[brooke34]

Hi, I've been married to a narcissist for about 7 and a half years. It's been a very bumpy ride. Sometime's I start to think that he is actually being a caring person and then his motive comes to light. He is the most selfish person that I have ever met. One of the qualities that attracted me to him at the beginning was that I was under the impression that he was this amazing, caring man with a huge heart. Since then I've learned that he doesn't do anything kind for anyone unless he is getting something in return. He constantly puts me down and makes me feel completely worthless. When he has me where he wants me mentally and emotionally then he will begin to build me back up some only to turn around and completely knock me down and then actually laughs in my face about it. He gets satisfaction from having that control over me. Everytime that I have ever tried to leave him, he plays the sympathy card, the "poor, pity me, you've done me so wrong by leaving" card. Puts a major guilt trip on me for leaving. and the couple of times that I had myself in the right mindset to not fall for that, he would change his tactics to threatening me with the safety of myself and my family, thus pulling me back in because I don't want my family involved in anything. He has hurt in every way possible and gets satisfaction from it. Tells me that it's his job to make sure that I know my place in the world which is beneath him. When the abuse gets physical, there will be times that i'm laying on the floor and he will stand above me looking down and laugh at me while saying that all peasants are supposed to bow their kings. In his eyes, he never does anything wrong. He blames me for absolutely everything wrong in his life and discredits everything that I have done in attempt to improve his life. For example, he has a child that he is supposed to pay child support on, for 2-3 years I made the monthly payments for him because he couldn't keep a job. Due to changes in life, I could no longer afford to pay his support and told him that he needed to get a job. Bills were piling up and the kids needed new clothes etc... So child support went unpaid and now his license are suspended and he has a court date that he may go to jail during for failure to pay child support, He blames me for it. Said that I screwed up his life and that if he goes to jail then he never wants to see me or the kids again because it's my fault. The logical side of me knows that it was his responsibility years before we ever met and that i am not responsible for that. The emotional side of me is kicking myself in the rear for not continuing to pay it for him. He cheats on me all the time and blames me for it also. Says that when i'm at work his sexual needs are not being attended to by me so someone has to do it. Ahhhh there is just sooooo much that I don't have time to write at the moment. I guess I'm more or less trying to see if there is anyone on here that can relate to me at all

[Louemz]

Oh my GOD you poor thing. Nobody should ever put up with abuse-let alone the overtly sadistic nature in which he tries to dominate you.
My only advice is to get the hell out of there. You can't fix him and the emotional damage inflicted upon you has very, very serious long term implications . If he threatens to harm you or your family, go to the authorities or get an AVO. You staying and being submissive is only feeding the monster. Run and don't look back.

[comethisfar]

Brooke34, pleaaseee get yourself into therapy so you can turn your insight into action - you do need someone supporting you with some tools to see the separation through!! I wish you strength and success!!

[WifeofBPD]

I can relate to your situation. My ex husband was the same way. He would spend our money and then blame me when the bills couldn't be paid. He would cheat on me and then say that it was my fault because I was too boring in the bedroom and he needed more. It took 12 years for me to walk away and I wish every day that I had walked away sooner. Do not waste your time on someone who does not wish to change and is only content blaming others for their own mistakes. Accepting that blame is only feeding his delusion that he is right, that he is entitled and it will not make him accept responsibility for his own actions. If there are children involved, make double haste. It is not just you being affected but them as well. If not for yourself, do it for them.

Leave him.

[Tauren]

As I said on that other thread, run. Run fast, run far.

[brooke34]

I know that I should but I'm not in a position that I can.

[HeavyMetalLover]

Go to the authorities, get a PFA order (restraining order) against him, change the locks , take all your money out of the bank account if it's a joint one or he knows your bank account info, etc. I know it's hard but it can be done & it's life saving & necessary!!!! I've been there & I got away.....with 2 toddlers in tow. There's an organization called BACA (Bikers Against Child Abuse) ....get in touch with them, for if there are children involved and they see/hear the abuse, that IS abuse of them as well. You'll be assigned 2 bikers to protect you & your family IN COURT and if need be, they'll come and camp out in your front yard. Here's the other piece of important advice I'll give you....IGNORE the SOB!!!!!!!! You want to hurt a narcissist where it counts? treat them like they NEVER existed to you EVER in the first place. My ex can't believe that I ever moved on without him but I did.....oh, and he's MISERABLE now..... a mutual acquaintance from the past told me this juicy bit of info about him. I shrugged it off like," Oh, that's nice".....but deep inside I was thrilled!!!! Karma's a *****!

He certainly sounds like he's at the extreme end of the NPD spectrum. I would advise you to run ASAP. If you can't fully run now, avoid him whenever possible. If he works, parties, or runs errands at certain times, work around his schedule. Leave when he's home to go to a friend's or relative's house and stay home when he's gone.

And finally, as somebody who has NPD traits myself (although much more mild than his), I would advise you to never try to fight a narcissist or sociopath under and circumstance because you will most likely lose. People with these personality disorders lack the capacity for empathy or guilt which makes them much more ruthless of an adversary than most regular people can comprehend.

