Becoming a recluse

At what point do you think being alone (or the desire to be alone) becomes a problem or a disorder? I find the desire for a reclusive lifestyle very appealing. I love my house and the quiet. I feel the most at peace in my home with my children or alone. While I funtion well in social situations, I find "get togethers" draining no matter how casual the event. Is it abnormal to want to be alone more than to be with people?

I don't think it means that you're a recluse-it's what I would refer to as being a homebody. There are a lot of homebodies. A recluse is someone who never goes out for anything.
((((((((homebody)))))))))

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PoeticLiscence said:
At what point do you think being alone (or the desire to be alone) becomes a problem or a disorder? I find the desire for a reclusive lifestyle very appealing. I love my house and the quiet. I feel the most at peace in my home with my children or alone. While I funtion well in social situations, I find "get togethers" draining no matter how casual the event. Is it abnormal to want to be alone more than to be with people?

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i'm wondering the same thing: i'm going to the PD network this week for the first time and i think i have several elements of the schizoid PD. increasingly as i get older i want to be alone, all the time. i never enjoyed relationships and sex was always a big no no, so now i've decided there's no point doing these things just to keep with other people's expectation, so i've stopped. but increasingly, i will go to events or plays or concerts or films on my own and not even ask someone else to go too. i like nothing better than going in to central london and sitting in a dim sum restaurant, alone, with a book, then going to see a film, alone.

if people invite me out, i just feel annoyed that i have to spend time with them. i went on a hen night recently and although it was reasonably enjoyable it really just reminded me that i wished i was at home alone. tomorrow i'm going to the wedding and i just ... it's not that i can't be bothred, it's just i'd rather not be around other people, being on good behaviour, being sociable. i'd rather do nothing. on my own. always.

but i'm not sure how far is "normal" and how far is "abnormal" - sorry :S

I too wonder this...... for what and when is it a serious problem? - for I am slowly becoming a recluse (and) I only venture out for weekly food, household goods and doctor apts, and only then because it is part of my duties as the homemaker of the house.


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LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I don't know. Maybe we should look it up.

I feel as long as you are happy...and being alone does not bother you at all...then you are just being yourself and for you it is normal...It becomes a problem like when I can't go out because of my fears and anxiety...that is the difference...if You are happy with the things the way they are...then you are A-OK...lol...

I think it's a continuum like any other desire. I have no desire at all to skydive :-) That doesn't mean I'm risk-adversive. I only think not being with other people is bad if it's a defense against feeling. My sister-in-law loves being alone in her house on the side of a mountain but she still volunteers once or twice a weeki, (is married to my brother :-) and is active with her grandchildren and not "anti-social."

Could be though that if you ask the question there's some lingering problem. If one were comfortable with one's self and lifestyle then one might not ask the question?

After reading the kind responses here, I'm feeling much better and less like I've developed a problem. I like the word "homebody" that you used, Jax and it appeals to my sensibilities on the subject. I related to the statement about being annoyed by invitations, from you Dogtanian. This is me for sure esp. when my husband and I are invited on a trip where I'll actually have to be gone from my home for more than a few hours. But in the end, I feel satisfied that the word recluse is not applicable to me. Homebody is and so thank you for that.

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Bethsway said:
It becomes a problem like when I can't go out because of my fears and anxiety...that is the difference...

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Based on this bit of INFO - I am in BIG TROUBLE....... Sigh!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

((((((((Rhapsody))))))))

Yipes, Rhap! I'm so sorry...
What kind of fear and anxiety do you experience if I may ask?

Fear of People..... Fear of Beautiful Young Sexy Females to be exact and of the Sexuality that is every where to be seen.
Nerved by loud sounds, to much going on's, and the Eyes.
Fear and Stress of People wanting to much of me, needing all the time from ME.

I want to be left alone............... to do as I need and want - and only when I can.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Are you able to achieve the alone time that you need and do you find peace alone or does being alone simply keep you from having to deal with stuff? If there's peace as a result and a sense of wellness then being alone is a good thing, I'd think. But if the torment continues alone or out and about that's perhaps a different thing and worth digging into.

