[_skylin_]

1st thank you all sooooo very much, truth. i have posted on a couple forums that have to do with my son and have been welcomed with open arms all the way. this is such a relief!

here is where i truly need help. the day-to-day stuff. i think this mite be the main place, cause i need help from parents. i thot bout the PTSD bord, but i'm worried about the people ther.

my 22-yr old son......i'll start with the little stuff and work my way to the bit bigger stuff. PLEASE understand i am NOT COMPLANING. i just need help dealing. and helping him deal in a better way. cause i have read about all of this and i agree that i need to be patient and understanding. i also need advise.
1st - trash and dishes in his room....i saw a post the other day, and shared that idea wtth him about taking 1 thing out at a time and 1 dish out at a time. great idea, rite? i even offered to do it for him, clean out the trash and take all the dishes. won't let me. this is now almost a year's acumulation of trash, and he won't bring the dishes out. when i tell him we have no plates left for the rest of the family, THEN he will bring only the plates out. i don't want to trigger him into a fit but this is a daily thing.
2nd - we all need our escapes, truth. my husband is getting frustrated of the time our son spends on the video games tho. sometimes 10-12 hrs at a time. remember, he's on med. leave from his job(voluntary) and quit college.
3rd - yesterday, my husband just gave him the $$ he needed for the tags on his car and a speeding ticket that he simply was going to 'let go', they had already told him he would lose his lisense if he didnt pay it. we offered to give him $$ for his bday whch was the othr day, and he said he wanted an iPod. so we got it for him. THEN he came and told us about not getting this taken care of. we assumed he had set up a payment plan, like he told us he was going to. he had waited too long. which is a symptom, rite? we've been paying his car ins. all along. and last month we had to get a bus ticket for him from NY cause he took off(long story). we are just glad he's home. anyway, the point is, he hadn't even filled out papers for SSDI yet, he's had all summer. he's about to get kicked off our ins. we are at a loss. this is really affecting the rest of the family. we have 4 other kids to provide for. and this is draining.

any advise wood be appreciated! thanks TONS!
sara

[Rhapsody]

(((( HUGS )))) - Some times I think we as parents can enable our sick loved ones to remain sick, even though that was not our intention.... many choice to remain sick for they thrive off of the attention they receive from remaining ill - how about setting up some rules (say two of them) and stick to them for a month without giving in, no matter what may come or happen.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[bebop]

is he in therapy? sounds like he is in need of some life skills classes for sure. I would not keep giving him things he asks for. He needs to be able to do some things for himself. also find a good support group for yourself in your area

[_skylin_]

Rhapsody, thank you for the advise....truth. i'm extremely nervous of doing it. but i'm sure my husband is there to back me. he has been supportive and has just recently gotten frustrated. our bank account has been depleted quite often due to the difficulties recently.

thanks to you too petunia.

bebop,he was in therapy. then he decided to go on medical leave and quit college. he wanted to go into intense therapy.....which has yet to happen.

maybe we should be a bit more firm.

thank you for letting us know we are not alone. and for the hugs! i could use them!

sara

[Rhapsody]

Hang in there.... and you and your husband will make it through this tough time TOGETHER.... just think of it like that of when we have to teach our little two year olds how to behave and how to act.... they learn through what we, the parents allow or don't allow - in other words "tough love" when it is needed.

I personally believe we teach others how they can treat us.... ((( hugs ))).

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[alisandria]

Sounds to me like right now your son is pretty lost in him self. He's using games as a diversion to the real problem. I agree in part that I wouldn't give so much to him financially. If you want to help dig him out of a hole, then send payments directly to where-ever, and no cash in hand to him (I do this with my 20 yo daughter-we have a verbal agreement with finances while she's in college, and she does stick to it).

A lot of his actions and mannerisms suggest to me he's suffering from depression-the mess & clutter, and not bringing the dishes out are symptoms of such. I don't know why, but it's hard to part or change anything at that point (even though in our rational minds we know this). I don't believe he wants to stay the way he is, I don't think anyone would. I believe he just can't find a way out. Has no direction, and it seems it is all too overwhelming for him, and he probably himself does not understand this.

I think first course of action, is getting the SSDI started. I think if you had to do most of the leg work here, that would be appropriate, however, if you can sit him down and help him go through it that would be better. PTSD suffers often suffer major depressive states, if he is in one (and I am speking from experience) it's really hard to function in a manner that seems positive-it just seriously takes a WHOPPING amount of effort to do so. Sometimes he might need a little push-loving one. Being firm is ok, but I am thinking he might take it the wrong way...especially if said we are not going to do this....that....blah...blah..blah anymore... He's still at that 20ish age where kids just see things in a different light anywho, right? This is their transitional time into life that can be floundering as is, add in this other stuff...it's really tough!

You are walking a line that many of us are walking right now...it's hard. My daughter suffers from depression with anxiety, and as long as she is on medication, and doesn't have to take anything else (cause she sometimes needs to take meds for other conditions) that fudges with her chemical balance she is ok, and right on the mark she wants to be at. Otherwise we are on a bit of a rollercoaster ourselves. But, we always go back to the basics of prioriites, and I never point fingers, or lay blame (not that you are). She's done a few things (one of which was almost flunking out of school her second sememster-which still bothers her on occassion, but something I don't think of unless she brings it up). Just saying, I am sure he knows where his failings are-and they just seem to be a mountain, when in reality they aren't. It's just time to get back on track for everyone, it's not a quick process, but any forward movement is best.

Could one of the beginning agreements be-if you are gonna bring dishes into your room could you make the disposable? And the other part that I do with my daughter, is ask her what she wants? and what steps do you feel you need to make to get there (really small ones to begin with)-I also make suggestions (of a couple alternatives, all of which are satisfactory and forward moving for her).

Sorry so longwinded, hope some of this helps...and sorry if it's a bit rambly, I am fighting a migraine again today. (((hugs))))) Lisa

[_skylin_]

agen, ali, thanks TONS for the advise. as wth evrbody. trutth. and ya did all lthat wtth a migrane?! wow! big thanks! i truly undrrstand i'm walkng a thin line, and thats wwhy i came heer, to ask ffor help. evry time i tryd to ask him to do anythng, like take out the garbag for me, or wood you driv me tto the store, he wood screem at me. i no somthng is bad.
thanks for the advise. showin it to my hubby. tthen we ccan ttalk. i'l post agen. the advvise is apresheatd, ttruth.

sara