Everything is a mess!

Here I go again, I'm on the fast track to "Idontgiveadarnsville'. My house is wreck (it almost looking like the conditions I was raised in) and it makes me soooo angry. I know this makes me angry but I just 'can't' do anything or, better yet, I feel like each time I do 'tighten' something up, people just go right behind and destroy all of my work. I've never lived this close to my mother and I feel like I'm becoming her and I'm letting it happen.

Thank goodness I see the T tomorrow, maybe she'll give me some focus.

(I fibbed again, btw - it's hard to stop I guess. There is something, rather someone, I feel a deep love for but broke off the relationship. I saw him last night. I didn't tell my mother where I went and I'm considering giving him a second chance. If I were to give him a second chance, I'm just extremely conserned that people close to me will look down on me for that choice.

(( Frozen_Heart ))

Only you can decide if he is worth a second chance.

You are being really hard on yourself. I know how that is, but try to be as kind to you as you would to a friend.

Glad you're seeing T.

(((((((( Frozen_Heart ))))))))))

I sure hope your T can help you with these issues. No, don't begin again with that person, not just yet? IMO you need to work on you more, and a relationship not only takes away time and energy from that, but adds to the mix, imo.

<center></center<

I'm with Sky about a relationship taking away from work with one's self, especially if it ended poorly the first time.

About the "mess" and being angry, I would give yourself a break/rest. Things get messy when living happens. You can't sleep in a made bed but whether it's made or not is not what is important in life, whether you're living is! You can clean up the mess tomorrow or next week, etc. Let there be a little mess, it's not what is important, you are!

Guys, I'm on my 3rd glass of wine (which to me may or may not be a bad thing) and I feel compelled to tell you all the circumstances of the breakup.

For some, this may actually fall under 'relationships' but I truely belive that I suffer from 'BPD' and that THIS would be the best place for my confessions.

This is the deal (some may not want to post personal info on the net but for me; I'm just looking to see if I'm normal or cray')

Ready?

Mr. Wonderful (as I'll call him here) is from my home state. I met him after I wrecked my vehicle and took it into my insurance company's center of choice. When I firs met Mr. Wonderful, I had the 'feeling' of 'this is it!'. When I sat down in front of him, I wanted to be noticed (perhaps I'm a attention *****?)

What actually happened was that he asked me to dinner. We went to dinner in November and spent every waking moment with each other until July of the follow year (you must know that I have 4 kids and he has 2).

One night, as I was setting up my 17mth year old's play pen, Mr Wonderful was in the living room helping him get dressed. I heard a 'thump' and my son cry and thought perhpaps my son was upset about getting his pj's on. I continued to set up the 'pack-n-play' and I heard the same 'thud' and my son cry.

After I heard this for second time, I quickly made my way to the living room. Once I arrived, I saw my son (who is 16 mths old) laying face down on the floor. I was concerned.

I told Mr. Wonderfuln that I was concerned that he may have gotten frustratied and physically abused my youngest. He assured me that I was not thinking clearly.

The folllowing weekend, I was at Mr. Wonderful's house. I woke up the next morning to find that my youngest was bruised on his left temple and the bottom of his right skull. Mr. Wonderful asked me if that was going to add to my supicion (sp?) opf him abusing my child. I told him that it would definatelyb add to that concern and I quit seeing him.

'Mr. Wonderful' texted me yesterday. One thing that I realized was the fact that I DO love him. I'm not happy with what he did to my child but he (Mr. Wonderful) sounds like he wouldn't do anything like that again.

This is my problem; I love the physical about Mr. Wonderful, i enjoy his sense of humor but I can't decide whether or not he, Mr. Wonderful, will find himself helpless and take it out on my children. (I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I introduced my children to someone who would hurt them.

I don't feel like I've expressed everything completely. If anyone of you were to met 'Mr. Wonderful', I don't think that you wold be able to believe that he would abuse anyone.

What I'm getting at is that fact that I'm not sure if this was a isolated incident caused by alcohol and that his is truely deserving of another chance.

Do I love him because I wonder 'why'?

Do I love him because it was meant to be?

Do I love him because he 'makes me feel like women'?

Please be careful. What you saw and heard sound like definite warning signs to me. And it doesn't sound like he is very remorseful either, but maybe I'm missing something. Maybe even if he was resourceful it would just be part of a cycle where he would be abusive to your child and/or to you, then feel bad for it and beg your forgiveness and promise never to do it again, but the cycle goes on and on, and it happens again and again. People stay in relationships like that because during "the honemoon periods" it seems worth it, and during the abuse, they feel helpless to get out.

Are there any other warning signs? Does he get jealous of your other relationships (even platonic ones), or want to know where you are and what you are doing more than is reasonable, or try to get you to act in such a way as to please him, although it's not who you really are? How would he react if you told him you wanted to break it off? If he overreacts to that, there's another warning sign.

Do you know any of his friends and family members very well? I wonder if any of them could tell you what he is really like in the long run. It's also possible that he doesn't show them the abusive side either though, so it's not a guarantee.

It ultimately comes down to you needing to make a choice based on your suspicions and feelings and what you know. Just be careful, ok? Being borderline seems to increase susceptibility to abusive relationships. We need to watch out for it.

Rapunzel, thanks for your time. I personally, visited with Mr. Wonderful this past Saturday. He often tells that he would do anything to get a second chance. He tells that it makes him sick to think about what he did to my 'helpless' child (helpless is the word he used). He told me that he is in therapy and is taking some sort of antidepressant (not prozac but lexapro). He does drink everyday; that I'm certain of. He confessed that he used to 'get mean' if he was drinking liquor and was now concerned if beer was having the same effect.

