I have discovered my inner rage...

To make a long story short, I was contacted via facebook, several months ago by my abuser's younger sister. I last heard from her or anyone in her family 20 years ago. She knows nothing about the abuse. This has triggered major flashbacks, trauma symptoms and lots of new memories that I had repressed, and it has caused me to return to si once.

On the good news front, my overt trauma symptoms have calmed down so at least I'm not jumping out of my chair everytime someone sneezes in the office.

But I am at the rage stage. My T calls it progress. I call it scary and uncomfortable. I don't know how to express rage appropriately, and I know I'm capable of physical violence. I once pulled a knife on my father to make him back off when he was drunk, and once at a party I barely restrained myself from throwing someone down a flight of stairs when they grabbed my arms. I keep a very tight leash on myself for this reason.

I am having fantasy's about getting on a plane to Winnipeg and shooting my abuser. I will not do this.

My T wants to me to let my child ego state be free to express her rage while I visualize holding her, and sit with the feeling. My T assures me if I do this the feelings will pass. I want to believe my T, but it just feels so overwhelming.

In short I'm afraid of being overwhelmed by feelings and memories.

--splitimage

(((((Splitimmage))))

You are not the only one who has trouble dealing with their anger. When I was growing up I learned to push my anger down to make it through my situation. I have had to work on even realizing I am angry in some situations. It used to be that I wouldn't know I was angry until weeks after something happened. Now I am better with knowing when i get angry. I was able to use T to practice expressing my anger as it scared me. One time I got really angry with my T and all I did was briefly yell at her. It surprised me to feel angry and then better to know that that was how I would deal with it. Have you talked to your T about practicing expressing your anger in T where you have support and a safe situation? I know it helped me a lot. Good luck.

Safe hugs to you both!!! Yes, that anger part is a real bear. I have DID and my anger all resides with one alter who stays locked in a basement - to protect both others from us and us from others. But when anger is triggered, wow. I can usually manage to stay co-conscious but sometimes not. I am SHOCKED by what I watch from myself as I explode! It is like I am in the movie Excorcist or something!!!!

Anyway, safe hugs to you. You are NOT alone in this.

splitimage That does sound really overwhelming. Anger scares me, I don't like it at all. When I feel anger, I tend to turn it inward rather than let it out, so I really don't even know how to express anger or how to deal with anger when it's coming at me, other than just cowering and absorbing it.

I think it sounds very powerful to let your inner child rage like that, and also very healing to have you hold your inner child. I hope you can do it - maybe do it with T there, would that feel safer?

Many hugs to you!

You most likely picked up some message while growing up that your anger was not allowed. That message is probably still with you............

((((((((((((((((((Splitimage))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sending hugs to you, it's okay to be angry, and I know that is easier said then done, I have a horrible temper myself and like you I keep a tight regin on it, I have found from suggestions from T in the past ways to release my anger in constructive ways, like taking a walk or run, writing, drawing, painting, anything that lets me safely release the emotions without causing harm to me or others, I also have used writing down all my anger on a piece of paper then ripping the paper to pieces and burning it safely outside, I hope you are able to find a way to handle your anger and feel comfterable with it

Peace and hugs
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