I do use being alone as avoidance for feeling overwhelmed. The pressure of the holidays is a tough time even tho I enjoy the merriment. The social obligations get to me quickly and I start finding excuses to be "unavailable". But I find peace at home either alone or with my kids. When my husband invites people over, I get annoyed. Space Invaders!!! I handle it ok, but would rather not open my doors even tho I love my friends very much. Are holidays especially hard for you, too?

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PoeticLiscence said:
Are you able to achieve the alone time that you need and do you find peace alone or does being alone simply keep you from having to deal with stuff? If there's peace as a result and a sense of wellness then being alone is a good thing, I'd think. But if the torment continues alone or out and about that's perhaps a different thing and worth digging into.

Are holidays especially hard for you, too?

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YES.... I receive great PEACE when alone, but become very agitated when others are around or to loud.....

YES.... holidays are becoming a nuisance to me these days - I would rather not celebrate them right now.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

i want to be the female howard hughes. independently wealthy and a recluse.

Here - here, sister! Lock the door and throw away the key! I could order whatever I need or want over the internet and just be all cozy and happy.

I have reclusive tendencies. When people ask me out I feel like im being forced out the door. I want to be at home. I want to be where i am safe. I hate xmas as everyone wants us to go out with them

Sentiment shared. In part, I've decided to stay in more and more due to a fall out with a friend. We've shared the same group of people as a gang of friends to hang withn for several years now. Ever since we called it quits, she's claimed that they chose to keep my friendship and abandon her. Every time I go anywhere with any of the old crew, she says she's left out and no longer has a life .... because of me. So I tend to turn down invites to avoid the hassle. (It doesn't work, there's still plenty of crap but it does give me an excuse to stay home!!)

BUT..... I'd prefer to be home ANYWAY with our without the drama-trauma. Especially in the winter. When it gets cold, I roar up that fire place, fix a drink and baby.... it'd take a vision of Mary and Joseph to get me to out the door. I can feel the chill in the air already.... ahhhhhh. Somebody pass the gin!

What keeps you home?

it's funny, i have become pretty much reclusive, but not because i'm anxious about other people but more because i can't be bothered with dealing with their... stuff. even the so called nice stuff bores me and bothers me. like, my mum wants to take me out to lunch. i've agreed to go next week but only so it's out of the way and i won't have to do it again for a while. i just can't be arsed. i almost hate the idea of going, but i can't even be bothered to do that.

the only real "anxiety" i have is when i go on public transport. i have "issues" i guess is the best word with people touching me, being too close to me, invading my space, and in particular elderly people. an elderly person only has to look at me in public and i'll go into a rage at them. if they sit next to me on the bus, or walk too close, i get more and more upset and i'll either totally retreat or just explode at them and tell them awful things that i have no control of.

but even that's not so much an anxiety as a total wish to have my bubble around me which no one can enter. when ever i go out i take my walkman with huge headphones that say "i can't hear you so don't even try to talk to me" and usually a book or something too so i can be "on my own" in the bus.

i've discussed this with the Tdoc and it seems that the elderly thing is a total terror of vulnerability, i don't much like small kids either, because they're also totally vulnerable and it freaks me out. i wouldn't say i'm scared of it, more averse to it. it makes me sick. it's something i will never allow myself to be ever again.

but it's also to do with me having my space around me that no one invades, ever, unless i allow them. my parents can't invade it, although they don't really understand and keep trying, even though i react badly, although my brother can because we've been more like mates than siblings for ages.

i realise i've gone off topic, i'm sorry, i really just wanted to say that it seems that reasons for wanting to be alone differ and vary. i don't feel much in the way of emotion, apart from when i am around people, i am usually thinking "is it nearly over yet? get me out of here etc". also, i have my appointment with the PD network on thursday so i'm trying to think these issues through anyway, and while i'm sorry for going off topic i'm quite glad i've had that little post to get things a bit straighter in my head

edit: one more thing, that i think is a bit weird, i like going out and about and i like doing things, but never with other people. i go to the cinema loads, always alone (well, 19 times out of 20), i go to plays alone, i go to restaurants alone, and i'm perfectly happy sitting there with a book. so i'm not a recluse in the sense of i always stay in, but i kind of am in the sense of i do everything by myself. and actually, i probably only go out once or twice a week.

