[Samanthaq]

Okay so I felt like my therapist ws missing some things and at my best I'm not certain I'm communicating all that well, at my worst, well I'm trying not to go there right now . . . In any case, after having an attack I had to pull over and stop driving because I was afraid of wrecking the car, and because I couldn't see through the tears . . . Hey, maybe someone can invent eyeball wipers to get the tears out of the way while driving?

So in any case, here's what poured out of me then;
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
What is PTSD? PTSD is the ongoing invalidation and loss of self to the past. PTSD isn’t just the simple things like the finality of death. It’s the living death of those things ripped from your heart, your life, by heartless, selfish, insensitive men who violate our lives and bodies taking from us everything and nothing all at once.

Men can never properly understand the pain, the finality of rape, of violence taken out on a woman’s life simply because they do not at the deepest level understand us, or how we feel about things. We (women) are sensitive, emotive creatures and texture is more than something felt with fingertips and skin.

Violence against our lives, our bodies, our hearts and souls leaves damage that takes a long time to heal and the slightest thing can in an instant reduce us to hysterical, sobbing, wretches that frighten men. Men just “suck it up” and get on with life and such displays are weakness and they simply cannot have that.

Rape will never be taken seriously by men because they cannot possibly understand it and expect us to get past it . . . “Come on Lady just grow up, you brought it on yourself.” OR “Well, what did you do to bring it on?” It is the very act of dismissing the violence and pain, the trauma, the invalidation of our suffering because it cannot easily be measured that is the nothing.

When a husband rapes his wife it is even worse because the assumption is we surrender ourselves, our bodies, to men as in property and have no right to complain or refuse something that is his right! Men marry for sex, babies and so on. . . We are nothing but servants, slaves, sex workers, and private *****s. We are nothing and since they cannot of will not relate to what we feel it is as if it doesn’t exist.

I cannot even go near a Bed Bath & Beyond because it is one of a number of places my husband and I shared during our life together and while yes, it is a place where only good memories were formed it exists now as a part of a scab on my heart and soul covering the wound placed there by the violence, the betrayal, the violation of my heart, mind, body and soul.

He took everything from me when he left me after using me up and throwing me away like so much trash. It is the links and bonds that hold our lives together and make our history complete and continuous. By violating me and discarding me as a used and broken piece of property he has taken from me years of my life, years of memories, places and things and ruined them forever. Nearly a decade of my life is gone and even the good memories force me to remember the agony, the violence and this is everything.

I can be driving along and see something we’d both have laughed over – Now its like a bullet through my heart. Its not being able to go shopping without becoming hysterical and running from the building crying if I can even make it in to the store in the first place. Everything, everyone, makes me recoil in fear, pain, terror of it happening again.

My life has been forever changed and PTSD makes this so much worse because when the memories surface in nanoseconds I’m RELIVING the pain, the fear, the abuse and everything is gone. The ground I have gained trying to heal is taken from me. I’m back in that place with Earl screaming in my face or demanding sex the way he wants. It’s his hands beating me, his eyes filled with anything from contempt to rage and hatred boring into me, through me. It’s the feelings, the texture, the taste, the smells, the light, sound, tone of voice and so many other things that in a nanosecond end my life once again.

PTSD is like dying a slow horrible death at the hands of a horrible, evil person intent on inflicting intense pain and then when you think it’s over, think you can crawl into the loving embrace and peace of death because it’s finally over you find instead you have been resurrected only to have to go through it all over again, and again, and again. . .

. . .and every time you go through it the pain is every bit as real, every bit as dangerous and damaging so that when you are done you never want to have to go through that ever again. You are left drained, soaked in sweat and in pain, tired of being treated this way. You want it to stop and it gets to the point that death makes sense because it will, you think, finally end the pain.

Treatments for this takes time, there are drugs that can mask, minimize some of the body’s reactions to things even numb ones heart, mind and soul so that living isn’t constant agony. But, it’s a fine line between being drugged into a flat state, a pain free life that is that way by virtue of the fact that you can no longer feel anything!!! This is not living either SURVIVAL means finding new ways to live and means time to heal enough to be able to leave the house, go to the store, meet people and talk to them, maybe even work.

