Who Am I?

Hello all. I could use some much needed advice. Right now I am in a circular point in my life. It seems that ever since I was diagnosed bipolar I have been repeating the same small portion of my life over and over again. First, I exhibit symptoms of depression, then I exibit mania, then I decide I should get help because I am exhausted from my state of mania. So, I see a therapist and it starts to work and I agree to see a psych for meds and I get on meds and about 3 or 4 months in I decide I don't like the doctor becase they are impersonal and dont care about me as a person, they only seem to care about doing their job and could really care less about me individually or what happens to me in the long run (whether or not this is true does not matter. i am set in my mind that this is the way the p doc is and i suddenly dont like them). So, I decide to stop taking my meds becuase it clearly doesnt matter to anyone else so why should it matter to me and then I end up cycling through depression and mania again and then the same pattern happens over and over again. I have finally found a t doc that i like, but just recently started disliking my p doc and I stopped taking me meds and seeing the doc again. i need help. i need some support from someone who has had this happen to them before or something similar and what they did to overcome this. i have been reading up on borderline personality disorder and i think i exibit quite a few of those symtpoms and am now wondering if the docs even diagnosed me right in the beginning (my original p doc experience was definitely not at all to my approval - very very negative). So i am thinking that he was all wrong from the start and for the past 6 yrs perhaps the reason the meds arent working is because i am diagnosed incorrectly. please...someone help! thanks all!!!

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I understand what you are going thru and how you are feeling, for I too was there about 5 years ago..... I do not have BP nor have I ever been Dx with it - but I do have Clinical Depression / DID and I have gone the same things that you are talking about in my quest for healing.

Please Hang in there...... and please keep seeking out a T until you find the right one - one that cares for his/her patients.... it took ME going thru three T before I finally found the one that made all the difference.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Hi Castles,

Another possibility may be that you have BP and BPD. There are quite a few people with both. I think it is significant that when you stop taking your meds you cycle through mania and depression again. Do you think that you do that because you feel like it is what is supposed to happen when you are off meds? Or is it not something that you can control? (I'm not suggesting answers, just questions - nobody knows the answers but you.) A lot of people with bipolar disorder stop taking meds because they like being manic. They might not recognize the reason, and might find all kinds of other reasons, such as lot liking the doctor, or not believing that anyone really cares anyway. And maybe you are looking for proof that someone cares, too.

But let's try reversing this, ok? If it doesn't matter to you, then why should it matter to others? We're talking about your life, and you have the right to choose what you do with it. How does it effect you and others in your life when you don't take your meds? Is that how you want your life to be?

It really is not possible for anyone to help you if you don't accept help. I'm still struggling with that concept too. One thing I have learned in therapy is that there are some things I do for myself and some things I am willing to learn, but whenever anything falls into the category of thing that I think my parents should have taught me, and they didn't, I act helpless and refuse to learn and reject anyone's efforts to help me. I guess that is supposed to punish my parents somehow, but it really punishes me and people who try to help me, who probably wouldn't be trying if they didn't care. Rejecting help is never going to force my parents to care.

I hope this helps you.

TC,
Rap

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Rapunzel said: One thing I have learned in therapy is that there are some things I do for myself and some things I am willing to learn, but whenever anything falls into the category of thing that I think my parents should have taught me, and they didn't, I act helpless and refuse to learn and reject anyone's efforts to help me.

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This is a new insight for me. I hadn't even thought about it, but I also tend to pout and refuse to do things because I want someone else to do it and prove that they care. Not very productive of me. And you're right - I only make things worse for myself by not taking any responsibility for obtaining my desires.

CastlesMadeOSand - You sound angry, are you? I hope you find a therapist you like and with whom you can be angry and express your emotions. I had a psychiatrist to whom my only connection was that I found him intimidating. But having a good therapist made up for it at the time - I let the psychiatrist just be the drug man and did my real work with the therapist until fate put me in the hands of another more personable and caring psychiatrist. Hang in there.

((castles))

Just 2 quick notes:

One is, tell them about this, about your cycle and what happens; it's important and part of the process. They can halp you with it. When you break the cycle, as you already suspect, you'll start feeling better, I think.

Two.. commit (like I am this time) to going to therapy even when, and especially when, I feel like stopping. In fact, when I feel like stopping, that is my cue that it is time to stay put. It's hard, but I think it's really important.

Sice you cycle, if you stay put and hang on, I'll bet you'll get back to where you like the docs and take your meds again!

I am overwhelmed....and angry. You are right. I am angry because I feel like I let everything just keep piling up and now I don't only have one dilemma to deal with, but about 45. I don't even want to talk to anyone about anything anymore because I am at the point where I just feel I am complaining. And it just seems the more and more people that I meet, the more and more people that can ignore me, show me they don't care and then ultimately just disappoint me. Right now, I don't even know where to start with the psycho analytical problems I have going on in my head right now. I feel like all I really want is to find someone that can relate and say, I know exactly what you mean. However, all I really have is a big fat list of no ones or someones that just say, I suggest you get help. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the help and suggestions that I get, I am just lonely and feel all alone in this little corner of the world. Everytime I look around, there is no one standing there...just me. I am depressed and I can't seem to spin out of it. I miss living life and right now, what I am doing is not living, it is playing out a pattern. School, work, homework, chores, tv and this forum if I have time. Does anyone ever feel like their head is going to explode? I have so much that I want to do, that I have to do and I just feel at times that I can't even start cause I don't know where to start. Honestly, I really think I just want someone to tell me that I am crazy so they can dope me up all the time and I can just sit in a little cell and not even realize that I am thinking thought after though and that I am all alone. I am the most functioning dysfunctinal individual ever. I bet if you ever met me you would never guess this is all going on in my head. And yet, so much of what I do that goes unexplained could be explained so easily if I could just find that one person I trust enough to be honest with. Bottom line, I just feel I am on one end of a see saw with the other end holding everyone else and the only way to get there is to take this giant, uncertain leap that I am just too scared to do alone...but here's the rub...there's no one on my side to jump with me. So it's loneliness or uncertain fear and to be honest.......my mind is empty.

Ouch Castles. I've haven't experienced all of it, but I have lived on pure will power before. And even now I go through the nobody cares feelings. Just wrote about that to my therapist and psychiatrist tonight even. (My therapist said at my last or the session just before that I sometimes expect more out of someone than they are capable of giving me because of their own limitations.)

Yesterday, I was at a meeting where people are working on activities to get people together - and I just came away feeling so bad because I felt like I was being considered as one of the strong ones and that I should be lifting others - (is that what you meant by the seesaw?) - but I'm not, I'm struggling too and I need support too and instead because no one can see it (I'm too good at hiding my pain) more gets put on my shoulders. At least that's my distorted view on what happened. I cried all the way home from that meeting and cried myself into bed.

I used to be worse - living on will power as I said - but the medications have helped me so that I don't have to force myself to live anymore. My mind is clearer and doesn't run in circles so much. My emotional bouts are shorter instead of continuous. I have a psychiatrist who still cares even though I've hurt him more than once and a therapist who is sticking with me even when I can't pay the full fee. So I have an outlet to people who are at least listening.

I guess what I'm saying is that things can change with therapy and medications. Life gets more and more livable as treatment proceeds.