Recovering from Being In a Relationship with a Narcissist

I met a man shortly after the new year. He was at my best friend's house. He offered to drive me home after my visit. And for the next few days he pulled out all the stops to get me to be with him. I was flattered. I was happy, I was in lala land and ignoring all the signs that this man was bad for me.

Once he had me in his grip and moved into his apartment, this man became abusive emotionally and verbally. It was like he was a different person. He blamed me for stuff I didn't do, he would tell me shocking things about himself sexually (he was all about the sex). It was so bad that I starting going numb because I couldn't handle the things he would tell me.

It wasn't until I got away from him that I figured out that I was dealing with a narcissist. My mom is a narcisist so I had been around this behavior since I was just a baby. That and he bragged that his therapist said he was high in the narcissism range. He told me that because he thought that made him special. It does, but not in a good way.

I have no contact with this man for my sanity. But what he did was manipulate me, twist my words around and blame me for stuff I didn't do.

I am healing slowly and it's a hard road because most partners of narcissists want the guy they first met back not realizing that the real him is the guy that comes out and hates, and sees everything about him, that he is special. The nice guy I first met was a fake, he doesn't exist. And that is the hardest part to accept. It's harder than normal relationships because they are so intense.

Now this narcissist is hanging out with my best friend in Austin. I love my best friend but he doesn't understand the concept of narcissism. I am afraid my friend will get hurt eventually. My ex already sexually propositioned him. My friend doesn't really like him but nothing really bad has happened so far.

I've kept in contact with a couple I met through my N. They had a falling out and no longer speak to my ex. They realized how crazy their lives were with my ex in it.

I don't want anything bad to happen to my friend. I know I am moving at the end of the month, but I'd like to stay in contact with my friend.

Can anyone here relate?

hey there. i can't say i relate exactly, but i just wanted to say thanks for posting.

like i mentioned in my reply to docjohn, i just attended a support group meeting last week for partners of people with mental illness, and that was really helpful to me. it was amazing for me to actually come face to face with other people who experience challenges like mine...

anyway, at that meeting we talked a bit about narcissism. it can definitely be tricky to work out relationship issues with a narcissist. and i am glad that you have been able to get yourself away from that man for your own health and safety. i am not sure what to say about your friend. i really hope that everything works out ok, but since it sounds like your friend might not know much about narcissism, have you thought about offering some support or resources for your friend to learn about it?

take care

I was in a relationship with a narcissist but lucky for me everytime he perceived me as doing something wrong he wouldn't talk to me for long periods of time so the relationship never went very far. It was also hard for me to accept that the guy I thought i was falling in love with really didn't have any respect for me even thouth he would say things that made it seem like he thought I was special and we were going to get married one day. I basically just had to remind myself t(hat it doesn't really matter what's in a man's heart what matters are his actions. I have to remind myself of that a lot. )I may be misunderstanding some of what you're saying so forgive me if my reply doesn't quite make sense. I think you should keep in contact with your friend and not make a big deal about your ex unless she brings him up first. If he ask you any questions about him just answer as honestly as possible.

When you first fall for the narcissist, or sociopath, you believe they are who they present themselves to be. They are charming, seem enthralled by your beauty and may speak of marriage and grandiose plans early on. It's all about them; either they are experienced sociopaths and you are a new victim, or they are in other relationships which are not working because of their disorder. I later found out the person I met also suffered from dissociative identity disorder; he was aware of it, but he disappeared, changed states (geographically) and dropped out of touch, even though I wanted to help the person get to a psychologist before they damaged someone else. Don't be naive in meeting new people who fall for you right away. Ask lots of questions about their previous marriage(s) and/or relationships and family. They are unstable, volatile and sometimes dangerous. Verbal abuse stopped me. Don't try to save them; no contact, be indifferent. They don't feel love, only feign it. 'Hope this experience helped someone. Peace

I am not in contact with this person any longer. I may have to give up my cats to him permanently as the pain of him even being remotely in my life is waaayyy to much for me. He is actually caring for my cats. Believe it or not, my best friend checks on the cats and they are doing great. However, I am not ready to get my cats back yet as I don't have my own place... I can't deal with him even on the phone... he is that dark, filled with darkness and emptyness.

