[AGoodMan]

Hi Everyone,

I discovered the documentation on this site only recently, and suddenly, despite the pain it is causing to my wife, I have a sense of hope.

Whilst the evidence of my addiction is on the mild side, when compared to the literature, this has actuallly mde it more difficult to accept, and remains stubbornly unacceptable to my wife.

Whilst reading the sex addiction papers on this site and taking the quiz - getting a score of 11 - I find myself facing the fact that I have a very real problem, which may take years to recover from and I am terrified that I will not be able to keep my wife, who I love dearly, by my side.

Any of you been through this, can you offer any nuggets of hope?

BTW, I am not even slightly religious, so I will probably react badly to suggestions I should find a higher power.

AGoodMan ( I really am despite it all! )

[AGoodMan]

Allow me to elaborate a bit. I have got past the fear of posting.

The double whammy that is knocking my wife out is that my addiction has included a couple of homosexual episodes and that despite her imploring me to tell her everything many times, I have only had the courage to let parts of it out a piece at a time.

I had a medical condition that supressed my libido for six years, so most of the problems occur in a fairly distant past, which has helped, but it has returned now and is causing havoc.

However, and finally, on the strength of the literature I have found here and with the sense that, at last, I may have something that approximates an explanation, I let her know that within the last few months I was in a situation in which I encouraged another enactment to take place with one of the men I had previously had sex with, which actually, fortunately came to nothing. My wife's screaming despair of me shook the house, when I told her.

I am very, very worried that her pain will prevent her from thinking of me as sick in anyway.

AGoodMan

[cms39]

From what I understand, having a higher power doesn't have to be religoius in any way.

Hi and Welcome.

First, if I may ask-- are you getting counseling for this addiction? or are you doing anything to help control it? Addictions are a tough thing to cope with.

Second, I feel for your wife and the pain she must be going through. I imagine that she never considered this part of the agreement when you two became married-- that must be hard for her.

And I don't believe that religion has anything to do with commitment and respect- even if I was religious.

If you really love her and care about her feelings and your marriage-- it would be good for you and her to find some kind of help- like therapy.

Good luck to you

mandy

[downsolong]

Hi man,

I don't know about sexual addiction or even if it exists outside of the morbid obsessions of some, but I do know about the anonymous cults and would strongly urge you to stay out of their mind control clutches which are straight out of Brainwashing 101! They may not realize it but they are built on tearing the little remaining selfesteam of newcomers down, and then teaching you evangelical christianity.



http://www.sossobriety.org/sos/chattime.htm
http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-snake_oil.html

Good luck~Down

[AGoodMan]

Hi Mandy,

It is only in the last few weeks that the penny has dropped and that the struggling I have been having all my adult life with sex actually amounts to an addiction. So no, I am not having any specific addiction therapy yet, although I saw a counsellor for a year before the darkest secrets were disclosed to my wife - I didn't disclose them to my counsellor either - and now I have am seeing a psychotherapist. Although, again I starting seeing her before the sex addiction idea fell into place.

I am going to a SA meeting on Sunday, fortunately there is one very local to me in the UK, and will be talking to my therapist about whether she is best equipped to help me.

Counselling for me and my wife sounds like a smart idea, what sort do you recommend? Presumably I should look for a sex therapist. How do you tell which sort is the right one for the problem you have? And yes, I love her deeply and am only just beginning to comprehend the pain I have caused her. You see, I've never been able to love anyone the way she has loved me, so I really have no idea what it feels like to be betrayed in this way.

My comments about religion simply demonstrate my ignorance of the 12 Step programme.

Steve

[downsolong]

Man,

Opps one link was sort of wrong but did have many other links included so it wasn't total waste.

I have read that an addiction is something one does against one's better judgement repeatedly. Maybe my warning people about 12-cults has become and addiction as I tend to get so much grief, LOL. But here are a couple of more links that might be of interest.

http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-...ous_faith.html
http://www.morerevealed.com/checklist.jsp
http://www.schaler.net/fifth/cultbusting.html

Again good luck with you problems.

