however, my mom said she's not making dinner today, so everyone can fend for themselves.
this is the perfect opportunity for me to skip dinner and be good for the rest of the day.

i really, really, want a pizza now. (never had 1 for breakfast)

for breakfast had sausages (about 3 or 4), and a couple biscuits throughout the day

still got dinner to go... toad in the hole (which shouldn't be too big)

[Standup2me]

I've just enough
Things have to change, but I really don't know how

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Need to put this here or it will swirl around in my head all night.

I wish I could be one of those people who doesn't care about food or their bodies. Who are thin because they find eating and other self-care to be chores rather than pleasurable activities. Who forget to eat for days or stop eating despite not being full sometimes because it's boring, or they have more interesting, intellectual things to do. I end up feeling like, by comparison, I'm low and disgusting, little more than a crawling animal with no capacity for *higher* thought, no mental life of any value but is only concerned with her body.

But I remain preoccupied. I eat even if I'm not hungry, or if I'm bored because I'm not interested enough in anything for that long. I think about food sometimes even if I'm thinking about other things. It's like a compulsion at times and I hate it.

[Ponder]

I have started having salads at lunch. I don't like lettuce much although I will eat spinach. I pile my salad box with whatever kinds of veggys I find at the bar...broccolli, cauliflour, peppers, onions, cucumbers, baby tomatoes, sometimes beans, sometimes corn, mozzerella cheeze and sunflower seeds. This is how I get my veggies. It's working for me so far.

weighed today. i've lost 3 of the 4 lbs. i gained. next week i should be under where i left off before i spiraled and gained.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I've been more or less binging for the past few days, just eating all the time despite not being hungry much. It feels awful, being almost always stuffed. Going to try to cut back to normal today.

[LifeGetsBetter]

Went to doctor for six month check up. Gained more weight and blood pressure is high. Feel hungry all the time. Hate what is happening to me.

i only lost 1 lbs.

have not checked in to this thread for a while

trying to eat well (or rather, my standards of eating well) but not really making a good job of it.

mainly because i end up giving in too quickly to food i don't need. but it's their, and i can't help it.

not as bad as it could be though- seeing as it's january and all (and it's a common thing to get rid of all the christmas/ new year food in january)

in between i suppose

could be worse, but could be a whole lot better

it's back to the takeaway food.

wednesday night: takeaway pizza

thursday night: takeaway fish and chips

tonight i'm having takeaway sausages and chips (because friday is chip day anyway), and tomorrow my brother is treating me to a chinese

so yeah.... blah

tasty i know, but not good for me

i just counted, i've lost 7 pounds this january.

i need to push myself. i could do better, i just bingeing and ruining my progress.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

Need to put this here or it will swirl around in my head all night.

I wish I could be one of those people who doesn't care about food or their bodies. Who are thin because they find eating and other self-care to be chores rather than pleasurable activities. Who forget to eat for days or stop eating despite not being full sometimes because it's boring, or they have more interesting, intellectual things to do. I end up feeling like, by comparison, I'm low and disgusting, little more than a crawling animal with no capacity for *higher* thought, no mental life of any value but is only concerned with her body.

But I remain preoccupied. I eat even if I'm not hungry, or if I'm bored because I'm not interested enough in anything for that long. I think about food sometimes even if I'm thinking about other things. It's like a compulsion at times and I hate it.

Found some online acquaintances talking about how some of them consider eating a chore, or have had periods of time with no appetite where they basically had to force feed themselves to eat normally.... and these thoughts kicked in again. I straight-up asked if someone could teach me this attitude and, thankfully, no one's replied.

But I can't help but hate myself for my preoccupation. For my constant boredom eating. For how I jut eat mechanically, with little thought, for something to do. I must have had food flash across my mind at least a dozen times in an hour at one point, and I'm not even hungry! At all! I overate yesterday and don't want anything physically, just mentally! But even illness doesn't stop my routine...

Maybe that's the key, routine. I need to make a routine where eating plays a very small role. I've thought before that scheduling my food intake might fix me, both in terms of weight and control. Idk though.

I do suspect that mental activity is the other solution. Like in the post I required, I kind of look at ignoring the body as a sign of great intellect, because your mind is on higher things so the physical is unimportant, maybe even disgusting. I've encountered people so mentally focused they would sometimes stop eating even if they weren't full because "it's too boring". Whereas I have a compulsion to finish what's in front of me regardless of how full I am or not. And worse, I find eating frequently enjoyable. I don't really want to train myself to dislike eating but I think I have to.

