[Greenleaves]

My p-doc told me that I have a mild borderline personality disorder, but sometimes it feels like it isn't all the mild.

I don't know why, but it seems like I have a LOT of trouble interacting appropriately with people online. I don't have any social life in real life, so most of my problems result from online interactions.

I do horrible things online. I make threats to my life often. I e-mail inappropriate things to people. I never threaten other people, I always threaten myself. This is a big problem for me.

If I do this often, people will stop believing my threats. I often feel like I'm dangerous to myself and I don't know what to do about it.

People react very badly to my inappropriate posts and this makes me feel even worst...driving me closer to the edge. My behaviour hurts me and others very much.

I'm just wondering how other people with BPD handle their online behaviour. Is it just me? Why am I having such a difficult time with this? I just seem very disordered according to my behaviour online. It's horrible.

<font color="green">Greenleaves</font>

[Overcastbutclearing]

(((GREENLEAVES))
It seems whether online or IRL I act so inappropriately @ times.
I am always causing trouble wherever I am because my mind really doesn't process things with the perception they should be received.
I often feel like I am going to be abandoned so instead of waiting for that to happen I will often do something so horrible to try and either 1) Get negative attention or 2) Run away before they can say they have left.
So, I know what you are talking about.
It is horrible. And always I regret things after I can calm down and think a bit more rationally.

Hang in there....

[Genevieve]

I've read a bunch of those posts you're talking about, and have a bit of advice for you about it:

You do threaten your life, and you don't seem to understand that others find that very, very triggering. That leaves everyone feeling worse after the interaction, which isn't what anyone wants.

You don't have to understand [b]why[/] others find the topic of suicide so triggering, but if you remember that it is true, and avoid that topic, I think you'll do much better. Also, when you write that you are going to kill yourself, I think you maybe are trying to convey that you're in pain. It's OK to say that you're in pain, without taking it that step further. You can say, "I don't know why I hurt so much." Others will understand that, and are likely to offer support, rather than getting into the sorts of muddles that have been resulting lately.

I'm sorry that you're in pain, and I'm very sorry that you're so confused by all this. Keep in mind that it doesn't have to be nearly as hard to get along as you seem to think. You do get support at The Other Place you're discussing, but you also seem to jump in without thinking. I hope your new meds help with all that.

Good luck.

[JustBen]

I'll second what Genevieve said, Greenleaves. Telling people you're in pain will result in good support. Posts about suicide tend to really work people up, though -- they get so worried about you that they can't offer the kind of support you're looking for. It's like if you saw someone with a broken leg who was standing at the edge of a cliff. You'd be so concerned with saving them from falling off the cliff that you might just tackle them to get them away from the edge -- even though that makes their leg worse. Does that make any sense?

[Greenleaves]

Thanks for the input people. What you say makes a lot of sense. So, instead of posting threats I should post about the pain I'm in and that way people won't get angry at me?

People getting angry at me made me a lot worse, it was horrible.

Thanks JustBen for that analogy. I'm going to remember "broken leg and cliff" whenever I start thinking about suicide again.

[Genevieve]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Greenleaves said:
Thanks for the input people. What you say makes a lot of sense. So, instead of posting threats I should post about the pain I'm in and that way people won't get angry at me?

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That's the idea.

Here's another thought for you: you never have to go to extremes to get support here or There. You don't have to say that you're in the worst pain there's ever been, you can just say that you hurt. People understand that.

I know that in many situations people don't quite get the level of distress you feel, so you've probably learned to overstate it, to say that you're suicidal when you're really only miserable, if that makes sense. That won't happen at either of these websites, and they're both good places for you to practice understating it a bit to see what happens.

I do hope that helps.

[Genevieve]

PS: things don't have to be severe to be serious. You can be mild BPD, or severe BPD, and it doesn't really matter. They're both serious, because they both result in significant distress.

[90mphINneutral]

Hun you've seen the way I am in chat... you know I have problems with that very same thing. The thing is, is that I can't help it, I don't think about what I'm typing, I just type it. You are not alone, many ppl are like this especially me.

