[Kalamity]

Do you ever feel like the people that should know you need a reminder about your struggles? For example - my ex asked me a couple months ago if I wanted to go to a concert. Where has he been during the past four years? I've been 90% mentally/emotionally housebound. I don't even go downstairs to get my mail for crying out loud.

My daughter, who I haven't had a relationship with for a number of years, is preparing to go to college. She lives with my ex and my other son; he's helping her. He came to me a couple months ago with financial aid and loan applications. I filled out the financial aid application and tossed the loan aps in my desk. I've told my ex a couple of times that I will not fill out the loan aps. This past weekend he told me that the school was calling him about the loan aps. The school will not admit my daughter unless I fill out the loan aps.

Feeling frustrated as I am, I spoke to my mental health worker about it. I got the feeling that she thinks I should fill out the aps for the sake of my daughter. Umm ... excuse me. Have you completely forgotten everything you know about me? I'm paranoid (the kind I don't like talking about, and I have obsessive compulsive personality disorder. Combine the two and I'm not about to fill out forms that I don't believe I'm fit to fill out or which could cause me trouble. I am NOT credit worthy and the forms STATE not to sign if you are not credit worthy and not willing to be responsible for the loan. I don't trust my daughter as far as I can throw her. I once believed that she was trying to poison me, and I don't mean that I now think I was just imagining it, she just doesn't live with me anymore.

Somedays I feel like I have to ask people: you know I'm depressed, right? You know I'm paranoid, right? You know I am agoraphobic, right?

ARRGGHH!!!!

*sigh* That's a bit better now.

Jump and scream your frustration.

[(JD)]

YES! I have felt that way... my T worked often with me about it...and I do so much better on this aspect than I used to... though sometimes...you know..I fall behind.

I had to find "I" statements to give them...or at least to tell myself, so that I don't take the other ppl's ignorance personally.

"I don't follow your rules, I have my own."
"I don't feel comfortable with that."
"I won't be able to do that."
etc etc etc

Find some "I" statements for yourself, and stick to your guns. One of the good things about making a statement that expresses how you feel... no one can logically counter it. (You see, you aren't arguing with their point of view, putting anyone down or such..you are stating some truth about YOU and YOU are the one who knows it better than anyone else.)

I just don't explain to others anymore. I just make my statement. It's up to them to figure it out, if they want to. TC

[Kalamity]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:

Find some "I" statements for yourself, and stick to your guns. One of the good things about making a statement that expresses how you feel... no one can logically counter it. (You see, you aren't arguing with their point of view, putting anyone down or such..you are stating some truth about YOU and YOU are the one who knows it better than anyone else.)

I just don't explain to others anymore. I just make my statement. It's up to them to figure it out, if they want to. TC

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thank you. That's very good advice. I'll take some time today and write some "I" statements and then post them where I can actually see them and remember to use them.

hey. i'm wondering if maybe... maybe...

your ex asked you if you wanted to go to the concert because... he would have enjoyed your company at the concert and maybe the thought that you might give it a try?

(i just mean maybe he was trying to be nice rather than purposely hurtful... though i don't know your ex at all...)

er... what is up with the loan apps? i don't know how the US system works... are you being asked to act as guarantor (forry about spelling)?

can't your ex act as a guarantor?

or does she need two people to do that?

do you think that she won't pay it back and the collectors will collect the money from you?

er...

does she have other options if you don't sign the form?

sorry... i just don't know how the system works...

i mean...

yeah you are agrophobic and paranoid and depressed...

but your daughter is trying to go to college...
and maybe... maybe... your ex was trying to get you to do something that you might have enjoyed?

sometimes getting better... can be about taking small steps...

telling people how you feel...
'i feel scared about leaving the house so thanks for inviting me but i feel too scared to go to the concert'
'i feel scared that my daughter won't pay the loan and the debt collectors will come after me and i'm too scared to sign the forms'

and i guess...

you could decide to try and work through the fear...
(and other people could help if they knew that was what was going on)
or you could decide not to...

[Kalamity]

I don't think my ex was trying to be hurtful but I don't think he takes my problems seriously. We don't even talk to each other but when he chooses to bring my other son for a visit. He doesn't even allow me a role in deciding when or how long I see my other son. He calls on a Friday night and asks if I want to see him and I can say yes or no. That's the decision I get to make. I can't fathom why he would think to invite me to a concert.

As for my daughter, there's a lot to that story that I'm not going to tell because people don't get it from my perspective. She is a risk that I will not chance. She went to summer school last year to make up credits so that she could graduate on time this year. She didn't apply herself and now she's once again taking summer classes to make up credits. There's a history there and I highly doubt that she'll apply herself at college.

I don't have the answers to how she can get loans without my help. I can't make that my problem either, even if everyone else thinks it should be.

Sorry if I'm being defensive. I don't know how else to explain things sometimes.

[Rapunzel]

I agree with you on not co-signing on your daughter's loan. If you don't think she is responsible enough to hold up her end of the bargain, then it is her problem to figure out how she will get her needs met.

It sounds to me like you are doing a good job setting limits and standing up for yourself. You don't owe people explanations and reminders about your limitations. You can just tell them you don't want to, or don't feel comfortable with that. Giving them all the information about why not could be a further intrusion on your boundaries if you don't want to get that personal or just don't want to go through it again.

A wise member of this site once gave me this affirmation: "I am allowed to act in my own best self-interest."

Rap

hey.

> I don't think my ex was trying to be hurtful but I don't think he takes my problems seriously.

it can be hard when we don't feel like people are taking our problems seriously :-( i'm sorry you feel like that.

your daughter is close to graduation??

school can be hard...