[TiredOfThis2008]

Hey again everyone....

I hope I am posting this in the right location as opposed to being in the relationships board....but, I suffer from BPD, so I felt like this was an appropriate place where others could relate the most to me.

I was diagnosed with BPD this past year and am still learning how to cope with it. I have a BF whom I have been with for a few months short of a year. He doesn't know I suffer from this and I am not ready to tell him yet.

Anyways, I am constantly battling the fear and thoughts that he is going to up and abandon me for any little reason or for no reason at all. I put all my focus on him and make him my main priority-which I cannot undo, as much as I try.

Anyways, I have a family vacation coming up in two weeks that he cannot make due to his work schedule. My problem is that I am very excited to go on vacation with my family but at the same time, I am deathly afraid that this will end our relationship. I am scared he will get mad at me for leaving....I'm afraid that the whole time I am on vacation I am going to be paranoid thinking this is the end, he's gonna be gone when I get back. I know I will be staring at my phone non stop waiting for a text or a call.

I've already started thinking for the worst, over a week in advance. Thinking that if thats what is going to happen, I just wish he would get it over with and leave me now. Even when that isn't what I want.

Has anyone else dealt with this and how do you handle it? I'm going out of my mind with these thoughts!

[iamtwilight]

I have it exactly the same!

dang, i don't have any advice because i'm not in therapy and i don't handle it well at all myself either. i guess... try to fight the urges to hurt yourself. rationalising is hard but i don't know. during the trip i was constantly thinking i had to leave him first, but then i kept telling myself i can't leave him without seeing him. and i also thought he had someone else but didn't want to ruin my holiday. and i tried not to think about it, i went on long walks, talked with my mom, listened to music, read books, did all sorts of stuff i enjoyed.

do you have a friend you can confide in? my former best friend lets me pour my heart out to him, i tell him he doesn't have to offer any constructive support, just say he is listening, and that helps. because sometimes the stuff i tell him is really rough. also if you can come to pc during the trip you can write about it here.

sorry if i wasnn't helpful at all. but i hope to hear from you more. sending you positive thoughts!

katie

[TiredOfThis2008]

Hi Katie and Thank you so so so much for your response!

Believe me it was helpful, just knowing that I am not alone in dealing with all of this helps me a great deal.

The thoughts you struggled with are exactly the same ones I am constantly thinking about. I keep thinking, ok, if something bad is going to happen I want it to happen before I leave for vacation. And, he is gonna be mad at me for going and want to break up with me for that, or he is going to find someone else if he hasn't already!

It's driving me crazy--it's all I think about!

I see my dr. every friday, he hasn't really been able to give me a fix for dealing with it though, other then he thinks vacation may be theraputic for me and may actually do me some good. I'm excited to go but I am afraid I am just going to battle these thoughts and have anxiety the whole time!

I won't be able to get to a PC while I am away, so unfortunately, I won't be able to come vent on here either. I will be with my family so I will have them to talk to. I often talk to my dad or mom, especailly my dad, when things get rough. They just listen and offer the best advice they can give. Even though it doesn't fix things, it helps just a little being able to express it and get it all out in the open.

Thanks again for your response and I would love to hear from you again!

[iamtwilight]

it's good that you can talk to your parents. very good actually. of course it doesn't fix anything like you said but you feel a lot better being able to say it and putting your feelings into words. i write a lot too, but it is more relieving when someone actually listens.

emotional vampire i know... but that'se the issue i gotta work on.

also, the problem with some bpd people is that they don't feel they deserve to feel the things they do. talking with people who sometimes validate these feelings helps.

do you have any meds for anxiety? going to a new place might add up to those thoughts and can help you through the worst bits.

i hope and believe you can have a wonderful holiday despite of bpd!

[TiredOfThis2008]

Hey again Katie!

Yes, I do have meds. And they do help to relieve some of the anxiety when it starts to get out of hand.

I have good and bad days as anyone does. I don't think a day goes by though that I don't have anxiety or worries or negative thoughts. Some days are just a lot worse then others. Like today, I am feeling a lot more anxious then normal, which is kind of really starting to frusterate me but I am trying to work through it and not focus on it too much.

Talking really does help. Whenever I can talk and vent it helps a great deal even if it doesn't make the problem disappear. It's just the whole release of it that helps.

I really hope I can enjoy my vacation too. Maybe I will surprise myself and do really well and not struggle with my emotions the whole time!

[BorderlineVNYC]

I have the same problems. When I'm away from the BF, I try not to think about what he's thinking or doing, and just focus on tasks to be completed or things that I truly enjoy.

I try to believe that he will be there to talk about everything later, and so far he always has. :-)

Also, you might want to find a non- threatening way to talk to him about your disorder. Chances are that he already has an idea anyway, and giving it a name may help him to understand a little better.

I try to find info online that describes some of my symptoms, and then leave it for my bf to read.

Hope this helps.

-Victoria

[x_BabyG_x]

I have the same situation, in august I am going for a week holiday with my family and he cant make it with me either...

Because he's going tenerife with his mate.

I know Im going to be constantly paranoid and worried, but I cant stop him from going because thats just stupid. At the end of the day, I trust him like the world, I know Im not really going to be alone and I just have to try and keep these thoughts at bay as much as I might struggle because my thoughts have nothing to do with whats happening in real life. Just keep this in mind.

To help me out a bit more, Im taking his teddy giraffe (dont ask lol) with me just to help me keep things into perspective. Maybe you can borrow something of his?

Dont worry about it hun, youll be fine and youll find he'll still be there when u get back!!

babyg xXx

[TiredOfThis2008]

Hey again everyone and thanks for all the kind responses.

They really do help-having others insights and thoughts to compare too.

Borderline- I try and focus on things that need to be done or other things that I enjoy when I am away from him. I have a hard time keeping busy though because I tend to just sit there and zone out and worry and wonder about what he is doing or thinking or planning. Sometimes I will be really good and motivated and keep busy but for the most part I just zone out and worry and make myself more paranoid then I started out being.

Baby G- I don't really have anything of his to take with me, aside from clothes, which I often wear when I am away from him, lol. I'm the same way-constantly paranoid and worried. Sometimes I get myself so worked up that I have anxiety attacks. I get thrown off and all out of whack if he even says he is going to have a guys night one night on the weekend as opposed to hanging out with me. I know guys are entitled to guys nights, but, it's just like another thing I can't handle. I just know I'll be all worried on vacation if he doesn't text me or call me and so on. I know that the majority of these thoughts are all in my head and aren't reality....it's just getting myself to believe them that is the problem.

[iamtwilight]

let us know how your vacation was?
and everybody else too who is struggling with this..