Hi,
I cannot believe how our stories are a lot alike. I met the man I am with online and when we first met in person we hit it off and he made me feel like I was the most important person in his life. We dated for almost a year and I ended up quiting my job and am now full time RVing with him. For the last year my life has been an emotional roller coaster. He has made me feel like everything is my fault. He shows absolutetly no respect for my feelings and like you it is all about the sex. I am so scared right now because I don't know what to do. I want to confront him about it but I know he will go postal on me. He does not take well to even the smallest of criticism and everything has to be his way or no way. There have been many times where I have told him if he is so unhappy with me then he should just leave but he keeps staying. I am about at my wits end. I can't continue to live on eggshells all the time and it sure would be nice if there was someone out there who could give me some pointers. Thanks for listening. I hope you will reply.

Sent you a PM but wanted to say there are a lot of websites out there that deal with people in relationships with narcissists. All different flavors of websites concerning this. Just google and read. I'd avoid anything run by Sam Vankin though, he's a self-proclaimed narcissist and well, I just wouldn't trust him. The more you read about narcissisum, the better. You will know what to do. Most of us get to a point where we throw up our hands and set up a support network and go "no contact" with the narcissist or "N" as we survivors like to call them.

They are almost predictable, even down to their sexual behaviors and what makes them tick or "lash out". Again, you are welcome to PM me or write me here in the forums... maybe we can educate others about this disorder.

Saying blessings & hugs for you!

Well, I dated a psychopath for 2 years. (not too sure what the difference is between a psychopath and a narcisist). It was so hard to get away from him. The manipulations and the promises to change and the (almost) stalking.

His ego was enormous. He even passed himself off as psychologist and got hired. So of course I was always wrong and was supposed to defer to him, the 'doctor'. He often said, 'I'm a doctor, trust me.' I eventually found out that he did indeed have a degree but it was in theology and he had to go to court to force the college to give it to him. Internet is great... it is harder for these people to hide.

His other major trait was his sexual ego. Sexually, he thought he was amazing... God's gift to women. But actually , he pleased himself. I needed sex therapy afterwards, he messed me up so bad. I have come to realize, that good sex happens when both partners consider the desires of each other and don't have a God complex.

And you are right, I wanted back the man I had met. At the beginning he sent me flowers and told me he hadn't thought he would ever find love again (since his wife passed away.) I later learned that there had been several wives after her. At the end he actually said, 'You are just the ***** and you don't deserve respect and the sooner you accept that, the sooner we will all have peace.'

2 lies he told me
1) his wife passed away from cancer... the truth.. his FIRST wife committed suicide
2) he was a green beret... the truth... he was a mechanic in the military

Apparently, this is physiological and hereditary. There is a part of the brain that is not 'turned on.'

I am really sorry about your cats.

I don't have much advice or anything to offer, but I want to say I am very sorry you are going through this. I know you from around the forums and I know you're a really good person who shouldn't have to deal with this.

The only thing I will say that I noticed during your post, is that we as people seem to like to find partners that are just like our parents. In other words, we're destined to fail at relationships. I know that plenty of the people I have met have turned out to be just like my Mother. Abandoned me, always argued with me, things like that. It's been told from a lot of different Therapists and people involved in Psychiatry that that is often times the case, and it's hard to prevent it.

Anyways, so it makes a lot of sense that you would end up with a narcissist after dealing with that from your Mom. It's understandable.

All I can really say is I am sorry it happened, I am sorry you had to go through that, and I hope it gets better for you.

Emotionally Dead, you are right... we tend to attract a mate with similiar attributes as our parents. Narcissists also go after kind, loving, people. With those 2 thoughts in mind, I have to keep my eyes open and my boundaries up.

Someday, this too shall pass.

I can completely relate!!!!!!

My mother's "Official Diagnosis" she was given, although I don't know how accurate it was due to degrees of cooperation and honesty, but it is "Borderline Personality Disorder, with strong narcissistic personality traits." Personally, I think it's the other way around, because the court-ordered psychiatrist from when I got the restraining order, saw her once, and refused to see her again because he found her so uncooperative. And probably a bit distasteful.

