[TracyL]

I have now been in therapy for 1 yr.
I have taken every drug prescribed to me.
I have followed all directions given to me.
I have cried, screamed, depressed, and become housebound.
I keep hearing that I will get better.
I keep searching for better.
And I keep searching for better.
I want directions to better.
There are no directions to better.
And I ask - how does one find better without directions?
Again no answers - just "you will get better".
Tired.
Fed up.
Anxious.
Ambivalent.
Hopeless.
Does it even matter?
And I guess the biggest question is,
where is better?

[WePow]

((((( TracyL )))))

Consider how long did it take for you to end up in the emotional pain you are in? How many years? I have heard that for every hour of trauma, it takes 3 hours of healing. For some of us, that adds up very quickly.

The goal is to find out the roots of the pain and expose them.
Does your T focus on PTSD or trauma healing? It helps to have an expert in the area of suffering. If you are doing everything they tell you to do and you do not feel like you are making progress, it may be time to reach out and try something different.
There are many different styles of therapy.

It only matters if you decide it matters.
I just learned that myself the hard way. My T can not make me want to want to live.
My family can not enjoy life for me.
And in my case, medication only masked the roots further and did not allow me to see them. I had to see them in order to start digging them out.

You can find better... it is just on the other side of "I give a darn - finally."

[TracyL]

without sounding ungratefull,
I have reached I don't give a darn so many times,
cried over not wanting to live,
not cared if I lived.
and planned how not to.
how much lower is it to "better"
I know you don't have the answer, but thanks for reaching out.
You may be the light at the end of the tunnel and I thank you for that.
Tracy

[Evening]

The one thing that kept me going when I was at that point was the hope things would get better. I just kept thinking 'some really awesome better ******* happen to me to make up for all this crap'.
That eerie feeling that would come over me of how lonely I was, it was as though I was invisible to the people around me, they were completely blind to what was in front of them.

I truly never thought it would end, I found it so ridiculous what kept happening, all the bad luck, I thought I was being punished, I was racking my brain as to what it was I must have done to deserve it all. I thought I was a terrible person, I still feel that way sometimes.

I was given medications since I was 10 years old, I've been on too many to count and they all did nothing. I've seen counselors, doctors, psychotherapists, hypnotherapists, group therapy... It just felt like another person I had to talk to, I wasn't getting anywhere.
I even got to the point where I physically couldn't cry anymore, I could feel it but no tears would come. I wanted help, but I didn't want to ask, I'd call someone and then do the whole 'forget it, it doesn't matter' thing, and then wished I hadn't said it, but was glad I did, and kind of wanted someone to be concerned and come over but get pissed off if they showed up...

Nobody has the answer to solve it, no matter how many people you ask there won't be someone to miraculously make it all go away. And the torture of that seemingly never ending insanity can be unbareable. But it's not impossible thought that it will one day get better for you, I haven't had a break down in 3 years. Of course in that time I have had some hard moments, recently I thought I was on the verge of another breakdown but I realised it was just me coming to the realisation of some things that were hard to think about.
But the thing I thought was impossible has finally happened, I feel sane again, I feel like I can do stuff, I can get a job now, I'm cleaning my house, I'm getting better friends and ditching the worthless people, I haven't had that eerie feeling in such a long time.

You will get there one day. Don't think of WHEN it will get better, focus on it WILL get better.

[WePow]

(((((((( TracyL )))))))) There has got to be a root to your pain. I understand totally that pain. Like I told T a few weeks ago - "I can't believe it is normal to wake up every single day of your life and be sad because you didn't just croak in your sleep."
So I kept looking for that deepest root to my pain. A few days ago, I found it. UGGGG! It was a critical CSA event at about 3 yrs of age.

Now that I know where the deepest root comes from, I have decided that I need to find a way to take back what was stolen from me - my joy of being alive.

Just my experience - and who knows - I may decide still that it is just not worth it. But at least now I sense there CAN be hope.

[grizmom]

I've been in and out of therapy for 17 years and I've only taken small steps towards "better". But I guess if I've managed those steps, I'll be able to take more. I'm not going to give up...that (to me) would mean that the people who stomped all over me and crushed my spirit have won. And I'm not letting those ******* people win. Take care and hang in there...if you've been seeing the same T for all this time and you don't feel as though you've made any progress, maybe it's time to try someone new? Safe (((hugs))) to you!