This all takes time and so much hard work that it’s the only “fulltime job” you’ll have for a while. Like I said, medication can help block some of this, can help ease the depression enough to keep one from ending the pain. It can help one get back and forth to Doctors and Therapists who first have to understand what you are dealing with before they can help you learn new ways to deal with, you guessed it, everything and nothing.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Gracey]

Wow. . .you hit something deep within me.

[(JD)]

(((hugs)))) Welcome to psychcentral... looking forward to discussing this more with you in the future... tc

[Samanthaq]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Gracey said:
Wow. . .you hit something deep within me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm sorry, but I guess that makes sense as it came from deep within me. I really, really want to get better I guess I have to first get to a place, a point in time when I feel safe and I haven't quite made it there yet . . .

[Samanthaq]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:
(((hugs)))) Welcome to psychcentral... looking forward to discussing this more with you in the future... tc

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I guess it was one heck of a way of saying hello, I've been there . . . AM there too?

My "door" is always open and I'll discuss as best I can when I can, so I may not always have an immediate responce, but I will get there. Not something I EVER wanted to know about!!!

[Flutter]

Welcome Samantha to PC.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugz))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Yack]

Wow...I was in an abusive relationship for only a short time...the man stole $10,000 from me, my credit cards, etc....and threatened me that if I came forward he would come after me and my family. He is going to prison.

I was in school to be a therapist, had a great future, and now I am barely hanging on. I had to go to court and it "triggered" everything. That was January. I stopped functioning. I resisted medication.

I have been a vegetable for 7 months, I tried to go back to school and I couldn't...

I have just started taking Lexapro, plus 1.5 mg klonopin. I can't do much of anything.

I have constant ruminating thoughts about what happened to me...I recite the dates over and over, began throwing up, lost weight...it has been a nightmare. The purpose of the drug is to slow down my thoughts so I don't keep obsessing.

Your story reminded me of what happened to me...any help would be great.

The therapy I tried to do was useless because I was so scared I could barely leave my grandmother's house, where I was staying at the time (another reason for the meds).

I have had 4 days on the meds, mood better but side effects are there.

I wish I never walked into that court room...I am afraid this will ruin my life forever...

[Samanthaq]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Yack said:
Wow...I was in an abusive relationship for only a short time...

...I am afraid this will ruin my life forever...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Oh my, I'm so sorry Yack. Goddess knows I wish I had the answer, some answer for you. I've been a vegatable now for more than a year, I want it to stop, I know better than to say I want MY life back because I know that's not going to happen. I do want SOME KIND of life back . . . I know I'm not ever going to have the life I dreamt of, but at this point I'll be happy with a home I can feel safe in, and the ability to leave the house. I'm on Welbutrin now for about a month and had a horrible experience finding out I wasn't taking enough. My Doc wanted me on 150mgs a day, but I started on half that to be safe based on everything I read. Well now after Friday I'm on 150 and its starting to work but I still have a ways to go. I'm on Xanax for the anxiety when I need it because it comes and goes.

I used to joke; "Of all the things I've lost in life, I miss my mind the most!"

It's not a joke anymore, not even close because the one thing I always counted on the most has now been taken from me . . . Making matters worse, my therapist doesn't seem to be on the same page. I'm working on it . . . I think I'm the first women my therapist has had to deal with who has so many things to deal with and recover from and I'm not certain she has any background in PTSD, GAD, and Domestic Violence . . . She keeps trying to get me to "create" my future by "visualizing" every last detail. I start looking at details and start triggering, again and again and even with meds wind up in so much trouble and pain that I want to end it all. WIn/win talk and so much positive spin that I wind up with vertigo and want to throw up . . .

