Add this to my list of issues (BPD)

Kinda long, so thanx to anyone who can help.

I used to be a frequent cutter (last time I cut was 3 months ago...relapse, won't happen again). I told my school counselor that I was a self-injurer when I was in ninth grade, she told my mom, and I got to go to hospitals, 3 times. Boy, that was fun! (sarcasm). It has been two years and I am now in the 11th grade, I'm 15, and because of all my issues I'm in a special education program inside of a regular schools. It's not 'cause I'm stupid, none of us really are...I actually am taking an Advanced Placement course with the regular ed population right now for a college credit. My program is for kids with emotional issues and we have staff:student ratios of about 2:8 and very good therapists.

Ever since I was in hospitals I was diagnosed with bipolar, ocd, sepration anxiety disorder, oppositional defiant disorder (very mild, I'm just really argumentative), major depression, and some type of social anxiety disorder.

And bordeline perosnality disorder traits, which I paid no attention to 'cause my bipolar was my biggest issue...NOT ANYMORE.

Lately I've been doing such uncharacteristic things. There's this guy in my program who I flirted with last year a lot. He's extremely manipulative and can have sometimes sociopathic tendencies, so he can be pretty mean, especially to me. He always says mean stuff to me and about me, but it doesn't bother me 'cause I know he's just showing off for his a**hole friends. Simply put, he can be a little abusive sometimes. He's never physically done anything, except for one time when I playfully pinched him and he slapped me. And yet I still mess with him. He has been able to convince me to get sexual with him...on a school bus...in front of about 2 or 3 other kids (usually asleep).

I know it's a very stupid and self-destructive thing to do (we recently got caught and I can't sit near him on the bus anymore), and now we are making plans to have sex outside of school. I dont' really want to, but I need something to do to cope with the boredom and emptiness I feel all the time. This isn't the type of person I am. He has a girlfriend and I don't care about him, he doesn't care about me. It's just that I prefer to not get emotionally attached, that way I can't get hurt.

I've also started to do just stupid and irrational things, not new for me but it's never been this bad. After me and this boy got caught the director of my program informed my mom and so to punish me and (really to unconciously get me back for hurting her) my mom took my cellphone away on Friday night. I was too tired to fight for it, so I waited until Saturday...her birthday. She was already upset and I made things worse for her by begging for my cellphone for about 5 hours straight. I broke a coaster, hurt my hand punching the wall, made scratch marks on my wall with some scissors, and threatened to cut myself. Why the hell did I do that? I was just so pressed and I truly believed that getting my cellphone back was the only way that I could keep myself from cutting. She gave it back after I refused to stop lying in her doorway.

There is so much more that I'm doing and thinking right now that is scaring the hell out of me, my mom, and my school therapist.

Bottom line, I'm scared that my borderline traits are becoming a lot more than just "traits." My therapist thinks so too. And really I'm not scared for me, I'm scared for my mom 'cause I love her and I don't want to hurt her anymore. But I also don't care enough to want to change. Part of me, like 60%, likes being this way. Craziness is all I've known for years now.

I just needed to vent.

Thanks for any feedback. <font color="purple"> </font> <font color="purple"> </font> <font color="black"> </font> <font color="purple"> </font> <font color="black"> </font> <font color="black"> </font> <font color="black"> </font> <font color="black"> </font>

Im sorry that things are spinning out of conrol for you. It sounds like you understand your need to separate yourself from this boy. Maybe there is a friend who you can tell to help you stay away from him. There are plenty of other activities in high school that maybe you can dive into. Maybe a youth group at church?

You are too valuable to allow anyone to hurt you (including yourself). Tell him that. Tell yourself that. Write it big on a piece of paper and put it on your wall. Your are special, and you will not allow other or yourself to hurt or abuse you. Don't listen to the part that says you like it. It lies until after you do it, then it mocks you. The truth is you are special. Stay safe!

esthersvirtue

My impression of what you are doing, from what you wrote, is that you are aware of the things you are doing that are harmful and destructive to yourself and to others, but that you don't have much desire to change, and stop doing those things. You express concern about your mother (although not for yourself), but you don't show your concern to her. Instead you act defiant. Have you thought about why you do that? What are you getting out of that (feelings, rewards, etc.) that keeps you acting that way? And where would you like to be in terms of your life and who you are as a person? What do you need to do or change now, in order to get closer to your goals?