I've explained everything to my T. I haven't directly asked if I should or should not give him a second chance and I really want to hear another opinion. Personally, I WOULD NOT be able to forgive myself if some time down the road, a similiar incident would occur.

My youngest is by far the sweetest and most manageable child I've ever been around. sometimes he actually wines to go to bed (he is on a religious routine and barely cries!)

I'm losing my point here. . .

Mr Wonderful has told me several times that he is sorry and would understand if I and/or my mother would never forgive him and give him a second chance. then he tells me how much he loves me, blah, blah, blah. Then I understand the feelings I have for him. I've never this physically attracted or mentally attracted. He has a great job, wonderful children, and a wonderful sense of humor. The only thing that I would have problem with is the fact that his family (mother and sisters) cleans his house, does his laundry, and helps him remember important school events.

I need someone who can handle being on a 50/50 team.

Then, after all of my 'I want him's' I recall my past. I have been beaten. I've been sent to an ER. My every waking moment was to be accounted for. I was chased down and tackled to the ground after someone felt I was paying too much attention to the opposite sex. I was thrown to the ground, punched in the face infront of a school bus driver (who did nothing) after my bus returned from a game and I was talking to a male friend from church youth group. I was actually snatched by the hair and dragged off the bus to his car. After I was standing by his car, the driver asked if I was 'ok', to which I replied, 'yes'. (what else was I going to say??) At which point, my 'boyfriend, grabbed my hair again to pull me into his car and punched me several times in the face.

So, I know all too well the 'honeymoon' period. Each time he (the old boyfriend who used to hit me) told me that he was sorry, it really sounded sincere; this is the cause for my reservation regarding Mr. Wonderful.

I have been abused by a past boyfriend. My step-father (obvisously my mother's new husband) pushed me down the hallway and kicked me repeatedly after I ran away from home (he was pulling back the curtains as I showered; they are still married).

I know how good and convincing it is when the abuser wants to ask for forgiveness. I know that I'm a sucker each time. I think that I'm hoping that it is because another person has caused this issue and not me. I want so much for someone to hear all my 'secrets' and still find me attractive or wanted or worthy.

Do I cling to the bad because it is what I know best?

Is Mr. Wonderful truely deserving of another chance?

I have no idea. . . should I accept the attention of a man who wants me to be his wife (from florida)?

Do I 'try' to get rid of Mr. Florida because I still have feelings for my ex-husband (I still love my ex-husband)

I duuno. .. I'm just yacking and yacking.... I need too stop.

For those who read the whole thing; thanks for sticking in there.....

I wish we could meet in person; I always paint the 'perfect' picture here.

Well, I'm still mixed up in my relationship mess but it only took me 5 days (I first posted on the 22nd)to self-destruct and almost lose EVERYTHING!!!

Maybe God loves me. . .

Don't worry about what other people may think about giving this guy a second chance. If in your heart you believe he
cares about you and you miss him, then what do you have to lose? You don't have to broadcast your decision to your Mother and others.
You might indeed be struggling to keep your house
clean or picked up while others come through like a hurricane and scatter your efforts to the wind. I love to use the Serenity Prayer as a tool to figure out if I can change the
situation or just need to accept that I'm powerless to change it. Then it's easier to let go of the anger that comes with expectations. However, being human, it's a process, not an event.
Ann

Maybe --and I'm just supposing here, it's up to you to think about the words -- maybe you "love" him because you are stuck in a drama that requires you to be in a relationship with an abusive person?

I'm sorry, any hint of abuse of a child and well, there is NO WAY I would condone that or make excuses or explain it away for any reason.

Take care of you, and those children

I have to agree wiht Sky. People that abused ghildren don't change so easily. Please be careful and try to think wiht your head right now, your child is at risk, that shoudl wake you up.

I would not give anyone a second "try" who hurt anyone I love or even merely "knew." I would be especially adamant if they hurt my child when I was not in the room to see what happened. There's nothing whatsoever that says it won't happen again and again, when you're not "there" and there's lots to say the person will make sure if it does that you are not even within earshot. If you had not heard the abuse and seen the bruises because you were worried then you wouldn't have known! You shouldn't need physical evidence to know a person does not have anyone's best interest at heart, especially a helpless child's. There's no way you can guarantee this won't happen again and being a gambling woman, I'm betting it will if you keep seeing this man. Words don't cut it in relationships, "actions" do and this man has struck out! I watched my husband's relationship with his ex-wife, his mother, my mother and myself for 5 years before I decided he was the right person for me. He didn't make a single mistake or worry me once :-)

'07 Update:

~2nd chance was never given the biggest prick I have ever encountered. (My only regret is that I had an ounce of sympathy for that %#@&#!)
~Have come full circle with the first love of my life; 20 years later.
~Accepted the love of my ex-husband's family members.
~Refused to allowed alcohol to run my life.
~Will ask for help when I am in need.
~Will not accept responsibility to the immoral actions of those that have negatively affected my soul.
~Will love myself

'07 Update:

~2nd chance was never given the biggest prick I have ever encountered. (My only regret is that I had an ounce of sympathy for that %#@&#!)
~Have come full circle with the first love of my life; 20 years later.
~Accepted the love of my ex-husband's family members.
~Refused to allowed alcohol to run my life.
~Will ask for help when I am in need.
~Will not accept responsibility to the immoral actions of those that have negatively affected my soul.
~Will love myself

{{{{{{{{{{{frozen}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm so glad you took the right desicions.
I can feel you growing in a way you weren't expecting, and I think, that is always good.
Good for you hon~

Thanks. .