[SandyWeb]

Spinning round....

Spinning down, down, down....

down, down, down

to a speck

[(JD)]

we'll still see you and help you! What has you triggered, do you know?

[SandyWeb]

Everything is triggering me.

Seeing that notice about the eviction fund is really doing a doozy on me. I had an eviction notice last year, and it was the LAST straw to break the camel's back....and I slit my wrist open. One year ago next month. (Long story, but we weren't evicted).

We will be moving next month....and we haven't found a place yet...haven't been looking....can't stand feeling this way.

I can't work...I can't be around people...I have to pretend that I'm normal....

I saw a blooper on Jay Leno....newspaper ad for "Boneless Arms"...probably meant Boneless Ham....but threw me back into SwissAir crash....

I just gave away all my nursing books and supplies....even stethoscope and blood pressure cuff, IV hook-ups, wound kit.....EVERYTHING. Nothing left to show I was in nursing. Such a total failure. I gave it all to a nursing student this morning. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth....my future....now gone.

I have nothing. Do I go back to my abusive hubby? I have nothing. We are moving away, still on Welfare....instead of becoming a productive member of society.

I want to close my eyes and spin and spin....to stand on the ledge of my window and close my eyes....to spin and spin....

I have to pop pills to maintain any sense of balance....without them, I would be swimming in my blood.

A plane went overhead this evening.....a LifeFlight helicopter went overhead last night....sirens in the city....and the cool air outside my window.

I want to snap my fingers and be already in our new apartment. I don't want to go through all this anxiety!!! It is trying to crawl out of my tummy. I just want to hug myself and moan. I can't stand this. I don't like this.

And I've been going CRAZY with the Visa the past few days! I just want to be able to buy my kids all the clothes they would like to have. I can't stop spending....and it doesn't help relieve my tension, even though that's why I'm spending.....
Sorry for rambling.

Sandy

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((( Sandy ))))))))))))))))

That sounds so confusing for you, having all that going on at once, and overwhelming too. Is there anybody in your life you can talk to about it? A friend, a family member? maybe they would be able to help you and it would be beneficial to be able to talk about it to somebody irl who is friendly towards you and understands you.

[SandyWeb]

Thanks Silver,

I actually have an appointment to see my regular doc tomorrow. I'm asking for a Valium scrip. I usually get Ativan, but I need something that will stay in my system longer. Hopefully she will get me enough pills to last into July.

I just need to calm down on the inside.....I need to find my balance.

I don't handle stress well AT ALL nowadays....I fall apart inside....but nobody even knows because I continue to act normal. And I won't tell.....I will not tell......

As long as I make it through to July, I should be okay. All this happening right at my one-year anniversary for my suicide attempt. I don't feel like I can do it.

Oh, I just want to shut my eyes and wake up in July......with all the decisions and tensions and THOUGHTS behind me. I just can't do this thing called "life" anymore. I wonder if I'll ever get myself back again.

Sandy

Sandy,

Part of getting yourself back is the talking that you say you won't do. I understand the difficulty of it as I have spent years trying to get out the traumas inside.

How did the pdoc appt. go? Did she rx any longer acting benzo?

Please continue to find avenues to reach out to as this isn't something you can do on your own.

Have you been able to keep up with your walking? How about books on tape while doing that? Just some off the wall ideas to toss out there for you.

Life is the thing you are doing WHILE you're saying you don't feel like you can do it. Life is pesky that way. Keeps happening all the while we're trying to plan and regain control and such.

Do the best each day and try to let go of the rest. Be honest about how hard the feelings are and if they become dangerous again.

keep on Sandy. keep on please. We know that it is hard by the very act of posting on an Internet mental health support forum.....we wouldn't be here if we hadn't had some major challenges with our lives and dxs.

[(JD)]

Anniversaries are tough. ((((hugs))))

zh makes a good point... </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Life is the thing you are doing WHILE you're saying you don't feel like you can do it

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Schatze]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I just can't do this thing called "life" anymore.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

SandyWeb,

I can relate to your post and understand what you are going through. I struggle doing to the smallest of tasks...sometimes just getting out of bed to brush my teeth seems impossible. I have much better days now that I'm seeing my pdoc and on medication, but I wonder when my life will return to normal...I feel like I'm missing soooooo much of it that it wears on me and then guilt sets in because I'm not doing anything.

Keep posting and talking with us as we understand what you are going through and want to help.

((((((((((((((((((((((hugz)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Missi

[(JD)]

(we're supposed to brush our teeth too?)

[Schatze]

(at some point in the week)

[SandyWeb]

Zen, Sky and Missi,

Thank you for your messages. I seem to cycle through good and bad times. When you don't see me posting messages, it's because I seem to have a certain amount of control over my situation. I'm safe.

But when I start posting, it's because my mind is messing with me. I become unsafe to myself, and I reach out through these messages just for some contact with people......until I can get myself stabalized.

I knew this upcoming anniversary of my suicide attempt might make my sanity wobble, but I wasn't expecting to have these other stressors happening in my life during this anniversary. Ugh.

I cancelled my doctor's appointment the other day. No surprise with that! That seems to be my modus operandi! Lol. I already feel like a walking pharmacy, and I just did not want to go to my doctor asking for yet another prescription. I know she would have understood the need for a long-acting benzo right now....but I just didn't want to go groveling for drugs. Sigh.

Anyways, I increased the dosage of one of my ADs.....and that seems to have helped balance me out for the time being. I feel safe with myself again. I feel like I am in control of my mind.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for responding to me. It means so much when someone reaches back to me......especially when I don't post all that much here.

It's been one heck of a year. So many cops, so many trips to the hospital, and one nasty night that I still only remember parts of.