One concept that I have talked to the girls I work with about, that seemed to have an impact with a lot of them, is cognitive dissonance. People sometimes act in ways that are not consistent with their beliefs, which causes discomfort. So they change their beliefs in order to feel better about what they are doing. We don't usually notice that we are doing that, but since you said you are doing "such uncharacteristic things," I wonder if you can identify what values or beliefs you have that you are violating, and what excuses you are giving yourself in order to live with that. You wrote about some of them in your post. Ask yourself if you really believe those excuses. It's easier to change our thinking than to change our behavior, but changing your thinking just gets you further tangled up. Changing your behavior to be consistent with what you know is right and what you know you need to do, and can do, is the way out of your dilemma. It isn't easy, and you will probably need help. You said that you have good therapists at school, and it sounds like your mother loves you and wants to help you too. And you can always come here for support. Let these people help you, ok? That means you will have to stop fighting against them, and you will have to be honest both with them and with yourself.

I wish you all the best. You can change. I know other people who are overcoming the same issues that you struggle with, and being able to express these things to us here in such an honest and straightforward way has you that far ahead of the game. You can do anything if you set your mind to it.
((((((((hugs)))))))))) if ok.

Wow. I do understand your placement in the LD classes, schools receive more money from the government for students there, and it's quite common for them to label "LD" even students who's only problem is being more intelligent than the teachers.

LOL cute. You're even arguing with yourself about being defiant! Once you accept the true problem, you can being to change it.

Sex is addictive, even when it is in spite. You are being used, and using yourself. I'm sorry to hear this, and hope you can find some self esteem soon. You say you aren't hurt by this guy and the situation, but the hurt shows in the "voice" of you post.

(((((onlykrc)))))) Welcome to psychcentral. I personally think you do wish to change, maybe even all 100% of you.. and that is one of the reasons you posted such "a long post." It's natural to fear change, even good change. Hopefully you will find the support here, and with your T, to begin to change, and take better care of yourself.

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Wow. I do understand your placement in the LD classes, schools receive more money from the government for students there, and it's quite common for them to label "LD" even students who's only problem is being more intelligent than the teachers.

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I haven't been labeled as having a LD, more an emotional disability I guess. They couldn't possibly say I have a LD, my IQ is 126, Superior. I like my program, the kids I'm around are just a bad influence. This is the happiest I've been since I was 10 and this is the only school I've been in that made me wanna learn and has given me the opportunity to learn.

I know I can change, I just prefer not to. It's making me so unhappy to stay the way I am, but I don't know how else to fill the emptiness. This boy is definitely not good for me, but he is the only boy I wouldn't be too upset about being rejected by, and I can't tell him no so I could never reject him like I do most boys and he'll never get his feelings hurt...mainly 'cause he hardly cares.

I have a lot of thinking to do right now, or maybe I'll just ignore my emotions and convince myself that I'm ok and this will go away. I'll be alright, whatever happens will happen and I'll deal with all my issues when they become too big to ignore.

Thanx for the responses.

That's what I mean, they take high IQ as LD so they get more money. And, actually, unless the teacher is sharp, having a high intelligence DOES make one learning disabled... unable to learn at the slow pace of others, considering many things as "common sense" when others really don't know the stuff... etc. that's what I meant.

You have a lot of anger, and center much of it at yourself. I hope you will be able to ease up some. Thinking is good... if you have logical thinking. What I've found, however, is when we are distressed our "logic" goes out the window, so to speak.

I like the one signature line of your own little world. The other two I don't...especially the one insinuating homocide. sigh.

Feel better.

Hi, Sounds like you are going through alot. You spoke of the kid's being a 'bad influence' and such.

All through life one will run into those who are seen to be 'bad influences' and I should know I have had my share and used that line. Only the bottom line in this and those who are negative to your wellbeing is the one thing I had to learn. I do not at times feel I have much control over my life only I do have Control over my CHOICES in which I make. If I know someone is a 'bad influance on me I can CHOOSE to continue to have this person in my life or personal space only knowing straight up the consequences of my Choice. Positive or Negative.

I had a T who had a poster in their office. The poster had a picture of a fork in the road with signs pointing down two seperate paths, one sign said something positive (do not remember) only the most important sign was the one pointing the other way that said 'NOT AN OPTION' I myself have to tell myself that there are many thoughts which come to mind and say no, this is not an option for me at this time in my life.

Best wishes