[alesta]

hi there..i don’t know where to start right now, but really need to just talk..i looked at a book on PTSD at the library today, and it said that talking was important… i don’t have a therapist or anyone to tell this to so I’m going to try and get it out here..thanks for letting me.

I have the symptoms of ptsd, and they came on suddenly after a particularly horrific interaction with my parents…especially emotional numbness, desire to inflict pain upon myself, severe emotional pain, feeling disconnected from everyone else, I feel like I can’t connect with others, I’m really sad and serious now – the change is drastic…my former sense of humor is absent entirely. I hope to god this all goes away. I am feeling scared and alone and beaten up badly (emotionally).

I recently was living with my mom and step-father, who are both extremely abusive. my mom has NPD, and my step-father is just mean..has always treated me like I’m not there and when he does talk to me he tells me my life is my fault. Even when I’m crying and tell him I have no hope right now/am depressed he still says that. (he has been my step-father since I was 16, and always treated me like a nuisance and with cruelty/a heartless attitude.) He is really heartless with me. I know he would rather I not exist. I don’t know who is worse, him or my narcissistic mother. Living with them recently was *hell on earth*. They I am so traumatized from my latest interaction with them. It was *horrible*. I can’t even explain how awful it was. (this was yesterday.) I just couldn’t take it anymore. I started crying and screaming hysterically for them to leave me alone. It was awful I have become very bad off since living there. (one of my babble friends said I would be better off living in a box on the street than with my mother. I didn’t listen at the time. But she was right.) so I finally just decided to leave, for my sanity’s sake. I have no place to go, and am looking at shelters. I honestly am relieved to be out of that house..it was so bad that I really don’t care where I end up, as long as I’m not there with them. Seriously. Starving and being homeless is much more preferable than where I was. To give you an idea as to the trauma, I would say hands down that my parents were *way* more abusive than my ex-boyfriend, who was a crack addict. Now, crack addicts are no party, but are *nothing* compared to what I just went through. I hope to god typing this will help me heal..that someone will see my horrific suffering.

Thank you *so much* for taking the time to read this. It means the world to me. (i have no one to talk to and no therapist) I am so, so thankful there is a PTSD board here. You just can’t explain what it’s like to someone who hasn’t experienced it…I am so grateful that there are people here who can relate. Thank you again. I hope I get my smile back someday. I just took a serious beating (mental) and am not the same person I was a day ago. I am a different person. I’m scared. Will I get back to who I was? I don’t have access to therapy, or even a car…or home. Can I overcome this on my own?

Take care,
amy

[alesta]

this web site attempts to explain the unexplainable - the devastating effects of being abused by a narcissist. i guess i just really wish someone could understand...i think it will help my recovery to try and shed some light with this web site:

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal76.html

thanks again to anyone reading. i don't know what i would do without this site right now. i have no idea when i will have internet access again. it may be tomorrow, or it may be months from now. take care.

amy

[Junerain]

What courage!! Pat yourself on the back!! You stood up for yourself!! Feel free to keep posting here, in this thread, let us know how you are doing, how it feels to be safe, how the shelter is, we love you!! Once you are in the shelter, they will help you find a job and permanent place, shelters are good that way. make friends there, talk even more..why not post a poem in creative corner how you feel. It would have been easy to stay there yet you took the challlenge of moving out. We are proud of you.

alesta, i'm so sorry that your mother is such a mean person. you deserve so much more that that. please continue to post. i understand what you're going through. my mother abused me verbally for years when i was in my teens and during the early part of my marriage. we understand and we care. xoxox pat

[alesta]

thanks *so much* junerain and pat! i appreciate your kindness immensely. and it's so nice to have some feedback and support. thank you from the bottom of my heart, guys.

i am hanging in there. i might have a job in the works, i'm not sure, but have car problems. i'm hoping i can somehow get my car fixed or something..hopefully everything'll work out.

please anybody who reads this...*pray for me that i will have a car that works great and a job and a place to live.* (if i don't i'll end up on the street...please..:-)..i ask this b/c i believe in the power of group prayer...i've seen it help people before...i know it will help. thank you and bless you!!!!

hugs,
amy

[Schatze]

Welcome Amy!

I too suffer from PTSD and understand what you are going through. I'm very proud of you for taking action and leaving a bad situation and you should be commended for this. You seem to be a very strong person and try not to lose sight of that.

Find a shelter and let them help you as much as they can. Please keep posting here as we care about you and want you to be safe. You'll find many friends here, this place is wonderful. I feel blessed to have found a PTSD forum to talk with other people going through the same thing. You will enjoy it here, please keep posting...talk to you soon!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugz))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Missi

you are going into my sister's prayer circle, and also in my prayers.......xoxoxo pat

[alesta]

thank missi and pat so much..i so appreciate the prayers, and nice to meet you missi.

things have been *so hard*. (i run out of computer time here at the library in a couple minutes so i'm trying to rush this response...) i am officially homeless..i never, ever thought this would happen to me..my car broke down and then everything else went bad with it...i don't have family like most people...things have been so, so horrible lately..i have to call the shelters twice weekly to see if there's an opening..there isn't currently..i am living in my car..i wish i knew why are the odds always stacked so high for me..my whole life has been a living hell. i'm sorry to be so negative, but just when i think it can't get any worse, it does. i'm scared. and alone. and when there is an opening at the shelter, i'm scared of what that will be like...i'm in survival mode right now..i had a feeling this situation was coming ...

thanks for listening..just needed to vent.....the computer's about to cut me off...

take care everyone,
amy

[CedarS]

Big hugs to you, Amy, you are in our thoughts and prayers. I also have PTSD and can relate to your experience. Talk with us anytime you want here.

The shelter might actually turn out to be great, and my guess is that you'll find some good with the bad, and that this too shall eventually pass. Things will change and eventually smooth out for you.

If you like, some thoughts on what has helped me in similiar situations: forcing myself to remember the basics, like eating as regularly and as often as I can. Keeping myself hydrated. Jotting down thoughts and lists in a journal.

Sarah

Oh (((alesta))) sweetie you're going to get through all this. You're a strong young lady with many internal resources to draw upon. That isn't to say you're on your own but rather that you possess an independence that will help you during this next phase of your life.

I am willing to bet that the shelter system will be better than your mother's house. That sounded nightmarish I'm so sorry.

It is okay to be scared. It is a scary situation you're dealing with. Survival mode isn't a bad thing in a time like this. I really hope that when you are accepted into a shelter that you get enrolled in some women's support services for the abusive situations you've just come from.

You're right........you DO need to vent! Please do!! You're not alone in this as long as you are able to sign in long enough to type a "help" or "hello".

Worried but confident in you,

[(JD)]

If it is PTSD, then only expert therapy can truly help you progress... the sooner the better, or the longer and more difficult the therapy. Welcome to psychcentral, btw!

[Schatze]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs for Alesta))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hope you're doing well and you are safe.

[gardenergirl]

Thinking of you, alesta. I hope that your living situation is looking up.

((((amy))))

gg

[eskielover]

Alesta,

Hoping you are finding a place where you will be able to survive. It is good you are willing to do what is needed to take care of yourself. It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders & have ideas in place to put yourself into a safe place.

The important thing to realize is that with PTSD, it is not something you can care for by yourself....you are really going to have to look into well qualified therapy....not an easy thing to do....being one who has just been in that place.

I hope things are looking up without being around your Mothers home...no need to add coal to the fire,

Debbie