Of course not!

<font color="darkblue">T says I need more time to recover. I, of course, feel like I will never recover..have I yet? T says I need quiet... and cold to help calm my overwhelmed nerves (literally nerves not "emotional" nerves) The rest of the world keeps trying to drag me into it.. I can't see how everyone is carrying on with their life... but then, not everyone is disabled like I am... right? I can't go.. I can't answer the phone.. I can't return their calls... I just can't... not now? And I don't know when, if ever. These feelings feel like forever.

<font color="gray">[b] It took 45 minutes to travel 17 of the miles on the expressway today going to T... at one point the traffic stopped..and the road was shaking. Mind you this is FL (no quakes) I was triggered... not only how the house trembled with Wilma..but the place where I had been injured/disabled so many years ago... tears well up but of course I had to keep driving... which I hate ...and try to just fade out when on that road....

then, at T's office, they are building highrises next door... and the crane powered up (it's still lunch time, they aren't "supposed" to do this to me!) and I was right back at the site I was injured... and hurricanes both (Andrew and Wilma)... I ran the correct thoughts through my head (T checked) but... it doesn't take away the sensations... it only tells my mind that I'm not there but here... even though I WAS there... long ago long enough... too long?

<font color="#008800"> I know I only wondered if you could bear with me that weekend before the hurricane.. but it seems ... it's gonna be longer.

It sounds to me like you need more time to recover. I'll be around to listen and I'm sure lots of other will stay the course for you too. (((((((((((Sky)))))))))))

I'm here for you. I'm listening.

(((((((((((((((((Sky)))))))))))))))))

time0

Thank you (((ozzie))) (((time)))) for sticking with me here. At least today's weather is clear and cool .... but that's about all the relief I feel. T had reminded me of how at times like these my muscles go into contracture... and my nerves literally "fry" with sensory input... plus having had NO physical therapy this week...I have to rest. sigh it doesn't matter what I don't do.. I'm going down hill. All I can think of are things I should be doing... or could be doing IF one thing is a once a year event I was to do risk management with... sigh. I have failed everyone.... ok I know that isn't the right way to view this: I AM disabled I AM unable at times I AM limited I do feel so inadequate... unworthy of living. . . I have had some not so good support in chat here ... I'm even thinking of reloading the update for my ISP that messes up being able to go to chat, anyway. yeah. stay out of chat. I'm here too much. I'm ANY where too much.

((((((Sky)))))) I wish I had more to say to help you. Please know that I am here whenever you need to talk.... I'll listen.

Sky, don't know about chat but we don't have hurricanes here. Have you thought of moving? I know I could not live with the threats of destruction you face. I would guess that it continually triggers the old fight or flight. Moving is big. Just thought I would ask. Hope you are well today. Here it is warmer this morning then yesterday and I am lazing in bed as are the rest of the family.

Where would I go that there's no storms? The problem is wherever I go I'm there. Besides, I've been with this "team" of doctors for nearly 18 years.. there's no replacing that!

Well... I was gone from this stie for 4 days.. and no one missed me. Guess that's a good thing.. that my disability isn't upsetting or demanding full attention from members anymore. So I've grown in that area. I've been gone.. in excruciating pain. I was in pain the last couple of days I was onsite here (12th etc..) but received so little support it was no longer worth coming in (the little support versus the great effort it took to be here.)

I'm posting under my PTSD thread because that's the culprit of it all... I have myofascial response to stress... due to the PTSD. My physical therapist went out of town for a week and I was scheduled to see another (because I get into pain/contracture problems if I don't get pt) and the new guy was running too far behind to see me.. anyway... I suffered quite severely... the more I tried to manage the less it seemed to have effect.. too much stress... even though I isolated myself from here, and everything else in life (except T) ... some still crept in... my muscles spasmed so ... that it pulled my SI out and they (the spasming muscles) ROTATED my pelvis out of place. My T keeps explaining how certain ppl response mysofacially to trauma (your's truly being one of those certain ppl.) It isn't mind over matter here... Life continues to intrude into.. my miserable "life" I know that doesn't make any sense. The pain level is lower it's only a 9 or 8+ lately with spikes to 10. I can't be around here till I can find a better level... while I appreciate the messages of good wishes, the few retorts of non-caring members affect me more than I should allow them to... and I'm worse for coming.

I wish it was all in my head/mind, for then I would have fixed it. I asked the PT again, if there was anything permanent to fix this, he said no or we would have done it long ago... I asked what do other ppl do that have this kind of (sobbing) pain... he said they do the best they can with it... My T, in answering that said basically the same words: they manage as best they can.. like I am doing. Well, my best isn't good enough. I can't do anything for anyone... and haven't had a decent meal (I can't handle the pain to sit and eat much less eat out) in a week... I'm at the bottom of the barrel folks. At least there isn't anyone who has to live with me, I doubt they could handle the loud sobbing in pain. There's nothing else anyone can do.... if I try to do anything in life, it results in increased pain.... I'm not sure what decisions I have to make.. but I can't do this kind of pain much longer. Sorry I haven't been around to support you lately. Thanks for reading all this, anyway. TC

(((((((((((((((((Sky))))))))))))))))))) I hope you believe when I say that I always notice you here...and not here. You're cared for.