I call her by her first name now, she is not a part of my life. At the recommendation of every friend I have, plus the professional, and personal recommendation after speaking with her once, my psychiatrist recommended I go what they refer to in psychiatry as "No contact."

It took a long time, because I clung to the feverent, but deluded hope that I would some day get the "mother" that I had all my life prayed for, had all my life hoped would jump in and be nurturing, loving, caring, and say, "I'm so sorry for what h*** I put you through," or even that she showed some remorse that I spent seven years apart from my twin brother because of the beatings she put him through.

He showed me his bruises, cuts, scrapes, burns and welts, two days before our fourteenth birthday; one day before our "party," which was a slumber party we shared and I cleaned out every penny I had so he had something to wear in the pool to cover it all. The next day we rode the bus down to the police station instead of school. He may be 8 minutes older than me; but I am just as protective. But for some reason, only he was put into foster care.

We exchanged many letters, and he was adopted into a nice family. He was the lucky one. I lived the next twenty years at the hands of my narcissistic borderline mother, and if I never see her again, it will be the day of my funeral.

Some would say, "But she's your mother..." That is precisely my point. I was never nurtured, cared for, loved, or treated with any respect, and even when I started menstruating, at age 14, I had to buy my own "supplies" because the heavy cycles I had were of course to "inconvenience her," and my asthma problems were because "I was just out to cost her money and make the doctors think she was a smoker," though I never said anything of the sort.

But the real fun started when I stopped numbing my own pain from our pseudo-relationship ("false-relationship," by my own definition); and even any Tylenol I took from that point on was not Tylenol, but narcotics that I was "passing off" as tylenol.

I was diagnosed with chronic hypoxia requiring periodic therapy with oxygen, particularly at night. She said I used oxygen to get high, that it makes people "spacey," and you know; and I'm sure you do--it could go on forever the ways that they use you to meet their own needs. However sick they may be.

As harsh as this may sound; you are better off without; with building a series of friendships, even if it takes time; of people who are safe, and who will care for, nurture, love, and support you. And look in any place; you'll be surprised where you find it!!!

You have one listening pair of eyes; messae me anytime!!! My AIM is on my profile as well. And I have Yahoo, just ask. I think you can email me through the profile; just stick Psych Central in brackets so I know where the message came from...but I'll always answer messages from those who've suffered the same h*** I have in a "pseudo-relationship with a narcissist/borderline.

I also found a tremendous amount of help at these sites, by Canadian author, AJ Mahari (she is a recovered borderline who's mother was borderline, and who's father had Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders; crossed over the borders of he** in a relationship with a person with Borderline).

http://ajmahari.com (This is her main page; she has stuff for "active" borderlines to get information on recovering from this destructive disorder)

http://lovedonesofborderlinepersonality.ca (my favorite site: where she has the stuff for "Non-borderlines" which can in your case, translate into narcissistic; remember--her father was one!!!)

http://phoenixrisingpublications.ca (this is where she publishes her absolutely fantastic writing; when I read her first eBook, I couldn't wait until I could afford to buy another: it was like this woman had been a fly on the wall in the home of chaos I grew up in: a BPD/NPD mother, and a drunk for a father)...

The reason I discuss Narcissistics with Borderlines, and yeah, maybe none too flattering; but the ones I've met who are not trying to help themselves, and to make amends; I don't feel the need to flatter. But those who have BPD suffer from a very narcissistic belief that the people in their life exist to meet some need of theirs: be it emotional, or otherwise, and they will use, abuse, and kick the daylights out of the people that actually are still around in their lives and care about them until they get what might be the rock bottom that some need before they seek help. Others may never seek help; and die of suicide or things like alcoholism or drug addiction, etc. It's an ugly disease, isn't it?

...and yeah, as soon as I was able, I ran like crazy (moved to the opposite side of the state to go to college, and never came "home" even for summer.


And now that the pseudo-relationships are over, cut, zipped, I'm not looking back. I don't see it as a loss on my part, but a gain; a victory.