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Rhapsody said:
Fear of People..... Fear of Beautiful Young Sexy Females to be exact and of the Sexuality that is every where to be seen.
Nerved by loud sounds, to much going on's, and the Eyes.
Fear and Stress of People wanting to much of me, needing all the time from ME.

I want to be left alone............... to do as I need and want - and only when I can.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">ME TOO.. EXACTLY what you said!!

For YOU and ME -







LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

I've become a recluse too... I'm only 25. I cant stand to be around people. I have 0 friends. It's strange how its happened so gradually that I can't see exactly when I started to change. I dont understand it. I use to be confident and outgoing, center of attention, tons of confidence. Now I'm a social cripple. I can't hold down a job because my personality is so unstable. I'm impulsive and indecisive. People don't understand why I act the way I do either... which of course only complictes things even more. What a mess.

What behavior have you exhibited (do you think) that has separated you from others? Do you think it's been deliberate? In pondering your dilemma I find myself asking, "How can one have zero, 0 , zeeeerrrrooo friends? Not one?"

See.... I DO deliberately separate myself and yet there are those "hangers on" who refuse to let me go. While it's appreciated I find myself a little annoyed all at the same time. But they are there, none the less ... How ever few -- they remain my friends. You, at 25, have no friends at all (as you've said) which lends me to believe you've chosen this and worked it out to your liking and have worked to make it happen. How did you pull it off? Is it what you truly want?

Here I am at 44, utterly jaded. No ego here when I say that I've got some years on you. Sheesh! Still..... I have only a couple of friends that I would miss if they disappeared. Otherwise, "what the helllllll!!!!" All the rest ----- even if they percieve they are "close" to me ..... I could cut loose and not know the difference. (Keep that a secret. They might be hurt!!! or maybe relieved???!!! Hee hee.)

I have come to see the reclusive lifestyle as one totally void of others (except those that simply must be there like doctors, grocers.... whatever......). It's a CHOICE. It doesn't happen naturally. By nature (I think) people gravitate to people. A "home body" lifestyle is where one likes to be at home more than out and therefore is home more than out but still has somewhat of a social life.... limited YES but existant. That's where I find myself.... I think. (After two strong scotches with a splash of soda.)

At 25 I was barely tolerable. Are you? And if so.... why? Not to put you on the spot here, just to get you to ponder it. "Am I alientating myself and is this really what I want?" If so, then bravo! You're getting there with zero friends, but if not (as your post would suggest) then let's dig into that a little.

Know that I don't have to know you to know that you are a valuable person by the simple fact that you exist. You aren't here by accident. You have value that I personally may never come to know fully .... but it'd be great if YOU did! In the meantime.... let's just wonder together if ZERO friends is really what you want. It's okay if it is....but let's just look at that a bit... okay?

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PoeticLiscence said:
What behavior have you exhibited (do you think) that has separated you from others? Do you think it's been deliberate? In pondering your dilemma I find myself asking, "How can one have zero, 0 , zeeeerrrrooo friends? Not one?"

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Once Upon a Time..... there lived a little girl that loved nature and the people around it, that was until someone hurt her real bad and then made her loose TRUST in humanity..... so as her old friends grew up and went away she refused to make new friends out of fear, hence why she is alone today - wounds / broken trust / sexual abuse / mean loved ones.

..... Does this story sound familiar?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

You are right. It's a choice I have made... for the most part anyhow. And when I think about it I do have a few friends. I've just crawled into a shell and pushed them away. I don't socialize beyond ordinary run ins with people in my day to day life. But I feel that this is the wrong way for me to be. I love being alone because it gives me time to think and space to breath. It removes all the imaginary threats that I'm incorrectly percieving. But on the other hand its completely self destructive. It dosn't come out of the desire to be alone, I'm hiding. It would be different if I liked being alone for the sake of being alone and nothing else.

Thanks for stimulating my mind