[AShadow721]

My story in short: Three years ago, I was kidnapped and held captive in a room for a year plus. The man that kidnapped me raped me many times and I became pregnant, which was the main thing he wanted as he told me. The whole time, the man allowed me to write my husband. However, he constantly threatened to kill him. He also would threaten to not let me receive his letters unless I followed the rules of what to tell him. I am here today, because of my husband and family who were able to find me. I had the baby and kept him. I struggled very much in the beginning, because I could see the man's face in my son. There were times that I had terrible feelings and images in my mind of hurting my son, although I knew I loved him and would never want to hurt him. I went through the feelings of extreme anger and feeling violent, occasionally acting on those feelings. I was so afraid, I couldn't leave the house. Every little thing that reminded me of the trauma sent me into panic. I did file a report a year ago, but I couldn't go further than that. The police could not find the man since he is undocumented. I want him put away, not for justice, but so that I can feel safe. The whole time I was pregnant, the man stalked me and threatened me. When my son was 6 months old, he tried to kidnap him. I told him I have a protective order and I haven't heard from him since. I feel that I am not in immediate danger anymore, but I know he's free somewhere and hurting the other girl he had there, whom is underage. I had told my story enough times. I was always so angry, until I saw a therapist a few times when I went out-of-state to visit my mom. Since October, I started avoiding everything to do with the trauma. My husband and I call our son my husband's to make it easier for me to deal with. I do love my son now more than anything. He is first in my life and I have never let anyone watch him for more than an hour, because I can't trust anyone with him. I know what people can do to kids. Since I started avoiding, I have been pretty much avoiding my whole life, because there are so many little things that can remind you of what happened to you. I thought that not talking about it would be okay. I thought not working though everything would be okay, and I didn't understand why people said I had too. It makes me panicky and angry to think about it. I don't want to be afraid anymore, so I deny my feelings and what happened. I wish it could just be erased from my life. However, I feel like I'm not living my life. I can go through a whole day without knowing what I really did. When I go to bed, I feel I just woke up. I don't understand why I have to deal with the past to live in the present.

I am so sorry this happened to you, AShadow. I hope that monster is found and put away for a long, long time.

I ask you this question: Is what you are doing now helping you to deal with the horror you experience? If not, why not see if professional help is a better option?
__________________

How are you doing, AShadow?

[AShadow721]

I've been very dissociative lately. I haven't been feeling much like my mind is here. This is how I have been trying to cope with this on my own. I try to avoid everything to do with it and everything that reminds me of it. But this way, you have to avoid so much. So much that you just feel zoned out all the time. Many times, I have no thoughts going through my mind at all. I went to see a counselor in September. He thought I need to be able to look at the trauma as if it was in a jar and I could just put it back up on the shelf whenever and not have the terrible feelings with it. Since, I didn't have much time with him, because I was on vacation at the time, I never really went into much detail into my story. And he didn't think that I should have at the point, because it may have brought on many feelings that he wouldn't have been able to help me learn how to deal with. And didn't want me to go out on my own with that. Since, I don't transportation and there is no public transportation and the city I'm currently living in, I don't think that I can receive mental health services at this time. I have been trying to get into public housing since May 09 and I had to reapply recently. The place I'm living in now will soon be foreclosed and at the moment, I don't know where I'll be going, but I have been hoping to move to the city, where there is a bus to provide me with transportation.

[WePow]

first of all my heart goes out to you and your son
It may be very difficult for your son when he does learn how it was he was brought into the world. I had a friend who was brought into the world in a bad way such as this and she was always at odds with who she was and why she was.

Please go very gentle with yourself and just focus on being the best mommy you can be to that innocent life. Both of you were innocent victims of a coward and thief.
Allow your husband to be the good safe arms around you that you need.
And know fully that all the pain you have and the emotions (even the secret stuff you can not tell anyone) that it is all valid.

Welcome to PC and I hope you find on here friends who care and can understand and will be there for you.

[Princess Butterfly]

I am so sorry for the horror you endured.You are so brave

[michele#3]

YOU ARE VERY, VERY BRAVE!! To have endured all of that and to have kept the child of your abuser.