~Down

[AGoodMan]

I have been re-reading my posts - being a little calmer today than when I posted yesterday - and my inital comment about my wife is not representative at all. She is in fact a long way from being 'stubbornly unacccepting' of a potential Sexual Addiction diagnosis. We have been talking today some more and her resilience astonishes me.

It is fair to say she is simply reluctant to jump on this particular bandwagon just yet, prefering not to encourage me to give up all other avenues, in case something else better explains what's going on. I am grateful of this.

It was afterall her that found the PsychCentral aritcles in the first place!!!

I am feeling more hopeful today.

Hey AGoodMan!

Perhaps a therapist that specializes in sex addiction would be the best way to go-- if that's not an option maybe a marriage counselor would help some. I think you both really need to go as your wife is as affected by this as you-- if not more so. Please keep in mind though--- total openness and honesty are important to a successful therapy experience----- that means no holding information back!! ( Ha!-- some things I need to work on-- so I'm reminding myself also!!)

Sounds like you are starting on the right track-- and you're so fortunate to have such a seemingly understanding partner in your life.

Keep us posted as I'm sure there are some here reading that just aren't posting, for any number of reasons, but will gain insight from your openness. It's good that you are feeling more hopeful today-- I wish you the best!

mandy

[Bloodshot]

GoodMan,

I think this is good topic of conversation and there are many people out there who suffer from sexual addictions and most don't see it as a problem, I think it's down to how you view it and how it effects your life.

In some sections of society it is accepted, for instance here in London, the outgoing gay community genrally do not beleive there is such a thing as a sexual addiction. I personally know one or two people who will go out of their to satisfy that addiction, the thing is they do not hide it, nor does it shame them and it effectively is part of who they are... Good or bad??? I don't know.

I suffer from a sexual addiction, I recognise it as that because it affected me emotionally and I felt I was doing wrong, and feared it will escalate. I used to try and hide the fact that I had the problem, until it was noticed by my friends. That was when I became psychotic, the guilt, the denial, the feeling of worthlessness and worst of all I was going against what I thought was right, this took me over the edge. I was forced unwillingly by my firends to disclose all to my wife, I did so gradually until eventually, about 1.5 years later I have nothing to hide from her and feel a lot better as a result. I feared the worst but she has stood by me and has helped me break the thought process.

Socially I am effected, I take coversation as enuendo that leads, somhow to my problem. The root of my paranoia.

The toughest thing is control, most will not understand that it is, a deep addiction that whips up a huge internal storm of emotion and how difficult it is to control something that controls you. I try nip it in the bud and stiffle the intiial thought before it manifests itself in action.

The battle is best described as:

Inhabition <-------------------- vs -----------------------> Excitation

If your excitation wins the internal struggle, your inhabition blames you and fights back in the form of guilt. I try focus on feeding my inhabition and retain my excitation for my wife.

The best thing that happened to me was recognising it, now I deal with it, it's not easy but we are all the masters of our own minds!

The BIG question is why do some of us have such a problem with it, is it conflict between upbrigning and todays accepting society, is it a conflict between moral values and our own actions? I read somewhere before that if we go against our values we should either: Change our values or stop doing the things that you feel are against those values...

Good luck! Hope this helps...

[DocClyde]

Yes, I agree, therapy is a great way to go! Keep on those SA meetings, and it would not hurt to even join sa online at: www.sa.org, or many other sites, just search for sex addiction.

Best of luck!

[CedarS]

Also can be very helpful to look through lots of books on sexual addiction and related themes, public libraries often have many, as do bookstores. Patrick Carnes is one of many good authors.

Use whatever works for you and leave the rest behind, is a good motto. You can adapt techniques so they work for you.

http://www.smartrecovery.org/index.html

Smart Recovery is an alternative to 12 step programs, there are others available too. And if a 12 step program works for you, go for it, you can adapt it as needed. Some 12 step groups are heavily religious, some are not, if one meeting doesn't work for you at one location, try another.

I think the first goal when it comes to choosing a therapist is to find one with experience in sex addiction issues and also one that you feel a good possibly of connecting with. They might be a generalist or they might specialize, many possibilities.

Good luck!