daily check-in thread 2

gdog_rox · Jun 05, 2018, 08:25 PM

I totally understand what you mean

I used to be "sober" as I like to call it for a period of a few weeks,
but then as soon as I'm finally taking care of myself and eating well, etc., there's a part of me that says, no that's wrong, now binge.

I've had this problem for 6 years now, I'm honestly still surprise I'm alive xx
I thought I was going to have a heart attack last May, because my eating got so bad, I experienced really bad chest pain and couldn't breathe properly, I hate this thing I have and the worst thing is, I can't tell anyone about it b/c they'll just think I'm greedy and lazy

88Butterfly88 · Jul 03, 2018, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gdog_rox

I totally understand what you mean

I used to be "sober" as I like to call it for a period of a few weeks,
but then as soon as I'm finally taking care of myself and eating well, etc., there's a part of me that says, no that's wrong, now binge.

I've had this problem for 6 years now, I'm honestly still surprise I'm alive xx
I thought I was going to have a heart attack last May, because my eating got so bad, I experienced really bad chest pain and couldn't breathe properly, I hate this thing I have and the worst thing is, I can't tell anyone about it b/c they'll just think I'm greedy and lazy

Welcome to PC! Sorry I am just seeing this now. I think telling a doctor or therapist would be a good idea.

Jul 10, 2018, 03:52 PM

Well, after years of floundering, I think I'm finally on the recovery path.

I have let go of the idea of restrictive, quick-fix diets, and I have a moderate food plan.

I've beem reading loads on emotional eating, and mindful eating and moderate eating..slowing some of it's starting to sink in and stick.

This has been a real challenge, because for the past 5 years I've been getting caught up in the fantasy of dieting and quick weight-loss. My disordered brain thinks an overly restrictive diet would be so much easier than eating reasonably and losing weight slowly. But I can't stick with those diets for more than a day or two. The hunger keeps me up, and it doesn't solve. the reasons I overeat to begin with. Eating with a moderate food plan isn't very glamorous, and it forces me to confront what's really going on with me, but I'm finally convinced it's the way to go. It's already making me feel a hell of a lot less crazy where food is concerned

Every week I put chocolate bars, a kind that is a real trigger for me in our grocery order- they're for Mr. Tortie to take to work. I don't have to see them or be tempted for more than the few seconds when I pull them out of the shopping bag and put them with his things. He takes all of them to work on Monday morning and keeps them in his locker, so I don't have to be bothered by them.

Yesterday, he forgot to take them. I'd only had a few hours sleep, which is usually when I'm most vulnerable to several small binges. But I managed to not eat even a square of it.

I think if I'd been trying one of my many attempts at a overly-restrictive diet, I wouldn't have had any resolve. It was uncomfortable, and at times really unpleasant. I had a few moments feeling sorry for myself, but I knew I'm feel I'd feel a lot worse if I ate one of those bars.

I've been allowing myself a hot chocolate at night. This has far fewer calories than my normal late night grazing/bingeing sessions. It takes a while to drink a hot chocolate, and it's comforting. I tried forgoing sweets altogether, but this only led to full-on binges.

I'm staying off the scale for now, and focusing on sticking to my eating plan, and my daily exercise routine. This feels like progress not perfection, and it feels sane.

Jul 11, 2018, 12:30 PM

Yesterday I had an experience of all or nothing thinking and recovered.

I had a cooking fail, and I was hungry so quickly made myself an alternative dinner. It wasn't the healthiest option but it was fine. But my little disordered brain immediately went down the road of "well you've messed up". And late last night I started to pull stuff out of the cupboards to make cookies in order to have a binge. And I stopped myself. I actually reversed and put everything away and made myself a hot chocolate instead and I was ok.

I allowed my thoughts to go into the grey area of "well, little detours in our eating plans do happen, just get back on track straight away and everything will be fine" But black and white thinking says "well you've blown it" and "you've let yourself down" I will mentally beat myself up and then felt the need to console myself with food. I did go down that path last night but managed to interrupt the runaway thoughts, challenge them and do something imperfect but wiser.

Jul 12, 2018, 11:57 AM

Insomnia nearly gave me the excuse for 3 am eating session. And I almost threw in the towel, as I've done several times before..I have insomnia, I have to eat in the middle of the night or I'll never sleep, I tell myself. I'm stuck being fat because of this damn insomnia. But I stopped my thoughts. I don't really think that's true. I don't think that I'm destined to a compulsive over eater because of my lack of sleep. It makes it harder, sure, but I don't really believe I need to overeat in order to get back to sleep in the middle of the night.