[feary]

Originally Posted by TracyL

I have now been in therapy for 1 yr.
I have taken every drug prescribed to me.
I have followed all directions given to me.
I have cried, screamed, depressed, and become housebound.
I keep hearing that I will get better.
I keep searching for better.
And I keep searching for better.
I want directions to better.
There are no directions to better.
And I ask - how does one find better without directions?
Again no answers - just "you will get better".
Tired.
Fed up.
Anxious.
Ambivalent.
Hopeless.
Does it even matter?
And I guess the biggest question is,
where is better?

I am at the same point. I know I won't be well ever and I keep desperately begging people to help me but they all just say, everything will be fine, you'll get better but NO I WON'T.

wish you all the best and really hope you do get better.

[Typo]

(((((((((TracyL)))))))))

I think wepow and evening took the words right out of my mouth

Wanted to show my support, and send some peaceful thoughts to you

Best Wishes
Typo

You use the word "ambivalent" in original thread---which makes me feel that you feel that perhaps there is some hope for "better"? Yeah-it has to get "better".- It better get better!!! Sometimes it's just a teeny bit better. (not enough-but there it is)

"Will there really be a morning?, Is there such a thing as day?" I've forgotten the rest of the words to the poem so i'm lame in the head.-----the sun comes up every day (damn it-I hate that most days!), and it goes down every night--time just keeps on going on--whilst we hurt---but know this: You are not alone in your private hell------I'm in my own private hell next door----(((((HUGS)))))-we'll break out one day.

AS hard as it is, it takes time. time for the meds to start affecting you (about a month) and time to start healing. I hope you're also seeing a therapist for the emotional and mental support you need to get through this difficult time. Keep the faith up and your hope up- even thought it is hard. I reccomend distractions, fun activities, funny shows, websites, movies, etc. Much support and positive thoughts for you! =)

How are you doing, TracyL?

[KDlady]

I have wondered the same things - better for me seems to be so short term - one step forward - and one step back. No major breakthroughs and at times this is very discouraging.

[Nupoet64]

I agree with Grizmom. I have been in and out of therapy for 28 years. I have had more T than I can count, but only 3 that I know helped me. May be time to look around for other treatment options or therapists? I REFUSE to let the people that stole my childhood, steal my adulthood, as well....I will keep moving forward even if I am crawling!
I hope you find the help you need. Hang in there...we are all here for you.

[PleaseHelp]

Tracy, you described how I feel. I was misdiagnosed for over 8 years. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, this year they added complex to it. I have yet to really deal with any of it. I seem to be trying to just deal with the anxiety and depression that come with it so that I can "function" in this world. I want to get to the root and deal with it, just not sure how to get there.

Hope you are doing better and have found your way. (((HUGS)))

[Nupoet64]

Tracy, hung in there. Evening and Wepow are right. And I agree. If you are feeling like ther therapy is not working, talk to your therapist and ask some really pointed questions. What experience do you ahve with PTSD? Research the rtreeatment options, when you get a bit more grounded, and then ask them to explain treatment options for PTSD...they should be able to answer a few questions about trauma treatment and PTSD if they have the experience you need for the treatment.
Look for someone who KNOWS PTSD. It is complex and core damaging like few others. Somethings to keep your ear out for in the answers are things like, "wounded child", remapping the brain, grieving the loss of your childhood/innocence/safety/body, etc.
A pill for anxiety, hearing "it will pass", "how does that make you feel" and "stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself all the wonderful things about yourself" doesn't work for this. If it did, you would not need them...if you could think of a wonderful thing about yourself you could just move on...imo. This needs to be a deeper focus, to the core, where the pain lives...where it hides and festers....why is it there? what caused it? how do we deal with it now?, etc...you need a T that has some guts and knowledge and wisdom...and a good education... (You may have this in your current T. They may be waiting for you to be ready to deal with it before thye push it...that is why asking the questions is important.)

[feary]

unfortunately the only one who has the map to better is yourself

I HATE that and it is so difficult to accept but we must if we want to feel better but I don't know how to help myself

I was sitting in my therapist office today as she was speaking and talking to me about how I can help MY problem, I sort of tuned her out and thought, 'she has no idea how this feels, how in the world can she know how to cure it, she doesn't know, this is her job and she just suggests, really guesses what is right based on what she studied, she is not inside my head and body and I cannot describe it or make her feel it the way I do so why am I seeking help and comfort from her or anyone else as if they hold a magic wand to make me better.' I hated the realization but it is true. Only we can change and help ourselves.

If you find anyone that has recovered, and look at how they got better, it was their own decision and hard work

Look at all those self-help programs, panic away, linden method, these people found cures for themselves which made them better, they did it and that is what their programs are all about, you helping yourself, their fundamental rules are not to lean on others or outside sources for a cure because it is within you

so look within