My dirty little secret(s)

I will see my T for the first time in over a month tommorrow. I lie to manipulate situations so I don't feel like I'm the cause of a problem. I've lied to several people for months on end and it's unforgivable. I drink too much and I crave attention.

I'm posting all this to say, I'm scared about tommorrow. Can I, should I, be completely honest and give all the horrible details that 'I' know exist? Is that the start of healing? Why do I do this too myself? Why do I do this too others? Why is it so hard to say the truth? Why I am I more concerned about anothers thoughts of me than I am for being honest? Why do I always bite off more than I can chew? I feel like I'm playing every position of my own silly baseball game. It needs to end. It needs to stop. I'm not happy with my choices but I continue to make choices I promise myself that I won't make.

Less then zero today, kids, less than zero. Love me, like me, don't come near me!

Can I, should I, be completely honest and give all the horrible details that 'I' know exist? Is that the start of healing?

Absolutely. As hard as it will be, as painful and scary...the truth is the beginning.

Every single one of your questions will
be something to work on in therapy. There is no quick fix, no magic pill, just faith in the process.

Below is the first post you made here. I remembered when you posted it, I thought wow, I know how that feels.

What stood out to me is...I just don't feel like I relate to anyone.

Thing is...I can relate to you.

the odd gal out...
#252948 - 12/20/05 09:05 pm

For the life of my I cannot understand why I always feel like an outsider. No matter what relationship (boyfriend, just friends, family, internet chat, forums) I just don't feel like I relate to anyone. I'm good at meeting people for the first time but after that- numbness sets in. It all just feels overwhelmingly empty

((((((((((Frozen Heart)))))))))))
Your post really touched me. I see great strength in your ability to be truthful with yourself. Its amazing step. You are not a frozen, heart, but obviously one that feels and thinks and is very deep. I just feel like you are going to feel a warm like a beam of light on you as you step foward in truth. A new freedom and confidence that will bring new joy and peace to your life. ((((((((((Frozen Heart )))))))))

I'm completely filled with emotion by reading your comments. I can't thank you both enough.

Does anyone know the song called 'Iris', I'm not sure of the group name, I have the song from the song track to 'City of Angles'?

'I don't want the world to see me because I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming. Or the moment of truths in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive'

Those lyrics just 'explain' me. I feel, at times, I'm just so far away from feeling anything 'real' because I'm too scared to really lay it all on the table. I KNOW the things I've done but I also KNOW the things that have been done to me. They are SOOOOO intertwined that I can't bring peace to myself. I feel my actions are a reaction to things that happened SOOO many years ago. Horrible things but, when thinking about it logically, it doesn't justify ALL the things I've done. I want to keep my children but at times, I wonder, how can I free them from the cycle or course that was passed down to me when I'm still learning to swim? I regret that I let so much time pass between my visits with my T. When I was going, I honestly felt improvement. She made me feel like I could forgive myself but she is the only person who would; I've never hurt her (I'm thinking of printing this page for her but I'm afraid I'll look silly or goofy or stupid or, crap, something).

I just want someone to understand and for a brief moment, you two made me feel that. I want to be ok in my own body, my own life, my own world but I hide so much that there isn't a soul on this planet (other than myself) that knows my destructive and selfish patterns.

(((((Hugs)))))

She made me feel like I could forgive myself but she is the only person who would;

It's a long haul on the path to forgiveness, especially when it comes to ourselves, but it's worth every step.

PRINT THIS!
You might even want to go back through some of your old posts and see if there's anything else you want her "to know."

I can't tell you how many times I've written something and held on to it until the end of the session...I would just casually leave it on the desk.

That piece of paper was like taking a fifty pound weight off my back.

Trust me, your T knows there's more to your story. They always do. And you won't hurt her.

You're on the right path Frozen...by recognizing these issues and how you want to improve and feel better, you WILL free you're children and they'll learn how to swim.

One kick at a time.

PS--Iris is by the Goo Goo Dolls.