I did lose a few hours sleep, but I think I just believed I was hungry when really I've just conditioned myself to eat in the middle of the night because I've done it so often. It's become an automatic response to sleeplessness. I did eventually get back to sleep despite not raiding the kitchen.

If I was really all that hungry, I would have torn apart the kitchen the moment I woke up. But I calmly did my pre-breakfast routine as usual.

dancinglady · Jul 12, 2018, 11:40 PM

Just ate a 1/4 gallon of chocolate ice cream. Ugh

Jnewton78 · Jul 16, 2018, 01:29 PM

I haven't done so well today, I ate so much... no wonder I can't lose weight!

Jul 19, 2018, 11:36 AM

I've been floundering as well. Bingeing on garbage, and then obsessively researching extreme diets thinking that's going to solve the problem. *sigh* Just reading about restrictive diets makes me overeat in response to the imagined deprivation.

I can't even say why I abandoned my sane eating plan; other than I just simply wanted to eat all the things. I did have a very bad anxiety attack earlier in the week, and crap food does work to soothe, but so would other things. And the bingeing started before that day. I've been crabby and feeling sorry for myself combined with self hatred with the food hangovers

Back on plan today.

Jul 19, 2018, 03:08 PM

Although, maybe a "sane plan of eating" is no different than a diet. Psychologically that is. I mean, I guess for me, maybe, overeating and binge eating never was about the food. Food is just what I personally choose to numb out, avoid feeling the feelings. Maybe controlling the food in any way is just another way of avoiding the real issue. A food plan involves white knuckling just like a diet does. Bingeing is just a way for me to not be mindful or present. But I could just as easily use any substance to do that. Food is just affordable and readily available. I can keep the junk food out of the house, but really I'll binge on whatever is available.

Anyone else have an thoughts or insight on this?

88Butterfly88 · Jul 26, 2018, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tortie

Although, maybe a "sane plan of eating" is no different than a diet. Psychologically that is. I mean, I guess for me, maybe, overeating and binge eating never was about the food. Food is just what I personally choose to numb out, avoid feeling the feelings. Maybe controlling the food in any way is just another way of avoiding the real issue. A food plan involves white knuckling just like a diet does. Bingeing is just a way for me to not be mindful or present. But I could just as easily use any substance to do that. Food is just affordable and readily available. I can keep the junk food out of the house, but really I'll binge on whatever is available.

Anyone else have an thoughts or insight on this?

Bingeing is about numbing for me too. Personally I think trying to deal with whatever you are numbing yourself from is the best way to go. For me that means childhood trauma so I'm going to therapy.

Jul 27, 2018, 06:46 PM

Thanks, Butterfly. For me it really is about the deeper issues of childhood trauma too, and some current day stress as well. But CPTSD plays a big role.

88Butterfly88 · Jul 28, 2018, 02:26 PM

Yeah, I can imagine, I have regular PTSD and that plays a role for me.

01:12 PM

I am being careful not to pycho-analyze myself into inaction. The overeating and overweight is really taking a toll on my health.

I'm pretty sure my insurance would cover therapy, I'd have to go the Skype method though, there are no qualified therapists where I live. I also know that I'm not ready to open up to a stranger. it would cost me quite a few sessions before I relaxed enough, and I'm not sure that I ever would tbh.

I am doing a lot of reading, on CPTSD, and the reasons why I overeat. I'm doing a lot of self re-parenting.

I'm keeping track of what I eat, not following a commercial diet, just writing things down and being calorie aware. This is keeping me from overeating, and gives me the chance to address why I want to overeat. It gives me the chance to respond to why I want to overeat in a way that helps me process. Not all my overeating is in response to an emotional flashback. Often times it's because I'm exhausted, or just habit.

Anyway, that's where I am today.

88Butterfly88 · Aug 01, 2018, 08:29 PM

My overeating has taken a toll on my health too. I hope you are able to find a Skype therapist. Sounds like you are making some positive changes in your life, good job.

LucyD · Aug 03, 2018, 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jnewton78

I haven't done so well today, I ate so much... no wonder I can't lose weight!

Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Our eating problems are an illness and hard to deal with more at some times than others.

Aug 03, 2018, 03:20 PM

Thanks, LucyD. I know your kind words were meant for Jnewton, but gee whiz, I do appreciate them today

88Butterfly88 · Aug 06, 2018, 08:42 AM

I appreciated that post too Lucy.

Nov 02, 2018, 11:54 AM

this week's been an okay week.

actually, I have been quite lazy and not getting rid of some rubbish on my shelf (and I use that shelf to put my bags of candy on when I eat them though), I have been eating biscuits though- which I'm running out of.

on wednesday (halloween night), I did have a party food thing- and tonight I'm having KFC