[AShadow721]

Michele, it was a decision that took 8 months to make. At first, I was hoping I would have had a miscarriage. Because I had one with my husband, I thought maybe I would have. I even tried to kill myself. I took all the Paxil's I had left over after being switched to another medication, since Paxil is a category D. Nothing happened. Nothing happened to me or the baby. It most have been destiny. Then one day my husband told me he was praying for the baby, I wondered why the heck would he do that? He told me "the baby did nothing wrong, the baby is innocent".

After being constantly yelled at to go to the doctor by my family, I finally made an appointment. That appointment I was only supposed to see the nurse, but I got to see my doctor because some was wrong. The doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, so she gave me an ultrasound. That's when everything changed, I couldn't try to avoid it anymore, it was real. There was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to give him up for adoption at that point. Then the next appointment, I found out it was a boy. And my doctor wanted to pray for me and my baby (I never told my doctor what happened, I wished I had, but I just couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth.) During her prayer, the doctor called him my son. I started to question if i wanted to give him up then. She was right he was MY SON, he wasn't just some spawn of an evil man. He was mine. I started discussing keeping him with my husband.

Then, my grandmother started taking me to her chiropractor. I went there a few times, they gave me the sessions for free. Then I heard the doctor and his wife were wanting desperately to adopt a baby. That was the first time I truly a love for my baby. Even though I did feel angry, threatened, and possessive. I knew for sure I couldn't give him up. I refused to go back to the chiropractor. I could accept anything for free, since they were only doing it, because they wanted to adopt my baby. My grandmother kept calling. I usually ignored it. Then one time I answered. She wanted me to go sit down with the chiropactor and his wife and discuss adoption. I said no. She told me, "this isn't about you and want you want....this is about the baby...you're being selfish, you only care about yourself, etc." I'm sure no one tried to take her baby away from her.

Well my pregnancy was very complicated, I had a lot of health problems, I had gained 64 lbs (which I lost after 9 months). Besides all the stress, the things I went through and my husband too, I went through all that. I might as well have this little guy that could make me happy.

When he was born, I wasn't happy at all. He looked so much like that guy. I can't really describe the feeling. I didn't have anything to say to him. When they took me down to the nursery to see him, they asked me if I want to feed him. No, I couldn't. After I assume I got some rest, the nurse brought him to me and we got to bond a little. Then that night he was crying, so I just let him sleep in the bed with me. It helped me sleep to. Now he's so attached and so am I.

I did have terrible postpartum depression and my PTSD got so much worse. I felt intensely angry almost all the time. I felt violent. I felt like I wanted to hit my son at times. I had problems nursing, because I felt violated. That's when I felt I wanted to hurt him the most. I'm glad he can drink cow's milk now. I NEVER felt like killing him, like a couple of the doctors asked when I went for help. That freaked me out that they thought that. And the same ones also asked if I wanted to give him up for adoption. One asked me a few times. I'm not leaving my baby, I never will. It was really terrible, but I still loved my son, and I always will. By the way, he's MY child. =)

[lonegael]

You have a great gift for loving. Even though it must have royally pissed you off (asit would have me) the doctors were smply trying to head off a nightmare scenario for themselves, and for you. I had a nasty mixed episode postpartum where I would lay my boy in his crib, go three feet into the hall and slam my fists into the wall. I wish they had taken me as seriously as they did you. I am very glad that you have this loving gift, and that loving man, because I suspect these two things will help you heal, though it might take a long time. Huggs.
I hope they catch that man who hurt you. enough said.

[embracinglife]

AShadow, your story is truly incredible. I cannot imagine all of the pain that you have been through, and it completely makes sense that you would be so angry and not want to be reminded of the event. Honestly, if you didn't have that anger, I would almost be worried. I seriously hope that this man is caught, so that he cannot do this to anyone else. He needs to be locked up for a long time. And I hope that they find him and free the other girl that you say he had with him.

Even with all of the pain that you have been through, it is beautiful that you wanted to keep your baby and give him love and take care of him. I have no idea what that must be like to have a baby from someone who raped you and held you captive for several years. I can understand why you would want to forget about this event, and why you would feel like your life is meaningless, but maybe a therapist can help you to work through all of this and find some meaning in your life. I really hope you find a good therapist and get the help that you need, because I really think that you can get through this, and maybe someday you will be able to help other women who have been in this type of situation. I'm sure you would have a lot to offer to others. I hope that you find the support you need here at PC.

