problems connecting

Once a year (or so) I need to whine about how lonely I am. I can't connect with anyone. It's my fault I know. Not only am I BPD but I've a lot of other issues to go along with it. I know how to express myself. I know a lot of stuff. But I don't really know how to be sociable and, frankly, I often don't want to be nice in the way that other people are nice. I've had confrontations with people that have told me that they aren't always happy but they act happy because they want others to feel good and because it's fun. I can't do that. I used to be very much the clown in social settings to lighten the mood and because I don't have anything to say. I don't do anything or go anwhere, which means I don't have anything to talk about. But when I was being funny it seemed people grew to expect me to always be funny and to always appear happy. People that only want to be around me when I'm funny obviously are not friends. Now I'm just this miserable person that doesn't want to try, doesn't even know how to try. I'm lonely, it's all my fault, and I hate it, yet I don't see how I can possibly ever change it.

hey. i have problems connecting with people sometimes too. sometimes i feel like it doesn't really matter how many people are around me... i never really feel connected to them. sometimes true isolation... comes from being around other people.

some writers talk of 'authenticity' where authenticity means being able to express how you truely feel, what you truely think, what you truely believe, just to express what is on your mind instead of having to put on an act, instead of trying to put on a happy face. a feeling of authenticity (in my experience anyway) can be hard to come by. it can be especially hard to come by when one is feeling depressed or low or irratible...

it isn't any fun when people have expectations on you to put on a happy face and act all bubbly and outgoing and energetic all the time.

sometimes i wonder, though, whether these are expectations that we put on ourselves as well. especially if we tend to hang around with other people who are like that when we are in a good mood. then the mood shifts and we give ourself a hard time, and the people are also giving us a hard time for it. sometimes i think that it isn't so much that they are meaning to pressure... it is more that they want us to be happy *for us* because it is simply nicer (for you) to be feeling happier.

but that being said i think sometimes sadness is appropriate. and contemplation and the like.

maybe...

it is about gentle steps...

maybe...

it is about finding people who aren't so bubbly and energetic all the time. people who aren't going to be as likely to have expectations on you to be bubbly and energetic all the time.

i don't know. it can be a hard one... sometimes it is about little steps. and even more importantly it is about not beating ourself up, it is about not putting such high expectations and demands on ourself.

i think there would be something abnormal if someone was uniformly happy and bubbly and energetic.

sometimes... it can be about pushing one a little to go out with people and stuff even when one is not in the mood.

sometimes... it can be about aiming for a 'pleasant' encounter more than anything else.

i dont' know. it is hard. but i figure things will change. and i figure there are a lot of people in the world who feel similarly to you... and maybe it is about... hooking up with some of them.

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special_k said:sometimes it is about little steps. and even more importantly it is about not beating ourself up, it is about not putting such high expectations and demands on ourself.

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Definitely something I need to think about more. I doubt I am aware of when the pressure is coming from others and when it's acutually coming from myself, I just perceive it all as someone else's expectation.

Thank you.

I have a lot of the same issues. It's easier online for me than IRL. I'm not actually sure how good I've ever been at being funny and putting on a happy face and all that, but I did find that when I was depressed all the time I drove people away. Even now, I'm discovering that the way I interact with people is rarely a good deal for them, as I tend to expect people to take care of what I need, and I don't think I can provide anything that would help them. What I am trying to do about it is to be more mindful of the impact that I have on other people, and what I could do to reciprocate more.

You don't have to be someone you aren't, and sometimes you do need to talk about your unhappy feelings. I guess the point is to be aware of what it is like for people to hang around with you. If it usually isn't a pleasant experience, people are going to spend more time with other friends, and who could really blame them? Personally, I'm not comfortable with people who are all bubbly constantly, and that wouldn't be me to act like that either. People can tell when you're faking something like that. But we need to watch the give and take and make sure that we don't just drain the energy out of our friends.

Rap

I'm not always miserable but I guess some people think I always look miserable.

The only time I've ever gotten along with people really well was at the last job I had. People there loved me, even those who were well aware of my temper. Some people sought me out regularly to talk with. I was some nobody, mailroom/shipping person amongst all these college grads in engineering and business management. They loved me but of course we didn't have friendships outside of work.

Maybe the difference was that at work you don't smoke and drink or have to pay in order to share time with one another.

Not touching the issue of why I don't get along with people online with a ten foot pole, not today anyway.

I don't really connect with people either and I never really have. I've had a difficult life but paste that damn smile all over my face. No one would ever get why I'm bleeding on the inside in pain because my emotions don't match. I guess it is called the borderline mask...hiding the terrible fearful emotions that are trapped. I know it is like murder to step out and try to socialize, but it is not worth it to try to make friends by being someone you don't really feel like being. That brings on the indentity crisis issue. I'll be who you want me to be.

I find that the older (and wiser?) I become, I have learned how to not care whether I fit in or not. I have always felt different, and I'm somewhat a loner. The people closest to me are my family and my fiancee. I have a few friends, but I have learned to weed out the ones who are false. I had friends who only wanted to be around me when I was in a really great mood, and they always expected me to entertain them. Now I have found that I'd rather be alone then put up with people who only want to be around when it's beneficial to them. It sure feels good to let go, very liberating. And you can sure tell who your true friends are when you're not doing well!

Zen

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zen13 said:
I find that the older (and wiser?) I become, I have learned how to not care whether I fit in or not. I have always felt different, and I'm somewhat a loner. The people closest to me are my family and my fiancee. I have a few friends, but I have learned to weed out the ones who are false. I had friends who only wanted to be around me when I was in a really great mood, and they always expected me to entertain them. Now I have found that I'd rather be alone then put up with people who only want to be around when it's beneficial to them. It sure feels good to let go, very liberating. And you can sure tell who your true friends are when you're not doing well!

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i'm pretty much the same. i've never been good at making good friends, in that i have a brief intense thing and then it just fizzles out and we drift apart. i've never been close to my family, really, but now, i do virtually everything alone. i've always been happier alone, i like my friends but they know not to pressure me. i would rather go out alone than with others. i've always been seen as different/weird/too independent so now i'm coming up for 30, i just do what makes me feel better, and hang out alone.

I'm comfortable being single. I've grown very comfortable with the thought of never dating again. I do prefer to do my own thing, but I have alway found more joy in things when I have someone that I can experience them with. I have always done so much on my own, I would like the experience of sharing with someone.

I've been in relationships but they have been bad and they were not the kind where we shared our joys and interests.

I love hiking and photography and as much as I'm ok with going alone it would be nice to have someone go with me.

I appreciate your comments though. I suppose I will eventually reach a point where I just accept my fate.

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It's my fault I know.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Anyone who suffers from a disorder has to learn what is caused by the disorder, and what is a deliberate act. Please be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time. It is what it is (((hugs)))

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