Don't even say anything that would threaten his ego because many narcissists can become dangerous if their ego is threatened. Avoid him until you can run, but if you must engage him in conversation, tell him what he wants to hear and nothing more. Otherwise, act like a rogue and stick to the shadows in order to evade him until you're far away in a safe place.

[HeavyMetalLover]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

He certainly sounds like he's at the extreme end of the NPD spectrum. I would advise you to run ASAP. If you can't fully run now, avoid him whenever possible. If he works, parties, or runs errands at certain times, work around his schedule. Leave when he's home to go to a friend's or relative's house and stay home when he's gone.

And finally, as somebody who has NPD traits myself (although much more mild than his), I would advise you to never try to fight a narcissist or sociopath under and circumstance because you will most likely lose. People with these personality disorders lack the capacity for empathy or guilt which makes them much more ruthless of an adversary than most regular people can comprehend.

Don't even say anything that would threaten his ego because many narcissists can become dangerous if their ego is threatened. Avoid him until you can run, but if you must engage him in conversation, tell him what he wants to hear and nothing more. Otherwise, act like a rogue and stick to the shadows in order to evade him until you're far away in a safe place.

This...yes, this!!!!! Fight for yourself by getting away...then stay gone!!!! DON'T go back to him under any circumstances !!!!!! Right, Darkness?

Originally Posted by HeavyMetalLover

This...yes, this!!!!! Fight for yourself by getting away...then stay gone!!!! DON'T go back to him under any circumstances !!!!!! Right, Darkness?

Yes. One should always take care of themselves first and foremost. If you're in a dangerous environment or with an abusive person, your responsibility should always be getting to safety above all else.

What until he goes to jail for failure to pay child support, and then leave him.

[brooke34]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

What until he goes to jail for failure to pay child support, and then leave him.

He won't be going to jail now. I took out a loan from the bank using the title to my vehicle to pay his purge.

[brooke34]

He's not always violent. He has moments where he is absolutely amazing. The times that he gets crazy with me are usually my fault. I know which buttons not to push but sometimes I push them anyway because being the "little bit**" is exhausting sometimes so I open my mouth and say what I want to say regardless of the consequences and usually during those times I fight back until we are both too worn out to continue. But I snapped like never before a week or two ago and it scared the hell out of him. He has been great since with only 2 incidents since.

You need to go to therapy.

[starfruit504]

The narcissist who reels you in by highlighting everything he's done for others. I know this one well. He's never done anything wrong. He's under-appreciated. He's never taken responsibility for anything in his life. "I give and I give and everyone takes and takes."

I'm really impressed that you've mustered the courage to at least try to leave. If you want to make it stick, I suggest finding support. Someone who can either talk you through the process when he pulls out all the old tricks to get you to stay, or a therapist who can actually help you laid down an action plan and backup plans to get yourself out of this soul-sucking situation. You need emotional backup. You know what's right and you know what you want, but the narcissist is good at derailing that.

[comethisfar]

Brooke34, of course he is not always violent, demeaning and belittling. He only shows this side when he knows he can control you. When he's scared that you may leave, no longer heed to his influence, free yourself he is sweet and supportive and controls his behavior. You know this pattern and you know it well. From your first post I gathered that the few times he is scared enough to lose you and treating you right no longer compensate for his outrageous behaviors when the full narcissist comes through. How much longer will you put up with it? Stick your head in the sand and wait for real change? I know this may sound unkind.....I hope with the next episode of full NPD behavior you will keep up your motivation long enough to get yourself into therapy. It is NOT your job to watch out for his buttons, pay for his problems and bail him out - he is an adult and should be able to take responsibility. Every time you compensate you are reinforcing his behaviors and neither you nor him have a chance to really improve! You have a fighting spirit and the people here are on your side... You can survive without him! Best of luck!

[Tauren]

Originally Posted by brooke34

The times that he gets crazy with me are usually my fault. I know which buttons not to push but sometimes I push them anyway because being the "little bit**" is exhausting sometimes...

LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

It's your own fault for not being enough of a doormat?

Who taught you that that was your purpose in life?

Man I just read all these posts and with me sharing the sickness may I add that he has his teeth so far in that it's pretty friggin simple. You have all the answers and yet you come back pay his child support and continue the circle which he has completely created for you to live by. You stand zero chance for happiness or self meaning at all. The classic push and pull is the only strength you have and really that's all part of his game. Fact is when you argue back your making it more interesting. Like when a cat is starring at the mouse not moving he sits and watches. When it runs is when the fun begins. Same deal here, when you fight you are allowing him to strengthen his game each time. Each time this happens it also weakens you more and more. You have one play which is to leave him and that's it. Anything else and you stand zero chance and soon enough you will completely lose yourself!!! I just shared the TRUTH and they say someone with NPD has no empathy, guess what I just showed it!!! Maybe me being here helps me more.....
All the best,
The Underground

[MissFiona]

It reads as though by bailing him out of going to jail for not paying child support, that you have signed up to continue supporting a very nasty, toxic, selfish child who is posing as your husband. You're being drained financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically so I do understand how difficult it is to get the energy required to leave but it seems that by paying for him you are acting as his parent who is bailing him out each time.

You must begin to try to put yourself and your sanity and health, first as it does sound like you are ready to explode as nobody can stand all the pressure you are under continuously. I totally hope you consider therapy for you instead of paying for him.