[WePow]

AShadow - wow. You do have a heart of gold. It may not be easy to be the mother you want to be to your son at times.... because of his father. But I am very certain you are indeed going to make the best mom ever.

I have not shared this on PC yet.. but when I was being taken advantage of by an adult when I was 16 (he was 24) - I got pregnant by him. I lost the baby after 3 months and he said it was my fault that I "killed" "his" child. I now know better. That man became my ex husband and the damage he did to me while we were "together" was beyond cruel in many ways.

There were many times I was so glad my child died before being born. But one day I had a dream and it was beyond a dream - it was so real. And I saw a boy standing in the corner of a bright white room wearing a white robe. He had his hands behind his back and just said "I love you, Mommy."

I cry even now posting this because in that momment, I fell in love with the child I never had. He looked a whole lot like his genetic father. But still, it was a pure love and he had done nothing wrong against me. In my case, the child was indeed far better off on the other side because had he been born, he would have been turned and raised by my ex who told me how he would raise a son to be a mass murder.

There will be times when you will see your abuser in your child and that hate for the abuser will happen. But knowing right now what is going on - and who it is you are actually angry with - that will allow you the strength to see past the genetics your child had forced upon his soul. It will allow you to see the innocent YOU in the eyes and face of your boy.

[AShadow721]

Lonegael, I had to lay my son down in his crib so much to go calm down, that he hates his crib. Thank you, for helping me understand the doctors, it does make sense, although it upset me so much. I do wish that your doctors would have taken you more seriously. Postpartum depression is a very serious issue. You're not only concerned about yourself, but also for your baby. Yes, my little family, they are blessings to me.

Graciemi, thank you. The anger is so scary to me, I feel like it is an evil spirit. But you are right. I do have a right to feel so angry. Thank you for opening my eyes. That little girl came from a very poor family. She feels like she is better taken care of by that man, because he fed us usually once a day, sometimes not, but usually. I've wanted to help her. She was the main reason I filed the report to the police, because I knew she was still there. When he was stalking me, he called me one time and he let her talk to me for a few seconds. She sounded so depressed. I hope to find a good therapist to. I'm hoping I can go into housing through a mental health place here in my city. The therapists would be right there close to me. I'm just hoping they will allow children into one of their complexes. I have to call them tomorrow. We don't have a regular nighttime residence as of yesterday.

[AShadow721]

Wpowers, thank you so much for your sweet words! I am so sorry you had to be married to an abuser. I supposed he forced you to marry him out of fear? He doesn't just sound like a terrible man, he is one. He sounds almost similar to the man that kidnapped me. Did you ever file reports about him? When you had a miscarriage, it was not your fault at all. I am sure the stress or abuse he put you through caused it.

I really hope that doesn't happen to the little girl, this man still had at least 2 years. He considered her his "girlfriend". He seriously believed we were both in relationships with him. This man is married to. And he wanted me to marry him also. However, the main thing he wanted was to have kids. I assume to sexually abuse them also. He told me that if I would have a girl, he would take her, but if I had a boy, I could keep him.
That gives me chills just thinking about it.

That was an amazingly beautiful dream you had. You're son is where he was meant to be. It was known that it was better for him to not enter the world where you were at the time. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

I used to see the man's face in my son so much more. The man has straight black hair, dark eyes, and dark tan skin. I have blond hair, blue eyes, and very pale skin. When my son was born, he was darker, he had darker hair, and dark brown eyes. Three days later his eyes turned gray. When his skin lost it's newborn look, it became a little lighter. When his newborn hair fell out at three months, at least a month later it started to grow in blond and curly like mine. At 9 months, his eyes turned brown and gray, just like my husband's. I believe he was made this way for a reason, so I could better adjust. I know that someday his hair will get darker and maybe as he gets older I will see the man's face again, but hopefully when that happens I'll be able to deal with it easier.

Thank you, those last words were so inspiring and sweet.