I know this may not be easy to hear; but I am giving you my honest experience, and if you ever need to get any support in keeping the heck away; message me any time.

It's hard, but you deserve to be free of the abuse.

And any "romantic" relationship, by definition is a two-way street; you deserve loving, nurturing, respect (not to be used for sex; I have no doubt in my mind you are a beautiful, wonderfully loving person, and you've been treated like you're supposed to do what? Lay like a sack of potatoes? Or "perform?" For someone else? What about YOU??? It's perfectly okay to ask that question, and to receive an answer that's not a slap in the face, whether it be literal or figuratively...)


I wish you the best, put on the sneakers, pack the bag and run like he** as fast as you can in the opposite direction!!!

Or have Mr. Scotty beam ya the heck outta there!!!

It's a shame we can't do the same for your friend; but like anyone who quits drinking; getting out of co-dependency, you have to want it!!!

Just don't, out of desperation, park with equally narcissistic family members, like I did.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, as is your friend; I hope you both stay safe!!!

But at least check out AJ's sites, and if you have iTunes, you can get her Podcasts free; just do a search for "AJ Mahari" However, as wonderful as she has the info; her audios should come with a warning: she has a very sooootttthhhhhhhiiiinnnnnggggg voice, and I often fall asleep. Go one track at a timee, or whatever--you, if you choose to try her stuff, may not have this issue, and it's not boring info at all; her voice is just so doggone relaxing!!! LOL!!!

Good Luck!

(and at best, you could drop a DVD of AJ to Austin, or have it playing the next time she comes over....idk, but remember this: you can only save yourself; your friend, as much as you love her; she is going to have to figure out the narcissism concept; and realize that the abuse is not acceptable; and she deserves better the same way you did...I'm afraid there's no "simple" way around it; no way to "save her from the narcissist" or even from herself...sucks, but that's just it; but you can be there for her when it's time to pick up the pieces!!!

And honestly, if you gift-wrap it for her, are you really doing her any favors; lessons like that learned just a bit too easily aren't lessons learned at all, JIMO....

I can soooo fully relate to all of this. The site disgusted with system has the characteristics of narcissistic mothers. I relate to it 100%. It was almost identical to everything I told my psychologist without knowing I wasn`t the one with the problem. No one would be able to convince her she has one. She actually turned me in as a danger to myself and others after I had left and she couldn`t find me. My siblings became just like her, I married one and my son became one. I am the only one with a problem as far as all them are concerned. I moved away from them, but feeling all these emotions from my losses and tackling them all by myself.

Hey Blacksheep,

Send me a PM!!! Oh, I've got great stuff for you, wow!!!

But my entire life, she had ME convinced I WAS the problem with my bipolar diagnosis. She's harassed my psychologist, my PCP, and my psychiatrist.

Called after being asked not to EVER call AGAIN, pretending like the request never happened.

I go to the courthouse Monday to file for Restraining Order #2.

I made county/state history in December 2003 as the first "adult child" to successfully obtain a Domestic Violence Protection Order against a parent. After her call the other night, the police (when I filed the report), and had told them I had one in 2003, they said, "Well, it's time for #2, and the second time around, it's a lifetime order--no going back to court to beg every year for them to make it permanent!!

Guess I can order a pizza and party tonight?

Or gee, did that sound just a bit like a "horribly ungrateful **** ****** , and many more cuss words after that towards me ending with b****."

Guess it does. I can accept that.

Good Luck to you!

Trying to heal from this...taking longer than usual, but what I have learned is that I have to take responsibility for my choices in relationships from day 1. I can't just choose based on needs I have and expect the other person to fulfill it. I have to get to know them and not just go along with what they say because they promised me something...if they follow through on their promises, then I can continue.

It's hard because I want something now, but unless that something is out there, it's not going to happen.

It sounds like a hard lesson to learn, but I'm learning it.

Yes, we are attracted to those we recognize in our families. I am learning that too in my actual family.

But ya know, I think it's really crappy for people to act like people they are not and then have that mask slip to reveal that really ugly side of them. The person that was fake got what they want, then when they are through, they dump you.

