Just your basic insecure person

I have my up days and my bad days. I came here because for some reason when I am helping others with their issues, my own seem to fade away. I have a million friends, and yet I always feel so alone. Like no one "gets" me. I feel guilty on the days that I am feeling down, because in retrospect I have so many good things in my life that I know I should be appreciating. Everytime I make a new friend (and that doens't seem to be very hard for me) I am pertrified that I will lose them.... Infact, I am afraid of losing everything good in my life. I feel like I can't even enjoy the good things because something will take them away from me. When i am feeling happy, people love to be around me and they can't seem to get enough of me. I am a great friend to others, too. I love helping others because it makes me feel needed. But when I feel down, I know that I am the biggest burden to everyone who knows me, and I have to stay away from everyone I love, or risk losing them forever. I woke up this morning in my bad place. I was fired yet again from my job, and no one is being honest with me. I was told that I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't break any policies, but it's just not working out. The only reason I am not shocked is because I have been through this 38 times before. I hate that I can't figure out what I am doing to to cause my getting fired. What am I missing here?
The truth is, I really, really love people, and I want so badly to be loved by them...but I seem to scare everyone away...just when I need them most. I really want to fix this about myself, but I am having a hard time seeing myself the way others do. The truth is. I love me. I'd love to be freinds with me, so why is it so hard for others? How is it possible for me to love others so much and hate them at the same time for treating someone like me so horribly. It's like they get off on seeing me cry. I hate that I am so sensitive, but I hate even more people who love taking advantage of that.
Sorry to unload. It's just that I came here hoping to find others who would let me be exactly who I want to be without judging me. My biggest wish in life is having friends who will not leave me, or roll their eyes at me if I happen to say something dumb. I am sick of feeling rejected.

(((((((((((((((((((zarstar)))))))))))))))))))))))) My heart goes out to you. Welcome to the forum. I know how it feels to be so deeply sensative to rejection because it has happened so much. The pain of it makes you want to shy away from everyone. Its happened often to me. So lets us both know that 1. its not us, its them and 2. One day God will bless you with the relationships that you need. Im praying for you. Feel free to message me anytime. You do seem like a great person and I wish you the best.

Hi ((((((((((zarstar)))))))))) Welcome to our corner of the net! Please keep posting and maybe try chat ... you will find friends here who can relate ... You can also PM anyone here, including me!

Thank you all so much! I feel better already! It's so nice to meet such a supportive group of people. I have enjoyed watching your posts for awhile and I am incredibly impressed with how you maintain such positive attitudes. It's very comforting. It always helps to share, and know that we are not alone.
I am so happy to have found you.
I have an interview tomorrow for a new job, and could really use your good thoughts. I've never had a problem landing the jobs...guess I have a pretty winning personality in the interviews...it's keeping them that I am struggling with. I've been fired 38 times in my life, and I am only 30 years old. That has to be some weird record or something don't you think?
The bottom line is I want to grow and learn and better myslef by correcting my past mistakes. The frustrating thing is that I can't figure out what I have done wrong. After 38 times, I know it seems like it should be obvious...but people are always so passive aggressive. I've been told that I did a great job...but it's just not working out. Or, "Gee, you work so hard! It's just that your not as smart as we would like you to be." Now, I don't FEEL like a stupid person...but I am begining to think I am crazy. Like I have this false sense of confidence. What am I missing here?
I really want this job that I am going for tomorrow, but I am scared to death that it will only reject me like all the others have. I really want to go in knowing that it will be different this time. I just don't know what I need to do to make that happen. I am determined to make this one work...but then again, I was determined to make the last 38 work as well. I am just so lost. I feel okay right now, but sort of on the edge. Any advice? Any ideas what I could be doing to cause people to fire me? What are they not telling me? I know I am a good person with a big heart and I work hard, don't make trouble, I am always happy and peppy and agreeable...atleast I think I am. Is it possible that I am TOO happy? Does that scare people?

Well I am probably one of the least likely people to give job advice .... .... but what sort of jobs have you had and what job are you going for?

I can relate to the bit about doing ok at interviews but struggling on the job, but for me that was mainly because of my anxiety ..... I think ... well I do have a degree although I haven't really used it

Maybe being too happy might scare people I suppose... have you had counselling or seen a career counsellor?

I hope some of this helps

Take care,
Fuzzy

Do you see a therapist? I'd find someone to talk about and maybe even try to find some group therapy. In group therapy, folks will speak up and help you make sense of what's bothering you. Sometimes its very helpful to get other's input when we're confused. One person might be able to pinpoint the problem and you'll have a lightbulb moment!! I vote for talking to someone soon. pat

Fayerody,
Thanks for your message. Actually, I was seeing a therapist, and I adored her. I felt like I made leaps and bounds. After only a year of meeting with her she told me that she didn't see that there was a real reason for her to continue meeting with me...that I was one of the happiest and mentally healthy people she knew, and she believed I was using our sessions as sort of a crutch. It crushed me at first, but I realized she was right and decided to start journaling and meditating...all things that truley helped me find my center. I was so happy. I really felt that I had grown and that I could finally put all of this rejection behind me. I was sure that I had figured out that ultimately my paranioa of always getting fired was the reason I WAS getting fired. I got a new job and came in every day working hard and feeling confident. Then all of a sudden (and I really mean it, there was no warning) I was fired again. Now it feels like all the fears that I worked so hard to overcome have come back to haunt me. Whats more, I am worried that I was wrong, and I never really figured out the connection between all of these jobs. I have a theory that something about me repels people, and ironically, it feels as if it's the same thing that drew them to me in the first place.
Something else dawned on me last night...and I know this sounds weird, but it hit me like a ton of bricks...that people generally don't like others who have negative personally traits that remind them of themselves. I am wondering if in my efforts to "fit in" to each new environment...and I've always prided myslef in being very adaptable...if perhaps I project to these poeple their own insecurities? I don't even know if that makes sense.
Anyway, I HAVE thought about calling my therapist again..but I really wanted to try and figure this out on my own. It's one of the reasons that I came here. Once I have exhausted these efforts on my own, I will give her a call.
I mostly want to find out from other people on this posting if they have encountered similar situations, or if they have ever fired anyone who they knew was doing a good job because that person made them uncomfortable in some way. I worked so hard to kick my depression, and I was so proud of myslef, and feeling so great. I am not depressed, but I feel like I am standing right on the edge of that big black hole. I am petrified of falling in again. I am scared that I won't find the strength to climb back out again.