I really like my therapist, she's a great lady, but I'm growing concerned I'm going to need to get another who has more background. Answers, wow, I so could use some! Right now I'm holding on, praying and hoping that things are going to get better before I run out of energy. I really need my lawyer, who also doesn't seem to get this, doesn't know how to handle things and it is just making things worse.

I want a life back, and if I figure out how get there I promise I'll share. In the meantime I don't want to leave the house, talk to anyone, or do anything. I go back and forth to therapy, doctors appointments and get dragged out of the house by roommate periodically because I'm afraid of her too.

I had a career and used to make good money, travel and was in demand as a computer consultant. Yes girls know about computers too for all the good that does me now . . .

I keep telling myself I've been through worse, I can survive this, I HAVE TO survive this to really prove that my husband and in-laws are animals . . . I'm going to make this, I'm going to survive, I'm going to recover at least some of my goals . . . YOU CAN TOO!!!

[Hope4me2]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Samantha}}}}}}}}}}}}}
welcome to PC and so sorry your going through this...what you wrote is so true and so powerful...you are very talented with putting your thoughts down on paper...good way to get your feelings out...
Have you shared this with your T....when I write things down or post here I print it out and take it in with me for the next session....take care and look forward to getting to know you around the boards...
xoxoxoxo

[Samanthaq]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Hope4me2 said:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Samantha}}}}}}}}}}}}}
welcome to PC and so sorry your going through this...what you wrote is so true and so powerful...you are very talented with putting your thoughts down on paper...good way to get your feelings out...
Have you shared this with your T....when I write things down or post here I print it out and take it in with me for the next session....take care and look forward to getting to know you around the boards...
xoxoxoxo

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

First please forgive a question from the new girl, but what does it mean when you do;
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hope4me2}}}}}}}}}}}}}???

Second, well yes I shared this with my therapist, I've been less than pleased with the responce, on the one hand she looked like she was going to cry and said, Oh Samantha I'm sorry I had no idea . . . Then she said okay, we'll get to the PTSD later and went right back to trying to visualize a new better future. I don't get it . . . I'm trying to heal, trying to keep from sinking into depression so bad that I want to end the pain for good, and she starts talking about "creating" my future by fixing it in my mind and visualizing it clearly.

Mind you I tried to do things her way, and that sank my into a depressive state in spite of the meds. Okay, so the meds were a bit low in dosage, that's been fixed now, but still. Last thing I need is someone having me do things that trigger . . .

Last thing I need is someone not listening to me, working with me, hearing me. That is another big trigger with me, my husband and in-laws did this to me all the time . . . Wanted more and more from me and didn't listen, didn't answer my cries for help, support, tenderness . . .

Oh, okay, I'm not going to get myself started, I need to try and get some sleep . . . Tuesday I have to goto Social Security ALONE and deal with beurocrates who are there to tell me NO, something I have trouble with . . . I spent years working, paid into the system, and don't want to be on it, but I don't have much choice because my lawyer is screwing up my divorce and making things worse by not listening to me either . . . I'm trying to heal, want very much to get some kind of job, but I have to take meds to be able to function, and well the amount I need to take to drive to work, hold down a job, deal with people, fight the fear and terror eating my soul, AND drive home makes it impossible to drive, OR function in any meaningful fashion . . . So I wouldn't be able to hold down a job, deal with people, drive OR fight the fear and terror oh AND keep my from having flashbacks when I hear the wrong tone of voice or any number of hundreds of other stupid things that set me off . . .

Sorry . . . Didn't mean to go off, time for a Xanax I think since I'm starting to get panicy again and my head is racing, again . . .

Yeah, one thing I have going for me is I can write . . . My diary has volumes, just for this year I wrote so much already. I get about three and a half to four months to a standard 200 page composition book. Who knows, maybe I'll get well enough to write "Hubby Dearest" from the heart, and from my diary entries . . .

Dear Diary,

Hope4me2 says I can write! Seems there may be hope for me too? Please? I'm a good girl. I did nothing wrong. I did not cause this. I did nothing to deserve this. . .