[Genevieve]

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90mphINneutral said:
Hun you've seen the way I am in chat... you know I have problems with that very same thing. The thing is, is that I can't help it, I don't think about what I'm typing, I just type it. You are not alone, many ppl are like this especially me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Just because many people do something does not mean that it's OK to do it, and I wonder what you mean by 'you can't help it.' You do have free will, and, if you recognize this as a problem, aren't you motivated to work on it?

I guess the issues of "can't help it," "can't do anything about it," and free will are all pretty loaded for me, but I still think it's a voluntary abdication of responsibility to say such things, rather than the reality.

I've read a lot of Greenleaves' posts on the other board that she's referring to. What she's describing is very damaging, to Greenleaves and to others. I'd rather see her encouraged to work on improving her control than see others offering her a way to abdicate her free will. Does that make sense?

Or, maybe it's all just an age thing. I'm old enough to recognize that life is way too long to spend it being so miserable about something that I can work on. Maybe I can't be perfect -- this week, at least ;-) -- but at least I can try to improve.

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I've read a lot of Greenleaves' posts on the other board that she's referring to. What she's describing is very damaging, to Greenleaves and to others. I'd rather see her encouraged to work on improving her control than see others offering her a way to abdicate her free will. Does that make sense?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That makes a lot of sense to me. I know I have to change my behaviour. A good friend told me that when I do things like blame others for pushing me to the edge it is like an abuser saying that the victim pushed them over the edge...

I get that. I will remember that analogy and the broken leg and cliff analogy that JustBen gave to me.

I have to work on my impulsivity and control my delusions. My p-doc used the word "delusion" to describe when I think that others want me dead. He increased my Risperdal. Hopefully that will help me with those horrible thoughts.

I'm willing to change. I'm taking my time-out to work on myself. I'm going to try to be less selfish. I think when I am able to return to PsychoBabble that I will focus solely on helping others for a while....

That is what I'm doing right now. I'm saving my replies posters. When I get back, I will post all my replies. I can't afford to be blocked again. I really have to learn to control my behaviour. I want to make a good impression for when I meet everyone in Toronto next year.

[Genevieve]

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Greenleaves said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I'm willing to change. I'm taking my time-out to work on myself. I'm going to try to be less selfish. I think when I am able to return to PsychoBabble that I will focus solely on helping others for a while....


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You don't have to look at it that way, you know. I think it's probably healthier for you to be more realistic about the whole thing -- the key is "balance." That doesn't mean trying to turn yourself into Saint Greenleaves, offering of herself to others without asking anything in return, any more than it means only asking for other to support you.

Balance means that you ask for attention and support when you need it, and you offer support and attention to others. BOTH.

Good luck.

[Greenleaves]

You're right about the balance thing, but I still think it would be a good idea for me to concentrate solely on helping others for a while after I go back to PB. I want to establish a new habit of helping others more.

I think I've been really selfish. I talk too much about myself and my problems. I need to concentrate more on helping others. I will slowly start asking for help for myself as I get used to helping others more.

Right now I'm still replying to posts. I'm saving my replies for when I am able to post again. I'm getting into the habit of helping others while I'm blocked. I want to spend my block doing good things.

You are a good person Deneb.

If you post from your needs all the time then people tend to stop responding, or to get frustrated (because they catch something of your feeling and can't see how to help you).

And you seem to get this now.

I think the 'balance' idea is a very good point. If you sacrifice yourself too much for posting to others then your needs are more likely to escalate and it will be harder for you to regain your control.

But it is really nice of you to be thinking of how to use this block in a good way, and thinking about how you are going to act differently in the future to prevent other blocks.

People here have some really helpful things to say :-)

[Greenleaves]

Thanks wittgenstein

I know that I'm no even close to being the perfect person...no one is perfect. I recognize that I have many faults. Sometimes it just takes a while for one to recognize one's faults.

I see one of my weak points and I want to work on it. I want to improve myself to make life easier for me and for others.

I'm catching up on some much needed social lessons. :-) I hardly got any as a kid. I just hope that people can forgive me.

Okay. Don't forget to be kind to yourself too.
:-)