PTSD is a bully

Perhaps this has been discussed in great detail and I am late to the party. I am sorry if I am repeating something that is completely obvious to everyone. This is new to me in my recovery.

I have really been struggling the past few weeks, and it really started getting bad the past couple of days. I have been using every affirmation i know, writing here, reaching out, speaking with my T, etc. In particular, I was triggered over the weekend and started to spiral. Then, yesterday, I reached my limit (I was having SI)

I called my T immediately. Not because I would hurt myself but because I don't want to think this way anymore. I can actually SEE the way my brain was working. Whereas before, I would just automatically go there because everything was so painful. Now, I see all the ways I was trying to stay positive and fighting off the demons until I went to that place.

I haven't been sleeping well (still), and after being triggered again yesterday at the office (that brought me back to really horrible memories and flashbacks), I found myself spirling and reverting back to thinking of "old" thoughts. (I don't want to write about the particular thoughts because I don't want to trigger anyone).

My T explained to me that it's the PTSD bullying me: a thug in my head that is overshadowing the positive. A voice that is cruel or overbearing to me that I would never in a million years wish on my worst enemy.

I just could not take one more second from outside influences that were triggering me, and I did not have the tools (I ran out), and that is what lead me to the "old" thoughts.

Does this happen to you? Is this cyclical? Two steps forward and a major step back?

It does happen to me. I dont know if it i cyclical. I am so down now that I can not give good advice.

It does appear that way for me. Around Feb. I aways have a hard time, but this year it has been harder than usual, and I can seem to get out or away from it. I think your T is right with calling it a bully. Everything seems to be triggering me lately. This weekend I too have struggled.

hey rose, it's not cynical at all. cynicall to me is expecting a human being to overcome so much ugliness and be completely normal as if nothing happened. i agree with ptsd being a bully. it is so sneaky and evil..gets you at the most unapportunistic times and has horrible ways. i completely agree. i got through this on a daily basis...the two steps forward one back. sometimes i completely fall.
i admire your courage. i hear you and you are not alone. for me, success is about being able to see it, face it and fight it. even if i get hit. i'm beginning to find my strength. i am stubborn, i am strong. i think i went through it once, i can do it again but this time the right way. it will be ok rose. it will. these times they come but it will pass.
keep posting. keep writing. even if you don't feel like it, just write. personally i don't read if i feel triggered but it doesn't mean i don't care. others may be able to read and offer support. remember, YOU are IMPORTANT, YOU do MATTER, I CARE. i am here listening. i understand and have been there and i'm here with you. we fall, we get up and we keep going. sending you warm comforting thoughts. please be gentle with yourself.

(((Rose))),

First there is no real timeline to whether something has already been discussed or not here. New members come in all the time so things get repeated a lot, so don't feel like you have to be caught up somehow. Just say or ask anything that comes up really.

I don't think that it is a good idea to think of PTSD as a bully to be honest. That is allowing us to think that our brains are trying to hurt us or make life hard for us on purpose and that just isn't true. As hard as it might seem to be, we actually have to consider this more of a deep injury and now we are finally at a point where we just have to address it by working through it. Thinking of PTSD as an enemy will only leed to feeding into it by getting angry or too frustrated to pay attention to what REALLY needs to be addressed with a lot of understanding and patience on our part.

Lets face it, we were all hurt and it effected us a lot more than we ever realized. These events where we are triggered and we seem to lose control in some way are all important things to stop, try to calm down as much as possible and understand that something new is there that we need to pay attention to and figure out so we can take the power of the disturbance away. And the one thing ALL of us have to understand is that this WILL TAKE TIME AND PATIENCE to work through.

I have to say that I am not having a very good day myself. I am still struggling with the whole picture and still not believing that this PTSD can take place. I know that other people do NOT get it, can't even imagine it and it devides me in many ways. And yes, it can be so tiring as well. I personally wish that I could just go someplace peaceful that is NOT IN ANY WAY demanding and just be able to focus on it without having to also deal with all the things that I am dealing with. It is on my if only list big time.

The road to recovery with PTSD is up and down, it is not just all up hill or a level line of progress. The MOST important thing to establish is DEFINITE safe places. A safe place with a T that we can talk things out with. Talking, talking, talking is very important to healing and VALIDATION, VALIDATION, VALIDATION is also important to healing as well. And also having a SAFE place to go and rest and self sooth when we have the difficult days where triggers come up bringing some very troubling emotions out with them.

Rose, everything that triggers you is important, even an inexpensive pair of shoes that look nice anyway but don't have the right name or price tag that presents some kind of status or worthiness. It might not seem important, but does mean something probably much deeper than just something simple. And anyone who has PTSD gets to a point where nothing is as trivial as it seems, it is, infact important. And as I mentioned, it can lead to a deep injury that you are not yet aware of yet. BUT, if you can laugh about it, that is GREAT too.

The important thing with PTSD is to slowly get everything on the table in front of you.
It is not about running away from triggers, we all did in that in the past, it didn't work as well as we thought right? Well some people have a stronger base and can manage and they will never understand PTSD. But a good therapist who has learned about PTSD, knows it is real and challenging and that it is important to work with a patient, validate them, listen and help them get those cards on the table where they finally grieve it, and make peace with their core issues.

