Connecting outside of therapy

I think going to therapy is helping me connect with people. This is not something I had expected. I think it helps that I am not depressed anymore, but also I think connecting once a week with my T is helping me develop "connection skills" that are transferring to some of my other relationships. I don't manage a spectacular connection with T each session, but more often than not, we do connect, and I have learned to do it better with him acting as the knowledgable "other half" of the pair. In the last few days, I've had some really good moments of connection with my oldest daughter and realized we really are close, and it makes me feel good to know that I have managed to develop a better relationship with her than I had with my own mother (not just repeating the patterns of my childhood). And this weekend I forged some moments of real connection with my own mother, which is like an unheard of thing. It's like wow, where did that come from?

Has anyone else found that the skills at connecting they develop in relating to their therapist have transferred to other relationships? Or is this just totally self evident and I am the last one in on this?

Hurray for you Sunrise!!!!

Yes, I've found myself slipping into "t" mode at times when I needed to communicate with someone difficult.

Hugs,

Jan

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sunrise said:
Has anyone else found that the skills at connecting they develop in relating to their therapist have transferred to other relationships?

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Over and over I notice this. I can barely have a conversation without questioning the honesty of what I'm saying. Not that was I ever a big liar (at least not intentionally!), but I've often suppressed how I really felt -- so often that I stopped noticing my own feelings some of the time. Therapy is teaching me to be more honest. That's not something I expected. I feel really good about it though.

Sidony

Dear Sunrise,

I used to have a counselor with whom I had a really wonderful working relationship. I've always had so much trouble with shyness, and talking with others. The more we talked in counseling, and I saw the safety and acceptance in that relationship....and worked on more of my issues about talking, with his kindly support....it helped so much to ease talking and visiting with other people. I still see the positive benefits of the time I spent working with this T, and the kindly and gentle ways he worked with me. It was a big gift in my life.

I'm so glad you've had a similar experience and can see good results, even when you're in other situations! I had found that encouraging when I recognized it, and I hope it is for you, too.

Thinking of you,
ErinBear

i am early in the process but i'm hoping for results like you describe.

sunny it's wonderful that you are feeling close and connected with your daughter and I hope you shared with her how you feel close to her.

it is so hard to swim upstream, to fight the current of the familiar and ingrained thoughts and behaviors. you have been and are working very hard. now you are seeing the payoff of your hard work in your experiences with your daughter and mother! Good for you!! I'm very glad for you!

I hear an awestruck but a bit skeptical "I'm proud of myself!" in your post. Yes! Be proud of you!



ECHOES

I am with you Sunrise and Erinbear... full of hope for Echoes and all of us. Hope and work does provide fruition.... a bit at a time to start and add on from there.

That is what is meant to be. Really it is....

Therapy gives hope...and permission....to be OK and to be better and more comfortable all the time.

Yes! I got the therapy/therapist connection thing but I also got how much better I got at connecting by connecting online at sites like PC too! I really dig being able to "bring" online friends with me when I go out into the "real" world and feel much more comfortable and as if they're actually with me when I talk to others or have a slight problem, etc. Having other real people to think about and wonder, "what would they advise?" really helps me.

I never thought about this until now. And it relates to something that happened tonight. I rarely go out with friends. Actually, let me make a correction-- I rarely have any friends. I feel extremely disconnected to people around me, and prefer to spend time either alone or with my husband.

Today I had to spend 13 hours in school. I had a class from 8 am to 4 pm (I have this for the whole week) and then a make-up class from 6 to 9 PM because the last one of the semester had been cancelled due to the nor'easter. So after it ended tonight, I ended up going out with 3 other people to basically celebrate the end, and blow off some steam. I had a really good time, which was... different for me. I did not really feel disconnected. I think I have realized, through talking to T, that it's not always 'me.' I'm always blaming that fact that I feel disconnected and do not make friends easily on myself. True, I do feel a serious disconnection at times, but I do realize that when I find people who value similar things to me, who have substance, and who are insanely passionate about something-- whether it's music, art, politics, whatever.... then I can get along okay. I tend to always attribute everything to my pathology and tell T that what I'm doing is 'not okay.' I think that I am beginning to learn, through therapy, that sometimes I am just looking for something a bit different.

And that's the only response I'm writing tonight because I have to wake up in 5 and half hours for another 8 am to 4 PM class-- Group therapy class!! Hey, by Friday I will be an expert in group therapy!

I recall the time my t and i were talking about me not finding my place in my community. She said that when I will find the right people I will feel connected. She said that eventually I will find it. And so it was. As I developed an identity I began to be drawn to people who share similar interests (yeah, I finally knew what my own interests are...) and indeed I now feel more of a sense of connection. In fact, I had to go away on business for ten days. I was so down....all I kept thinking was my neighbors, my friends, the people back home...oh how I missed the connections....

Yuh I think this is diffinately one of the most important by-product of therapy. I also feel that connection with my kids that I never felt before. I'm not saying its there all the time but I notice it when It happens.

I also find I have to question my motive behind any conversation I may have now. I see my own BS so much and understand so much better why I am acting/talking in such a way.

I'm not sure if others notice this also, but I do feel that maybe I am able to connect so much better now, that I can't always find others who can connect also. I'm so use to talking my feelings in T, and understanding myself that I forget the general population are not in therapy LOL! and I have to stop myself at times from revealing to much, especially at work when we're all just chit-chating.

I wonder though when therapy is over with, will things calm down and I will become just a regular bozo in life, but with that extra gift therapy has given me???

I think while active in the therapy process it does make things a little odd at times. A bit like when your learning to drive, you do everything just so, pump the steering wheel instead of crossin arms, and aware of other drivers and their bad habits??? Until your a qualified driver and you just drive and don't pay much attention to how you drive, or other drivers, unless they crash in to you of course LOL.

I think this is a planned result of therapy (planned by the process, by the T.)

Ts show us through their actions, words, and empathy how to handle life. Though their "modeling" of good behavior, we learn how to treat and converse with others IRL. It's a good thing!

Way to go! For noticing, for doing likewise!!!

mouse, I thought that was a really intersting post. Too bad I have to go to work and can't sit here and think about it more.

you know, I've communicated online for a little over 4yrs now..found it safer,easier. Well tomorrow my Online friend from America is flying over to stay with me! Once upon a time I wouldnt have been able to cope with this, someonen staying at my home! This time I am sooooooo looking forward to her coming...