I wasn't able to read the entired post because hubby was injured and needs something. I'll come back and read more. I just wanted you to know that.

KD

I wish I could take your pain away. It is so awful for you to always be in so much pain.

(((((((((((((((Sky))))))))))))))))

time0

Thank you... just for reading. I'm too sensitive to everything right now...

BTW... my mother tripped and fractured four toes. I cannot take care of her. I didn't take her to doctor today, she used cab. Lots of money. I feel so guilty. TO add to the stress, other family are talking about moving her to another city. WHA??? Like my moving nearby her is for naught? THEY can move here to take care of her! grrrr more stress. breathe.

AND "GAMMA" has been named and is expected to be here in South Florida by MONDAY!!! People are concerned (me included) as we have eaten our hurricane food, drank our water, and many ppl don't have roofs from Wilma yet... several hundred don't have any place to live! And others are worried that they will be losing... or trying to cook on camp grills...their thanksgiving turkey and meals....

does it never stop? oh god I need it to stop... I want it to ALL stop.

Dear Sky, Thank you for supporting me re sound sensitivity. I too have chronic pain and am very limited in participating in "life". I feel so fortunate to be able to be down in the 7's and 8's these days rather than the 9's and 10's. Writhing in pain as a lifstyle sucks so big time, is so freaking exhausting, frustrating, and depressing.... I hope your PT routine gets back on track soon and you get some hands on relief. 30 years ago my acupucturist gave me this thought to think about: "When you feel like you're going to explode, expand around it". It took me two years to even begin to wrap my head around the concept. I was rigid with pain, in and out. Breathing and visualization, hot water bottle and ice packs, does anything help that you can do yourself? I feel for you. Hang in there ok? Come back and try to ignore the neggies, they're in worse shape than you,
ya know? Don't take their kaka personally, it's not yours.

TKS hill! Yes, I have a full page of things I do to manage my pain... my T and PT says it's good... my MD thinks I shouldn't have to do all that HUH? I am thinking about acupunture for future... things move slowly when I'm the only one doing. I can't get around the pain, not the flares from the bones being out of place and on nerves specifically... otherwise, the day to day chronic pain, yes I move through it "ok".

Thanks for your support and understanding... we gotta stick together! TC

(((((sky)))))

(quietly growls in a pile of dog poop in corner of room)

(picks up fuzzybear out of the poopy corner and gives her a bath and a pot of honey) ty ((hugs))

{{{{{{{{{{{{Sky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I've been thinking of you through the whole storm season and knowing it would be hard on you. It was a relief to see that you had posted on each of those days. I specifically watch for you, and send prayers and good thoughts your direction particularly when I don't see you here. I feel bad though for being overwhelmed and not keeping up enough to actually come here and read your thread until now. Take care, and know you can PM me any time, or ask me to chat if you would like. It's been too long, hasn't it?

Love,
Rap

Thank you for your support too, Rap. Actually, I was gone from site a full 4 days.. no one missed me.. or at least were struggling with their own lives to say anything. That's ok now.. it wasn't then. I needed the support desperately then. I am hoping I have moved on... and don't "need" pc quite like I thought I did... maybe I don't need anything or anyone... not even life... it's truely being debated in my mind. I'm kindof still short on being attacked my a few members here... but then, I don't wish to get into admin issues.. or noticing one when admin and mods don't.... I hope I'm beyond that... beyond it all maybe... have no clue. No clue.

Well, let's just say that I'm glad you are around now, and I do look for you although I don't often have as much time to read and reply to everything as I wish I had. I appreciate the support that you have been giving to others, and also when you PM me to ask how I'm doing. It's nice to see you posting.

Love,
Rap

I miss you when you aren't here Sky.....
Sorry I didn't say anything
"Moving on"... hmmm... just growl on that
Please be safe,
Fuzzy

I know you do (((fuzzybear)))) I know you are quiet normally... I'm guessing it isn't anyone here... just ppl have lives... I keep forgetting that.

Hi Sky,

I've missed you.

I don't post much but I get a lot of help and thoughtful information from reading your posts.

I guess it's not very considerate of me to read and not respond. I am working on trying to open up to others more.

From the time I joined PC, I have always considered you to be one of the wise people here.

You are able to share your feelings in such an open and honest way. And you show such sincere compassion for others that are struggling.

I have always admired you.

So please know that you are helping people like me, and are inspiring me to try and reach out to others.
Pretty good ripple effect.

Twinks

Thank you Twinks for such kind words... they have helped me.

There's a cold front coming in (good) but ahead of a front... you know... rain storms. It was terrible last night... heavy rains and strong winds... it seemed like forever... then today... dark clouds and intermittent rain... I had to "numb up" just to do the stuff I had no choice but to do... when I would have been better off mentally to stay home and isolate and protect and not expose myself to even more.

I don't like it that I don't like even a rain shower nowdays. My mind can register it that "It's not a hurricane" "I'm not in danger." but the body doesn't get the message... ptsd.

(((((((((Sky))))))))))

How are you holding up?