There should be no shame with PTSD, there has to be an acknowledement that no matter what comes forward and how much it can present a feeling of guilt or shame, it is connected to somethings NONE of us DESERVED to have happen to us. And ALL of us were not prepared to experience some of the troubling things that happened to us. And yes, when things come forward, they come with a lot of emotional duress and discomfort and we ALL have to understand that it is real and a challenge and while many people don't have a clue, there are those that do. Yeah, it can be dam lonely, I hear you, me too.

Personally I had never even imagined that the brain could store all this the way it does. Yes, I feel betrayed by it, I thought I had learned how to cope and SURVIVE, but now I have this that tells me I didn't really somehow? Oh, how confusing that is, right?

What I can say is that people DO recover from this, and they do say that they have a much deeper understanding than the average person. So if we all hang in there I guess we will all be in this special group of people that have this much deeper understanding about human beings and life as well. And yes, it has a lot of ups and downs to pass through before that level of understanding finally takes place. Oh how I wish it could just be tomarrow right?

Yes, I had a crappy day today, I do get quite a few of those. But they are not as bad as last year, last year was really hard on me.

Nothing is too trivial ok? Talk about anything, we are annonymous anyway right? Hey, somedays my eyes are so open and some days all I want to do is shut them too.
But I have seen improvement so I can say, it does get better with time. Don't bother putting a time limit to it, just let yourself walk through it until you get it all on the table and no longer hide in shame or fear about anything. Then you can sort through it and grieve it and begin to truely rise above.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

Oh, Rose, it's all new to me. It has been a lousy few weeks and every day seems to just pile on.

Two steps forwad and a major step back?? Seems to be the story of my life...no cyclical...but steady.

I'm pretty much worthless today.

What is "SI" that you referred to? Suicide? I'm even afraid of that....that I'd just mess myself up where someone else would have to take care of me and it would likely be the same people that drive me crazy now. THAT keeps me alive. My own fear a tool! Wow

Good to see you Open Eyes, I missed you all, I had a computer breakdown and had to hire someone to dig my old purple Imac out of storage...every day it's something.

Well honey, I hope if you ever get to run away, it works better for you than it has for me. 9 years ago, after I had to sell my home because I couldn't work and my abusers lived across the street...talk about triggers...I moved 40 miles away up in the mountains. Solitude! Quiet!
.....can also turn into loneliness and fear. Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful, and who knows it may have saved me. But, I had TOO much time to think and started remembering EVERYTHING...60 years of abuse with NO support system around. I often went weeks with no human contact. In fact, except for the guy I hired to move my computers, etc, I haven't seen or talked to a human being in two weeks. The other day I spent all day on the computer looking up old class mates, friends....all dead. When I was 40 to 50 years of age, I went to a funeral at least once a month. The last 3 friendships I've struck up in the last 5 years are all dead. Maybe I'm not crazy!!! Maybe I'm cursed!!! LOL

Today I listed some stuff on Craig's list...trying to be productive. Bingo, right off the bat 2 responses! First one is some scammer wanting every detail of my financial and personal life, the second was some jerk who couldn't read and called me filthy names. Oh, yeah, need that crap. LOL
Being called vile, dehumanizing names has always been a trigger for me and as bad a mother as I may have been, one thing I never did was call my kids names or humiliate them.......until now, and I'm sorry, it's not right, but the're not tempermental little children anymore even if they act like it. :<)

Oh I am glad you got your computer straightened out. Wow, you are out in the wilderness. I do think about that sometimes. Maybe it would be nice to have a place like that to go when an escape is needed. I am sorry that you went so long being mistreated and misunderstood. And I am sorry that you have taken a downward turn with the PTSD. Keep trying, it does ease up again as you know. At least now you have new friends here who can relate to your struggle with it.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

There's my problem. For about 30 years, I thought I was the one who had 'recovered from it'. I knew I'd been through bad stuff, but by gawd, I got through it gracefully, unemtionally and wisely, just LOOK at me!!! I can tell you the day I 'snapped'.

I was about 50...not a nice age for a woman anyway....and looked around me at all the difficult people in my life and said to myself, ya know, I'm not so bad after all. I kinda like me. You all can do the changing from here on out. I went to a COSTCO, you know the discount stores and a lady was handing out food samples of some stuff I really wanted to try.
So I struck up a nice conversation with the lady ( I actually used to be VERY outgoing!) as she cooked the stuff for about 5 min. She is handing me the plate, I reached and a big hand reaches out and slapped my hand.
I came undone. I had NEVER yelled at someone, least of all in public like that in my life. The old fool, and that's what I called him, was about 6'4".
I'm 5'2"
He thought he was being cute, I scared the crap outta him! And I must say, telling him off for touching me felt GOOD.

But it doesn't feel good raising hell with family who abuse me anymore.
All it did was make 'em treat me worse and I can no longer stand for anyone to touch me....especially after a bout of shingles (that is some bad doodoo!) last year. My physical issues have been a daily added trauma, though I am feeling better...being stuck alone on the Mt. is good for that.

Well Spider you HAVE been through a lot. I wonder if you were in more of a hypervigilant state with all that illness you faced. And the shingles is bad stuff, thank god I haven't gotten that myself because it can be brought on by nerves and I did have the chicken pox when I was young. PTSD can affect ones health and it does reak havoc on the digestive trac as well so it is important to try to find good self soothing methods and try very hard not to feed into the emotional stress etc that comes forward.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes