Haven't seen you around--sending and healing thoughts and hoping you are doing ok.

caring for you my friend

[susan888]

(((Catherine)))

[Catherine2]

My thanks to both of you!

There are some legal issues that I thought I had more time to take care of...I should not have put them off.
The first steps have been taken, and I don't feel quite as pressured as I did when it became evident I had to take action sooner.

I have to admit to feeling betrayed in some ways...and of course that brought out some anger and grief and WTH feelings.

white_iris and Susan, thank you for caring!

In Peace

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Catherine )))))))))))))))

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((((((((((((((( Catherine )))))))))))))))

Thanks FP....

It's my turn to ride things out...
Ya know, it does not get any easier no matter how many times someone does it.
I'm never prepared for the intensity of my feelings. No one ever is...no one. jmo

Typing the words, "I feel betrayed" does not hint at the feelings behind the wall that has gone up again.
Sitting here weeping just a bit.
Just a bit.
I am falling back on the very familiar, "I will not let 'em see me cry."
It worked going through the childhood trauma, my time in Nam, and the other things.

It's going to...it's got to get me through this, too.
It's got to, dammit.

Catherine

well this stinks...just seeing those words in writing, out in the open
I'm going to shut down the computer so I can shut down my feelings or else I'm gonna lose it

((((((Catherine)))))
Hmmmmm, I think I remember a "wise woman" who said something about it being ok to experience those feelings----damn it is scary!!!! I admire your sensitive soul. You know you have feelings, you know what they are and I know you can deal with them and work thru them.

Yes, there is a time for shutting them down so you can do the tasks at hand. But, I do hope you go back to them, acknowledge them and experience them. I envy the ability to do that.

Supporting you while you work thru all this. Knowing you will come out on the other side perhaps exhausted, taking a few smaller steps, perhaps going a bit slower but victorious non the less in this particular struggle.

If you need to talk or anything, I'm a PM away.

[Catherine2]

wi

poking fun at myself...but my little applecart got pushed over and I'm royally POd , royally angry, and probably going to be a royal pain in the butt to the ex
'course I have been a PITA for years

my T session was interesting...after he got up off the floor from shock at what happened, I shocked him again by crying.
so much for "never let 'em see you cry"
but I feel ok with it being my T that saw the tears.

tears have dried
angry but I need to focus on what is the best thing for me, protect myself, and take that first step

first steps/baby steps...**** them
I'm going to get the ball rolling and deal with the other issues once I feel safer

Catherine

Originally Posted by Catherine2

wi

first steps/baby steps...**** them
I'm going to get the ball rolling and deal with the other issues once I feel safer

Catherine

How are you doing? That first push to get the ball rolling can sometimes be a bit frustrating, well for me anyway as mostly I am trying to push the ball, which turns to a boulder, uphill. sometimes would rather do the baby step dance.......
thinking about you.

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by white_iris

How are you doing? That first push to get the ball rolling can sometimes be a bit frustrating, well for me anyway as mostly I am trying to push the ball, which turns to a boulder, uphill. sometimes would rather do the baby step dance.......
thinking about you.

thank you, my friend...

I tripped yesterday...
not LSD but a day trip...got out of Dodge for awhile. it's amazing how fresh air does a body and soul good...especially if there are wind gusts up to 20mph.

I'm pulverizing that boulder; smaller pieces are easier for me to handle.
Tomorrow, it's back to my attorney to set up a plan of action.

Do I sound like I'm all right?
No...I'm not. But I am better. I think...
I think I'd better stop thinking about of all of this (yeah right)

Berating myself for not seeing it coming, feeling stupid that I trusted someone with a history of hitting below the belt, and generally beating myself up...K-Mart had bats on sale so I bought everyone they had left.

There are many useful things to do with bats----take 3 and make a base for a 3 legged table. You could turn one into a funny looking snowman by painting it, adding a scarf and some pieces of coal....add to that a birdhouse for your special chickadee friend. put the narrow side down, add a skirt, some hair and a face and you have a "friend" who can be your "sounding bat"....

Sorry----trying to add a bit of humor here.....

We all know that hind-sight is better than foresight. and it's easy to buy all the bats at K-mart and try them all out...I've been there too (got them on clearance at the sports store that was closing--can't even return them).

I don't assume you are "ok"--but you are a survivor. What ever it takes to work thru, push thru, without doing yourself harm, is accepted.
Glad you got to go "tripping". I took a long walk with the dogs today, enjoyed the long forgotten sunshine, and even picked a few chestnuts that the deer left behind.

I'll roast a few and we can sit and nibble and have a cup of real hot cocoa and paint our bats.......

[Catherine2]

wi...thanks again

chestnuts sound good as long as I can put them in a slingshot and take aim at the ex

I am struggling with anger, grief, and I'm soul weary from all of this
add in being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work that is involved
and I'm ready to grab the money and run

but I'll swallow those feelings because if I do not, it's going to get very ugly.

the biggest trigger/flashback feeling is one of being helpless with so much coming at me
I know I'm not helpless, but I do not see the crack that is letting in the light

(((((((Catherine))))))
I hear the feelings of being overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, and all that goes with them....
The crack is there and so is the light. use a bat to bite on. i completely understand the need to hold it all together and get thru---not that simple and not at all comfortable.
I am here. I will listen. I will provide a slingshot and a pile of unshelled chestnuts--they still have that prickly coat on them that smarts when you try and pick them up
I offer a hand, and ear and a wide shoulder when you need one.
one step in front of the other
make lists
write yourself notes
throw darts at pic of ex
depend on council and your T and anyone else who is there.

The light is there
the crack is there
and you will find it soon.

[Catherine2]

wi
thanks

at the rate I'm going, or not going, it's going to be a hot day at the north pole before I feel secure again.

two parts to me right now...
the hopeful, determined one
the sad and grieving one
add a third
the angry one

it feels like it's a luxury right now for me to take even a minute to look for that crack
no one is on my six

[Fuzzybear]

what does "no one is on my six" mean?
I live in a prehistoric part of the world and don't know that expression at all.

Sharing my cocoa with all in this thread.

[Catherine2]

on your six==got your back



In Peace

Catherine

i'm not going to be around as much
need to step back a bit and work on keeping safe.
terrible dark depression had hit and i'm on the floor right now--
guess the good news is the only way to go is up--at least
i tell myself that because the other way is down under......

i really hate this b'cuz i have no clue why i'm being slammed so hard..
T says she thinks a storm is brewing---i think i am in the middle of one.....
why don't T's understand that sometimes all the tools in the tool box are locked up and can't be used right now? Safety isn't just a physical thing it is also emotional......and where she sees something waiting to be discovered i see a meltdown coming and fear of being swept away and crushed......
ah the logical mind laughs and says no way......but long pushed away emotions are bubbling like home made root beer ready to pop thier corks and explode.....
haven't been this depressed for a long long time.....

sorry, you have so much on your plate and i feel like i just dumped but i did want you to know i am stepping back, not reading as much here (will check for PM's but not much on the forums....)

will check in with you to see how you're doing.

[notz]

I have lots of softballs.
I'll pitch and shag, if you care to put those new bats to good use.

Always on your six, my friend.

Catherine---how are you doing??
Thinking about you.

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by white_iris

Catherine---how are you doing??
Thinking about you.

in all honesty?
not too good
struggling with demons that I thought were dead/contained
sad
bad case of inertia...so many things to take care of, more things piling up, and putting things into some kind of order of importance is almost beyond me right now.

Combat PTSD post shares some of it; the rest of it is what's been dragging me down.

(((((((Catherine)))))))

listening