June 14th is my anniversary.......both of my attempt to go to Heaven.....and also the point where I began to live again. There haven't been any more cops for a year, there haven't been any more trips to the hospital for a year. It's been a struggle, but I'm stable now more than otherwise.

I feel strong right now about the upcoming anniversary. But if my mind starts going wacky on me, I'll reach out to you guys again. It really does help. And if I find myself really on the edge, I'll be sure to call 911. I still email one of the officers from a year ago. Maybe I could have him drop by on the night of the anniversary if he's on duty.

I wish you guys all the best!!!!

God bless,

Sandy

[(JD)]

Of course you should continue to "use" us and let us help and supprt you in those bad times... but may I suggest you come here before you get into those times, like now... stay throughout your anniversary... maybe with our support more often it might make the bad times easier or less often??? Just my wondering...

either way, you're always welcome here, and we all will help any way we can.

[SandyWeb]

Sky,

You are one of the most supportive people in this community. Sometimes it only takes an acknowledgement from another soul to make a person's day. You always seem to be there for others!! Thank you so much.

Today was okay. I was mostly stable throughout it. I've been able to calm down my MAD Visa usage.....I'll just have to have the strength to return all the goodies I ordered! Darn!

I consider our upcoming move to represent a major failure on my part. I did not accomplish what I set out to do....although I made a good run at it......but I flopped once again in my attempt at life. *big sigh* And it was my last chance, and I knew that when I went into it. Age and money makes it over for me in terms of a career. But, since I had my breakdown a year ago, I can't even interact with people now so....even a volunteer position is out of the question. So...I stay on Welfare....I stay dependent on others......I can't even afford to buy myself a new blouse if I want one!!! I haven't bought a new blouse in YEARS already. If we are low on food, I have to ask my parents (who are in their 70's) to help out their middle-aged daughter!!!!! SUCH A FAILURE!!!!!! And now there is no end to it. After Welfare, I guess I go on Disability.....yeah, right. Like the gov't will agree that I'm disabled.....I come across as perfectly normal...but acting "normal" is exhausting and takes its toll on me......

Okay, I've been rambling. Sorry again. I can't get my head around so many different things that I haven't even mentioned here. The anniversary of my suicide attempt is less than a month away now.....and I can't help but think about that. I just feel like screaming.....I don't know what voices to listen to....I don't know which ones are the good ones.....I think I'm listening and following the good voices, but then it turns out that I must have made a mistake....because everything has fallen apart.....and I thought I was following the right ones....but I guess it was just me....and I'm so sorry about that.

Thanks for listening. ((((Big hugs))))

Sandy

[Schatze]

Well, we can still celebrate your beginning to live again! We should send out invitations for a party and all meet in the party thread on your anniversary...I'm up for a party for SandyWeb!

Missi

[(JD)]

(((big hugs back)))) Thank you for your sweet words to me.

From what you write it sounds as though you accomplished more than you had before. That you did not meet your ascribed goal you had in mind of course would depress you. Sometimes we set unrealistic goals. With PTSD it is often impossible for us to establish reasonable goals without professional help. This is the nature of the beast (ptsd.) It is not something we automatically have control over, and just by knowing the problem does NOT change the outcome.

Parents are supposed to be there for us. Often when they are elderly they feel unneeded in life. Being needed, especially by a child should give them satisfaction (though they might not let it be known by the things they say!!!)

Oh sandy do I ever understand the "acting normal" comment. I am still trying to believe my T when he and I discuss this. It feels as though when I can "fit in" with society for a very short time, that I pulled it off, I faked them out just long enough... before I fell back into the true reality of my life. He turns it around, "reframes" it for me, and suggests that it it when I do fit in that that IS reality, and it is when I fall back into the depression and (il)logical thinking that that is when the ptsd has most control... wow. I am trying to trust him in this, and believe (without trying or applying my incorrect logic to it) just because he is my T and really cares for me and my mental health. He is an expert with ptsd... so he's right... right? sigh.

You must, first and foremost, listen to your doctor's voice. The T has no self interest , no self-serving motive to tell you anything that isn't for your own best interest. When we cannot believe ourselves, the doctor is there giving us the foundation.

[eskielover]

SandyWeb,

I understand what you are going through too. It seems like a rollercoaster that never ends &amp; no way to get off. It is much easier to stay away from people than to force ourselves to act as though nothing is a problem. I guess there is something good about having to be with others is that you at least have 1 foot grounded in what is your real world.

I'm also sure how hard it is to remember the aniversary day of your attempted suicide. I can relate to that because I almost was sucessful in one of my attempts...which landed me in ICU in a coma &amp; on a breathing machine because I had quit breathing. I can remember the it happening, but everything around it is just another black hole in my life. That may be good since I can't put an anniversary date to it.

I can also relate to "It's been one heck of a year. So many cops, so many trips to the hospital, and one nasty night I that I still only remember parts of". There was a time where I think every sherriff in town along with the paramedics ended up at my home. Unfortunately that period went on for about 4 years &amp; yes, I can only remember parts of that time too. Things seemed to straighten out for a few years until the trauma hit &amp; then I fell apart again &amp; am fighting my way through everything I went through.

If you don't have a psychologist, I would really suggest getting one. They are always there for you &amp; once they get to know you, they can work with you through all your really bad times. Family &amp; friends, along with us here at PC will always be here for you &amp; this is a wonderful group that provides more support than I ever could imagine., but I have found that it is also important to have a psychologist that knows the subties of PTSD &amp; knows how to help us work through the issues surrounding it.

I also agree with Sky in that you might want to hang out here a little before you have the problem so that we can hopefully help you through your rough time. You will find that even though we all have different situations that have put us into this position, that the symptoms are similar.

we are here for you whenever you are in need,
Debbie