[(JD)]

those (((( ))))) are hugs (like arms wrapped around you??? Some ppl use {{{{{ hugs }}}}}}

[Samanthaq]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sky}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Honestly that's what I though that meant, but I don't like to assume!

Thanks!!!

[Samanthaq]

Hello Fury and thank you!

I'm amazed, and starting to believe all the people who tell me I should write for a living, you are not the first, and this is not the first time so, thank you!

I know my T's heart is in the right place, she just doesn't understand yet the she hit some of my triggers in a major way with this "assignment" I'm working on a piece to explain what went wrong to hopefully avoid something like that again.

I'm being patient, or trying to, it's just that between my triggers, anxiety issues and hormones I wound up crashing big time in spite of the meds. Meds adjusted, and my brain rebounding, I can start working on putting together enough information to help my therapist better understand what exactly happened . . .

[Junerain]

You have a lot of insight into your problems, and insight shows you know yourself and your relation to yourself is growing..do you journal? I go to an online journal aboutmylife.net and I write..you guessed it about my life!! I agree you could be writer and maybe a journal will help what's deep down emerge into the light, where it can be seen and understood..I know what you mean when you wrote about your therapist's response and you so wanted it to be different that's hard, I reada book where you become your OWN therapist then the response is exactly as you want and desire. I was raped too and it helps to talk and or write about it, you are brave. I know what you mean about the life you desire deep down I always try to battle with life, LIFE STOP THAT EMERGE THIS WAY NOT THAT WAY..it is sad that you may never get the life you truly want deep down but there is a chance you still will. I just had to respond to your post it also touched me deep down. Thank you for just being you.

[Samanthaq]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Junerain said:
You have a lot of insight into your problems, and insight shows you know yourself and your relation to yourself is growing..do you journal? I go to an online journal aboutmylife.net and I write..you guessed it about my life!! I agree you could be writer and maybe a journal will help what's deep down emerge into the light, where it can be seen and understood..I know what you mean when you wrote about your therapist's response and you so wanted it to be different that's hard, I reada book where you become your OWN therapist then the response is exactly as you want and desire. I was raped too and it helps to talk and or write about it, you are brave. I know what you mean about the life you desire deep down I always try to battle with life, LIFE STOP THAT EMERGE THIS WAY NOT THAT WAY..it is sad that you may never get the life you truly want deep down but there is a chance you still will. I just had to respond to your post it also touched me deep down. Thank you for just being you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wow, I'd hoped when I published this piece that someone would be able, in some small measure, to understand what I wrote. I never dreamt that so many people would be able to directly relate to what I had to share. I'm digging, when I can handle it, into the damaged areas of my life, working very, very hard on healing.

I "prefer the tactile sensation" of writing in a notebook much of the time and as such go through something like three or four 200 page composition books a year. I have quite a collection going back a ways that one day, will make it into a book. I'm actually working on an article for a magazine, you know one of those RUN FOR your life from these kind of people types . . .

My new life, well I'm working hard on something, I'm just not at all certain what it will be and am concerned about the time frames involved. I gave my ex a decade of my life, a good decade and at this point my biological clock has run out. Even if I were to heal completely in the next two years, I wouldn't be ready, or able to find someone to share my life and heart with there simply isn't time.

I don't have all the answers, but based on normal human statistics I have maybe three or four decades ahead of me before I take a trip to the summerland. In the grand sheme of things that isn't all that much, especially when you consider how quickly life moves. I remain hopeful, but I'm trying to be realistic.

My sister, who has been dealing with many of the same things I am for quite sometime has decided my therapist is either oblivious or stupid. Stupid can be fixed, oblivious means she has to be replaced and I'm not looking forward to the later, and well the former doesn't encourage me much either. If she's stupid, well it means she doesn't have much of a background in PTSD and hasn't done the reading.

So, I'm working hard, praying and waiting . . .

[(JD)]

Even being good, as you are, at writing, does not mean you can make a "living" at it. It's more glory than money. But it makes ppl like me (readers) happier!