Took another step today...

Well, I think I took another step today. Feeling a little "shaky" so I thought I'd run it past the forum for feedback.

I won't go into all the gruesome details - for those who are here, I probably don't have to - I'm sure you have your own stories. But suffice to say my Father was my chief abuser. Life with him - for all of us - was about fear and uncertainty. Wondering when the next bomb would drop. The repurcussions of his behavior still haunt me 57 years later. As it does my brother and mom took them to her grave.

The last time I was in the same room with that man was before Thanksgiving. And the last time we talked on the phone was about 2 months ago. On that occasion, when he continued his abusive language I warned him that if he kept it up, I would hang up the phone. That I had only called to see if he was ok. (he's 85) When the abuse continued I said sorry and hung up on him. As I said that was about 2 months ago and I had/have no intentions of reconnecting with him. Enough is ENOUGH!

So Saturday nite I get a call from my brother (fellow abuse survivor). He tells me Dad wants to "patch things up." Really?? I told my brother that while I miss him and dad, I have no intention of subjecting myself to that continuing abuse. That if he wanted to, that was his business but I was done. Of course my brother urged me to "give it one more try." (What, 57 years of trying isn't enough??) And of course he felt the need to remind me this weekend was Father's Day (ugh!!) Through it all I stuck to my guns and simply stated I would not be coming down - or calling for that matter. That perhaps he & I could meet some time for coffee or to hang out, but Dad's house was off limits for me - for the time being at least.

So. Yeah, maybe I took a step away from my abuser. But it still feels sad to me. It's not that I miss "that man." I miss having a Father. I never had one - and it looks like I never will...

But, Enough is enough.

Thoughts?

If it's any consolation........I've never had a dad ........he passed when I was eleven and I never knew him. I've been reading some of your posts.......kudos to you for seeking therapy. My mom is 53, suffers from PTSD from my grandmother and her brother and will not seek help. It affects generations going forward. (((Bear Hugs)))

Well, Lava, it was your brother that said your father wanted to make up. No, your father has to speak for himself, had no problem in the past and you know it is no different now. And given his condition and unstable behavior, I wouldn't trust it, did anyone ever remove those guns? No, in my opinion, just send a card maybe, something generic or even comical, doesn't have to profess love.

Your memories serve you to know that he is very unpredictable, old people usually only get worse not better, they have a much harder time controling anger and bad behaviors and ususally don't give a dam anymore.

You have to think of you now, you have your wife, an empty nester, time to have a life for you, the both of you, you did your time.

That is my opinion, you have to do what you feel is right for you. Don't let anyone drag you back, you did your time, you are moving forward, you deserve it.

Open Eyes

Rock on Lava - good job in setting boundaries and self-protecting. Father's Day IS tough! A special day for all of us on here to be reminded of what we are trying to forget (sarcasm!) It's almost like you need to grieve the loss of your father, even if he is still there. I know I went through that process....still feels incomplete. I think mourning the father you never had would be a better way to define it! Good Luck with T...my guess is she will be very proud of you - just like me!

I don't miss "that man." I miss the "Daddy" I never had... Thank you.

When I post in different forums Lava I try to send a constant message about children and how it is important for them to get what you missed.

I really wish that somehow society would pay more attention to this. Sometimes children are just not truely considered important and it just isn't fair to them. Just putting a roof over a childs head and food on the table is not being fully responsible for all the needs of a child.

Though no parent is perfect as no person is perfect, they can be educated as to the importance of raising a healthy child body, mind and soul.

Open Eyes

Open Eyes is a wise chook

I am new to the forum; but can really relate to your post. My father was an alcoholic his entire life. I didn't really u/stand it growing up; but, I did u/stand the beatings. As an adult when I tried to have a r/ship with him - it would end up being a 'chase' from one room to the other while he was enjoying his drinks.

Eventually, I realized I was wasting MY PRECIOUS TIME in life chasing a man who didn't want a r/ship with me; and never had. I was called to the ER the last night of his life. His last words to me were: "I have to piss." I stood holding this tube which was sucking the fluids from his mouth; while he turned his back to me and urinated. Shortly after that, he passed away. Not even in his moments of death did he have anything to say to me. Sad - Yes. Am I over it? Yes. It was his issue not mine.

There is nothing wrong with boundaries; and sticking to them. We have to fill our lives with positive & loving people.

Wishing you a weekend of happiness on your own terms; doing what YOU enjoy. These 'holidays' are just days marked by people who want to make money. My motto is if you really love me - and want a r/ship with me - then you'd be nice to me 365 days a year; not just one 'special' day.

Zing, what an awesome response! Thank you for that!! It is sad. But it's right that I do this - for ME. I'm sad I never had the "Daddy" I wanted -- and DESERVED. And I'm sad for him that he never got to know a pretty neat son (me). And you're right. Showing love shouldn't have to be instigated by a "Hallmark Holiday." it SHOULD be 365 days a year.

Again, thanks for that.

You are becoming so much more self-aware and making awesome progress...keep up the good work!

Lava, I think you're doing the right thing setting solid boundaries. At some point, it becomes clear that the only kind of relationship an abusive parent wants is, well, an abusive one. Your father trying to go through your brother like that is messed up, but not unexpected -- my relationship with my own brother has deteriorated in no small part due to these tactics.

Stand your ground. 57 years is far more than enough.

I think you did perfectly fine for yourself for now. It will be interesting if you will be consoling your brother later, or if your brother will be urging your father to go farther to remedy (ha, not possible) the apology due... if he did enough for your brother...

I agree, that it being "Father's Day" could very well still be all about him, and not you and your brother.

My mom still "uses" my younger sister who is mentally disabled to try to guilt me into having a relationship with them. It breaks my heart because my sister is caught in the middle of this manipulation and is unable to grasp the full context of what is going on. It was really hard in the beginning to stick to my no contact boundaries, but I know it's what I had to do. My parents are never going to change and it is not good for me to be around their toxic behavior. That really was the first step towards healing for me - accepting they would not change and if I wanted my life to follow a different course, I needed to put my needs ahead of their expectations. I still miss the concept of family, but like you, I don't miss them!

Amen CSC!! Behind the saddness and guilt, there is a small spark of -- "I'm FREE!" 'Bout time....!!

And yeah, Dad put my brother up to calling... God forbid he EVER did anything he needs to apologize for... On his own! He prides himself on being such a "man." And yet has to work through his youngest son to do his dirty work... Sad.

Thanks as always for your input!!