It doesn't have to be an all or nothing affair. You can start by telling one truth. If you're in the habit of lying/have trouble telling the truth it can't change all at once and setting yourself up by believing you can "fix" it once and for all will lead to disappointment. Pick one thing you want your T to know and tell that. Not something you think they "should" know but something that it's important to you that they know. Were it me, I'd merely state I had been lying and wanting to change that behavior and discuss why you lie, etc. like you did in this post.

I have a T I can tell everything to , if I choose to..fortunately that isn't necessary! However, I thought he knew more about me than he did, at the beginning. (Don't know where that came from!) But I learned he isn't a mind reader. All he has about you is what YOU told him. (That can be scarey, yes, but that's so little information too!)

You don't have to share everything at once, oh no! Pick a few things, like the others suggested, that you really want him to know. Tell him he doesn't have to comment about them, you just want him to know.

TC

Things coming out a little at a time seem to be happening naturally. My nasty lying secret has really come to a head over the past week and looking back, I think it really leads to 'empty shell' or my lack of not feeling connected. One of the persons that found the 'truth in my lies' was extremely angry but now is calling and saying it's something we can work at and can be forgiven. I told my T all about that situation and she again just asks what 'I' think I gain out of doing that (lying). I guess (I always feel so unsure of my reasoning, like, perhaps I'm lying to myself; if that's possible) I do it to keep any from any sort of conflict or I don't want to say something that will alter anothers perception of me.

I dunno, I know it's a process to figure these things out. I just hope it happens before I hurt too many people.

Oh, my T said that she was thankful that I was honest with her. That sorta felt good to hear because it was difficult to get that out to another face to face. Then, at times, I think she's paid to be in 'my corner' because it just seems like I shouldn't be afforded favorable support because of all those things. I guess at the route, I'm not ready to forgive myself because, deep down, I know, I'll end up repeating some of those negative things.

My two cents are that I greatly appreciated it when the woman I’m seeing was honest with me. It meant more to me than if she could have followed through with the positive action in favor of the negative she took. Of course to me it didn’t seem that bad, I mean she just wanted to stay home and drink instead of coming over to a house with no beer. And she came clean the same day if I’m not mistaken.
I honestly can’t say how I’d react to a different lie or situation though. If any of that helps.

(((Luther))))

I have to give you a hug!!! I think you really started my journey on a big change. I hope all is better for you.

Dearest Frozen_Heart

Hi there how's everything lately really proud of u for doing whats right and which will benefit U Im very sure you'll be healed . And I wanna to assure u that ur taking small steps for healing Just Keep Going Ya!!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((Frozen_Heart)))))))))))))))))))))

with love
carol

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Frozen_Heart said:
Oh, my T said that she was thankful that I was honest with her. That sorta felt good to hear because it was difficult to get that out to another face to face. Then, at times, I think she's paid to be in 'my corner' because it just seems like I shouldn't be afforded favorable support because of all those things.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Think of the people you don't particularly like. Could someone pay you enough to pretend to like them, to work with them often and well and deeply enough that they wouldn't suspect? Why would anyone choose that as their life's work?

Wow. Glade to have been a good influence.
I do think it’s total possible for someone to lie to themselves. Well, believing that which isn’t true about ourselves at any rate. vanity or low self image come to mind.

You should definetly stop drinking altogether. You might be amazed at how much progress you make.

As far as the other problems... you just have to stop it. You know and feel its wrong... so don't do it. If you have the ability to understand a thing is wrong... you also have the ability to correct it.

The reason you do these things is because you allow yourself to do them. You can't go on thinking that your illness has some sort of supernatural power over you. It only controls you because you let it.

I think it's good that you shared with the T. To learn how to use that relationship is important. They have no vested self interest in a therapy relationship (they aren't in it for their own improvement) but are there totally for the patient. To hear what you think and what you are going through is tantamount to their being able to help. If nothing else, be honest with the T. Good going!