At least I don't have to be as ashamed here.

aaaand too much pizza & beer last night.

i really hope it doesn't show on the scale tomorrow.

there's still pizza left and i'm tempted to get some. but i haven't eaten yet today.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Fasting for the weekend for reasons, but I just watched a video about how an extremely limited raw vegan diet can naturally provide all necessary nutrients, and humans don't need dietary variety. Great. Now I'm going to feel guilty for eating at all. Well, at least that will keep me going for the next day and a half. I'm effing starving too.

It's also occurred to me that I seek to remedy disordered eating....with other "disordered" eating in the opposite direction. Go from eating whenever I feel bored to eating extremely sparingly or not eating at all. Yet I feel like I deserve it.

[waggiedog]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

Fasting for the weekend for reasons, but I just watched a video about how an extremely limited raw vegan diet can naturally provide all necessary nutrients, and humans don't need dietary variety. Great. Now I'm going to feel guilty for eating at all. Well, at least that will keep me going for the next day and a half. I'm effing starving too.

It's also occurred to me that I seek to remedy disordered eating....with other "disordered" eating in the opposite direction. Go from eating whenever I feel bored to eating extremely sparingly or not eating at all. Yet I feel like I deserve it.

. Hi hunny, yeah, welcome to the club and how we feel so darned low compared to the "normals" of this world. Honestly, I actually detest what I call the "normals", because I've never really known what it's like to be that thing we call "normal". I'm 57 and my eating disorders started basically from birth, as I come from a family of compulsive eaters, a family where meal times were worked around and we live to eat, rather than eat to live. My ED really kicked in when I was 17 and went on my first "diet", yep, did a self imposed diet but it went too far and I ended up in hospital with anorexia and depression. After that every time I wanted to, or had, binged ~~ I tried to kill myself, hence many many admissions and stays in the psych hospital. I can't believe at my age I'm STILL battling ED's, mostly now it's severely restricting or out and out binging.
I wish you the best darling, I KNOW what it all feels like.

[Imah]

Didn't do as well today as I hoped. Night time is the worst. Very happy to see people posting!

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by waggiedog

. Hi hunny, yeah, welcome to the club and how we feel so darned low compared to the "normals" of this world. Honestly, I actually detest what I call the "normals", because I've never really known what it's like to be that thing we call "normal". I'm 57 and my eating disorders started basically from birth, as I come from a family of compulsive eaters, a family where meal times were worked around and we live to eat, rather than eat to live. My ED really kicked in when I was 17 and went on my first "diet", yep, did a self imposed diet but it went too far and I ended up in hospital with anorexia and depression. After that every time I wanted to, or had, binged ~~ I tried to kill myself, hence many many admissions and stays in the psych hospital. I can't believe at my age I'm STILL battling ED's, mostly now it's severely restricting or out and out binging.
I wish you the best darling, I KNOW what it all feels like.

Sometimes I wonder if what I do is just emotional eating and I shouldn't even be posting here. I know I've had several times in my life when I truly binged - like, eating until I felt sick, then resuming when the physical pain passed just enough - but other than that I'm, at worst, preoccupied with food. And fasting is effing hard.

[Imah]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

Sometimes I wonder if what I do is just emotional eating and I shouldn't even be posting here. I know I've had several times in my life when I truly binged - like, eating until I felt sick, then resuming when the physical pain passed just enough - but other than that I'm, at worst, preoccupied with food. And fasting is effing hard.

I am glad you posted. I feel the same way because I don't have 7 chickens hidden under my bed. Maybe that is why a lot of people aren't writing on here. Perhaps people think because they couldn't be on a TV movie - they have nothing to contribute. Frankly, I feel all alone not knowing exactly how to treat food as un-important as I used to. this constant fixating on it - first thought in the morning, nearly last at night. Sneaking so I don't make noise to the fridge. Counting the minutes until it would 'seem normal to others' for me to go back in the kitchen. Being annoyed if someone sees me getting food as if they are judging me. I think about food way more then I used to. Probably at least once every 15 minutes if not more.

I hope everyone who views this posts. ED are very common. We need to be comparing our experiences to help share knowledge, and the understanding that we are not alone.

[Imah]

Good thing tonight: going to bed without eating something first.