I have been in "no contact mode" with this man since March. Last night, the house phone rings at 1:50 a.m. and wakes up my enture family up (my dad is really old and really sick and our minds are with him). He actually mistook my brother-in-law's voice for mine (he was probably drunk or high). He was mistaken when my brother-in-law hung up on him. Then he calls me on my cell and reads off what seems like a written down goodbye speech and not to contact him again... um, I haven't contacted him since the end of March?! Guy makes no sense.

Sounds like you're doing what you need to do for yourself. I was in a relationship (serious one) with a woman who was everything, I ever wanted in a woman. She had beautiful Auburn hair and Green eyes. She appeared to be kind, loving, sensitive and couldn't do enough for me. She professed to be a christian but after a while, her true self came out, she turned out to be manipulative, deceitful and had to be the center of attraction at all times. She turned out to have all the traits of a person with a "Histroinic Personality Disorder". I later found out from her close nephew that she was tring to get me to sell my house to use those proceeds to bail her out of foreclosure, guess I wasn't moving fast enough to suit her. He further shared that she has a long history of doing that to men, breaking their hearts a long the way and not caring how she used, hurt and devastaed them along the way.

I was devastated and my heart was broken ! I have since moved on and as ir would turn out! reconnected with my high school sweetheart and were happliy married now. Take care of yourself and the hurt will lessen over time.

I can totally relate. I didn't know much about narcissism until I broke up with my ex gf. Then I couldn't stop reading about it. I am blessed I didn't meet this woman 5 years earlier as she most likely would have tricked me into getting her pregnant. But age was catching up to her. She tried to lay on all the charm she could muster. But luckily she lacked the self control to hide her true nature. Once I began to resist and deny her of what she felt entitled to (everything), she melted down like the wicked witch of the west. "Look what you've done! I'm melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world!" It's been 6 months since last contact. I feel like I want to become a relationship counselor because I was in the trenches of an emotional war. Been to hell and back almost. I bear the scars.

Yes, absolutely, yes, I can relate. And for exactly the same reason. My father had, and still has, a great deal of narcissistic behaviours that have been very damaging to my family, and the man I lived with and almost married at 19 was a very frightening narcissist. Being raised by someone like that breaks the part of you that is supposed to keep you safe, so that when you get into relationships you don't see the warning signs, and get hurt over and over because you don't know you don't have to.

I feel bad for the woman he married after me because he did some horrible things to her as well. They make you feel like you are crazy. They make you feel like everything is your fault. They make you feel weak, stupid, useless and unlovable. You are never sure whether the next thing you do or say will be the "wrong" thing, and who knows what will happen next? It's exhausting and terrifying. It's like being a hostage. And in the end you are left empty and confused, and if you manage to get out it takes a long, long time to get better.

(TRIGGER ALERT below)

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Sexually, things were great at first, but as time went on he made me feel entirely undesirable, and when I begged for attention he sexually assaulted me. I had nightmares about that incident. I had nightmares for a long time about the entire relationship, and about things I was afraid would happen, tortured by my own subconscious. I could feel no sexual desire for four years after I left him; I couldn't even think about sex without crying.

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(Trigger alert over!)

I was terrified of him. He never hit me, but he pushed me and was violent with objects, and his behaviour was very threatening. If he had hit me, I would have left him, and it would have been so much easier. But the wounds didn't show on the outside.

After I left him he stalked me, and I had to spend nights at work because I was too afraid to leave the building, even after people would go out and lie for me and tell him I wasn't there. I would get sick to my stomach if he came into my workplace, and the staff would always warn me so that I'd know not to go out there. After he was married he brought his daughter in, and I had to tell the staff not to serve him or he would drink and drive with her.

And even years after I moved from that town, he was calling my parents in the middle of the night and hanging up. That's how his wife (whom he married about a year after I left) got a hold of me and told me all the horrible things that were happening to her, after she saw all of the late night calls on the phone and found out who they were to. She found out a lot of things about other women he had been with as well, told me the truth about women he had seen before me (restraining order!) and women he had seen WHEN WE WERE STILL TOGETHER that I didn't know about, including his wife! They have since divorced, and who knows how many women have been through this since.

Even after all this time - it has been almost a decade - I thought I saw him last winter and was shaking with fear. I don't even know if it was really him. But I've been paranoid that he would find out where I live, that he knows where I work, or that he will one day decide that all the trouble he's gotten himself into since is somehow my fault and will hunt me down.

Ugh. Anyway, I'm working on all of this stuff with my T, and I have to work through my issues with my dad before I can figure out how to stop all of this from happening again.

So yes, I get it. And I'm very sorry you are experiencing this. I found this site a few years after that relationship ended, and for the first time I realized that it was not my fault, and I wasn't alone.

http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

Here at PC, it's good to be able to talk to other people who know you are not crazy too!

@ Visioneer: I understand completely. After the initial stages, I couldn't do anything right for my N too. He had something bad to say about everything I said or did. He made it known that my child had a "stupid" name to him, he told he that my handwriting was that of a retard (then later denied it...saying that "retard" was such a terrible word), asked me if I loved my daughter, because it would be terrible if I didn't love her. This went on and on.

I have to ask...when you say violent with objects...did he throw things?
Mine didn't throw things, but he did hit me. I'm not sure if it was a REAL fight, though. By that, I mean, in the past we did playfight. This particular, day it escalated to something that I don't think was playing.

@StrongerMan: 6 months! Congrats. No turning back for you.

Thanks ArianLotus! No turning back. Of course, sometimes I wish I knew then what I know now. Although, I have read much concerning how to cope or deal with a narcissistic person. It may have been a Godsend that I didn't give in to my ex's demand for marriage and attempt those strategies. I may still be suffering today.
I guess there is such a thing as too much knowledge for one's own good.

I'm so glad "no contact" works no matter who officially applies it. I've moved 1,300 miles away from the "cowardly scarey dude". Haven't spoken to him since March and I'm glad. My best friend who lives next door to him understands narcissism now. He doesn't want to go anywhere near my ex since my bestfriend learned that my ex assaulted his old pedofile for not giving into his sexual demands. Broke into his ex apartment and threatened her with a knife and a gun. The retraining order issues was temporary, but he's still hunting her.

I'm just glad me and my bestfriend are free of him. I am so ready to be onto the next chapter of my love life without a narcissist.

@nucking futz i am glad u got out, my thread narrcissist ahoy gave me god advise about a similar event in my life. stronger man gave some good insight about the methodology of such people. i had it tough with my ex, still do, he pretending nothing wrong ever happened and calling me is best friend after calling me s*** in front of his sister and bashing me for silly reasons making me hide myself and my wounds in shame for days, soon he made me an isolate that the nieghbours thought i was sick and paranoid. a burst of courage got me out of prison, now am trying to relax and set my mind straight. but he still hast signed the papers for mutual divorce and nw wants to take me on a trip to spain, to solve all probs and become thr right person for me.talk about being disoriented!! its true he will never find a girl like me, the only person in his construed life who will ever love care and encourage his good like i did. most girls will stamp their foot down for more than that and the land he sold to suport our lives( he would work only on a whim and not let me work my way up but wanted me to secure senior positions in the best institutions and earn fame for him. he admonished me for not able to do that!) anyways, reading his pathetic mails makes me wanna strangle him.... sorry just mad i have to stand this till he signs the papers. just worried he will keep postponing this to prolong the pain i have to endure. god bless and more power to you......

Thank-you for starting this post, it seems like there are a lot of us on here who have experienced damaging relationships with partners.

You highlighted the difference between the persons true self and the fake. I have clung on desperately wishing that my ex would become the person I fell in love with - and readng what you wrote there, I realised finally that the "nice" him is most probably the fake bit. Thank-you for sharing this. SD

I am so glad I am still 1,300 miles away. Too far away for him to come after me. Phone calls don't do it for him. Unfortunately, I do, from time to time get the latest scheme he's been up too. One smart girl that knew he was bad for her and another that's been in and out of his life since he was a child who will never get his illness. Sometimes no matter how many times one has their head bashed in against a brick wall, they never learn. They keep letting the bad guy back in again and again.